AIBU to disagree on being too old to be a mum

[thefinn]

I guess that's pretty much it. DH and I have been happily married for a decade now, were together for five years before marrying. We are happy as it is with our pets but I would love to be a mum. I get down however anytime if I mention this to family and friends however. They all feel we are too old, both having turned 34 this summer... it makes me sad but a part of me feels I am being U and maybe everyone has a point.So wwyd?

Friend had 2 DC at 34 and 35 and another at 46.

Most people wait until their thirties and beyond these days, so you can make sure you are in the right relationship, financially stable and your career is well under way. Maybe they're all knackered by forty because they had their children young OP......

One of my colleagues had her son when she was 42 and her husband was 44. They are one of the happiest families I know and do loads of fun stuff.

Their lad is 9 know and her husband has taken early retirement. He is going to spend the whole summer doing fun things with their son, including teaching him to ride a motorbike and sail dinghies. They take him off road cycling wild swimming, and spend loads of time together (her job means she can work from home a lot).

Your family are being ridiculous.

44 (like me) is too old in my opinion, 34 is about right!

I think 34 is a really good age for children! My parents had me at 34 and it never seemed like they were too old when I was growing up. I had my son at 23 but my nct group were all 10 years +, I felt wayyy too young!

At 34 I felt too young to have a baby. Gave birth at almost 37. Absolute nonsense to say you’re too old at 34

You are not too old to have a baby. It's normal now to have your first child in your 30s. I had my 3 DDs at 30,33 and 35.
DD1 is now 31 and expecting her first.
So don't listen to your family and go for it.

It must be a demographic thing. The average age of first time mothers where I live is mid-30s, edging toward late-30s.

Go for it.

If you hadn't mentioned miscarriages, I might have written a different post. I'm going to stick with what I was going to write anyway, but firstly huge sympathy for this and I hope you are being seen by a recurrent miscarriage clinic.
I started trying at your age. By 38, I'd had several ops to try to get things ship shape and was on my third go of IVF - which worked and I had my DC1 at 39. In that time, my DH's semen analyses had gone from normal to so bad we had to have ICSI. Both of us had shown our age - very few people are actually infertile, but lots suffer from sub fertility and the fact is that, male and female, by your late thirties there is a lot more chance that something isn't working as well as it did at 20. But that does not mean you can't have biological children. You may have to work a lot harder to do so.
I had my second child at 42. By the time she was born, we were aware my DC1 might have SEN. It turns out he has preverbal autism and possibly ADHD. He is is on the go 17 hours a day. Mostly this is genetic, but statistically some of it is likely to be to do with me and DH's age. DS is such hard work. The professionals seem surprised I find it so hard. I do think some of this is to do with the fact that I have ten years on a lot of people who have children. I am so tired, it is relentless and we cannot get the the respite we need as family are incapable or unwilling to help and state help is threadbare. He pushes his little sister around and there is little we can do if we can't get across the room fast enough. Her life is not what it would have been. We are very limited in what we can do as a family outside the house and our home looks like a bomb site. It is not the life I planned when I yearned for kids.
I was desperate for children. I was desperate to carry a child and have a newborn. The chances of that through adoption were very slim and ironically I was put off by the chances of the child turning out to have issues. The rate of adoption placement breakdown is heartbreakingly high. I would have tried to become an adoptive parent as a last resort.
Now I'm a mum, I would not wish myself back, but I wish our eyes were more open when we make these choices. My point is to give you and others a window on what it's like when it's not entirely happy ever after. The challenge of being responsible for children even if they are one of the 19 in 20 who don't have SEN is way more than anyone can appreciate until they've done it. One of my friends recently got a dog to take her mind off troubles the family have with one of their teenagers. She joked 'if I'd known the dog was going to be like this, I would never have bothered with kids'.
I wish you and your DH well, OP, whatever the future holds for you.

I think some people get hung up on when they had DC and can't imagine being older when they start a family.

One woman I knew was very vociferous in telling people they were too old if they hadn't completed their family by 21. The age she had completed hers.

She talked about not being able to go clubbing with her children when they got older.

Personally couldn't think of anything worse.

34 is not old at all!! I was 34 when I had my first child. In no way did I feel too old and I was one of the younger mums in our antenatal group. I had my third child at 43. I must admit that I do now feel like an older mum sometimes but there are plenty of women having first babies even at this age though.

Fully expected you to be nearing 50 when reading the title....but 34?!!?!

Just had my first at 31, hubby is 35....and we're asian! You're past your prime if you're not married, bought a house and having a kid at 25 . And yet even the older backwards folk in the family didnt have an opinion when my older bro had his first at 38....because its never too late!

Babies should be celebrated, you are not too old ans you should go ahead and do what makes you happy.

Hubby will be 50 when our DD does her GCSEs but that doesnt bother us in the slightest!

Also id like to add i dont think nearing 50 when having your baby is too old either. If biologically able then why not?!

Some people are just stuck in the past where you have to have a kid by 21.

I had my first at 22, but have also had babies at 36, 40 and am expecting now at 43. Wasn't planned and I'm very tired but it's all good!

My girlfriend is 50 and is trying for her first baby with her husband.. 34 is nothing.

Just had my first child turned 34 a week before he was born and planning a second in a few years time.

You are definitely no too old, I’d I was your age I would have a child without hesitation.

Had my first at 35 and second 40.

34 isn't too old to start a family in my honest opinion (and experience)

Pregnancies all fine, children fine too.

A friend had her first (only) child at 53.

Definitely not too old. A friend of mine didn't meet her future husband until she was 38. She married on her 40th birthday and had two children by the age of 43. She did get tired, having two young toddlers, but as she often. said, what was the alternative.

I had my first at 34 and it didn't even cross my mind that I was too old. Second at 38. Don't listen to them.

It’s just plan old misogyny in my book. A. Your body disagrees, most women are perfectly capable of having a baby at 34. B. A 34 year old man would never be told he’s too old.

I’d ask them their reasons for such stupid comments.

OP, I was a first time Mum last year at 35, 34 when I got pregnant. It was very hard at first but I don’t think that had anything to do with my age! The only thing that matters now is whether your husband also wants to continue TTC. Don’t let anybody else put you off.

@Oliversmumsarmy I use to go out clubbing in a group that included parents who had kids as teenagers, so they were in their late 30s/early 40s. If one of their late teenage kids turned up at the venue they would disappear. They simply didn't want to be out clubbing with their kids.