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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to disagree on being too old to be a mum

625 replies

thefinn · 08/07/2018 00:33

I guess that's pretty much it. DH and I have been happily married for a decade now, were together for five years before marrying. We are happy as it is with our pets but I would love to be a mum. I get down however anytime if I mention this to family and friends however. They all feel we are too old, both having turned 34 this summer... it makes me sad but a part of me feels I am being U and maybe everyone has a point.So wwyd?

OP posts:
redfragglebiker · 08/07/2018 11:39

I have a 7month old DD (my first) and I'm 37. Tell them to go boil their heads!

TheMonkeyMummy · 08/07/2018 11:44

Ridiculous comments from your family.

By the age of 35, 4 of my classmates were grandmothers! (Fwiw, I have four children, first one when I was 30, last one aged 36).

thecatsarecrazy · 08/07/2018 11:46

Im almost 37 dh is 41 our youngest is 16 months

alittlepieceofme · 08/07/2018 11:47

I had my first ds at 35 and planning on having another in the future! You are certainly not too old!

Original poster
thefinn · 08/07/2018 13:13

Aww thanks everyone! I feel so much better about this all having read alll of your lovely messages, I always knew Mumsnet is full of lovely people but it still surprised me just how lovely you all are. It really got to me yesterday because I was at my mum's and a family friend was there too. She kept talking about her grandchildren and kind of innocently asked if me and DH are planning on having DC. Before I could answer my mum said that I am too old anyway. And no she isn't generally horrible but when it comes to this topic she is. Again thank you...it was lovely to read everyone's messages xxx

OP posts:
Notquiteagandt · 08/07/2018 14:27

Average ages first time mother in uk is 30.4 yrs old fathers 33.1 yrs old apparently.

I barely know anyone who had a child before 30. So I would say you are far far from too old.

PolkerrisBeach · 08/07/2018 14:33

To me it's normal. I had my first at 31, second at 33 and third at 36. I cannot get my head around anyone thinking that 34 is too old to be a mother.

But then on DH's side of the family, many women already have a couple of kids by the time they're 20. Most are definitely done having children by the age of 25, and are not far off being a granny by their mid thirties. In their circle, 34 is practically geriatric to be having a baby and they don't know of anyone who has had a baby in their 40s. Lots expressed huge concerns over us having a third when I was 36, sure something would go wrong which obviously it didn't.

So no, of course it's not too old. But it really does depend on what is the norm in your social circle.

imlateagain · 08/07/2018 14:34

I was 43 when my second dd was born. I did feel a bit past it among all the younger mums, but I had a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful healthy baby. No regrets.

IggyAce · 08/07/2018 14:41

34 you're definitely not too old I have several friends one who had her DCs at 36 and 38, another was 34 and 36. Another friend had her last two at 40 and 43.

DwangelaForever · 08/07/2018 14:52

I came here thinking you were going to be a 48 year old spinster. 34 is most deffo not too old to become a mum!

mavismcruet · 08/07/2018 15:00

I knew before I opened the thread you would be some ridiculously normal age to be having kids. 35 and 39 here, totally average for my circle of friends.

altiara · 08/07/2018 15:56

OP, thought you’d written a typo at first!
No, your mum’s clearly put out that you’re not following in her footsteps and feels like you’ve rejected her choices. This is nothing to do with you!
Where I work everyone has a degree or PhD so no-one starts a family before 34 as they want to have achieved something in their career first. There’s a more diverse set of mums at school - some 10 years younger, some 10 years older than me so falling pregnant anywhere between about 20 and 40.

So as per your original post - if I were you I’d just crack on and have sex or go to the doctor about the miscarriages. I’m not sure if you had been trying to conceive or not. If you want to be a Mum, time is on your side but if you do have fertility problems you’d best get them investigated.
Good luck Flowers

Brainfogmcfogface · 08/07/2018 16:08

Oh god I hope not! 34 and found out I was pregnant on Thursday. Being too old wasn’t even on the list of things I’m worried about right now!

prettybird · 08/07/2018 16:09

I had ds when I was 39.

The only downside to leaving it late was that I never wanted to have an only child but I had two MMCs (one of twins) after that. Sad

Ds is now 17, and dh (59 this year) and I are probably fitter than most of ds' friends' younger parents - although many of them are a similar age to us. Smile

bobstersmum · 08/07/2018 16:19

30's are a perfect time of life to have children.

Yogafailure · 08/07/2018 16:23

I had my last dc at 37 and would have had a 4th if things had worked out after that 🤷🏼‍♀️. I know lots of 34 year olds who haven't even started thinking of having kids yet Hmm

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/07/2018 16:41

Not too old but fertility does start going down after 30, and more quickly after 35. Most women in their 30's don't have any problems but probably wise to crack on sooner rather than later from a purely biological perspective, especially if you want more than 1 child.

But, pick your first month trying carefully as chances of falling pregnant quickly should be quite high if their are no fertility problems.

actuallyquitesmall · 08/07/2018 16:53

My mum had me when she was 41 and I had my first a few weeks before my 37th birthday.

You are not too old to be a mum Flowers

Thefourmuskateers · 08/07/2018 16:55

Absolutely NOT too old.

diddl · 08/07/2018 17:14

"but when it comes to this topic she is."

How strange!

AgentCooper · 08/07/2018 17:16

Total nonsense! At 31 I was the youngest in several of my baby groups when I had DS last year. 35-37 is more the norm.

missedith01 · 08/07/2018 17:21

Definitely not too old! I had twins at 43, they're 6 now and their sibling is 8. Sometimes I'm the oldest mom in a group, but so what! You should do what's right for you.

Original poster
thefinn · 08/07/2018 18:49

Haha yeah that's what I thought as well when she blurted it out. Like I should be 50+ or something. All my cousins from my mum's side have had children young, before thirty and I know she is upset at not having DGC of her own. However it felt really hurtful but as many of you have pointed out it's just probably the fact that she had me at 18. You have all given me so much courage and yes, DH and I have decided to ttc soon. I was such a mess last night, I am good at defending myself for lack of a better word when it's just my mum and me but that situation caught me off guard when she told me I'm too old anyway in front of the friend. and many thanks to you all!

OP posts:
Original poster
thefinn · 08/07/2018 18:50

oh should have been flowers and many thanks!

OP posts:
Enjoyingmetime · 08/07/2018 18:52

31 with first 33 with second and 35 with 3rd. I'm in 40s now so that's it for me Wink