AIBU to disagree on being too old to be a mum

[thefinn]

I guess that's pretty much it. DH and I have been happily married for a decade now, were together for five years before marrying. We are happy as it is with our pets but I would love to be a mum. I get down however anytime if I mention this to family and friends however. They all feel we are too old, both having turned 34 this summer... it makes me sad but a part of me feels I am being U and maybe everyone has a point.So wwyd?

I think some people off a certain age had this 'get child rearing over with so we can enjoy ourselves' mentality. I'm 53 and have three boys 15, 13 and 10. Got bored with partying, and doing family stuff so much fits better with my preferred lifestyle now.

'I think it’s really quite selfish to have a baby in your 40s if you can help it, tbh!

Its not too old, of course not, what matters is what kind of Mum you'll be. You could be the perfect age and it just not fit.

34 isn't that old, I honestly thought you were going to say 60.

'I think it’s really quite selfish to have a baby in your 40s if you can help it, tbh!'

Phew, am I ever relieved my Mum was so darned selfish! Lost my Dad when I was 32, Mum when I was 42, and yes I'd have loved to have had them in my life for longer, but that's all a lottery anyway regardless of how old you are when becoming a parent.

I think it’s really quite selfish to have a baby in your 40s if you can help it, tbh

It depends on your families longevity.

I know families who keep going in to their 90s and 100s so having a child at 42 you are around well into the child's 40s or 50s or their are families I know where having a child in their 30s they wouldn't see that childhood reach 30 because they were all dead at 60.

Having experienced motherhood at both ends of the spectrum I believe mid to late twenties is the ideal. Personally I feel that leaving it until 30s is adding risk however I also see that times have changed and it pretty much seems the social norm. If I was your mum I'd say crack on and have that baby NOW

Devora13 the same can be said of getting pregnant in your teens. Sadly I know DC without DM or DF who happened to die in there 30s and early 40s having started having there families in late 20s, early 30s. None of us know what life will bring us, life is a lottery.

I found out I was pregnant with my first when I was 37. I found a forum page on another site and have made some lovely friends. We were all over 35 and pregnant at the same time. Our children are now 3. My son is the eldest but I’m not the eldest Mum in the group.
If you and your dh want a child it’s nonodys business but yours. Good luck

After suffering two miscarriages I cried to my doctor that I was getting too old to carry anymore children. My wonderful doctor smiled at me and told me my womb had many years left in it! I was 34 at the time and got pregnant not long after and now my two year old DD makes my heart swell with pride. Don't let anyone's opinions get in the way of your own happiness.

Pffft it's not too old. I had DD at 31 at I'm just about to have baby 2 in a few weeks and I'm now 34. I'm really glad I waited until my 30s to be a mum. I don't feel like I'm missing out on a damn thing being a homebody with the children for a few years while they're small.

Your friends don't sound very nice.

The only thing I'd say is maybe get cracking just in case you have any issues that are time consuming. However I was told due to a condition I have that it could take me two years to fall pregnant especially as I was over 30. It took me 12 weeks to fall with DD and 2 with this one. So not all doom and gloom over 30!

I was the same as your mum OP had my first son at 18 then my second 5 years later. If I had a daughter I wouldn't be telling her she is too old at 34 to have her first child. Go for it.

@Madmags. I’m trying to think of a selfless reason for having a baby, and I’m struggling. I guess to provide stem cells for a sibling., but that’s still about meeting your own needs. I have had 6 children in my early 20’s late 30’s and early 40’s. There have been pros and cons at every juncture but my fear of aging/ energy levels definitely don’t feature.
At 46, I am more resourceful and resourced, more patient, look after myself better, more measured and more able to keep things in perspective.. Yes, I’m more likely to die in the next 20 years but it’s still unlikely. There were many positives to having children younger but most of them related to me and not my ability to be a good parent. Like, still being young when your children grow up, or my body bouncing back quicker, or burning the candle at both ends...
Good luck op x

These threads are lovely & positive, full of happy mums who had babies in their 40’s.
But, that’s not the reality for lots of women.
For every mum on here who had a baby at 42, they’ll be 10 who didn’t quite manage it.
I had my last at almost 37, perfect pregnancy & beautiful healthy baby, & I loved being an ‘older mum’
But 2 miscarriages in my early 40’s ( one at 41 & one at 42, so not ‘old’ by mumsnet standards) was something I wouldn’t want my dd’s to go through.
I will be advising them to complete their families by mid to late 30’s.

Late motherhood is wonderful when it works, but for many, it’s something that happens to other people.

More selfish, then.

I do see madmags point, the important bit was 'if you can help it'.
If you don't meet someone until that age then its not selfish. However I think if someone's in a set up where they eventually want and could have children for years, but deliberately wait until their in their 40's to have as many years as possible without a child to look after then it is a bit selfish.

There's more chance of medical issues for the child, the child will have less years with their parents alive, meaning if they also wait until that age their children are unlikely to have living grandparents for long/at all.

Also from having older parents myself I found it a huge generational gap making it harder to relate to eachother. Friends with younger parents had grandparents who were a similar age.

32 is about the average I think. I was 32 and I don't feel too told. 34 is idea for many people

First Child at just turned 36 (now 37), would like another but due to cost of childcare etc... we can't afford another child for a few years, we also want to move house. However if we do have another then I'll be early 40s which I was thinking was too old - nice to be reassured from this thread that even that age isn't too old.

My kids were born when I was 33, 37 and 40 .... too old my arse !

I had my 2 year old at 44! So you are never too old till your body stops making it possible for you to have a baby and even then there are ways to hold back time.

I had my first baby at 20. Second at 25 and third at 30. And I feel I was a more patient mom the older I ve been - plus I understood as I got older how quickly time flies.
34 is a young !!! Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not !! Have a baby and sorry but stick your fingers up to everyone xx

They are being ridiculous! Ask them to join you in 2018!!
I'm 33 and pregnant, a friend of mine is 36, and plans to try for her second next year.
You do as you like, enjoy the financial security and wisdom you've gained in the last 15 years to help bring up a child - if that's what you want to do xx

To the person who wrote about being selfish in 40's and having babies - nobody has to justify themselves to anybody - t
It doesn't matter how young or old you are . There is no perfect age to be a best parent.

@surferjet.
My story of having a child in my 40’s is not a tale full of joy. I sadly miscarried repeatedly (8x) between no 5 and 6, and I too would recommend to my daughters starting younger where possible but that toll was carried by me, not my children. That said my beautiful first born died neonatally and I was a healthy fit 22 year old.
For the record..(I am a maternity hcp) the average age to have a first child is 29. Sadly loss and disability occur across the age spectrum. Yes it increases as we get older but we are talking relatively small margins here. Twice the likelihood of something occurring can mean 0.1% increasing to 0.2%. Apologies if that’s an obvious statement but I do feel the way statistics are presented skew things.

i had my first at 38 and twins at 41. I am turning 50 this year. I am active and healthy. I don't think 34 is too old.

Recently both my parents and in laws have had serious health issues. they are in their late 70s. It is the first time I've thought about how my kids life will be and how it would change as I got older. My twins will be in their late 30s when I get to late 70s. It is a stressful time caring for elderly parents and something that a lot of us haven't thought about. I hope we all have love for each other and their will be a loving family, but just thinking how an ill parent on a young adult is stressful.

I still don't think 34 is old just ramblings from someone older and maybe these are the thoughts coming from your family? Times have changed and parents are getting older. I am not the only older parent and would say that I am more the norm. Make your own decisions and just have a think about life. In the end, it is not their business. It is yours and your partners.

I opened this expecting u to say you are 50.... and was still gonna tell u it’s not too old !