*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

Are they abiding with the restrictions of his release? It seems strange he would be anywhere he would have contact with a child. The way the family are taking this lightly is very strange. Keep your child away at all costs and watch your husband doesn't take her without your knowledge to see his family where he would be. He will always be a danger to kids so never let your guard down.

@missingstreetlife The police, SS and court thought that any access, supervised or not, was too much. Hence the removal.

Not what you said, paws. Also this situation is a bit different as the dh hasn't abused, but can't be trusted. I hope you would be right but unfortunately have seen cases where mothers trying to protect are undermined. Ducks in a row op, and stand your ground.

Abusers know how to gain the trust of the child's caregivers around them to get closer to the child. So no way would such a person be allowed near children ever ever. The safety of children must come before a family member that has been found guilty and punished for such a serious crime I would cast out such a family member than put any children in the family at risk.

Cannot believe what the actual fuck I have read! So the victim, asuming a minor has had to see this beast, HOW does that even work with the system?? Social services would never let that happen?? Surely there must have been all that in place?
Also that family sound like a bunch of satanists letting the victim see this bastard at family events! He should have been completely dis owned and spat on with lava in his evil convicting eyes!
OP like others have said Id be assessing the whole family... there is denial and then there is just plain fucking ignorance and permission to let very clear boundaries be crossed, which makes me think maybe they are all a bit sexually fucked up!!! UGH!!!!!!

A SOTP ( sex offenders treatment programme ) in my opinion does not work. It's like having German lessons at school for a few years does not make you German.

Sitting in a classroom/ group and listening to people and telling your story is just a tick box exercise.

Put it like this - if someone loves chocolate and has access to chocolate ,they are going to have it
Put that chocolate out of reach and tell them they must not have that chocolate.
What do you think will happen ?

Can you frame it as a kindness to your BIL, as in "don't put him in a situation where he has temptations " like not passing round chocolate when you know someone is struggling with a diet, or not offering a sober alcoholic alcohol?
It might sound like minimising but it will be a place to start from. Since it's all about the abuser and not the abused it might have more effect.

Omg OP stick to your gut!!!! Do not allow contact. The risks don't even bare thinking about, you would never ever forgive yourself. It must be hard for your OH as it is his brother but his ideas are swayed due to emotional attachment and he is not seeing as clearly as you are. You are in the right here! She's your baby girl and your role is to protect her number one before pleasing your OH

No fucking way. It seems your DH is being incredibly naive and more loyal towards his family. Perhaps once his beautiful baby has arrived into the world he will feel very differently and protective.

It sounds like the entire family have accepted and forgiven this disgusting man. Maybe that's why your DH feels this is normal. It isn't and you must continue being persistent OP.

Tbh I would absolutely not allow the grandparents to babysit. I would not trust them to keep my baby safe.

How long ago did this happen OP? How old is the victim now? I really hope he/she never has to cross paths with this man. I hope his/her own parents and close family support her completely (sorry if this has already been covered, will RTFT in a bit).

Stand your ground OP. This child needs you to be the firm, sane one in what sounds like a deranged family.

There's no EX paedophile about it! He is that was because he is sick, mentally unstable, has seen or experienced something probably in the early years of his life that has altered the way his mind works and he thinks, this man isn't just going to get better because he has spend some time in jail! It's deep rooted, not a chance would I expose an innocent child to this man knowing what he has done because IF anything did happen it would be your fault

@missingstreetlife I said unrestricted not unsupervised. A paedophile can abuse even when a child is supervised. It also wasn't the children's father who was the paedophile who was allowed to be around the children at all times even though a parent was present so the same as here. I really don't understand how you got the husband being the paedophile from my post as I never said that.

I was abused by a relative when I was a child. Hell would freeze over before he's ever even be in the same building as my children or any other children I was responsible for. Just no, not never, ever happening.

Trust your gut OP and keep DD safe away from him. I forget the poster's name - but whomever described the grooming process is bob on. He WILL be plotting and grooming until the opportunity presents itself to act. :(

I worked with sex offenders both against adults and kids. They did some research of paedophiles who were being monitored in the community. This involved a lie detector test and every one of them was found to be lying. These guys spend months and years grooming adults and DC, don’t ever be fooled and a family where a convicted paedophile has been welcomed back as if he has been cured is not one I would trust.

Your DH and family are off their rocker. Seriously I feel shocked about their attitude. He's a paedophile! Not someone who nicked somat from a shop or got in fights as a teenager- he sexually abused children! How can they want children near him?!

There is something wrong in your husband's family that they accept this.

I very much doubt that his brother is the only abuser in there.

How old was his victim?

My take is, paedophiles may well never do anything, but their thoughts will still go round, and I don't want my child's face to be the one on those images.

And yes, your dh's family are not right. There's something a bit off about their attitude; they've probably been groomed by him, possibly unwittingly. I doubt that anyone can forgive a paedophile without blocking out the reality of what they've done. The victim's oarents are really up shit creek, and she herself - well, poor child!

I would just ask the husband if he's OK for his brother to rape and abuse his daughter.

Assuming he says no, then the brother goes nowhere near him. If he says anything other than no, consider divorcing and restraining orders.

@rogueone that my fear.

I know this man is a liar, and I've distanced myself a lot, but much of the family is minimising things and blaming (significant) mental health issues.

I don't and will never trust my relative. I cannot, and will not put my children at risk.

How the hell I tell them is entirely another thing.

Op, I'm sorry, you're in an awful pickle. I'm from roughly the same boat but it was my dd who was abused by her uncle. My own brother.

Go NC, with everyone and anyone who has contact with him, I would strongly recommend that. Anyone who feels sorry for him or thinks that he can be controlled or corrected is under his influence and could be swayed by him.

My parents have decided to keep contact with my "brother". I am nc with them now and have been since just before his release. It's fucking difficult and heartbreaking, but your dc has to come first, you can't get complacent about safeguarding a child. Your dh, honestly, is nuts. Keeping her in sight is not the point, the point is making a stand that this is not acceptable and keeping your child safe forever.

I would definitely contact social services, it is very highly likely he is breaching his shpo. It would be very unusual for an shpo not to specify no contact with the victim (though will likely say no unsupervised contact with children, victim should be separate from that). The victim should NEVER have to see him. whoever her parents are I'd cut them out too! They clearly don't care for her welfare. Also, in that case someone should be advising you about contact concerning your child, if they are not then maybe he has not made them aware of all children he could possibly be in contact with. I would dig way further into this.

Best wishes to you op.

This thread is awful.
It's not as you definitely need to speak to people about this and gain information, but is it awful. How can a father genuinely consider allowing someone who sexually abused a child to be around his daughter?! If I ever found out that DH had allowed a paedophile around my son, id leave him and fight for supervised access only. Christ I feel sick just thinking about this!
OP please, please stand your ground. If anything happened to your child you will never forgive yourself.

I said threaten the DH with telling his friends or FB posting not actually do it. At the moment the DH is in the middle of the family cocoon of insanity, where his DB has made a one off mistake and will not do it again. Apart from the OP no one is talking any sense to him. If he has to face the reality of talking to a normal thinking person, then he may start to face up to the situation.

A social worker friend of mine spent a couple of years working in an experimental unit for the rehabilitation of paedophiles. By the time she left she was totally pissed off with the whole thing. The offenders used both group and single therapy sessions as ways to discuss things that turned them on, basically. Her view was that repeat offenders should never enter the outside world again. Keep them somewhere pleasant, fine, but never expose children to them or give them the opportunity to abuse. Children are far, far too precious.

I think your dh simply doesn't understand and has been blinded by the attitude of the rest of the family. If you were to copy and paste Fermats posts, especially the one outlining the possible grooming process (and especially the bit about him being presented as "nice uncle fred" and his presence being normalised and made to feel safe) then do you think he'd see it better?

My own mother has sided with my abuser in a similar way - in her case ot is entirely knowingly as well, there is no dispute over whether he did it; Other family members do not want to see it and do not acknowledge the reality so we all just act like it's not a thing, apparently.

I have to say, do not compromise and be nice in the face of this bizarre phenomenon, I can almost guarantee you will just perpetuate it. I would get in there on day one: openly state, perhaps at a family gathering that you would not become bedfellows with a known monstrous abuser rather than protecting your child (because that is almost the worst kind of woman there is), you nip it in the bud, subverting forever the possibility in their minds that they can "embarrass" you into doing this thing to be "nice" to the predator looming over your child's life.

I know it sounds harsh, but you need to shut that shut down, no exceptions. You are far better off with it comijng to a head no matter the consequences for relationships, than looking back and regretting that you let someone sexually abuse your child, and being that mother who facilitated it, leaving the child forever wondering why, what was so wrong with them (or you) that their mother handed them over on a platter rather than protecting them like a lioness.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic, but this is a bit personal for me. Don't take ANY shit on this matterand don't prioritize ANYONE over your baby for a second - please go with your right, proper and admirable motherly instincts.