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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

358 replies

Anon112233 · 07/07/2018 23:18

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/07/2018 12:37

The poor victim probably feels as though she has no choice, and has probably been coerced by family to forgive him, how old is she? You have to protect your child, as he can still abuse, prison means nothing and being remorseful, if he cannot control himself. I wod not trust him as far as I could throw him tbh.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2018 12:43

Is there something wrong with your husband? It would be a cold day in hell before I knowingly allowed a paedophile anywhere near my child.
No contact at all and if the grandparents can't be trusted to keep him away from your child then no contact for them too.

weeonion18 · 08/07/2018 12:45

You could also seek advice from Stop It Now - they have info on their site as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/07/2018 12:47

I wod not trust his famy one bit to keep your child safe, they would be the types to have your child all around him, as Nd might even rope him to babysit, if you split and your h brings her over. They have probably told that girl to forget it and not talk about her abuse, that it's in the past and to brush it under the carpet. I wod get to know her better at family functions.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/07/2018 12:49

The forgivingness of the family makes me feel uneasy.

Me, too. The only person who can forgive is the victim - no-one else. Other family members may choose to continue to accept the offender as a member of the family, but they HAVE NO RIGHT TO FORGIVE ON BEHALF OF THE VICTIM.

It sounds as though this poor child has had her horrible experience pushed under the carpet for the sake of family unity - HER pain is being ignored, because HE has said "sorry". I can't imagine the effect this must be having on her self-esteem. The "family" don't want to face the facts, so she is sidelined. I wonder if she's also being blamed for what has happened? Either for the assault/s or for bringing the situation to light? I wonder if people suspected (or even knew) but preferred not to acknowledge the truth? That will be one very damaged little girl if no-one takes her side, I can promise you.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2018 12:50

@FermatsTheorem you talk a lot of sense. That sounds like a good action plan in a difficult situation.

Namethatchange · 08/07/2018 12:50

@Mummyofalittledragon
People minimise to protect themself either because the abuse was directed at them or because they cannot cope with knowing their child, brother, sister is a monster. Always better to be pro-active and risk a relationship than have the worst happen.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/07/2018 12:55

His poor victim meanwhile has been ostracised from the family,

This happens SO often.

The victim is forgotten, or blamed, or told it's over with now and don't make a fuss - and the perpetrator has "learned his lesson" and so everything in the garden can be lovely again.

Nor for the victim it can't.

It will NEVER be lovely.

Toofle · 08/07/2018 13:22

I know a family where this has happened. The bail conditions forbid him from having any contact with children including relatives, indefinitely. The family fully supports this condition.

RedPanda2 · 08/07/2018 13:38

The more I read if this the more I want to scoop the victim up and take her away from her awful family. This man ruined her life. Keep your daughter away from all of them.

KateGrey · 08/07/2018 14:08

The BIL sounds like a real manipulative bastard. To go to events where the victim is is vile. He should be keeping away. That suggests he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I think you need to keep hammering home to your dh that you cannot let your dc have any contact with this man. Never ever!

bonbonours · 08/07/2018 14:14

Sexual harm prevention orders state no contact UNLESS parents give permission and are aware of conviction but usually state ss must agree also, though that may be only for overnight in same house.

I like most here would not be letting him anywhere near my child.

LilQueenie · 08/07/2018 14:17

I would be no contact for the safety of my child and for their weird views on the BIL. Sod what the DH thinks.

gekiort · 08/07/2018 14:18

This would completely change how I feel about my husband. I absolutely could not look at him the same if he were forgiving of paedophilia.

It goes without saying my DC would NEVER have contact with a known paedophile.

Beaverhausen · 08/07/2018 14:18

Yep what the others say he will have sexual harm prevention order against him i.e not to live near a school to not have any contact with children etc And he will be on a sex offender register for set amount of years.

You say it was a really bad sexual assault and as such SS would consider that you are putting your child in harms way.

To me there would be no ifs buts or maybe's and if hubby could not agree to that then I would be taking steps to end my marriage to ensure the safety of my child and ensure that even hubby had supervised visit with DC. I know it seems harsh but a childs safety always comes first no matter what.

Categoric · 08/07/2018 14:29

This is a nuclear option but it may work.

OP, please explain to your husband that you are not going to put up with him pressuring you, that you will go and talk to social services to get their advice and that you will try to find out whether BIL has bail conditions Re seeing children. Tell him that if he even refers to BIL until you have taken advice, then you will tell all your mutual friends that he is bullying you over this issue and see what they have to say or post all about it on Facebook so that you can have a wide set of views and not just those of his family.

For what it’s worth, I know a woman who had a convicted paedophile as a BIL. The very wealthy family tried to sweep it under the carpet and she ended up divorced. She got an order that BIL was to have no contact with her children and when the order was ignored, the father was only allowed supervised contact. The children are now in their 20s and refuse to see their father or his side of the family. He apparently blames her still and cannot see that his refusal to protect his children has anything to do with it.

Yoksha · 08/07/2018 14:43

My dad's bro was abusing me in plain site from the age 3. My D-sis too who was 18 months. It became normalised. Fast forward to age 6. I stayed for 2-3 months with maternal gran and maiden aunt. My mum had a difficult pregnancy with bro. One night my Dd & uncle came to see us. I remember my gran ordered me off my uncle's knee quite ferociously in front of everyone. I was sent to bed crying. But I remember a huge argument. My dad etc left furiously. My gran was labelled as ' mad '.

I'm now 61 & suffer terribly. All players in the scenario are dead except us two siblings. My dad's youngest bro (not the abuser) is still alive in another country. A few years ago he attended a family funeral. My D-bro brought him up-to-speed about revelations concerning his older bro. He mumbled something about contacting me. He never did. He frequently had this older bro visit for extended vacations from the late 60's onwards. He's probably returned home and quietly had a blue funk in case anything happened to my adult female cousin over the years involved. Probably having his own private nightmare.

If there was a parent, aunt or some responsible adult who'd protected us. I'd love them till the day I died. Been eternally in their debt.

TooManyPaws · 08/07/2018 14:48

Social services will not hesitate to act if they feel that a child is not being protected. I was peripherally involved in one case where children were removed because the parents were allowing unrestricted access by a convicted paedophile; the court order was gained and the children removed within a couple of hours of the police and SS taking the decision.

Missingstreetlife · 08/07/2018 14:50

Sorry have been away for short time, should have addressed my earlier post to Martha may, who was trying to make sense of pathology- minimising, as the dh has done. I agree with op who is entirely sensible.
Lots of good advice here

Missingstreetlife · 08/07/2018 14:53

Too many paws. Courts often think supervised access is ok. It's not, but as described the husband would get visiting contact and expose child to supervised contact. Op needs to be sure she can prevent that. Legal advice.

hairyharrison · 08/07/2018 14:58

I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with my husband if he thought having contact with him was ok.

adoggymama · 08/07/2018 15:00

You are definitely not being U! Stand your ground! X

Sevendown · 08/07/2018 15:01

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact?

Yes.

Your child could be removed if you allow them contact with someone you know is a convicted child sex offender.

Do not allow him and his family to groom you.

Plenty of children end up abused when supposedly ‘supervised’ contact doesn’t protect them.

Hawkie · 08/07/2018 15:01

see what they have to say or post all about it on Facebook

Seriously don't do this - FFS. This could lead to vigilantes and ultimately may lead to an innocent person being harmed.

adoggymama · 08/07/2018 15:03

The poor victim :( having the family accept him again and not protect her. It's so lovely that you're sticking to your guns and supporting her and your child. X

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