*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

MissMarplesKnitting I have worked in Broadmoor with prolific offenders. Don’t listen to anyone that blames mental illness. These guys cannot be cured and anyone that suggests otherwise is a fool.

Your husbands family are utterly mad. I would feel exactly the same way as you OP, no way should a child be going anywhere near that man!

Also @OP I wish my mother had had instincts like yours. Trust them.

Your doing the right thing keeping dc away your dh needs a good look at himself if he thinks its okay to let his daughter near a paedophile family or otherwise

They’re usually not allowed near children and definitely never alone.

My DM’s mum (reluctant to say my grandma) upped and left my DGF for another man one day about 20 years ago. It came out that the man she left him for was indeed a convicted paedophile and we haven’t spoken to or seen my ‘gran’ since because my DM obviously wanted to protect us and wouldn’t let us near him. My gran is well aware of his crimes fwiw and was willing to risk our safety around him- fuck that. He was taught to stare at the ground if around children- grim.

Stand your ground and keep your baby safe .

@Anon112233

I was sexually abused by my Father before I could even walk, as was my sister. No matter how much better my life is now, I'll always feel like he murdered a part of my soul.

Paedophiles DO NOT GET BETTER EVER. They just get better at hiding what they are.

I would never stay in a relationship with someone who forgave and continued to have contact with a paedophile, especially if they wanted them to meet my child.

I feel very sorry for his victim, the family have pressured her into a horrible situation that sadly it seems she feels unable to stand up to them over.

I would be leaving my husband and going NC if he ever thought for a second it would be okay to have it daughter around a convicted paedophile. It is not a healthy reaction for him and his family to be so enablist. Paedophilia is not a one time thing that can even be “forgiven” - it will be an ongoing mindset and I would move fuckin mountains to keep my children away from somebody like this. I’m not exaggerating, I have a contingency for the incredibly unlikely event that something like this (not a paedo relative, necessarily, just anything that any family member including DH could do to make me feel my children were unsafe) and no begging, frustration or scorn on anyone else’s part could make me feel like I was doing the wrong thing.

Your back is up for a good and glaringly obvious reason. I’m truly in shock that your DH and his family cannot see this.

We had a paedophile in our family. I absolutely resolutely refused to talk to him at family functions. I saw him for the first time after many years (having been one of his victims) and he tried to talk to me as if everything was fine. Sorry but it wasn't and never will be - I completely blanked him and wouldn't let him anywhere near my child.

Your DH is completely in the wrong. his brother is a criminal!

Rogueone, the friend I spoke of worked with lots of offenders too. She said what you do

OP I'm experiencing a very similar situation atm, only with the convicted individual vehemently claiming innocence. Makes things even more confusing and sadly gives other family members leverage for their denial.

It's tough.

Are you coming back OP?

Wtf....the brother lost the right to be in your dds life the minute he layed hands on the child he abused...the entire family think he is not a risk to your dd? Then they don't see her either ..your dh feels the brother should see her...? He's putting his brother before his child ...this is shocking ..ffs op do not back down.

You are absolutely 100% right and your husband is an idiot! As a midwife I’ve seen babies removed from parents who refuse to stop contact with relatives that are a risk to children. It’s bloody serious can’t he see that? Is he really willing to bet your DD on the fact his brother won’t do this again? You need to show him this thread and then let him decide what’s more important to him, his child or his brother.

OP I feel for you. I'm in a similar-ish situation and posted a thread about it last week. It's hard when it feels like you're the only sensible one up against a family that have seemingly lost all sense.

Currently gearing up to broach the subject with my DH this week (he's been away and we barely see each other at the moment). Feeling anxious about it even though I'm not the one who should have anything to worry about in terms of my conduct or opinions.

I'd actually leave my marriage if I had a DH pushing for this to happen

If the husband isn't abusive, he gets contact. He can take his child where he likes for that contact, including around his brother.

And there are countless stories of social services/family court sending defenseless children off with proven abusive fathers, so it would be a gamble. whether they'd be interested in an uncle.

Sorry to be a downer, but "I'd just take our child away and DH would never see her" just isn't a choice one parent can legally make.

If I was in this situation I'd simply disappear with my child. I'd completely up stakes when my partner was at work/away and never have anything to do with him or his sick family ever again. If it required changing my name or whatever then so be it, but there's no way in hell any member of that family, including the husband, would ever see my child again.

There is something fundamentally wrong with your husband and his family. Your husband is willing to hand his child over to a rapist. I can't even get my head around it. I'd be worrying that he too would follow in his brother's footsteps.

Yanbu. Ask your pathetic husband if hes ok if his pervert brother does to your Dd what he did to another child.

for all you incredibly brave women who have been In this awful situation or similar, you're all amazing.
OP think of it like this and put it to you DH this way, hypothetically a new neighbour moves in next door, seems really nice but is a convicted paedophile, would you let him/her babysit for you?......

How would you DH feel if the shoe was on the other foot ?
If it was say your DB?
He would no doubt feel the same way as you OP!!!
Do what you feel is right and that is to keep your DC away from him!
Reverse psychology your DH and say if he has NC then he can't be accused can he !
Say if he does have contact and something does happen , not only will DH want to kill the monster play on the his relationship with DB will no longer be, so why risk his relationship with DB by letting him have Contact with his child?!
Reverse psychology!!

I work with sex offenders in prisons from time to time. Even after being in prison for 10+ years they will attempt to trade clothed pictures of children and threaten to "rape me and my children" if I don't do what they want. They can NEVER be rehabilitated. The ones that seem polite and charming are highly manipulative, I don't trust any of them.

Most paedophiles groom whole families to reach children. You absolutely need to be no contact with this man and anyone else who is being manipulated by him.

You could be horrible, and always refer to him as 'your paedophile brother'. Associate the word 'paedophile' with him every time he's mentioned, as that little fact seems to have been swept under the carpet.

PS I think also that a lot of people don't accept that it's addictive behaviour. Most of us understand that that other addicts, gamblers and alcoholics are likely to have relapses now and again, but it's way more dangerous when paedophiles do.

A close friend of our family had a similar situation with a BIL convicted paedophile. When the child's parents split up the court ordered no contact to be permitted between the children and the BIL with the record.

I would not allow my children to spend time with a family member who was a convicted paedophile, remorseful or otherwise. They are attracted to children and have acted on this in the past. As I understand they also tend to start at the older age of their preferred range and repeat offences are with ever younger children.

I think you need to make it 100% clear now that this will never ever happen. Not in a month, a year or 10 years. If your DH can't get his head around this then you need to split up and get a court order to back you.

Yoksha