At 08:16 yesterday, Fermat said this:
Several people have made the very good point that as your child grows older, you cannot maintain the level of supervision necessary at family gatherings.
Remember that we are talking about grooming, not one-off forcible encounters of the sort a stranger in the park might commit. The game plan on the part of the paedophile is to fool the child into thinking the contact is (a) within the bounds of what's normal between adults and children and (b) is consensual.
And also remember that paedophiles of this type are to play the long game, the very, very long game. (Hell, some spend years training for professions simply because those professions will bring them into contact with children - think of the teachers, doctors, sports coaches prepared to do this. And think of that shit-stain of a gymnastics coach in the US who actually managed to sexually assault some of his victims under the guise of performing medical exams, while their mothers were in the same room).
Now think about your child, not just as a toddler as they now are, but as they grow up. Aged 3, you watch BIL being nice through gritted teeth, thinking "it's okay so long as I don't let her out of my sight - nothing can happen". But something is happening - BIL is establishing himself in your child's mind as "nice uncle fred who is always kind to me and who I can trust." Age 6, your child starts to wonder why her cousins get to play alone with nice uncle fred, but you won't let her, and that feels unfair... and uncle fred has succeeded in driving a subtle wedge between you and your child, because your child is now (without even realising what they're doing) questioning your judgement. Age 10, you are starting to allow your child more freedom. Perhaps she gets to go to sleepovers with school friends where you know their parents. But she's aware that she's not allowed to go to sleepovers with her cousins... and doesn't know why. All this time uncle fred continues to build up his profile in her mind as "nice uncle fred." Then aged 12, by which point she's cycling to school on her own and being allowed to go to the park unattended for short amounts of time with her friends, uncle fred manages to find out what times she goes to the park (in one of those conversations you're "supervising", i.e. watching from the other side of the room through gritted teeth, not close enough to actually hear the words spoken, but which your husband insists is perfectly okay 'cos it's not like his brother fred is actually touching her or anything). Uncle fred manages to "accidentally" encounter her there, and hey presto, he manages to establish a pattern of meeting up with her without you even knowing (telling her "don't mention it to your mum, because for some reason she's never liked me..." - choosing early adolescence, the exact point most girls start to clash with their mothers for developmentally predictable reasons due to puberty, as the point at which to do this).
That's why the only way forward is no contact.
And Jenny70 just now, said:
The pattern of acceptance will start with your daughter if she has contact with her uncle... she will know him and trust him, as she trusts her grandparents, family friends etc. She is a baby now, but soon she will be a toddler, a young girl, a teen... someone who will have some independence and now have a connection to a paedophile. If he meets her in the street with a "friend" she won't be afraid, her judgement will be biased by the trust the extended family has given her.
If this were a friend who raped children, would your DH invite him into her life?
What does he bring to her life, other than a massive risk that he will groom her to be abused? Family should be a circle of people who love and protect you, inserting him into it puts a rotten apple in the middle of that loving relationship. And a massive hole in your trust of DH and his family that have supported the abuser and not the victim in this.
These posts clearly delineate the process of grooming. If nothing else, ask your dh to read these. He needs to understand how it works so he can recognise it should it behappening, and safeguard his children.
It is longterm and subtle and apparently completely normal, but it is not normal. As people have said over and over, paedophiles are for life, they will not change and even if they are determined to act again, is your dh really, honestly, seriously OK with the risk of a 'slip' of bro's determination would probably involve your and his own chidren?