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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this man if this child is his daughter?

519 replies

wildsummerdreams · 07/07/2018 17:25

I just saw a man carrying a child (she 3-4) against her will. She was throwing a tantrum and trying to free herself. It would seem like a normal scene if you have kids, but I could not help but think the worst, so I followed them and ask him if he was her dad. He stopped (good sign) looked at me and when he realised what I was thinking, told me to not be ridiculous. I asked the child directly if that was her dad, but she kept on crying. Then they wen off and he continue to carry her against her will. I watched them for a bit and took a picture of them just in case. Please tell me I'm not a total nutter and what would you have done or what to do if something like this happens.

The girl didn't have any shoes on and they were crossing Kentish Town high street.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 07/07/2018 18:19

YANBU - it's better to challenge if it feels off. I'd like to think I'd have done the same

KurriKurri · 07/07/2018 18:20

It's a tough call actually - I think on the whole if you felt something was wrong then you were right to ask. It doens't mean as some have suggested that you would ask every person with a tantrumming child, or you are a total crazy person.

I imagine something indefinable struck you as not quite right here. If there was no problem - no harm done, but people standing by doing nothing when things look a bit odd is notoriously how some tragedies have happened.

I think you were brave.

quizqueen · 07/07/2018 18:21

I think you acted like a good citizen. I would probably have followed them to see if the situation changed and to get a car registration number if they were heading to a car. Maybe someone who might have seen the little girl, who was murdered in Bute, thought she was out with her 'nice' elder brother!! You can never be too careful and, if he was the father, he should have been grateful you showed enough concern to approach him. Well done you.

manicinsomniac · 07/07/2018 18:22

I don't think you were being unreasonable. It's a tiny, tiny chance that he wasn't her dad/someone who was supposed to have her. But the chance is still there.

I would probably be annoyed to be asked in the man's situation but, when I wasn't in a fraught and embarrassing situation, I would reflect and appreciate the concern. I think this would be pretty close to my in the moment response though - I love it:
Of course she's my fucking child. Trust me, if she wasn't I'd leave the little gremlin in situ and be firmly walking in the other direction Grin

ReservoirDogs · 07/07/2018 18:23

So did you call the police? After all nothing changed after you challenged him?

Reedrummond · 07/07/2018 18:23

After the James Bulger murder there was a lot of talk around bystanders who should have done more to help that poor little lad - i.e. done what OP did. I recall at the time a lady approaching my husband as he was attempting to wrestle our loudly objecting two year old into a car seat. She asked him very nervously if it was his child, he said yes but quite crossly. I was just approaching the car at the time, saw what was happening, and thanked her for asking.

I’d like to thank you for asking too OP, and hopefully when that man has time to reflect, he’d be grateful to you too for showing some concern for his child.

Absolutely right to take a picture, that wasn’t an option in 1993.

NameChangeUni · 07/07/2018 18:25

Well let’s be serious for a second. If this was a paedophile or a murderer as you’re insinuating, why would they carry her in full view of witnesses, and probably in full view of various CCTV cameras? Doesn’t seem very smart does it?

Fickleflock · 07/07/2018 18:25

OP you felt concerned and acted on it - you are definitely NOT a nutter! It shows integrity that you didn’t go against your instinct - maybe he was in charge of the girl, maybe not - nobody can know that, you acted out of concern not malice.

itsbritneybiatch · 07/07/2018 18:26

I agree with you actually.

Remember james bulger? All the adults saw him and wished they had stopped them.

Good on you for having the nerve to do so.

I'd be annoyed initially if you asked me but thinking about it later I'd be glad you did.

NameChangeUni · 07/07/2018 18:26

I mean I can’t believe you didn’t report it to the police if you were that worried

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2018 18:26

Reading the comments here I’m starting to realise how as a society we’ve learnt nothing from the bystanders in the James Bulger and Sarah Payne cases

Quite Hmm Even more ironically, back then everyone was asking "why didn't somebody say something", and yet now when somebody has they're called a nutter

Go figure ...

LilQueenie · 07/07/2018 18:27

I sort of get your point but hes not exactly going to turn round and say yes I'm a kidnapper. Do you also stop parents who are shouting at a child or have kids in the middle of a tantrum

Laiste · 07/07/2018 18:28

I don't think you were being unreasonable OP.

The assumptions that she wouldn't have challenged a woman in the same situation are by the by.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/07/2018 18:28

The reason most people wouldn’t worry if it was a woman is pretty obvious, a woman abducting a child is almost unheard of, and if it ever happens is almost always in connection with a male instigator. Men taking children, although also rare, is far more common. Almost all sexual offenders are male. We all know this, so why the grief to the op for worrying about a distressed child ?

BarbarianMum · 07/07/2018 18:29

The thing is "asking" achieves nothing. He's hardly going to put his hands up to child abduction. The Bulger case was different - it was really clear those lads weren't his parents.

Carrying away a screaming child isn't really an aduction mo. Quietly leading away or whisking into a car is more the thing.

AveAtqueVale · 07/07/2018 18:34

I had someone stop me once, though admittedly on stronger grounds. I was trying to remove DS1 (aged almost 3) from soft play and he was having none of it. He helpfully informed another nearby mother in hysterical tones that I wasn’t his mummy and he was scared of me and didn’t want to go home with me Blush. She (quite rightly imo) went and got a member of staff and luckily the strong family resemblance plus the fact I had a photo of him in my purse (and the fact that he called me Mummy while he was screaming at me that he wouldn’t go home with me) seemed to set their minds at rest. But I did offer them the name and number of his nursery to get a description of us both of they wanted it. While it was mortifying at the time I was actually glad they cared enough to check, and think I’d feel the same about a random stranger in the circumstances you describe. So I don’t think you’re nuts, OP Flowers.

blueskypink · 07/07/2018 18:34

Well let’s be serious for a second. If this was a paedophile or a murderer as you’re insinuating, why would they carry her in full view of witnesses, and probably in full view of various CCTV cameras? Doesn’t seem very smart does it?

Could have been a spur of the moment thing. He might be mentally unstable. He may have been on drugs. Any number of things could have affected his capacity to think rationally and be 'smart'.

I find it reassuring to think there are people in the world willing to stick their neck out and challenge a situation they don't feel is right.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2018 18:34

The Bulger case was different - it was really clear those lads weren't his parents

No, but they could easily have claimed to be his older brothers, sent to bring a reluctant child home or whatever

Asking them might not have made any difference of course, but if there'd been the slightest chance of them being put off - even just for fear of the questioner recognising them later - wouldn't it have been worth it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2018 18:37

You absolutely did the right thing. People getting uppity on this forum are missing the point. You asking this man wasn’t personal. He is a stranger. It isn’t about disbelieving or upsetting the adult/parent but protecting the child. I hope none of us ever find out what it feels like to have our child(ren) abducted. I’m sure you’d all feel very differently after that.

blueskypink · 07/07/2018 18:37

The thing is "asking" achieves nothing.

It did though didn't it? Because the man didn't give the op any reassurance she took a photo of him and the child. In the very unlikely event that it was some sort of abduction she at least has some evidence to give to the police.

RuggerHug · 07/07/2018 18:39

Eh....OP made a split second decision based on 'it's probably ok,but what if it isn't?'.

If OP had posted saying 'I saw someone carrying a screaming distressed child off today and for some reason it seemed off to me' she would be getting a bollocking for not following or told to log it with 101. And if she didn't and god forbid something awful did happen later she would probably beat herself up about it.

Split second decision that was wrong but if it seems off,personally I'd rather look like a bit of a nutter than have a 'what if I'd only said something? Would it have startled them into letting the child go?'.

RunMummyRun68 · 07/07/2018 18:39

The kid probably got treated worse because they 'created a scene and got people involved'

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 18:41

You did right, particularly as there's been several cases of people sharing stories of abducted children recently, as well as potential abductions recently nearby (not that I believe all of them are true).

pushpops · 07/07/2018 18:42

My husband has always said he would thank someone if they checked that our kids were his!
There are multiple tragic cases where people who had seen the perpetrator and victim before hand wish they had got involved.

Deandre · 07/07/2018 18:42

This happened to me, the child was also screaming mummmy, my husband told me to just walk on by....which I did but I was very worried.....it is true though that I would have thought nothing more than a tantrumig child is she was with a women.

I did tell my husband though that’s how kidnappers get so far away....because people don’t go up to check.

It’s a hard choice to make on the spot.

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