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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 07/07/2018 10:00

It’s only a matter of time before the friendship moves on

Sorry he is more invested and wrapped up in her life than yours together

Don’t waste your time and energy you will only resent him for having to do so aren’t you worth better than this ?

AnyFucker · 07/07/2018 10:00

Kill him

Joking. I think. Like many men he is worth more to you dead than alive. One wonders why they behave so badly Wink

Who are these stupid people who keep coming on whining "he deserves to have a friend"

Fuck off

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 10:01

Be honest and admit to my flaws?!?!?!

I'VE BEEN A FUCKING SAINT!!!!

wow. That came out of nowhere. I'm sorry, I don't usually swear and shout at people. I'd delete it and type Some thing diplomatic but I've been brutally honest so far.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2018 10:03

Not read the whole thread sorry. I have been in your situation. The more I kicked off about the friendship the closer they got and then he took to deleting the messages only using WhatsApp changing the settings so it couldn’t be seen when he’s been online and blatantly lying to my face that he had met up with her or been messaging her. This has gone on for 2 years he is currently living at his mothers for the last 2 days probably thinking he’s teaching me a lesson or digging his heels in over an innocent friendship. I just feel relief I don’t have to second guess him and more. Will read the full thread after work but good luck I hope you sort it out better than we did your dh needs to understand u feel uncomfortable with the level of contact and step back a bit sadly mine refuses to

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/07/2018 10:03

You home educate 3 children, that's got to be some kind of work experience!

It will be difficult but I think you should carry on as you are for now, while you work out a plan. Just having a plan will make you feel a lot more positive.

There must be some jobs you can do from home for some extra cash. Proof reader? Mystery shopper? Tutor? Sure with some research you will find something to get a bit of extra cash. It seems really mean you are skint when you are effectively the teacher. Otherwise could you call your partners bluff and say you want to put the kids in school so you can get a job and earn some money since he won't give you any

Timeisslippingaway · 07/07/2018 10:03

AlphaBravo,
Your an idiot!

Arthuritis · 07/07/2018 10:06

You say he has life insurance but are you the beneficiary of that life insurance? Would you inherit the house? Does he have a will leaving it all to you? What inheritance tax would be due given that you aren't married?

I know none of this is relevant if he isn't dead but it worries me that you consider yourself secure when possibly you aren't.

Wildernessie · 07/07/2018 10:06

YANBU..that level of shared info/contact is waaay beyond respectful mateship.i have 2really good guy pals of 30yrs+known since school,close with families etc. we message/call each other &share pics like i do with my girlfriends now we all live in different places-still really close&ive had2tell both of them in the past at various points i dont want to hear about bedroom shenanigans&other stuff they wouldnt happily divulge with their wives around(when we were younger&they were more laddish)coz id hate that if it was my DP..one of the women had a problem with me wen we first met each other8years ago-i think coz me&this guy are so important to each other-but after a couple of days out&drinking sessions&Xmas together she was more than happy to let us do our gym trips&outdoorsy stuff together coz she hates all that..My ex-DP was fine too..i lived with my best guy pal wen we met-then he moved in &we all got along great,though some of DPs mates thought i was clearly a whorebag lol..

Timeisslippingaway · 07/07/2018 10:07

Arthuritis,I wondered all this too

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2018 10:10

"This means I've not worked in over a decade, so I am chronically skint"

Is your dp "chronically skint" as well?

timeisnotaline · 07/07/2018 10:10

It doesn’t matter if it’s not sexual if he’s basically closer to her than to his wife and puts more energy into chatting with and amusing her. Why be in a relationship if that person in your partners life is someone else? You get all the crap and none of the fun, I wouldn’t want to be in it and the behaviour says the relationship with you isn’t important. Don’t focus on the sexual aspect, and tell him he’s missing the point if he’s all ‘it’s innocent’

AnyFucker · 07/07/2018 10:11

Yes! Some anger !

Find some more. Direct it at the right person.

HeckyPeck · 07/07/2018 10:13

I would definitely marry him for the security.

Same here. Not just financial security for you, but for your kids too.

IfNot · 07/07/2018 10:16

There's no point in having counselling in cases of financial abuse (which this is).

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 10:16

I own the life insurance policy and the property is in both our names. It has been rented out for the past few years, and has fixed tenants in place, its not somewhere I can just waltz into. I think I'm secure? A wee bit, in the long run. Just not day to day. Once upon a time I was a street wise cynical thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 10:18

And then I fell in love and babies came along one after the other and I lost sight of things

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 07/07/2018 10:18

Stop TTC, OP, seriously. Three kids and behaves like he is a teenager.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 07/07/2018 10:19

Tell him you’ve been reading about civil partnerships versus marriage as it was in the news last week or two. Read up on it first ... see if his attitude has changed or if he can’t get off the topic fast enough.

scaryteacher · 07/07/2018 10:27

Marriage or a civil partnership to protect yourself and give your kids and you a chance of some support. The OW may think that as you aren'y married, the ties aren't there. Getting married will put paid to that one and underline your relationship.

I would also limit if possible the times she is at your home. Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

Pippylou · 07/07/2018 10:27

Yes, but you've also been out of the country for a while? So limited recourse to benefits (situation dependent, not enough info) and no pension protection/payments?

Once the kids are gone, do you have the funds to live if you were suddenly single? What are your pension arrangements?

Bet he has a nice big SIPP!

Oldraver · 07/07/2018 10:28

Like many men he is worth more to you dead than alive

Not if they are not married...

OP is the house in both your names, are you named in his will ?

JemmimaJ · 07/07/2018 10:40

Why did she cross the line years ago OP???

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2018 10:43

While you waited for the life insurance could you pay bills? Buy food? Would you get his half of the house? Or would his family get it?

Whipsmart · 07/07/2018 10:46

Why do idiotic people keep saying "If his best friend were a man, would that bother you?" She's not a man, that's kind of the problem! Definitely an emotional affair. People get thrown by the talking about smear tests and how unsexy that is - but it's INTIMACY. I wouldn't tell a platonic male friend I'd just been for my smear test, but i'd tell my DP.

Agreeing with lots of previos posters: you ARE capable of a job, a career. taking care of yourself. But he's been wearing you down for years and making you think this weird financial ararnegement is normal.

First: screenshot the messages, all of them, while you've got the chance. You might need them one day.

Don't have another baby. As you said, your kids are now old enough to be a little bit independent and give you more freedom.

Being a virtual PA would be a great job! And your dp might not even need to know you're doing it... definitely try to build up a nest egg.

And either marry him or leave him, you'll be better off finanacially either way. But we can't make the decision for you.

Best of luck to you OP!

HeckyPeck · 07/07/2018 10:49

I think I'm secure?

Marriage would make your more secure in terms of if the relationship ended (spousal maintenance, pension sharing, larger proportion of property value etc) You should definitely look into it as you've been financially disadvantaged by giving up work to raise his children.

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