to feel upset that they 'felt sorry for me'?

[GamoraT]

I'm a cleaner in a big train station. I didn't dream of becoming a cleaner and it's by no means my ideal job, but it's mine and I do it well. A bunch of women walked past me on my shift recently and I heard them say that they felt sorry for people like me, doing jobs like the one I do. This has stuck with me for a few days now and I feel I need to post about it. Do people really see those who are doing jobs such as mine as less? People they need to feel sorry for? I just don't know how to feel about that comment and am gutted that that's how I was categorised...

I feel sorry for train cleaners because of the utter state I have seen trains left in by some disgusting passengers

But equally I would feel sorry for anyone in any job that is deliberately made difficult by other people

Feel sorry for them be8ng so ignorant. I had a high powered job and hated it. I am.happier in my "poor" job. The comments i have heard about it are disgusting! ( i must be thick etc) Fact is ignorance breeds ignorance.

I think I am probably guilty of using "I feel sorry for people that do x/y/z" as a lazy way of saying "I am grateful that I am not doing that." (Cleaning toilets/sweeping the concourse/picking up litter that selfish people have dropped/serving in a supermarket/working in an office)

If it is any consolation to you on a day like today as a full time carer for my mum I feel sorry for just about anyone who is in work - whatever their career path - you may be a top barrister but you are stuck indoors just as much as a server in McDonalds.

To feel sorry for someone isn't necessarily about looking down on them or what they do - it is also about appreciating what we don't have to do ourselves.

And, for what it's worth, you are doing a job I would hate to do but I am grateful to you for doing it. For every clumsy person who makes you feel bad about what you do remember there are dozens more who really appreciate you.

My son works nights cleaning trains - I am VERY proud of him. It's made me realise what a bunch of wankers general commuters are leaving their rubbish everywhere - never mind, somebody else will pick it up

ABSOLUTELY.

OP people should respect not pity you and sorry that you had to experience that.

I get why it upset you.

Pity is such a disempowering emotion towards the recipient for someone to express.

I used to work with young people with complex special needs and I felt angry and protective of pitying looks. Yes life is different, yes it can be hard, yes life won’t look like yours. But what my young people needed was friends. People to come over and chat. To bridge a gap and face their own fears and assumptions.

Pity makes assumptions. Pity keeps people at arms length. Pity makes someone a victim and it keeps the pitier from action. It’s horrible like shame and should. All useless and disempowering.

I really get it. X

I think the comment was appalling but I also think the comments to @ThunderInMyHeart are also appalling. She has a job that has many shit elements to it. Just because the monetary rewards are higher doesn't mean the shit is any less stinky.

The snobbery inherent in the comments about the OP and about @ThunderInMyHeart are equally unacceptable to my mind.

I recently had someone tell me they felt sorry for me because of my job ( mainly as I couldn't go to a daytime event). While my job has pretty crap elements to it, overall, I feel pretty lucky as the positives outweigh the negatives. If I was forced to make a judgement on the life of the person who felt sorry for me, I would have to say, I feel sorry for her. She was works part-time for her dh but she has full responsibility for everything on the domestic front. He does nothing. So I would feel sorry for her in that situation.

I would feel sorry that you had to deal with some horrible things, but it doesn’t mean I would feel sorry for you, if that makes sense. I respect what you do and it makes the world more pleasant for us all.

When I worked in finance, I had a lot more respect for our cleaners, mailroom staff and canteen staff than I did for a number of our fund managers and fee earners, who were thoroughly unpleasant individuals. I don’t think I ever once saw my boss say hello to the lovely woman who emptied our desk bins every day. My boss definitely saw the cleaners as beneath her. Basic courtesy and manners cost nothing.

It's possible that the person meant well but was being absolutely thoughtless (because who wants to be told that someone 'feels sorry' for them doing any job?). Nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, Noone out there earning money and paying tax should feel embarrassed.

I don't doubt that being a City lawyer is very stressful, but it's still a bit tactless in the context of this thread, because a) they get paid a very high salary as compensation for the long hours and client-facing role which cleaners do not, even though there are unpleasant parts to both jobs and b) most City lawyers can become cleaners almost instantly, the reverse is not true. They don't- as it's easy to get sucked into thinking the money and the attainment is worth it and it's hard to reconfigure a high quality of life on a cleaner's wage. But they could.

I know more unhappy lawyers than cleaners, though!

@GamoraT
I don’t feel sorry for you but really wouldn’t want my daughter to do your work but saying that I had the most amazing cleaner when my DC were little and she’s now a friend.
My mum cleaned sometimes to supplement her income, I think it’s more that these women know how dirty public loos can be...

I feel sorry for lots of people in this world (mothers with cancer, people with chronic pain and life limiting diseases) you might be glad to know I definitely do NOT feel sorry for you.

Cleaners and housekeepers are paid very well in comparison to other jobs and some people, myself included enjoy cleaning anyway.

My cleaning lady really likes her job too, she finds it very satisfying.

You are doing a stellar much needed job, and thanks to you we all have cleaner nicer trains. I respect those that are doing a good job regardless of what they are doing.

It works for you and remember you might feel sorry for the shop assistants being spoken to rudely every day or the mcdonalds guys with the greasy skin issue. Or doctors dealing with the chronically ill and the dying. Or Theresa May at Chequers this evening.. You could feel 'sorry' for anyone in any job if you really think about it. Take it with a pinch of salt.

MattBerrysHair
ok, so what about people saying they feel sorry for Kate Middleton and the public scrutiny and the attention she got just after giving birth for example? I doubt anyone felt superior there either.

Some posters are confusing "feeling sorry for " and criticism! Sometimes it just mean you acknowledge it's hard work.

My firefighter friends do feel sorry for themselves in that heat, they still wouldn't change their job for anything else.

I feel sorry for cops, surgeons and soldiers who have to tell a family their child just died. How is that patronising?

If you feel patronised, it says more about you than anyone else, sorry.

I felt it was necessary to make the City lawyer comments because, objectively, a lot of people would think highly of it, would never thin to make a disparaging comment, would (much like Bluntness has done) say that a City lawyer is lucky and has lots of options

Bullshit are they lucky. A city lawyer in magic or silver worked bloody hard to get that place and fight off a lot of competition. And yes you do have other options, I assume you're qualified, ( and surprised you don't call yourself a solicitor) and as such could work for any other smaller firm where your billable hours don't need to be a min of eight a day. So yes you have options. Comparing yourself to the op is shit in this scenario.

And why don't people like it if you feel sorryfor them? Because they neither wish, desire nor invite your sympathy. Keep it for people you know, people who clearly need it, the op doesn't want it.

I'm appalled at some of these comments, I really am. Such a total lack of any form of empathy.

I manage care homes for a living-ops manager is the job title. I do no car work anymore-just manage the managers.
A while ago due to some stuff in my personal life I went back to frontline care for a bit. I was shocked at the negative reaction from my family and some friends-either sympathy as they assumed I'd had a burn out and couldn't hack the management anymore, or piss taking, or in my mums case, disappointment because I was doing a 'rubbish' job. I was livid. Id actually made a choice to do something I enjoyed for a bit. I can't believe how judgy people were.
Sod them op-if you like your job and it works for you, then it's the right job for you, and that's all that matters.

I may have thought like that when I was young and stupid, before realising that life is about more than what job you do and what you do doesn't define you as a person.

I left a very good career as I couldn't cope with the stress of it and meet the needs of my son who has a health condition. I will work again but it will be something that I can leave at the end of the day and forget as much as possible, like cleaning.

I don’t look down on Station toilet cleaners, but really admire them for the job they do. However, I wouldn’t want to do it, and I guess in a way I probably would feel sorry for someone if they were doing that as a job and didn’t like it as I would understand that alternative opportunities might not be there for them.

However, I don’t feel sorry for City Lawyers. They have extremely stressful jobs, but can leave at any time with other opportunities open to them if they wish. They could work for a smaller local law firm, or a charity etc, or even leave law and get another job as they will have many transferable skills. This might involve a large pay cut, but that’s their choice.

I think they were patronising. Your job doesn't define everything about you. I don't feel sorry for anyone doing that sort of job. For all they know, it suits you, you enjoy it, it's financing your life or study, any myriad of possible things. I did cleaning, nannying and delivered the post when I was a student. I'd happily be a cleaner again, it's satisfying.

A cleaner who worked at NASA, when asked what he did, replied “I help put men on the moon.” Your job is essential to the smooth running of the station.

@raisinsraisins - However, I don’t feel sorry for City Lawyers.

I feel sympathy for anyone who is in a job they hate or who feels overwhelmed by their job. It's not always as simple as you make out to quit and do something else.

Someone who works as a cleaner, carer, chambermaid etc can equally quit and go on benefits. It may involve a pay cut but that's their choice.

Why should sympathy be reserved for those earning less than a certain threshold? What is your threshold?

I do t think it's so much that they think less of you just they wouldn't be happy doing it. It doesn't mean there is no value in what you do - indeed there is a lot.

I always think that people who clean loos etc are heroic. Not being patronising. I assume they have a heck of a personal back story to be doing that job.

Well I think you're brilliant OP. So many people are on benefits these days (not disparaging those who genuinely need them, but we all know people who fiddle the system to live on benefits as a lifestyle choice). Good for you for earning your own money, and kudos to you for doing a hard job that many others wouldn't. That earns you more respect in my book not less!! Never ever feel ashamed, the world would be a better p!ace if we had more people with your work ethic x