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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 06/07/2018 12:22

I think that says more about the attitude of the other kids in the school not the OP's dd if she got that upset at the thought of not fitting in. What has she had happen in the past or seen happen in the past to those who don't fit in?

callmeadoctor · 06/07/2018 12:24

Defo unreasonable. All you had to do was ditch the school blazer and tie, just send her in her school skirt (or trousers) and shirt. End of problem. Cant understand why that was an issue at all. Alternatively a quick Facebook callout to other parents to see if you could borrow something for the day.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 06/07/2018 12:25

I think it was a bit silly to let her stay home

My y10 just went in school uniform (yeah I know that is uncool according to the fashion crowd)

Bit precious to stay at home if you have no new clothes

HairDyedPink · 06/07/2018 12:25

I think it's funny to read posters so outraged by the "may wear heels" which would delight half the girls - whilst the other girls don't give a monkey and stick to flats. Flats are fashionable anyway (apparently)!

I would happily send my daughter in trousers and a tshirt, but not my boy. I wear tshirts and suits even for interviews, and look fine because I am female whilst my DH couldn't get away with it. Sadly no one can ever write that plain clean tshirt are fine for girls but not for boys these days.

LisaSimps0n · 06/07/2018 12:27

I don't think YABU at all, and would be very dubious about a careers day that appeared to be predicted on the assumption that students would be going into jobs that required 'business attire'. I'm a professional in my late 40s and am not at all sure I even know what that means. I've never been required to dress like this for work, and I've never owned heels.

callmeadoctor · 06/07/2018 12:28

As another poster said, it is helpful for the students to learn about attire for interviews etc.

LisaSimps0n · 06/07/2018 12:29

Predicated, not predicted

cestlavielife · 06/07/2018 12:29

It might be a Good idea then to look put at Primark Sainsbury Tesco for a basic skirt blouse combo which she can use in future for such days and work.experience uni interviews etc. Family funerals. Etc etc. She is going to need something in future so look at the sales and get something basic but smart for the future occasions. Check out charity shops too.

AJPTaylor · 06/07/2018 12:30

in my experience there will be a fair few who dont go because of the interview part.
i taught employment skills to young adults and we did require them to come dressed for interview but i spoke to them individually before cos we could access modest amounts to enable them to buy black skirt/trousers and plain top from tescos or similar. thats all that is expected at entry level job for an under 20.
its a shame that schools dont suggest that instead. school uniform fits that.

Stormy76 · 06/07/2018 12:30

OP I did not mean it to sound harsh and do appreciate that money is tight, but she still should have gone in because it really wouldn't have been that bad for her. Plus I guarantee that none of those teens in heels would have been wearing them by the end of the day anyway. She has missed a valuable day at school all over some clothing, teens can get a bit hysterical over things that we don't see as an issue but you have to be firm .....very very difficult and hard to achieve when your child is breaking her heart in front of you.

It is a pity that she didn't ask one of her friends if she could borrow a top? If she isn't able to ask that of them then they are not very good friends, I would have done anything for my friends when I was at school including lending clothes. If they wouldn't do that for her then she needs to rethink her friendship circle.

Sweetpea55 · 06/07/2018 12:30

i agree that schools miss the fact that some parents just do not have disposable income for this sort of thing,
I remember being a spf on a very limited income, My DD1 needed the ingredients to make a lemon cheesecake from scratch and also a packet cheesecake so they could all compare.
I was furious but scraped together the money for bloody cream cheese etc and bought the packet mix, I didnt want her to be the odd one out in the class . And we had two cheese cakes to eat ,,,a rare treat for us to even have one,,

charlestonchaplin · 06/07/2018 12:30

There are few job interviews where you'd go wrong with 'business attire'. No heels necessary of course.

AJPTaylor · 06/07/2018 12:32

oh, and yanbu. you know your dd best. if she is good and non fussy normally its fine to cut a bit of slack sometimes i think. she knows you are on her side and listen.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 06/07/2018 12:36

The school should have said school uniform - not fair to expect parents to buy stuff their kids won't wear again. Sad for your DD that she's missed out on a useful experience though. Do you know anyone who would be able to give her some practice interviews? (I could if you're in the NW)

thecatsthecats · 06/07/2018 12:36

It really is sad to read all the comments about not going because money is tight - to an event aimed at improving her career prospects?

I'm sorry OP, but I agree that you should have sent her in.

I do know how these things can affect you - I was dropped in it by a colleague at the beginning of a training day and it knocked me for the first hour or two. But I pulled myself together and got on with it.

I disagree MASSIVELY with people saying 'she's just a child'. There's no magic cut off point where someone is able to cope with things one day because they are now an adult. PEOPLE. LEARN. FROM. EXPERIENCE.

If you suddenly acquired all adult knowledge and wisdom age 18 and never needed help or development since, submit yourself to the nearest neurological development research lab, because you're a freak of nature.

Going in would have been the better thing to do, experience wise (and yes, I am balancing that against the experience that some days it is ok to say, 'nope, can't handle it, staying home').

Boulty · 06/07/2018 12:37

I bet lots of children will do it in uniform - it is good practice for the future.

So my question to you is, now she knows that if she cries she doesn't have to do something she doesn't fancy... what do you do next time she cries... it will happen again. This was a minor thing pop your uniform and learn a new skill but she chose to cry over it and you excused her. There is no way all the other children will have 'business attire' you fell for that one!

Scoopofchaff · 06/07/2018 12:40

Op your daughter sounds lovely and you sound like a lovely mother too!

But I think it would have been great to teach your dd that she is "good enough just as she is" to turn up whether she is in uniform or a suit. (Obviously she'd be wearing uniform!). Tell her that if anyone comments it says more about them than her and to just reply "we chose not to spend money on clothes I'll only wear once" or "so what, slept in, couldn't be bothered!".

I can see how it all arose at last minute though!

mirime · 06/07/2018 12:40

@charlestonchaplin of course it's wrong, but nobody has figured out a way of eliminating that behaviour yet.

And I was bullied. It went way beyond teasing, and got to the point where there were some occasions I could have been seriously hurt.

Amanduh · 06/07/2018 12:42

Hmm, I think you are ok to keep her off it she was that upset but I don’t think the school did much wrong really, they had an option, they had notice, and some of those kids will be going to work next year and it’s a good opportunity to get some experience and prepare. I’d invest £15 if you can spare it or go to a charity shop and get her some basic trousers and a shirt for when she has interviews, work experience etc in the future.

cestlavielife · 06/07/2018 12:44

It s also about resilience.
Finding a way around an issue
Getting her confident enough to turn up in uniform or other.

Gingertam · 06/07/2018 12:47

Agree with Boulty. Your daughter is going to really struggle when she starts work. She won't be able to just not go in if something is bothering her when she's an adult. Most kids would have just worn school trousers and a shirt or borrowed one. I bet there will be some wearing uniform.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 06/07/2018 12:50

I don't get this "dressing smart for jury service"

We were told to very much wear whatever we'd normally wear (Crown Court)

Boulty · 06/07/2018 12:50

Lot's of parents appear to step in very quickly... and excuse their offspring then wonder why they have no resilience or stamina to take on life when they are older. Stick-ability, drive, the willing to try things/give it a go attitude appears to be vanishing and a quickly give up/tears/don't 'make me do it' attitude has arisen (sadly supported by over protective parents).

Interesting article on the news today about how people used to have Saturday jobs but now shop keepers etc struggle to recruit young people to work.. why...?

PS I was bullied and poor when young, it was not nice at all. But today teenagers appear to be so fragile and turning up in uniform for a careers day would be nothing at all to be phased about. Perhaps it is society and the need to look like the clones on FB/TW or Love Island and other 'celebrities' is strong. Learning that you are not all sheep and you don't all have to spend lots of money to look smart is an important lesson in life.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/07/2018 12:51

These she sounds lovely! / fabulous! / awesome! posts always amuse me. Op’s dd very probably is lovely, but there’s no particular evidence on this thread to suggest anything of the kind.
Why do people do that? Is it meant to be supportive?

Boulty · 06/07/2018 12:53

This …"It s also about resilience.
Finding a way around an issue
Getting her confident enough to turn up in uniform or other."

100% shame we don't see much of it.

This is SO VERY IMPORTANT and so very underrated.