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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 06/07/2018 11:04

Our school has a 'world of work' week where they wear office wear.
DD1 had stopped growing by then and we had loads of notice, so we just got charity shop finds and supplemented with 1 new shirt and a new pair of shoes - her first highish heels. The heels lasted 1 day before she went back to her school shoes. She has since worn everything quite a bit so it was worth the 'investment'. (Funeral, 6th form interviews, work experience fortnight as part of course).

For just one day it seems daft - I'd have gone for school skirt and smartish shirt, school shoes, no tie.

runningkeenster · 06/07/2018 11:05

My ds has a similar day today. He doesn't have a suit jacket. I sent him in with school uniform shirt and trousers, but he borrowed a tie of his dad's to wear. No jacket because it's too hot and I wasn't prepared to buy one just for this day, they are really expensive and its difficult to find one that would fit him on ebay. When he has college interviews they'll be done at school, in uniform, and by the time he gets to uni interviews he'll probably be bigger and possibly be able to borrow something of his dad's again. That's if you need a suit for uni interviews?

I think school uniform could and should have been fine. It's about learning how to conduct yourself at interview, not about making parents buy expensive interview clothes. I'd have said it was easier for girls though, no suit required.

strawberrypenguin · 06/07/2018 11:06

I'd have sent her in wearing modified uniform. Usual trousers/skirt and she must have a relatively smart top she could have worn. I wouldn't have bothered with the heels though.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/07/2018 11:06

Really ridiculous of the school, IMO.

Neither of mine would have possessed anything like 'business attire' at that age.

HairDyedPink · 06/07/2018 11:07

the school "suggested" it, and it's a shame you didn't push your kid to go. If she didn't want a uniform, a different top would have been fine.

Many girls would jump at the possibility of wearing heels for school, it's fun for them. I usually wear flats at work myself, and I am not reading it as a "girl MUST wear heels". Plenty of girls also won't bother with them! I can think of a few who don't even have a pair of heels at 15.

It's a real shame when some parents decide to take everything in the worst possible way. People against school uniform should read this thread and what happens when you give a different CHOICE to pupils.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 11:08

To be honest when I got the letter firstly I just thought oh well she can go in uniform. It was only yesterday that I realised how significant this would be once she knew her friends were all kitted out properly.

Nonsense letting a child have the day off school because she has 'nothing' to wear She has stuff to wear but nothing suitable. She does not have a smart lacy top, her tops are tshirts and my clothes are all too big for her to borrow as we did look through my wardrobe too. The letter stated tshirts, strappy tops, jeans, trainers, shorts, sports attire are not permitted.

The heels thing also, I am assuming it because of the girls wearing suits. I saw some girls walking into school when I dropped my other dcs off and they all had heels on.

I think I will raise it with the school next week and let them know as I am sure it isn't just my dd probably off today or made to feel really shit at not having the right clothes for this.

OP posts:
00100001 · 06/07/2018 11:08

Wow, she needs to toughen up. I mistakenly went into School in full uniform on a non-uniform day. It was fine.

I doubt very much she would be the only child in the whole school in uniform.

Hygge · 06/07/2018 11:10

DS has a themed non-uniform day today.

He already has a t-shirt relevant to the theme and I made him something else to wear with it that suits the theme as well.

When we got to school there were a lot of children in uniform, most in themed clothes, and several in tears because they were in normal clothes but not related to the theme.

Apparently they've all been warned that if they don't have themed clothes they have to come in uniform, and they were scared they would be picked on or get into trouble. I've seen that with school before, they do a Christmas jumper day but the kids are warned if it's not a knitted jumper it doesn't count and they can't wear it. One boy said he had a long sleeved t-shirt and was told it couldn't be worn. Its a shame to exclude children because they can't afford to buy something they will only wear once.

Children shouldn't have to be in tears about not fitting in because they can't afford a one-off outfit for school. I think you've done the right thing in keeping her off if she was so upset, but it's a shame she has to miss out on careers day just because of her clothes.

SoupDragon · 06/07/2018 11:13

Surely “heels” were mentioned because they aren’t usually permitted?

I would have made her go in TBH.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 11:16

It's a real shame when some parents decide to take everything in the worst possible way. People against school uniform should read this thread and what happens when you give a different CHOICE to pupils.

Actually I'm not a fan of school uniform but this is very different to wearing just non uniform.

For those saying she could have found something in her wardrobe, she literally had nothing she can wear. If she did of course she would ahve gone in it. I'm embarrassed to say my dd has a grand total of 6 tops, 2 pairs of jeans,some jogging bottoms and a couple of jumpers. no smart shirt ot blouse. her tops are nice but tshirt like so not allowed. She also does not have an actual wardrobe, just a single chest of drawers. She owns 2 pairs of shoes - trainers and her school shoes. of course she also owns about £200 worth of school uniform!

OP posts:
theforceisstrong · 06/07/2018 11:16

I find with these things the view that everybody is going to be wearing x and everybody else will be doing y is usually a massive exaggeration. I absolutely do not believe that the school asked the girls to wear heels but it's possible some of the parents bought some. I think you have failed to distinguish fact from fiction her and so I would say you are being unreasonable.

HairDyedPink · 06/07/2018 11:20

You could have just called the school and tell them your child was coming with (school) trousers and a plain clean tshirt, to avoid any possible embarrassing argument on the day. I bet they would have been completely fine.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 11:21

I think you have failed to distinguish fact from fiction her and so I would say you are being unreasonable. The letter gave suggestions of what would be acceptable, which I stated before.

I do think there will be children going in school uniform, but I think they would be few and far between and from what I saw this morning there were lots in smart suits and girls in heels. The heels were not compulsary, just suggested. All DDs friends were wearing heels.

OP posts:
DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 06/07/2018 11:23

But they could go in school uniform - it was in the letter!

TBH OP I would have (and have) spoken to my kids about this, and used it to teach them resilience - that time I didn't get the email about halloween costume, or forgot it was non-school uniform and they were one of the only kids in their normal clothes/uniform - and after a bit of complaining, they got on with their day, just fine. (and this is a 7 and 4 year old).

Sometimes, you're going to stand out for some reason, and there's nothing wrong with it. It would stand your daughter in good stead to be able to shake this kind of concern off and do stuff that scares her anyway (it's the best thing I've ever learned, and it took me until my 30s. I hope to instill it in my kids a lot sooner)

roseblossom75 · 06/07/2018 11:26

I know it's not the same, but my daughter (14) always has a meltdown on any non uniform day.
I think there must be so much peer pressure on them to be the same as everyone else.
My daughter has her own personal preferences, but feels she has to wear what everyone else is wearing or suffer the consequences of being whispered about (as she tells me).
It's like now in this hot weather, they have a choice of tights or socks.
Socks (even in this heat) are apparently "so cringey" according to DD so no-one has the courage to wear them and they all sweat it out in tights!
It's a shame as I always hoped in this society (more so than when I was at school) it was encouraged and accepted to be an individual.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/07/2018 11:27

Heels would not have been compulsory! They were probably just defining what business attire was, in case anyone decided to interpret it creatively.
You were very unreasonable to let her miss out rather than send her in wearing a simple blouse and skirt.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 11:27

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg with all due respect a 7 and 4 year old is very different to a 15 year old girl in secondary school.

OP posts:
hennaoj · 06/07/2018 11:28

Business attire is fast becoming t-shirts and jeans anyway. My husband has only worn these to work in an office for the past 25 years.

ilovesooty · 06/07/2018 11:30

If the whole day was run by teachers without any outside involvement I'd question how useful it was. I'm a former teacher. I'm now a careers advisor. I now realise how little I knew about careers advice when I worked in a school.
I imagine the day would have been fun and don't see why they needed different clothes for it but I bet she won't have missed anything very useful if the school hasn't brought in local businesses or career professionals.

HairDyedPink · 06/07/2018 11:32

At 15 you really need to start teaching your child that's it's ok to not always follow their friends and look uncool or whatever the right word is this week.

If my kid can't be strong enough to wear a pair of flats when her friends are wearing heels, how will she be confident enough to refuse to climb in a car with a drunk driver or sleep with some guy because of peer pressure? At that age, they are completely in the danger zone, they need to know how to stand up for themselves.

charlestonchaplin · 06/07/2018 11:32

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soulrider · 06/07/2018 11:33

Business attire is a really outdated concept these days. I wouldn't have anything suitable these days because I haven't worked anywhere that's required business dress for many years. I do have an interview suit but the trousers require holding up with safety pins, ok if you keep the jacket on!

ilovesooty · 06/07/2018 11:33

And admittedly my company has a pretty casual dress code but I can't recall seeing any female employee in heels at any time recently.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/07/2018 11:37

I think you did the right thing. This stuff matters when you are a teen and no 15 year old should have to 'toughen up' as suggested by a delightful poster upthread. She is a kid, adulthood lasts long enough, bring happy is what matters now.

Schools are always coming out with ridiculous ideas that involve spending parents' money for them. I think heads forget that not everyone is on their salary or has time to go shopping at short notice.
Most 15 year olds do not already own business wear.

malvinandhobbes · 06/07/2018 11:37

YANBU. I'd have done the same.