AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

For those doubting the contents of the School letter I have also seen letters stating suggestions as given by the OP. Just because you cannot believe a School would be that daft/sexist does not mean they do not exist.

I do not blame you for keeping your daughter at home.

I think you made a mistake and should’ve insisted she go in in school uniform. She may have missed out on some really good up to date advice.

Are you massively different in size? Could you not have lent her a plain white shirt? She must have a black /dark skirt and decent shoes. There was no need to buy a new outfit as ‘female business attire’ is a very broad category.

I’m really not in to this trend of allowing kids to miss school for unnecessary reasons.

Letting her miss out on careers advice because she’s “conscious of her image” is truly ridiculous, op

I would have done the same! Personally I grew up not having much money and I dreaded non uniform days as I always stood out as the poor kid, it seemed like everyone else had the latest clothes, trainers etc. My ds is in reception and one other kid comes from a poorer family and his mum told me she dreads them always asking us to send the kids in a certain outfit as it's always something you have to buy specially! It's not fair to have any kid standing out as different, which is what wearing uniform is all about in the first place!

Sorry op but I think YABU.

School were being unreasonable too; they should have had everyone come in uniform and the "heels" thing is ridiculous!

However, there are often times as an adult where we might worry about being inappropriately dressed or unsure of a situation which makes us feel uncomfortable yet we just have to plough on through regardless and this would be a good situation in which to teach your dad resilience.
After all, what she is wearing does not matter as much as what she is doing.

Yes it would be upsetting for her initially but I'm sure that there would be some others in uniform and after half an hour everyone would probably settle down and focus on the matter in hand and it would become a non-issue.

Instead, with the best intentions, you have reinforced her view that she can't turn up and work unless circumstances are perfect. You have also deprived her of the experience of going in, dreading it, feeling uncomfortable and then finding that it wasn't as bad as she imagined it would be! After all, she is not going to die from wearing uniform and doing things slightly different to her classmates (even if she thinks this is the case!).

Finally, agree with pp who suggested a quick look around the charity shop (your dd could have done this alone at her age) might have helped in these circa!

charlestonchaplin you think it is acceptable to call a 15 year old a name? I have a feeling you were the school bully with the attitude you have shown here. I am not a "wimp" so why don't you vent your venom on me instead as I can take it.

Bullying is a campaign of nastiness but many kids cry 'bullying' so easily, and really seem unable to cope with any meanness.
I agree, but it's more the parents crying "bullying" than the children.

Missing out a day when OPTIONAL dress code is not of your liking doesn't sound very reasonable frankly.

I think the school have communicated this very poorly.

My dd went to a model united nations conference when she was in Year 10 where she had to wear business attire and lots of her outfits were based around smart black trousers or a black skirt and plain coloured tops. Rather than saying t shirts were banned they shoudl have said no slogan t shirts. I often wear a plain white or coloured t short and black trousers to work.

Also they should have said girls are permitted to wear heels if desired. (Admittedly I think every single of my daughters friends have heeled shoes) I'm fairly sure thats what they would have meant but they just worded it very badly.

circa? - meant circs!

charlestonchaplin just saw your other post. I suggest you go and educate yourself on the definition of bullying, etc. I stand by my conviction that you were indeed a school bully and likely to be one now (although I have no proof as, thankfully, I do not know you in RL)

charlestonchaplin I don't appreciate comments like this. I can assure you my daughter has already experienced hardships and meanness no child should have to so you calling her a wimp, fragile and lacking resiliance based on knowing nothing about her says more about you to be honest. And I do not jump in to help her with every little thing, but this time I thought the school were wrong and I could see how much this hurt her. This does NOT make her or me a wimp.

I asked for opinions on whether I was unreasonable keeping her off school. Not opinions on my daughters character. She is growing into an incredible young woman who makes me proud every single day and I have no doubt she will succeed in whatever she does despite not attending this careers day.

She should have gone in whatever smart ish top and skirt , or dress, you could.muster up. Heels are not necessary. No one has to.wear heels .

And charity shops are ideal.for this kind of thing. She could have gone to local one herself.

Could you not have lent her something? Borrowed something from a friend or neighbour? Had a look in a charity shop?
If you were given less than a days notice I appreciate it might have made it harder but still doable.

Yabu, Surely you could have put together an outfit, one of her tops with school skirt/trousers? The heels thing I would object to on the grounds that I have never worn heels to work and that is no reflection on my professional performance.

Your daughter is going to need to have smart clothes for interviews for college/uni etc. Perhaps a little nudge towards her wardrobe and encouragement to find something appropriate part of her uniform would have been better than letting her take the day off. What sort of clothing does she have that you couldn't have matched a top with some trousers?

Part of the reason some schools are doing this is because of the lack of common sense shown by these teenagers when they go out into the 'real world' turning up to interviews in low cut tops and mini skirts. She would have benefitted from the interview techniques as well. I am sure that most of the kids would not have had brand new clothes for it, a lot would be mixing and matching with their uniform.

Have you actually been in a charity shop recently (I have as I help to costume kids shows). They are often more expensive than buying new.

Not everyone can get to a shop with short notice anyway. The nearest charity shop to where we live is a drive or bus to the nearest town. Where we live there is literally a dog groomers, hairdressers, pub and a co-op. I struggled this week because ds forgot to tell me he needed blacks for a school concert. He has black trousers anyway for when he does his dance/singing exams but due to work/other commitments I couldn't get to town at all but managed to find a black polo shirt at Matalan on my way home.

001001
Wow, she needs to toughen up. I mistakenly went into School in full uniform on a non-uniform day. It was fine.

What a nasty unhelpful thing to say.**

OP I think you know you did the right thing for your DD. I don’t think her future career prospects will in any way be harmed by her missing this day.
School uniform, looking smart, should have been the required outfit.

I most definitely wasn't the school bully. I was a nerd, though no-one called me that word because being keen on doing well wasn't seen as a bad thing. I also didn't have the latest anything. I was grateful for what I did have and luckily had a matter-of-fact mother who didn't indulge silly whims. Of course I grew up mostly in the third world so it was easier to recognise what was really important and what wasn't in the grand scheme of things.

School uniform, looking smart, should have been the required outfit.
but it was!

If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

It's parents and children interpretation that is causing issues, not the actual dress code.

Stormy76

See my previous post: For those saying she could have found something in her wardrobe, she literally had nothing she can wear. If she did of course she would ahve gone in it. I'm embarrassed to say my dd has a grand total of 6 tops, 2 pairs of jeans,some jogging bottoms and a couple of jumpers. no smart shirt ot blouse. her tops are nice but tshirt like so not allowed. She also does not have an actual wardrobe, just a single chest of drawers. She owns 2 pairs of shoes - trainers and her school shoes. of course she also owns about £200 worth of school uniform!

We have no charity shop localy that she could walk to, or any clothes shops and I don't finish work until 5.30 so too late to drive anywhere. We are quite a way from any shopping areas that isnt a supermarket. Honestly, if I could have found her clothes to wear or afforded to buy some from tesco we would have done that. I was happy for her to go in uniform but I didn't realise what a big deal this was until last minute. I don't think dd did either. She panicked and got herself in a right state I suppose.

If a child mistakenly went in school uniform on a non uniform day at ds's currentl school it would not be a problem at all. Ds did it once and ended up changing into his PE kit.

If it had happened at his previous school it would have been a nightmare. Resilience is all very well if you've got a caring, supportive school with a decent bunch of mates. If you are in a school where its all about who has what and you havn't then it can be awful and I wouldn't put any child through that.

'sobbing her heart out' at the prospect of wearing her school uniform? That's all I need to know abitannoyed.

She should have been allowed to go inone of her nice tops. I really cannot understand why the school said she couldn't.

Given they are 15 I would think it unnecessary for them to have 'business attire'. And as for asking girls to wear heels you have to be kidding. I would write to the governors to complain. What kind of careers are they tutoring them for? Pole Dancing? FFS disgusting.

Hugs you are not a shit mum at all. Sounds like the school is a bit shit.

I'd have made her go in. If she didn't care enough to ask someone to borrow a top or tell you she was concerned before the event then she should've gone in school uniform.