Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 09/07/2018 11:22

"You can cover a lot of this stuff abut job interviews with her in your own time so don't worry about it.

Do your research
common interview questions prep
eye contact
grooming / dress etc"

And have a plan for dealing with an "I don't want to talk about it" moment. Your current plan appears to be giving in to it.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 09/07/2018 11:59

Dick move by the school. Making it "business attire" whatever they think that is, has likely just made it massive distraction.

Amazed by the number of posters who repeatedly say charity shop/primark. If you aren't near/short of time these aren't helpful suggestions, and that's before you even get onto spending money that you don't have for what is essentially a dressing up day. Hmm

It's not great either to buy clothes as 'disposables'.

FWIW, OP, I'm sorry that you have been harangued by posters and received unpleasant personal comments about you & your daughter based on such a tiny incident.

Underparmummy · 09/07/2018 13:09

shitholiday2018 THANK YOU. Excellent post.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 14:33

Any sort of last minute themed mufti day is a dick move by the school.

GameOfMinges · 09/07/2018 14:38

Yep. And completely avoidable too. They will have known about this careers event for some weeks, minimum. The business attire thing isn't necessary but even with that in mind, not giving any real notice when they had every opportunity to do so is just asking for situations like this to occur.

longestlurkerever · 09/07/2018 15:39

Yep. And completely avoidable too. They will have known about this careers event for some weeks, minimum. Why does this ALWAYS happen when school are requesting some particular dress that could be borrowed/purchased cheaply with notice but becomes a panic without? In some ways I hate the "come wearing something [colour]" more than the fancy dress days. You can normally rustle something up with fancy dress, and at least it can be creative/fun. Encouraging the purchase of disposable clothing is just rubbish on many levels. This feels similar.

bellinisurge · 09/07/2018 15:42

Wonder if they'd actually discussed "business attire " with students early on and in good time but some either tantrummed about it or didn't understand it , hence the letter which appeared to be late in the day.

longestlurkerever · 09/07/2018 15:52

Wonder if they'd actually discussed "business attire " with students early on and in good time but some either tantrummed about it or didn't understand it , hence the letter which appeared to be late in the day. Perhaps it's just me then that gets regular last-minute requests for Tudor dress or wear something green for environment day (wtf?) and so on. In this case it was optional, to be fair, and actually at our school lots of people do just ignore these types of requests so I'd be fairly robust in face of the "everyone else will be wearing it" line, but I still am not buying that it being a short notice request is an unlikely scenario.

bellinisurge · 09/07/2018 15:54

Nope, at primary school, the last minute thing is pretty standard (annoyingly so). But these are students about to leave school.

SlartiAardvark · 09/07/2018 15:58

It was only yesterday that I realised how significant this would be once she knew her friends were all kitted out properly.

I'm sorry, but you make her and her friends sound very vacuous and shallow.

Any blouse or shirt would have gone well with uniform trousers/skirt.

bellinisurge · 09/07/2018 16:05

Having been an interviewer lots of times, I would say that as long as a person is smartly dressed, I don't really care about how expensively dressed they are. It's usually how they carry themselves rather than the gear they are wearing . And certainly not heels. But some people, particularly young people, find that "business attire" is a useful armour to have on in a challenging situation like an interview.
If someone doesn't show up for no good reason, I don't think "diddums".

GameOfMinges · 09/07/2018 16:06

Teenagers in vacuous and shallow when it comes to appearance shocker.

runningkeenster · 09/07/2018 16:20

*Does your DD not ever go to any events you have to dress up for? Weddings, funerals, church, award ceremonies, presentations, photographs, parties and on and on. What does she wear to these? It is hard to imagine a teenager hasn't got a plain skirt/trousers and a plain top/shirt that would do for a few hours in school?&

Mine has not been to any of these events for many years! School prize givings require school uniform. Photographs require school uniform. We've not been to any family events like weddings or smart parties, and although I've been to a few funerals I've not taken him. There is literally nothing that he has ever needed a suit for.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 09/07/2018 16:21

I think it was daft to keep her off when she could have gone in, in school uniform.

I think the school was totally out of order requesting girls to wear heels though. Wasn't there a recent law suit about some firm wanting their receptionists to wear them?

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 16:32

Exactly and it's daft to expect teens to react like mature adults in this situation. No teen wants to be the odd one out.

SlartiAardvark · 09/07/2018 16:37

it's daft to expect teens to react like mature adults in this situation.

It's up to the parents to be the mature adults & tell the teens what to do.

It's their job....

Lethaldrizzle · 09/07/2018 16:41

Snuggy- not all teens!

bellinisurge · 09/07/2018 16:42

No teen wants to be the odd one out but sometimes you have to be. Sometimes people have more money than you. Sometimes people get jobs you set your heart on.
Which is why you get whatever guidance you can and practise as much as is possible.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 16:50

Given that schools work with teenagers it's not unreasonable to expect them to show understanding of how teenagers behave.

I remember when my school decided to do a last minute sports mufti day and i went into a panic and my mum had to go out mid week to buy a tracksuit because I couldn't cope with being the only one in PE kit. As an adult it wouldn't have been a big deal.

It's just fucking stupid of the schools and the OP should tell them why her daughter didn't feel able to attend.

jamdonut · 09/07/2018 16:59

You’d be surprised at the number of parents who won’t believe their children about what the school has asked them to do unless they “see it in writing” - hence the late notice. I’m sure they didn’t expect people to rush out and by outfits especially for the day, particularly as they said uniform could still be worn ... they gave a choice!!!
I would not have allowed a child of mine to stay at home for that reason... a tidy t shirt with school trousers/skirt would have been fine as a compromise.
I think you were unreasonable.

FrenchJunebug · 09/07/2018 17:14

YABU. The school said she could go in her uniform! Such a day is very important for the future. Nobody cares what she is wearing.

cheeseytoast · 09/07/2018 17:19

French Have you ever set foot in a high school?
Every kid cares what they are wearing.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 17:21

Secondary schools can be very hostile environments.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 09/07/2018 17:28

You can't just create resilience out of thin air! Resilience is something that can be built, but it needs to have a foundation. It takes time, and small steps, and every child (and adult!) has a limit to what they can cope with. You don't suddenly have a strong resilient child, just because you wish them to be!

Whilst not brilliant that she missed out on this event, if OP's DD wasn't strong enough emotionally to deal with it in school uniform, then she wasn't strong enough to deal with it. It really is that bloody simple.

cestlavielife · 09/07/2018 21:09

You build resilience by facing the fear and doing it ...parents job is to encourage and ask what is the worst that could happen by goi my in school uniform.. tell her to go half day... encourage her.....you don't build resilience by saying ok don't go. Next time it might be something much more important but she is taught to give in.