AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

I think, as you and she have left this to the last minute, it will have been easier to keep her off. Really, she should have let you know her concerns in advance so a skirt and blouse could have been borrowed. No need for heels tho.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar
Its just the opposite view of telling complete strangers on this forum that they sound like an entitled bitch or a cunt

I am quoting posts from other threads, not abusing the OP here! Even if I know someone will pop up saying I am...

I organised this events last week in my school and there was so much put into it, it's a shame you didn't encourage your daughter to go. We had women from the police, ambulance, armed forces, adobe, Microsoft, Dr's, teachers, we had people who are or have been apprentices at local businesses, university graduates, employers and more. Her school trousers and a top would have been fine. (although he said uniform this year)

I’m not sure it was the right thing to do to let her stay at home, but I completely understand why you did it. Some 15 year olds are more resilient than others, I hated being the odd one out at that age and would have found this situation very upsetting.

And to the person who called the op and her daughter wimps for wanting to fit in, choosing to be different is a luxury, embracing being different is something which usually comes with maturity but having it forced upon you is a misery.

I think school skirt and shirt would've been fine. It's a life lesson in itself that you don't always get what you want.

She could've learned some helpful information.

Yabu.

I think the other problem is that you've helped your DD avoid one issue whilst inadvertently setting her up for another one ie your DD will need to lie about why she didn't attend and the DCs will be talking about how good the day was, making your DD feel left out because she wasn't there to share the experience.

The school should know better. A full outfit including shoes can be a massive expense, even if you do just go to Primark or similar. And you're really lucky if you can borrow something from someone that will fit.

I think you did the right thing OP.
And while I encourage kids to be themselves and not to conform to peer pressure etc, I don't think this scenario really applies. Its not like your DD has any choice in the matter so its not a case of freedom of expression etc. And while it would be lovely to shrug off any comments that might come her way if she did go in uniform, kids can be really cruel and I wouldn't want my child to be in the firing line just because the school have decided that you need to wear a different article of clothing on this day.

I'd definitely be calling the school out on it. Especially the heels suggestion. Even if its not mandatory, to add that in is so bloody ridiculous.

I think she could've gone in her usual school shoes, skirt/trousers and a different top, even a fitted t-shirt would be fine. No one is wearing suit jackets to work in this heat , it's such a shame for her to miss out because of clothing

Crikey! Empathy a bit thin on the ground here.

I am a secondary teacher in charge of pastoral support and I can think of a huge number of otherwise resilient young people who would struggle in this situation. Personally, I think the whole premise is garbage and cannot see why dressing them up in some old fashioned idea of business wear is going to help them one bit. I would bet anything that she will not be the only one not to have attended.

If anything could be used as a learning experience here maybe you could chat to her about her own level of planning. She knew it was business attire - at what point did she consider what she would wear? You presumed uniform which is fair enough - what was she thinking?

I’m sure the school had no notion of anyone running out to buy a full outfit!

They offered a choice between wearing uniform or wearing own clothes, but if they’d just said own clothes or even smart own clothes they’d have had kids showing up in all sorts.
People’s definition of smart varies wildly. So they said business dress, so everyone would understand exactly what was acceptable.
Any dark skirt / trousers with a plain shirt would have done just fine.
Such a storm in a teacup, refusing to go to school because she had nothing to wear
It wasn’t exactly black tie and ball gowns.

When we had mock interviews at school we had to wear business attire. I borrowed a skirt from a friend’s older sister I think, wore with a smart too. She really had no semi smart top that would go with normal school trousers or skirt? I think you could have been given a bit more notice but really missing a valuable careers day because of this is such a shame, you should have worked out a solution together.

@gingertam

Most kids would have just worn school trousers and a shirt or borrowed one.

Borrowed off who? I'm sure my friends would have been willing, but they're clothes wouldn't have fitted me.

@Boulty

Interesting article on the news today about how people used to have Saturday jobs but now shop keepers etc struggle to recruit young people to work.. why...?

I'd guess partly because teenagers have so much more pressure in school now.

Also, and this is just ime, some shops aren't very good at sticking to the law regarding breaks and hours worked for young people and for large shops where hours are being cut preferring weekend staff who can be flexible in the week will put young petite at a disadvantage even if they do apply.

Cliches in this post:

-"you say you have no money for clothes, why didn't you just buy her some clothes?"
-"kids today"
-it's all about resilience!
-because I once got through a difficult situation anyone can and everyone is exactly the same as me- I was bullied and it made me into who I am today!
-you are a weak parent and because you responded to your child's emotional distress in this way she will manipulate you and get her own way and be useless forever

Bit precious to stay at home if you have no new clothes

From the Op’s posts it seem things are hard financially and her DD doesn’t have much or get much. I suspect she accepts this as reality and makes no fuss about it but today would have just been too much for her because it highlighted how hard things are.

I think we have to be really careful with our children in these teenage years when their mental health can be quite fragile.
If your normally confident, capable dd was really upset about this, it's better to listen and maybe let her have the day off than force her into school for 'resilience'. She has plenty of time to build it. I know we can't all go through life afraid to ever tell our kids off or say no, but we do have to be careful and as aware as we can be about their pressures. This is a really difficult age. For a child with good attendence, missing a careers day is nothing. If she was disproportionately upset about this then you did the right thing in not forcing it.

OP- what area are you in where the careers service is still strong, staffed and resourced enough to put on a day like this?

If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

I think it would have been different had the wording been "they can wear school uniform or suitable business attire (list of suitable items not including heels)." Though ideally just having it as a normal uniform day would have been the more sensible option.

I probably would have kept my child off had I been in the same situation.

I can't see a careers day in Year 10 is going to be vitally important anyway. Pretty much all the careers advice I got in school and sixth form was a waste of time.

I have a v sensitive 15 yo, I feel your pain!

Also I run a business and I would never require anyone to wear a suit ever! I often wear a denim skirt and trainers. I hate this narrow definition of what "business dress" is. Fine if that's what you want to do, but for many people it's not, they should be broadening young people's horizons not narrowing them.

Some schools ask for parents working in various industries / professions to give talks.

She really had no semi smart top that would go with normal school trousers or skirt

You really can’t understand that she didn’t despite the op saying so quite a few times?

My ds had this day at his school this week. They had to wear business attire and there is an Amazon voucher for the smartest dressed, which I think will probably go to whoever can afford to buy a suit for one day!

DS was happy to go in his school uniform just with a different tie, but a friend’s son who is a year older lent him a suit.

It probably is harder, and more competitive, between the girls but DS said they all had on a black skirt with a lacy blouse so looked like like uniform anyway!

Another school near us did it yesterday and they all wore uniform which is a better idea as they can concentrate on the careers side of the day rather than the stress of what to wear.

Hope your daughter is okay now and not too upset.

@mostdays

OP has said she couldn't afford a while new outfit. People have reasonably suggested or questioned alternatives, like a new top.

And I think most people have said that they think this is a learning opportunity for resilience, not that the girl should automatically be resilient.

Not everyone has to have the same answer or opinion.

lamagreyhoundhearmeroar if that "lovely" comment was addressed to me, I was simply replying in response to op's post of 12.08. Op seemed to be getting upset that her dd's character was being attacked.

It is possible to disagree with op's actions and not be a bitch about it. So yes, it's meant to be supportive (which is one of the main points of Mumsnet I thought?)

If anything could be used as a learning experience here maybe you could chat to her about her own level of planning. She knew it was business attire - at what point did she consider what she would wear? You presumed uniform which is fair enough - what was she thinking?

The OP can correct me if I'm wrong but I imagine the scenario went something like the letter was received Monday (OP said beginning of the week), they both assumed unifrom would be fine. Then as the week went on the kids began to talk about what they were wearing and by yesterday the OP's dd realised that she would be the only one not in business attire.