AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

Perhaps you should acquaint yourself with the meaning of the word “requirement” before dishing out advice, shit?

No requirement to wear heels. Not banned. There's a difference.

Yanbu. You listened to your dd’s feelings, weighed this against her usual well adjusted, sensible conduct and did the best you could given the lack of time available. You show a level of understanding and respect for your child that others are sorely lacking. All this shoulda, woulda, coulda rubbish is irrelevant. You made a judgment call and fwiw I would’ve done exactly the same. Your dd will gain more from that than any careers day.

I've been at a few careers days as an "employer" (I don't actually employ anyone, im there as an example of my role).

Some kids go all out of course, rest were in various stages of smart causal - but no jeans/tshirts/strappy tops etc. I've not seen one kid in school uniform so yes she probably would have stuck out.
I do remember a non school uniform day, I didn't have any jeans as had grown out of mine and we couldn't afford to buy new ones at that time, had to wait for my birthday. One of the bitchy girls made nasty comments about my clothes. Now I wouldn't give a flying fuck and would've laughed in her face but as a 14 year old I was mortified - and of course I still remember it vividly an embarrassing amount of years later.

So initially I thought it was a bit daft missing what could have been a really fun interesting day for her but in thinking about it, that's probably all she would have remembered - being potentially the only one in uniform.

I think she should have gone in uniform! She's had a paddy and got her own way. However, the school sounds quite out of touch with reality and I would have pointed this out to them in the first place.
Will she be doing work experience? She needs to have appropriate outfits then.
Oh and nottakenusername, you'd have us think the only outfit she has is school uniform 😂😂😂

I'm not sure if I would have sent my DD in wearing uniform, but she certainly does not have business wear and I wouldn't be buying any just for the day. She's 15.

Having had to trawl around the shops for a funeral outfit for my small, size 6 DD I would say it would actually be very hard to find something suitable in a cheaper shop. We ended up with school trousers and a black patterned blouse (that was too big) from Debenhams/Dorothy Perkins costing over £20.

In Primark, Peacoks and Tesco there was nothing suitable that would fit her. Most of the cheaper clothes start at an 8. Neither could DD borrow something from me (I'm fat) or her friends (they are all a lot taller).

We are not struggling for cash, so we are lucky. I can quite understand the problem you would have had OP - and I'd have kept my DD off as well (and having been to a High School organised careers day recently, I doubt she missed much, if there were no outside agencies it is likely a lot of the info the teachers were pushing is out of date, it certainly was at the one I observed).

Absolutely ridiculous on the school's part.

Interviews don't always go the way you hope. Sometimes you have a bad clothes day. Sometimes the two combine. Better to have that at Careers Day.
Absent any bullying or SEN issues, you have let your daughter be a bit of a snowflake, op. If you feel that was ok, then ok.
Are you being unreasonable? Yes.
Has the school apparently been a bit cack handed? Yes.
So what.

I think that the school staff / head will be rightly ashamed when they realise the implications of their request. Schools are supposed to be very hot on ensuring that less well off pupils are given extra opportunities! Please let them know OP.

A requirement is unlawful, but encouragement is still unacceptable. Would it be ok if they flippantly said ‘you may wear more revealing clothing and make up’ too? If suggests to young women that these sexist ideas are normal in business and the world hasn’t changed. It isn’t changing but change won’t be effected until change starts at grass roots - when kids start out in the world of work.

I wore heels for 20 years in a city job. My feet are fucked. I can barely wear a heel for fun at all now. Painful bunions. Heels are medically proven to cause damage, that’s why they are directly discriminatory. We should not be even mentioning heels to girls in relation to business, except to say they are not longer considered a business requirement, just like skirts and a face full of make up.

*it is changing

Thank you to so many of you for the support and understanding my reasons.

Just to be clear, she will be going in on Monday as usual. dd did say thursday night she didn't want to go but she didn't refuse to go. It was me who gave her the choice on Friday morning.

I will bring it up with the school I just need to figure out a way to do it. I don't feel like going in and airing our situation out in the open so to speak.

The school suggested a skirt with heels as an example of business attire because ‘business attire’ is a broad spectrum and many 15 year olds won’t understand that the spectrum doesn’t involved ripped jeans and crop top.

They never said heels were obligatory. Also the OP was paraphrasing so we don’t even know how the letter was worded exactly. I genuinely don’t know why people are working themselves up about the heels thing at all. It was given as a suggestion not mandated. They said she could also wear school uniform so I’m assuming the kids could wear their normal flat school shoes.

I personally would email or write a letter. That way it will go to the person in charge first hand.

Unfinished - people are getting aerated in the same way as women before us did about the right to vote, the right to equal pay, the right to take maternity leave and not be sacked. Lots of women then felt the situation was ok too, because it was the status quo. It’s about picking apart the sexist assumptions at their source. No one is saying to boys: wear something to make you LOOK better, longer of leg, more sexually attractive, in order to look business like. And that’s the point - the detriment comes because the ‘advice’ relates to how women look which has nothing to do with business. And that’s the issue.

Take the scales from your eyes. I want my girls to have an equal shot at a job without having to feel uncomfortable because they think there is an expectation that they elongate the perceived length of their leg in order to be seen as proficient in their work. It’s 2018, the government thinks it’s wrong, we should all be calling it out at grass roots.

The more I read of this the more bloody irritated I get.

Laughing faces at the idea that a child might actually only have uniform. Yes, that is absolutely HILARIOUS! Some of ours do have only what they wear to school. We turn a blind eye to the black jeans as that’s what they wear at weekends. I get so sick and tired of “just go to the supermarket”. Aye ok, when op works full time. Or you live so rurally as I did that a supermarket is a 50 Mile round trip. Or a charity shop - yes, because hey are known for their excellent range of choice

Schools are tasked with bridging the poverty gap. Doing things like this with no consideration that it may provide a barrier to attending is daft. The whole thing strikes me as organised by someone who has done nothing other than teach and wants to ‘prepare the kids for the real world’ with an outmoded idea of ‘business attire’

There are so many smug posters who are just as distanced from reality as the school are. Congratulations on raising your fantastically resilient children and being so extraordinarily capable that you would simply have bashed your child up a suit from a hessian sack.

Op, call your child’s head of year and be absolutely honest about what happened. If I took your call I would be mortified that such upset had been caused.

Neither the school nor posters on this thread should think that people can just go buy a cheap outfit. Very many people live in poverty (thanks to this govt for the huge increase) and can barely afford the basics. School should not have made sexist suggestions and should have specified school uniform as one of the options for looking smart for the event.

And what @passmethecrisps said!

They did specify school uniform as an option? Calm down...

Thanks for he advice, I'm already calm . It shouldn't be positioned as an 'if all else fails option'.

In the long run I'd be tempted to look out for bargains and gradually expand her clothes as she doesn't seem to have much. I'm guessing she has stopped growing and as she gets older she may have more events.

No iama. That’s not really the point actually. The girl in this instance became upset at the idea - no doubt because she realised that none of her pals were wearing uniform.

I wouldn't have let mine stay at home. There was information there that could be potentially very useful to her and she will need a job. Not making her go to school will send a message that career related information is not so important. However, I would inform the school that their rule is not helpful and explain the reasons.

Oh my days people are now equating a school giving girls the option of wearing heels with the fight for women to vote. This thread has officially entered hyperbole territory. I’m out.