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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 06/07/2018 20:14

And you did ask for opinions OP!

gillybeanz · 06/07/2018 20:17

One of mine went to one of these at school, it was completely useless.
What do teachers know about interviews for a job, apart from the one they have, they haven't left school.
I'm not a teacher basher but my kids knew more than they did as we'd covered it all at home.
i'd have kept mine off too, but she won't have careers advice or interview skills.
They have networking classes far more useful.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/07/2018 20:18

Imho people should choose the A Level subjects where they think they will get the best grades, as universities care about results more than whether you did History or French A Level (assuming you don't wish to study for a degree in History ). Head of sixth form will advise when the time comes anyway.
Many people end up in careers which have no direct link to their degree subject. (Obvious exception being medicine).
Nothing bad is going to happen because she missed one careers day.

Her extreme reaction does suggest this was really important to her and you were right to support her.

Floradoranora · 06/07/2018 20:31

I honestly don’t mean this disrespectfuly but you are struggling financially so sound like you’re in low paid work?

Wow

HollyGibney · 06/07/2018 20:36

Holly - you really don't get it do you?

Oh I get it. I just don't agree with you. You do see the difference don't you?

Unfinishedkitchen · 06/07/2018 20:40

Why is that a ‘wow’? It’s just an observation. If you’re struggling financially isn’t it normally because your income is low verses outgoings or you are servicing large debts? The OP said she ‘couldn’t afford business attire for one day’ but as PPs have said ‘business attire can consist of a £5 white top and skirt from Primark. Surely if you can’t afford that, you are struggling financially or am I misreading her post? I come from a relatively poor background so I’m not judging someone having a lack of money at all. I just think that would motivate me to ensure my children don’t struggle in any which way I can.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 20:45

I am on an

OP posts:
melse2964 · 06/07/2018 20:52

Yea deffo would have kept her off thats just ridiculous buisness wear thats stupid how does wearing suits make a difference anyway
dont worry u are not a bad mum i would have done same xx

pandarific · 06/07/2018 20:56

Unless there are major bullying risks at this particular school imo it was not the right call, because it IS about resilience. I say this as someone who was badly bullied. It sends the wrong message imo about learning to do hard, unpleasant things you don't want to do with a confident, positive attitude.

OP had good reasons, but I just don't think it sends the right message.

Original poster
abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 21:10

I am on an average wage but yes am a lp and although we can manage on my wage it's very very tight. I have more than 1 dc and after 19 years of marriage I have found myself alone. I don't always get it right when it comes to parenting but I am doing my best and judging by my dc I think I'm getting it mostly right. I don't have anyone else to give me a sanity check on these things. Dd1 is my eldest so I'm still muddling through these teenage years.

For those who think dd is an entitled madam, she most definitely isn't. She had about 3 tantrums around age 2, realised they didn't work and hasn't had one since. She wasn't having a tantrum about this, she was genuinely upset. This is why I made the decision I did.

She has never made me feel bad for not getting the things she wants. I'm sure she yearns for things and has asked for things but if I say it's not possible it's left there. we have not always been poor, but she has not been raised to get what she wants whenever she asks even when we had the money to do so.

Anyway I have decided I made the right decision today. She's a sociable girl, works incredibly hard at school, has some lovely friends but she just had a little wobble yesterday which I think she's entitled to after a wobbly couple of years.

We've had a lovely chat and I'm confident there isn't a bigger issue behind this other than teenage angst.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 06/07/2018 21:16

If you think it's ok, then that's your view and has been from the outset.
For what it's worth, I think you are unreasonable. Having a positive school experience is not the same as being readied for the next step. She's going to face bigger challenges as an adult in the world of work. Hope she's ready because it sounds like she's not there yet.

bellinisurge · 06/07/2018 21:19

It would be better for your dd to have a tough time in this cocooned environment and learn some lessons for the real thing.

missymayhemsmum · 06/07/2018 21:32

She's 15. So she will need a tidy outfit sometime soon, presumably. You could have borrowed or sent her round the charity shops, or lent her a top to wear with a school skirt/trousers or sent her in school uniform. You have taught theta if you don't have the perfect outfit, thats' an excuse to duck an opportunity. YABVU.

ChiaraRimini · 06/07/2018 22:00

My DS had 6th form induction and was meant to go in business attire. He went in school trousers and white shirt. For prom he borrowed his dads old DJ as I couldn't afford a posh new outfit. I think your DD was being a bit over sensitive TBH.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/07/2018 22:11

My nearest primark is about 20 miles away. It's not always possible for people to just pop to the nearest one or search through charity shops, esp if they have a ft job and other children to look after.

Lethaldrizzle · 06/07/2018 22:18

Resilience is the best thing you can teach your kid

GameOfMinges · 06/07/2018 22:43

You made a good call.

Tillytrotter123 · 06/07/2018 23:42

I've not read all the replies but yanbu. You've already explained that it was last minute and you didn't have time to go to somewhere like primark. I remember being this age and you can't underestimate how self conscious teenage girls can be and what a big deal it would have been to her. There are other ways to 'toughen up,' and this didn't need to be one of them. She sounds like a lovely girl, I would have done the same. In the grand scheme of things the day won't matter but she would have remembered the embarrassment.

Audree · 06/07/2018 23:51

There will be times when your dd will meet people who have more than she has. This could have been a good lesson on how to be proud of herself, not compare to peers. She must keep her chin up and learn her qualities matter more than her clothes.
My kids have friends who are poorer and friends who are richer than them. Some have bigger houses and cars and newer gadgets. I think our role as parents is to teach them to deal with it.

TooMuchSunshine · 06/07/2018 23:57

My sister had this a few weeks ago..
Two days notice.. She's 14. And as you can imagine not many 14 yr old have business attire.
Cost mum a fair getting an outfit and shoes. ( her school wear trainers normally so didn't even have the shoes already)
She also had an anxiety attack at the thought of getting on the public bus to school ' looking old' in her words.. = 40 mile round trip for me to take her (mum don't drive) then again in afternoon
She loved it though in the end

TooMuchSunshine · 06/07/2018 23:59

PS. Op I would of done the same. X

mirime · 07/07/2018 00:01

@bellinisurge

It would be better for your dd to have a tough time in this cocooned environment and learn some lessons for the real thing.

You know for some people school is not a "cocooned environment"?

Lethaldrizzle · 07/07/2018 00:05

You won't be able to keep her off work when things get tough. Teach her to be bold and proud of her differences

MaryPeary · 07/07/2018 00:56

School said business dress or uniform. Stop blaming school. They gave the option. Personally I think YABU to allow her to bunk off because she couldn't buy a new outfit. She wouldn't have been the only one in uniform, but even if she had been - she could have held her head up knowing that your family spends its money wisely and doesn't blow cash on things you don't need for one day's use. A missed opportunity. @plumsofwrath put it well - This isn’t about resilience or snowflakes or whatever. It’s about priorities: you prioritized her not feeling “left out” because of the clothes she was wearing, over learning immensely valuable (hopefully) life skills, for free, at exactly the right age.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/07/2018 07:37

The best thing you can teach your kids is that you will always have their back.

Resilience is something they will pick up eventually, like I said, adulthood is long - they don't have to acquire adult skills all at once. If she wasn't ready or able to cope, it's always better to listen to what she is telling you.
I do think people forget how brutal school can be for some kids.

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