AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

It's says in the OP heels were part of the "suggested" attire for girls. I have a problem with that. It's not hyperbolic, it's outdated and sexist. "Smart shoes" would have been just fine.

Some girls wear heels as part of their "game face". And wear heavy make up . It's not my bag but it's what people do. The school was saying it was ok. That's it.

I think you did the right thing OP, if my school had done such a day then I would either have had to go in in uniform or my school skirt and borrowed a top from my DM - which everyone would have known wasn’t mine. I can’t see a day like this being majorly useful at 14/15 either, at uni yes, high school not really. Many people choose A levels based on what they think they want for future careers but I was told (by a law teacher) that lawyers very rarely study it at A level, for example.

When I did work experience (I think not many schools do it now, former colleague said his daughters school didn’t as it was difficult with insurance and safeguarding) I wore jeans and t-shirt with a cardi (I was in a primary school). When I went for my sixth-form interview and enrolment, I wore jeans and t-shirt as did everyone else. I worked in two FE Colleges and when it was interview evening the only ones not wearing their own clothes were those who had interviews straight after school and didn’t have time to get changed.

When at work in a non-uniform role I generally wore black trousers with a plain t-shirt and a cardigan. I don’t see why the school wouldn’t allow something similar. I’m in a role now that requires a uniform but still waiting for mine to arrive and so I’m wearing skirt/tights/wide strap top/t-shirt/cardi or trousers/t-shirt/cardi. Heels aren’t allowed in my role, so I’m wearing DM brogues. Most dress codes are more relaxed these days and many people wear similar to what I’ve described.

Someone mentioned she would need 'business wear' anyway for when she does work experience. Surely that depends on what work experience she does. Can't imagine a smart suit would go down well working at a dog rescue centre or a landscape gardening company or a nursery school or the local fish factory or a furniture upcycle business or the 1001 other jobs out there.
It's happened now. She missed the day. But the most important thing is not doing pretend interviews but actually having a good sensible talk about what she would be interested in doing in her post-school life and how you can get there. That is where schools are usually very bad and poor in giving advice. It seems odd that local businesses weren't involved in this day. When I was 15 I was completely clueless as to what companies exsisted in my town. Looking back I feel a bit daft I was so blind. As far as I knew there was retail (where my mum worked) and a local large factory (there were infact several factories but the one I knew was quite famous). I still wish (almost 30 years later) that someone had actually talked and listened to me about what I maybe would of liked to do with my life.

Did you project your own experiences onto your DD's nerves, op? Not a good idea.

NotTaken exactly. My DC have t-shirts, jeans, and DD has a "disco dress" which my aunt bought for her residential school trip this year.

DD has no pretty tops because she doesn't do pretty. She lives in Pokemon t-shirts and joggers. I'm sure a Pokemon t-shirt and school trousers would have gone down well.

*Passmethecrisps Sun 08-Jul-18 09:41:36
The more I read of this the more bloody irritated I get.

Laughing faces at the idea that a child might actually only have uniform. Yes, that is absolutely HILARIOUS! Some of ours do have only what they wear to school. We turn a blind eye to the black jeans as that’s what they wear at weekends. I get so sick and tired of “just go to the supermarket”. Aye ok, when op works full time. Or you live so rurally as I did that a supermarket is a 50 Mile round trip. Or a charity shop - yes, because hey are known for their excellent range of choice

Schools are tasked with bridging the poverty gap. Doing things like this with no consideration that it may provide a barrier to attending is daft. The whole thing strikes me as organised by someone who has done nothing other than teach and wants to ‘prepare the kids for the real world’ with an outmoded idea of ‘business attire’

There are so many smug posters who are just as distanced from reality as the school are. Congratulations on raising your fantastically resilient children and being so extraordinarily capable that you would simply have bashed your child up a suit from a hessian sack.

Op, call your child’s head of year and be absolutely honest about what happened. If I took your call I would be mortified that such upset had been caused.*

Hallelujah for someone speaking the truth.

Those of you suggesting "just nip out for a cheap outfit" "gradually build a wardrobe" "surely she has something" FUCK where have you been? Lots of people are poor and this means they have NOTHING. Arghhh

Her school are doing a shit job of poverty-proofing the school day. You're quite right to refuse to buy specific clothes.

HairDyedPink at 15 I struggled desperately to fit in, I finally stopped trying at 20. My family, despite my recent diagnosis of autism, are still pressurising me to conform at age 50. It doesn't work, and I look like a freak.

Butterfly DS1 did his work experience in a garage. I think it depends on the business.

Unfinished - you are clearly not at the forefront of the fight against endemic sex discrimination in the world of work. Some of us are. Women got the vote because lots of women made small steps to oppose the status quo, which then became a movement. Those steps went on to fight discrimination in the workplace, when women could be sacked when they got married and worked for ‘pin money’ rather than wages to support a family so could legitimately be paid less. Look at the stats now, the law has changed but women still get paid less and are not properly represented in the high echelons of business. Grooming policies requiring women to wear heels and heavy make up are still around (see Nicola Thorp case, the grooming policy is available in full in the committee reports as an annexure, reading is believing). Schools saying ‘you can choose to wear high heels’ precipitates the view that high heels are an integral, engrained part of business wear for women. Nicola Thorp showed us that it is not. The law an the government now agree.

Imagine if a school told the boys ‘you may want to stand on your tip toes for the whole 6 hours of today’s careers day because you may feel you fit in better/look better/feel ready for business’. It’s not a requirement but it sounds stupid doesn’t it? That’s because it is.

Telling young girls that inherently sexist dress codes, especially ones which make the wearer feel physically or professionally uncomfortable, are acceptable continues the endemic sexism our girls grow up around. It says that what they look like is more important than what they think, what they are, what they can bring to the table. It continues the generally sexist environment which currently surrounds business and against which many women (and men) are railing. It’s the environment which allows the glass ceiling to continue. It’s the environment in which a government committee is required to tell an agency supplying staff to one of the top 3 City accountancy firms that a ‘grooming policy’ (requiring 2-4 inch high heels and obligatory heavy make up for women) is wrong. They couldn’t work out for themselves that telling a woman who arrives at work in smart flat shoes to go out and buy a pair of high heels, or be sent home, is wrong. They couldn’t work out that sending her home for refusing was wrong. In 2016. Not in 1970, but now. Take the scales off your eyes.

Things will only change for our daughters if people rail against each and every infraction, when we see it, and call it out. Fine Unfinished, if you don’t want to, but it’s this action which will make working life more fair for your daughters than it was for us. Don’t denigrate that fight, just because you aren’t prepared to be a part of it.

Hear hear @shitholiday2018

I think it’s wrong in principle. Girls shouldn’t have to wear high heels. I would ban them if I was in charge. (Sorry ladies I know you love them) but they are just another scourge on health. And enforcing business attire on teenagers just makes me queasy. It’s wrong on a lot of levels. YANBU.

Its more a shame that she missed out on all the things the day had to offer such as interview practice.

And getting schooled in casual sexism?

The OP and daughter were not making a feminist statement by not going.

Rather the opposite.

She did not go in as she did not have "the right" clothes and heels.

Interesting reframe.

I once went into school in uniform on a non uniform day because I hadn’t been in the Main Hall for the announcement as I was talking my exams under special conditions for medical reasons

I was only in there half a day for an exam and I was still MORTIFIED

YANBU OP

I think it's easy to forget how much we all lived in fear of humiliation as teenagers.

You did the right thing OP. Your DD really wouldn't have missed much. The more interesting career fairs and interview practice will be available when she gets older and when she has a better idea of what career path she may take.

From original post

They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

I don't see why the school had to specify business attire at all. However YABU to keep DD off because the school did state that school uniform was acceptable.

I’d have probably found a combination from her wardrobe that worked and would be acceptable. I’m a teacher and certainly do not wear heels. I teach special needs and wear leggings with a skater type dress and flat sketchers that Velcro. I don’t even wear heels to go out. I couldn’t. I drive pas a lot of business centres on my way to work, call centres and even the civil servant massive office. There’s a huge range of clothes worn but I’ve rarely seen girls wearing heels and suits or posh dresses. The only place o tend to see those are travel agencies and airports!! Lots of places provide uniforms - non teaching staff at my school are given polo shirts and fleeces, chemist staff are given clinical dress tops, supermarkets have their polo shirts and gillets or fleeces.

When I was in 6th form it was business attire instead of uniform. Lads were supposed to wear suits but mostly wore shirt and tie with dress pants. Girls wore smart skirts or smart trousers and blouses or dressy tops. I recall wearing long ‘hippy’ skirts with a blouse type top and my DM boots.

School should have definitely gone with uniform or been a bit more relaxed in their non uniform dress code. I suspect it was to prevent girls coming to school looking like they’re off on a night in the town - I’ve seen y6 in my children’s primary school on non uniform days and nothing surprises me as to what parents send their kids in wearing.

Like reservoir dogs said, she missed out on a really good experience for a really superficial reason. Teach kids to be resilient!

You can cover a lot of this stuff abut job interviews with her in your own time so don't worry about it.

Do your research
common interview questions prep
eye contact
grooming / dress etc

Make a point of spending a couple of hours on this and put it behind you. And DO tell the school where they went wrong.

Oh, yes, DO tell the school where they went wrong. That’ll be a marvellous source of enlightenment for them, from the mother who allowed her child to skip the whole thing.
You’ll get a special mention in dispatches for that...