AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

I posted earlier that I think you did the right thing, but can I just say she must go in on Monday. In my experience of school refuses, this is how it can start. Monday she’ll feel awkward because people will ask her where she was on Friday but you need to be strong or everyday she is off, the anxiety builds and it gets even harder to go back.

"In my experience of school refuses, this is how it can start. Monday she’ll feel awkward because people will ask her where she was on Friday but you need to be strong or everyday she is off, the anxiety builds and it gets even harder to go back"

Absolutely. I've been involved with support for school refusers and the longer they stay off, the harder it is to go back. Sometimes they can't face the questions about where they've been. If they start to get social anxiety about it, it's well established that allowing people to avoid an anxiety trigger tends to reinforce the anxiety. That's why allowing people to take time off over something minor can backfire, if it turns out the real issue was not the clothes but anxiety.

It didn't sound like there was any risk of OP's daughter being a school refuser but the general point @mnistooaddictive makes is important I think.

I think YABU. There were plenty of times when I was in school that something similar to this was happening and my mum made me wear uniform because I didn't have any other appropriate attire and just like you, we had no money to spare. I was insecure about going in school uniform when the majority of people would be in the attire they were asked to wear, but I had to suck it up because sometimes life doesn't accommodate to what you can and can't afford.
The heels thing is ridiculous though.

The best thing you can teach your kids is that you will always have their back.

Yep.

That said, yes, Monday attendance is a must. And tbh I'd be tempted to say something about the heels suggestion.

Sorry I think you were U to keep her off, as she would have benefitted greatly from careers training and interview practice. What will you do when she has a work experience placement and needs to wear smart clothes?
You can pick up a tailored dress in Primark, a charity shop or order from EBay. She can wear it with her school shoes and a normal cardigan. Failing that ask a friend or relative if she can borrow something.
How much notice did the school give? That would be my only issue, if they hadn't given parents enough time to organise an outfit.

Take her to a careers fayre at a college, she can wear whatever she wants to that. By telling them to come in business attire, it takes the focus off the day anyway. They should have just left them all in school uniform. A teenagers idea of business-wear isn't likely to be accurate anyway and it turns it into a fashion parade!

She was off one day. One day. It's not a catastrophe unless it's made to be one. Why are people saying she won't want to go in on Monday?

She was off one day when something was offered that won’t be offered again.

I'm on the fence on this one. I think the school massively dropped the ball in turning this into a fashion parade and I do remember not having anything "business dress" like to wear for university interviews and feeling awkward but, ultimately, I wore the closest thing I had, got into uni and ultimately became really good friends with all the "poshos in suits" that I had perceived. I think I'd have ignored the "everyone else has got something new" and borrowed a top from somewhere for her to wear with school skirt. That said, it's done now and I really don't think a day off school is the end of the world. It's the reason (extreme anxiety about going in) that makes me more concerned than the absence itself, iyswim. On the other hand I remember my dad letting me miss sports day for a similar reason and it hasn't done me any harm in the long run - I don't think i'd be more sporty now if he'd made me face it.

Yes, but it's done now.

I think maybe the thing now is not to make too big a deal about it. She stayed home and did her own thing with you that day. Don't overthink it.
Her life isn't going to be ruined by her lack of business attire.

Feeling triggered! I developed my first and hopefully only bunion last week. I say developed - more like my foot went through childbirth. It was so painful but I couldn't stop and take my heels off because I was walking someone to their conference room. And there were two arsehole male execs in their comfortable flat shoes leaning over a railing laughing about me because I was doing almost a forward moonwalk kind of thing to keep going...

I started wearing heels at around 15. Now they've fucked me over for the last time, and my workplace will have to adapt to me wearing loafers or some kind of supportive flat shoe, I'm going shopping shortly while my shops are quiet. I know some women are heels die-hards, but young women really should be warned about the damage they will do to our feet. They certainly should not be mandatory.

My sons school did the same. He went in modified school uniform (ie no blazer, different tie). I wasn’t going to buy him special clothes either. Schools sadly tend to forget we don’t all have Richard Branson’s fortune.

Shame to miss out, there will be other times too, its life. I think a cheap modification could have been worn or accept that uniform is needed. My DC did this recently and just changed one item to be less uniform looking. Of the year a friend blagged it in uniform, another pretended they had forgotten. A wise friend always says we shouldnt all go along with these things as it makes it the norm. Speak out when the letter first comes, say no to excessive homework, dont scrimp and save to buy the authors book etc.

kokoandallball I too have recently developed a bunion from years and years of wearing smart office heels. No-one had ever told me the risks of wearing heels could be this! I have told my girls to never wear heels for work..only for a night out. Because bunions are the most painful thing I've ever known and I've given birth...twice!!

Although your daughter may be lacking in clothes, having a Mum who respects her, understands her and has proven to have her back is a million times more important

I’m sorry this is bizarre- there isn’t one smartish top in the house that could have been worn with school trousers or skirt and school shoes? All it meant was ‘something you could wear to an interview’- I remember his day and I did buy a skirt and blouse, and hen wore them almost immediately to get a Saturday job and for many years after- it was just a black pencil skirt so hardly goes out of fashion. Bit odd to keep her off.

Heels. FFS. Seriously?? I've pretty senior in a large organisation and I have never once every worn bloody heels. I also don't wear suits because I don't see why I should emulate male clothing. I wear smart clothes, but they bright and colourful trousers, tops and dresses. Sometimes jeans if I haven't got any meetings. No one gives a shit as long as I'm good at my job - which I am - and I feel the same re my staff.

I think you should have sent her in. But I do understand why you kept her off. It's one of those judgement calls in parenting where either result is going to cause an issue so you have to just go with your gut.
The school need a serious talking to though. 15 year old girls should not be pushed into wearing high heels.

In no way does keeping her off constitute "having her back". The op has been clear there are no bullying issues or other mental health issues requiring a different approach.

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen i'm also in senior management of a big company. never wear heals or suits. to be honest, pretty much all the women who got promoted overcrhe last 10 years or so don't wear heels or suits. School needs a serious talking to, even a fairly conservative central london company like mine does not expect women to wreck themselves (but does expect them to be able to run if necessary or crawl under a desk to fix stuff)

YNBU. Also, the whole suits and skirts and heels thing! I work in the NGO sector in fairly managerial jobs - none of us wear anything like this. Not even for interviews. Even the civil servants and CEOs I meet don't wear ties/heels and are often in chinos or smart jeans or simple dresses and cardigans. I've never worn heels to an interview! Not all jobs require this kind of outfit. At one large organisation I worked in we even specified in job adverts that clean and tidy was expected, but there was no need for candidates to weat suits, ties or jackets. Seems so old fashioned.

I might have missed the bit where it said she couldn't go in school trousers and tshirt, maybe blazer to smarten it up, hair up in a smart style rather than out loose etc. Anything smart would have been fine, surely? Or phone a friend the night before and ask if they can bring a blouse/shirt/appropriate top along in the morning?

Also, OP, just read your later post. You sound like an amzing mum. She's lucky to have you. Brought tears to my eyes that you had her back when she was upset and you manged to talk it through with her. Well done you. Sounds like you have a great relationship.

Heels were not being pushed on the girls . Or even advised? Just allowed. Totally mystified that the way this thing played out is deemed to be “having your child’s back”.

Refer the school to the Nicola Thorp case, the petition which was debated, report of the parliamentary select committees and the new ACAS guidance. A requirement to wear heels is directly discriminatory and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Business wear for a 15 year old with less than a weeks notice is stupid. You were right to keep her off. Too bloody hot for a suit anyway!