My husband refuses to do anything to help me

[Gee91]

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

Ltb. I'm not even joking. He has no respect for you, you're just an unpaid skivvy to him

Stop getting his drinks. Stop doing things for him. And start thinking hard about whether you want to continue to have a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to like you or care for you very much.

And yes, this is absolutely grounds for a divorce. He disrespects you. Nobody should have to live with someone who treats them like an unpaid, despised servant.

Love you’re better than this. There is no way this ends well. Don’t mistake money for security. There is men who’ll use money to keep you. Ask yourself honestly. How much money do you need to sell your life?

The thing is I do love him (I’m not sure why at times) and if I’m honest I’m scared I’ve not been on my own before especially with the girls who absolutely adore him, it’s not the money side of things that worry me it’s everything else 😩

Oh darling that sounds awful. It's hard to leave but that sounds so dreadful I can't help but to say LTB

He's disrespectful, lazy, critical and can't even make his own drinks? What, exactly, are you getting out of this?

Your daughters are growing up watching their mother be despised and put down by their father. Would you be happy if their future partners treated them like this? Because that's what they are learning right now. That women are meant to serve men and their contribution is worthless and not enough.

You are your childrens role model and this is their 'normal'.

I'd keep that in mind whilst you are deciding what, if anything, you do about this situation. They are learning from you every day and will take this into their own future relationships.

What happens when you're working? Does he just sit there hoping a drink will magically appear?

Maybe you'd have more confidence in yourself if you didn't have someone constantly criticising you.

OMG! This reads like a 1950’a housewife agony aunt dilemma! “I must do so much for my husband- I clean, cook and take care of the home - get his evening drinks and slippers ready! But it’s not enough - he says I’m lazy in as many words and he’s right isn’t he ? I must please him, do better with housekeeping and make him see I am a good servant”

Please please get some self respect woman! This is 2018! Give him a set list of household chores you expect him to do every night and weekend to make the balance better and say “do your fair share or ekse” Or do nothing for a month for him and see how he likes living in his own filth, no meals, no washing done - or carry on as you are; a used dogsbody drudge. Simples! Your choice! Me- I have a chore list for kids and DH so I feel respected and everyone does their bit. Get yourself sorted out ! Be determined . Don’t let this man treat you like a dish rag. Good luck

Sorry- that should be flowers 💐 not a silly grin.. damn phone.

Stop doing everything for him. Perhaps then he will really notice all of the things you have been doing.

As for cleanliness of the house - if it’s not up to his standard why doesn’t he help you by arranging for a cleaner to come and help out where he can’t.

Working four nights a week is a lot. He sounds very disrespectful and unreasonable in his expectations of you.

Perhaps you should show him some responses in this thread... then he might take note of how horrible he is being.

Trust me I’ve tried to tell him everything he should be doing but he just doesn’t see it like that. I’ve tried going on strike but It just won’t get done and I refuse to let my kids and myself live like that, yes I am questioning if I’m right. I’ve had years of being told I’m being lazy or no good at cleaning and he does work hard all day. I have thought about leaving many times but it’s not something I can take lightly going through what will definitely be a messy divorce, I love him, I love his family and we have built a life together. Is leaving really my only option?

And I only suggest getting a cleaner because a) keeping the home clean is NOT your responsibility alone b) if you both work a lot then getting additional help will ease the burden from you substantially and c) I find it hard to imagine your husband will actually do any cleaning himself but maybe if he starts paying for it he will appreciate the value in it more

X-post

Seeing your last response I think the problem is much greater than his not helping.

He fundamentally doesn’t respect or appreciate you. You deserve to be happy... i really would consider more serious steps in either working through these issues (e.g. counseling) or think about separation

It doesn't sound like you've built a life together. It does very much sound like he's got it all how he wants it and eroded you're self-worth in the process.

I understand separating will feel like a huge step. But you and your DD's deserve way better, which I think you know.

Just because he works hard and long hours doesn't mean he shouldn't clean up after himself or pitch in with some of the house work. It's reasonable that you shouldn't have to do everything. It's unreasonable that he refuses to lift a finger to do his fair share. Some men can be extremely stubborn. Try to get through to him that you need him to clean up after himself and to help out around the house or he needs to pay for a cleaner to do his share of the housework every week. If he continues to refuse then what choices do you have? Continue as you were and put up with being treated as if you are inconsequential by your own dh, hire a cleaner out of your own part time income (leaving yourself with less income then you really should) or LTB. Maybe if he sees that you are prepared to leave him that might be enough for him to adjust his attitude and make an effort. Or maybe he won't and you'll find out exactly how much he values you. If you are going to warn him that you are prepared to leave him then you have to be prepared to follow through and leave him. Otherwise you will set a president that you don't mean what you say.

What other option is there if he's not going to change? Would knowing that you will walk away make a difference to his behaviour? I think you need to let him know that things can't carry on as they are because of how it makes you feel.

You could carry on doing everything BUT he needs to stop thinking/complaining it's not enough

You could tell him you will carry on cooking and cleaning during the day BUT you need him to wash up and sort himself out when he's home AND stop complaining

Ultimately if he's not willing to change you will end up feeling worse and worse...

Looking at your marriage materially, if love weren't important, who would be the worse off if you split up? He would, of course, because no matter how many hours he works he would still have to cook, wash his dishes and his clothes, clean the house, etc. while you would have much less work.

An interesting to contemplate but probably not a realistic idea would be to turn it around and moan back at him - every time he says something critical about the house complain that he isn't earning enough and you have to go out and earn money to make up the shortfall. This could backfire horribly though, so be prepared to backtrack quickly if you try it.

Seriously I think you need counseling. You need to come to a mutually acceptable agreement on the division of labour in your household and you need him to acknowledge and accept that housework is not something that magically happens. This may mean compromise on your part too (getting a different sort of job and/or working longer hours, for instance). Don't sell your earning potential short when you think about how you want things to be in the future - you sound like you're probably in a pretty vulnerable position.

Also, I don't think leaving is necessarily your only option. But if it's not on the table, since you've already tried just asking him, your chances of seeing any real change sound like they're slim to none. You have to leverage the power you have as he is leveraging the power he has.

What about sitting down with him for a serious talk and explaining how you feel. Tell him specifically. If he loves you the way he should, he should feel terrible for how you feel and want to change things.
If he doesn't care or even try to change anything, well, that should tell you how much he cares for you.
What does he value more... Your well-being of having a live-in housekeeper/cook,/nanny.
Leaving a bad relationship is really hard. But it's so worth it when it's done and you can be you again.