My husband refuses to do anything to help me

[Gee91]

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

I wouldn't put up with one comment like that. I would have stopped doing anything and asked him to fund and pay for cleaner that will work to his standards

The thing is OP, it’s unlikely to get any better.
You said that even when he wasn’t working, he did very little around the house. Even when you start working full time , he will still expect you to do everything. He will simply tell you that you finish work at 2pm so you have more time than him.
He leaves for work at 6am, so you will still be doing the lion’s share of the work; getting the kids ready for school , homework , bedtimes , cooking and cleaning.
He won’t change , because he doesn’t have to change.
One of my aunts used to work full time , her dh didn’t work . Despite this, he wouldn’t do anything around the house and would expect her to cook for him when she came back from work. Even when she had a cancer scare , he still expected her to do everything. She eventually left him last year after forty years of marriage.

Marriage and living together is a partnership and you don't have a partner ? I know lots of clever, strong intelligent women that put up with men like this. My house is a mess but my husband and I both take responsibility for House work and the children.

OMG, it’s like ready something from the 1950’s when the little woman was expected to do everything in the home. Those days are long gone. Marriage and running a home is a partnership.

Isn't up to his standard?!?! Who the fuck does he think he is....

Do nothing for him from now on. He needs to snap the fuck out of this mindset. If he wants a perfect home he pays a professional cleaner... Or does it himself... You work just as hard. Time for the princess to put down his tiara and snap on the rubber gloves

Go on strike. Buy takeaways. Cook only for DC. Wash only your own and DC's clothes. Don't make beds. Don't clean bathrooms. Don't wash up.

Also agree with this. It's the only way this type of man listens.

And if he leaves you, then you know why he was with you.

OP, your situation sounds horrible, and as you can see from the comments, its not the norm (anymore). It's easy for us to sit on the other end of our phones and say LTB. If you're not willing to entertain that thought - yet - I suggest trying to get him to see things from your point of view. Show him this thread. Go to marriage counselling and bring up his attitude as the main reason why. The way he treats you is not right and it won't change unless he sees things differently, either by you leaving or by forced to see other people's opinions on his behaviour. Good luck

I think it's possible to retrain him if you're up for putting in the effort. When I did this with an ex I'd wait til we were finishing dinner then say "Right, do you want to do the dishes or bath DD?" Clearly neither are big jobs and the way the question was phrased made it difficult for him to say he wouldn't do either.

Alternatively if you're happy with the way things are, just want him to cut the attitude re it not being spotless have a frank talk. Also point out that your PT job is (probably) over half the hours he wirks, so please understand that logically there should be a 60-40 split in the household jobs

Just think how much better off you will be if he was to leave.

You already know you can afford your bills as you pay them now. If you can up your hours now that would be good. But you would also be entitled to 16% of his gross weekly salary.

And you will have more free time as you won't be running around after this manchild.

I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where I am not considered equal.

He has no respect for you. You are his chef, cleaner, childcare, and shag.

Raise your DC to believe in equality, raise them with an example of a healthy relationship. If not your DC will believe that every woman's role is what yours currently is

So you do:

ALL childcare
ALL cooking
ALL cleaning
ALL dog walking
ALL tidying
ALL washing
ALL food shopping?
Skivvy for him in the evenings by bringing him drinks etc
AND work 4 nights a week.

He works from what, 7am -5pm; 5 days a week? The same as millions of other people, but your insisting he works long days and works hard (don’t they all), and your questioning if this is fair?

I work the same kind of hours, I still manage to make my own dinner and get my own drinks. For fuck sake, why did he have kids if he didn’t want the work of being a parent? Just stop acting like his bloody slave, get some self respect woman! I would honestly leave him, but if you’re not going to do that, then at least see yourself as his equal and not his little hand maiden.

My husband came home last night after his Summer Party. It was late, and he had a long day as he left early for work.
I felt bad about just getting up to shut the bedroom door because he was making a bit of a noise. The noise: whilst he was making himself pasta - he emptied the dishwasher.

This is not normal OP and it sounds as though you’ve arrived at a point ready to start change - whatever it is

OP this isn’t right. You’re spending your best years slaving after him. You’ll be more than fine on your own. You’ll never look back. Go for it before it’s too late and you’re looking back on a wasted youth and middle age.

Sorry you struggle with anxiety. I do too.

Going “on strike” need not affect the DCs - you can still do the stuff stuff for them, and minimise impact on them of DH’s mess by putting it in tubs (for dishes) or baskets/boxes (for clothes). But why are you serving your H, especially when he’s behaving so nastily?

Your relationship situation and doing way more than your fair share in the home will be contributing to the anxiety.

He is very unlikely to change. But he definitely won’t if you carry on as you are now.

Have you discussed your relationship in your (individual) counselling? If not, might be good to do so.

I'm another one who had one of these.

They don't listen. They absolutely believe themselves to be in the right. You go on strike and don't do his washing - all that achieves is that you have about a fortnight's worth of his washing to do all in one go when he flips and threatens you with violence. Don't cook for him? Fine, but in retaliation he will cook himself every single thing in the fridge that you've bought to last a week and he will leave you all the washing up.

They really do believe they are superior and shouldn't have to lift a finger. Leaving is honestly the only thing that makes them wake up (that and finding another woman who doesn't have kids to think about and therefore puts her foot down hard).

OP I agree with others this is not normal. DH works more hours than me. But we both do housework. He actually often cleans more than me. I usually get the meals though although DH does sometimes do this
He definitely gets his own drinks and will get me one to.
Our children are grown up now. But when they were little I was a sahm. Yes a lot of the childcare and stuff fell to me. But we took turns in doing bedtime and getting up with them at weekends

stawberris My friend who is Asian told me this is very common and it's a huge cultural hurdle. It really upset her that she saw many females spend years educating themselves to be able to marry well and then stop working to 'serve their husband and his family'.

Anyway that isn't the case here. The OP has let this continue when she should have addressed it earlier on in their relationship. Regardless, it's never too late for the dynamics of a relationship to change.

I think going to a place like relate is a good starting point. You and him both individually and together need to see someone. It's very difficult to change but it's not impossible.

I would also suggest you focus on finding a couple of hours each week for yourself. My new thing has been getting a pedicure. I also joined a gym with childcare for 4 hours in the morning. I leave the kids with staff and workout or just go to the mediation space (it's a quiet room) they have and chill. You earn your own money and as long as bills are paid for you don't need to ask permission, just tell him you are doing it.

Well begin by not getting his drinks. Just say no. Don't explain, just say no and stick to your guns.

He doesn't do the 'man' jobs around the house either by the sounds of it, and you are still too broke from all his income to hire a cleaner so he's doing a shit job of his jobs too.

I'd be tempted to offer him an ultimatum - that you will leave unless he agrees to counselling and a practical experiment: A complete role reversal in September - get him to reduce his hours to the same as yours are now when you go full time. And swap household roles for a month. He does what you currently do at home now, and you do what he now does. Everything, down the the last cup of tea you scurry after him with. If he's a slob that leaves his dishes lying around for you to pick up, reverse it and do that too, no helping.

A weekend or a week is too short for this trial. You need to leave it long enough that dirt and laundry builds up for him to tackle. And let some minor things subtly slide in the weeks before as well as organising lovely outings for the kids that generally make shite of the house like going to the beach or mudwalks for his spotless floors and messy play like slime

His ego means he will probably be only too delighted to show you how it can be done and how useless you are. So let him at it. Then when he sees for himself how hard it is, he might be open to actually talking about it with you.

Relate counsellors are not always good and may have a “stay together” agenda. Joint counselling isn’t recommended where there is abuse. It’s not clear whether OP’s H is already abusive, but he seems to have the potential to be.

hang on hang on - your wages are for bills and his are for savings?

please tell me the savings account is a joint account.

@Want2bSupermum

stawberris My friend who is Asian told me this is very common and it's a huge cultural hurdle.

Just because your Asian friend has a lazy shit for a DH doesn't mean every woman who posts about her lazy shit husband is Asian!

I get that you might be well intentioned here but this is offensive to Asians. Reading MN, it's clear that husbands from any culture can be lazy shits.

Was this discussed before you moved in together? I can’t understand why anyone would allow themselves to get into this position.

Shum I asked because what the OP describes is the household my friend grew up in and it was pressed into her from a young age she should 'aspire' for the same.

I think it's much harder when your family thinks you should be serving a secondary role and be subservant to your DH. It doesn't sound like this is the case for the Op. I also think it's harder for men who grow up in a home where their mother and sisters are being told they will serve their DHs. Those men aren't lazy but conditioned to think it's normal. It's a different issue and handled differently to someone like the Ops DH who does indeed sound very lazy.

You say you can't afford a cleaner, but your wages pay the bills and his is to put away to save and for other living expenses. So it sounds like actually, you do more money, you're just prioritizing saving at the moment?

Given the way you tallk about your anxiety and self-esteem, it might be worth you stopping the saving and paying for a cleaner for a while to help you get your self-esteem back, so it doesn't feel like you are doing it all. But if you do that, don't stop there because you aren't fixing the problem, you're just covering up one of the symptoms to give yourself space. His attitude towards you is horrendous and it's a bad environment for your kids to live in. Get some self-esteem back so you can tackle the unequal relationship you have and start putting yourself on an equal footing with others.