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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband refuses to do anything to help me

135 replies

Gee91 · 06/07/2018 01:06

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Gee91 · 06/07/2018 08:02

Honestly I don’t know why I go along with it or have done for so long, For a while I thought it was normal and when I wasn’t working I thought it was fair. Unfortunately I am a pleaser, I do what makes others happy and always have done. I have had counselling as I also have anxiety which all added together dose not help my situation very much. My expectations are low at the moment because I don’t expect to see huge changes immediately as people don’t change overnight and sometimes not at all. I mainly started this thread because I wanted to see if it was me being silly and honestly by everyone’s reaction I can see I’m not. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore and I know we can’t live this way forever

OP posts:
StopPOP · 06/07/2018 08:02

He has zero respect for you. Is that ok?

Discotits · 06/07/2018 08:04

I bet he’s the sort to ‘work late’ in order to shirk helping with the children.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/07/2018 08:08

I have a sneaking suspicion that whatever you do, it will never be enough for this selfish caveman.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/07/2018 08:13

Urgh, you sound so grateful, you remind me of me about 10 years ago, hanging desperately onto shreds of good behaviour from my XH desperate to prove he cares.

Granted we didn’t have children but we tried counselling and he reverted to type within a fortnight of the six weeks of sessions ending.

I left him and it was the most liberating thing ever, even though I loved him, my life isn’t his to fritter away because of his laziness.

Think carefully. What would life be like as a single parent of two children if you worked FT or nearly FT (say 30h/week).
What support from family/friends could you draw on?
Do you know childminders?
Do you know any other SPs?
What support could their school give you? You could also enquire at your local Children’s/Sure Start Centre.

Only when you can see what independence and control over your own world looks like you’ll be able to gauge whether this is love or co-dependency. And you can then act in an informed way.

GabriellaMontez · 06/07/2018 08:13

So you have a good relationship generally..? As long as you do everything and he doesn't lift a finger. And he still tells you you aren't good enough.

Do you have a joint account?

GabriellaMontez · 06/07/2018 08:16

Are your savings available to you? Could you access them? Could he hide them? Are they in his name?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 06/07/2018 08:16

my life isn’t his to fritter away because of his laziness.

Read and re-read this OP ^

Original poster
Gee91 · 06/07/2018 08:18

Yep we have a joint account, yes I’m sure it would be perfect for him if I just did it all without a single thought or moan. In the past I have and we didn’t really argue, he has a good and bad side. He does have a temper and is very quick to snap or judge so it’s hard to say if we have a good relationship in general. I suppose the answer is no. But if I was to never argue back he would see it that way

OP posts:
FelicityFelicitas · 06/07/2018 08:20

The big concern for me is not that you are doing all the housework (for some couples that works) - it’s that he refuses to discuss this with you and puts you down. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship and it appears your husband does not respect you at all.

Did the counselling help you understand more about your role? It’s like if you are good enough and keep being a good girl eventually he will appreciate you. I find it heart-breaking to think of you bringing him drinks all evening while he criticises you for not doing enough. I would be very worried about what you are modellling for your children. How would you feel if they ended up in the same type of relationship?

It is no surprise you have anxiety when you are in such a difficult relationship with a man who does not value you and puts you down.

Strongmummy · 06/07/2018 08:25

He sounds pretty obnoxious and unwilling to change. Please read some books on self worth. Then make a decision as to whether he adds any really value to your life.

chilly32045 · 06/07/2018 08:26

I think people are over reacting slightly here. Yes it's annoying, yes it's not ideal.

I would just say if you want the house to be tidier then i will quit my job in order to do this? And see what he says then. He needs to realize that you can't do everything.

It's good that he's not controlling over money. He probably just comes in in the evening after a stressful day and thinks it's messier than it is because he's stressed.

But i would gradually stop doing things like making drinks for him etc.

midnightmisssuki · 06/07/2018 08:28

My mums like you. It’s awful. My dad just sit, complains, moans. Still doing it now. Wish she had left him.

Juells · 06/07/2018 08:30

Go on strike. Buy takeaways. Cook only for DC. Wash only your own and DC's clothes. Don't make beds. Don't clean bathrooms. Don't wash up.

Maelstrop · 06/07/2018 08:41

Go on strike. Buy takeaways. Cook only for DC. Wash only your own and DC's clothes. Don't make beds. Don't clean bathrooms. Don't wash up.

Absolutely this. And when he whinges, tell him you are not his fucking slave.

pictish · 06/07/2018 08:47

He’s fundamentally self-serving with a skewed perspective of what your roles are. I don’t think there’s anything you can do with that unfortunately. Either spend the rest of your life as his housekeeper and servant or leave him.
I wouldn’t find a man like yours at all attractive or suitable as I have better and more interesting things to do than scurry about for a caveman. To each their own though and if that’s your choice that’s up to you. He won’t change...only you can change what you’re prepared to live like.
Remember your kids are watching this...they are watching dad berate mum for noir being good enough at skivvying.
Your choice.

pictish · 06/07/2018 08:52

P.s let me reiterate what other people have said...it wouldn’t be ‘helping you’ - it would be behaving as an adult should, taking responsibility and pulling his weight. I couldn’t have any respect for your husband. I don’t care if he works hard. So do I. He’s useless.

Cheerbear23 · 06/07/2018 08:54

Start off today, just ask him ‘what housework are you doing today?’ See what he says and take it from there.

Juells · 06/07/2018 08:54

Just before my marriage ended I went away for two weeks to clear my head and decide what I wanted to do. Both DC were in school. My MiL came to stay to help him. When I got back he did admit that he had no idea looking after a house and children was so time-consuming and difficult.

RedPony1 · 06/07/2018 08:54

All the people saying LTB is too harsh because it's not that bad and children need a stable family etc etc, what are you on??

Staying with him just shows the children that being a wife = being a slave. Making a confident split from him shows that their mother is strong and will not be used just to keep a man happy.

I wish my mum had divorced my dad when we were children rather than us seeing her do everything for him for little thanks.

Oysterbabe · 06/07/2018 08:55

It makes me think of this advert.

postcardsfrom · 06/07/2018 08:59

My DP works full-time, long hours but still manages to do 50% of everything when she's at home. Helps get kids ready for school, or sets up brekkie when she has to leave early, makes sure she's home for bedtime at least twice a week, puts kids to bed/does bath. When one of us cooks the other clears up after. On weekends we both tidy/clean/run kids to activities etc. I do more in general cos I work 8-6, 3 days a week but she'd be taking her life in her hands if she complained about the house etc.! Sometimes she does moan about the house but usually gets on with tidying or whatever it is that's bothering her and gets the kids to pick up after themselves.

You aren't in a partnership. First off I would STOP running around after him, then I'd be looking at what he can help with - laundry for example, tidying, helping with kids more.
You are your DC's role model in this - as is he. Our kids have their own chores to do too. They're little, so it's clothes in the hamper, set and clear table, tidy their toys level but they're learning that in a family everyone does something to help.
I'd sit him down to talk about this - you work too so it's not as if you've got loads of free time - sounds like you;re working full-time all the time one way or another.
You don't have to put up with this.

cees · 06/07/2018 09:05

I don't know how you put up with this shit. Trust me when I tell you that showing your children to value and contribute equally to family life would be far healthier for them then watching you being ground down by criticism from a lazy pig.

postcardsfrom · 06/07/2018 09:05

I have a friend who's DH really wasn't pulling his weight, though he wasn't quite a useless as yours seems to be. She had a good think about it and realised that she was doing pretty much everything anyway so being a single parent wasn't going to be that much of a practical change for her. She left him, he was shocked/gutted but she's like a new woman. She's doing fantastically well, they sorted out finances ok, she still works, kids see their dad a lot still and she doesn't have to deal with his laziness and constant put downs. Plus every other weekend she gets to herself.
It's a big decision splitting up but it doesn't have to be all bad...

DistanceCall · 06/07/2018 09:22

I’ve tried going on strike but It just won’t get done and I refuse to let my kids and myself live like that, yes I am questioning if I’m right.

Take care of your children and yourself. But don't do anything beyond that. Stop the fucking drinks!