My husband refuses to do anything to help me

[Gee91]

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

I wonder if there’s something in your mindset on this one - he’s not helping you by taking some responsibility for running the house, it’s his home too and he has equal responsibility for its upkeep.

I’d do what you need to for the kids and reasonably include him eg if you’re making a meal, make enough for everyone. I’d not be doing his laundry, cleaning up after him, making him drinks etc unless it suited you (ie I’m putting a load on anyway). I’d also be leaving him to care for the kids at the weekend/his days off.

He can moan and complain but if he doesn’t think the house is to his standard he can either pitch in or piss off. You’re both working, and you’re going to work having cared for the kids all day, depending on their ages I’m guessing he doesn’t have much to do with them while you’re at work?

Really try to stop thinking if it as him helping you - he needs to pull his weight and frankly working outside the house isn’t enough. Your other option is to pay for a cleaner to keep things up to his standard but that should come out of household expenses, not your own spending money.

I’ve not slept all night my head is spinning,
Nope I’m not Asian and neither is he. I can’t afford a cleaner unfortunately but that would be lovely! Yes our children are young but by the time I leave for work they are fed and ready for bed so he just has to tell them when to get in. I’m just so frustrated I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall whenever we talk about it, he either completely shrugs it off or it ends in an argument with nothing sorted. I will be working full time from September so things will definitely need to change by then or I won’t be able to cope with it all. I’m just completely fed up to be honest I know it’s not right and I would love for us to go to counciling but he wouldn’t. I am starting to think maby if I leave he will either see it as a reason to change or he will act like a child and truly show me that maby leaving was the best thing but I never imagined myself getting divorced and it’s scary especially because I’ve never really known adult life without him

Your husband is totally disrespectful of you and completely taking you for granted. What does he actually bring to your marriage? What benefit does he bring to you and your family? You need to sit him down, tell him it isn’t working for you and why, then give him the chance to improve or else he’s out. You sound like you’re totally alone on your marriage anyway as he doesn’t appear to contribute anything other than work and stress. Life’s far too short to waste on someone that behaves so selfishly.

It must be scary to think of life without him but you wouldn't have any of this criticism and you'd be able to run the house exactly as you see fit. Really think about whether you practically can leave him.

The ladies here are right stop doing things for him. The easiest is the washing and ironing for him. Get him his own washing basket, about £10 max and leave it by his side of the bed. Make a point of just chucking his bits into it, so he sees it mounting up and his avaliable clothing going down.
Next get a plastic box, with a lid and chuck anything that is his round the house In the box, tell him he needs to put anything in the box away.
Stop making him drinks, as your not home 4 nights a week, if he asks for one say oh can you do it, and make me one too.
Leave the washing up on the table for him. And only do it when you get up in the morning, then send him a text EVERYTIME next day as you wash up saying it's a shame he didn't find time to do it and what was he doing that kept him so busy the night before that it wasn't done, and that he really must try harder as he standards of cleaning are very below par.

What’s he like about money? Do you have joint access to it?

What kind of hours will you work from September, who will do childcare?

September isn't far away so you need to talk to him again. Say to him that you'll both be working full time so chores will need to be split 50/50 and that you need to agree who does what. In most relationships you don't need defined chores for each person, as both just do what needs to be done at the time, but that isn't going to work for you, he won't do anything. Does he want laundry or washing up?

I'm on maternity leave and in this house neither of us sit down and relax until the kids are in bed. I'll cook while he plays with the kids then he'll bath them while I clean up then we take one each and try and get them to sleep. Oh and we probably make an equal numbers of drinks. I can't imagine being in a marriage with someone who won't even make me a cup of tea.

What is the worst fear- living without him ( worst case scenario) or providing such a destructive role model for your girls?

Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal?
How would you feel if they ended up in this situation when they are older?

Because that will be where things end up if you are not brave enough to change.
If you can't do it for yourself- then do it for them.

Surprised so many are suggesting to leave. Having a stable family is also important for kids! It’s an extreme bit of advice given how little we know about the situation!

OP has he always been like this or has it got worse? How old are your kids? How do you feel about going to work? Do you want or need to? Does DH have an opinion on that? You said you got on with his family, could there be some support from them that you could both ask for as you try to work on your marriage and as you transition to working ft?

It's easy for the kids to 'adore' daddy when all he has to do mid week is tuck them in.

Kids in care often still 'adore' the parents who have neglected them. Does this mean that no one should intervene and protect them? your kids aren't neglected but you get my meaning.

Why do you love someone who makes you feel inadequate just so you'll supply them with a steady stream of washed clothes and hot drinks? What is loveable about him? Maybe I have a very strong sense of self preservation but if someone treats me badly I stop loving them.

What was his role model growing up? Did his mum act like he is expecting you to? What was his childhood home like?

What are his specific complaints? Can you break it down? Does he think it's dirty, or beds not changed, meals not made, what? What is causing the arguments? What do you mean not up to his standards?

Clearly right now it's an unacceptable balance, but can you be clearer on the specific issues that's causing the arguments?

You say you love his family. What's his parents relationship like?

What is his background like? Is/was his mother the type of person who would do absolutely everything around the home?

My friend had something similar she had 5 children and the house always looked great, considering the mess 5 kids make. Her husband never did anything to help but would complain about things not being perfect. After they broke up someone asked her if it was difficult on her own, she honestly replied there was hardly any difference as she did everything before anyway.

You are stronger than you think and you can make it without this guy who doesn't respect you or appreciate you.

You can go to counselling alone. It could be helpful.
Make a list or timetable of all the jobs, ask him to help you prioritise, with a view to increasing your work hours? Then share or split the ones that can't fit in to your time or decide they can't be done. No ironing in our house, not much window cleaning etc.
I was ill for a while and things got fairly bad as dp waited for me to get better, it took longer than expected, eventually the penny dropped and it seems he can do things after all!
Get a dishwasher, can he afford a cleaner? Does he do repairs, car maintenance, gardening, any traditionally 'mens' jobs or is all his free time his? Where is your free time?

OP, when you say he does nothing round the house - if something was broken would he fix it. Does he mow the lawn or put the rubbish out? Does he ever drive the kids about? Anything? Or does he literally just sit in a chair?

I’m not justifying his behaviour at all, just wondering about his perspective. Some men do two or three set tasks and think that’s loads.

FWIW, I do all the cooking in this house. DH would make himself a cup of tea, that’s about it. I probably sound like a martyr when I say I get up early and take him a coffee in bed, make and serve breakfast for everyone, never ask him to do cleaning, load the dishwasher, sort all laundry, etc. BUT, I don’t work and he does very long hours inc travel. Also I have a cleaner in 3 times a week. If I was working, even part-time, I definitely think things would be different. I can do these things for him because a lot if the pressure is taken off me in other ways and he would hate to think I was scrubbing floors and cleaning loos all day.

I would sit your DH down and tell him he can’t have his cake and eat it. If he wants you to act like the do-it-all housewife in 1950s style, then he has to be prepared with the flip-side if that in that you will quit any paid work outside the home and the pressure is in him to get a better-paid job to properly fund his family. Otherwise he can shut up.

When you go to work full time what the hell does he think is going to happen then?

What time does he start work? If he's home in time for you to be at work by 6, it must be very early to equate to long hours.

I work full time and still manage to cook, bath my dcs, read them stories, put washing on, tidy up & wipe down. What's wrong with him that he can't manage any of that? My DH does all of the above too (apart from washing for some reason).

DH works 4 days and for the last few years, it was me working part time & him full time, but we both get on with what needs doing. He was a bit like your DH when the DCs were babies (worst possible time to pick to be an arsehole), but then I started reading mumsnet and explained (repeated a few times) that things would be changing.

If your DH won't make changes, please LTB. You deserve much more respect.

...& we have a cleaner for 2 hours a week, a drop in the ocean, but it really helps!

I think the ship has sailed a bit on this one. But you have a opportunity to start again when you go back to work FT in Sept.

Have you discussed the change with him? Does he agree/acknowledge that he'll need to do half the housework when you go FT?

Wow!

His script is that it's your job. Your responsibility 100% and he's sticking to that and making you feel guilty that you doing the 100% isn't done to a higher standard.

I know one other man who used to do this. My x.

By telling you it's not done to a high enough standard he is training you to try harder to do more not put your foot down and do less.

It is selfish, lazy and manipulative.

I agree that if you decided to stay you need to agree a fifty fifty arrangement on the housework, childcare, dog walking and no more getting him drinks.

You have been reduced to a servant I am sorry op, but getting him drinks all night is just too much. You are not a slave!

Level with him, this changes now and permanently or you are finished with relationship. Don't wait until you are entirely burnt out or chronically ill to do this, as you won't have the energy to see it through, but you do know that is precisely where you will end up if you continue like this.

Stop now. This minute. You need cast iron resolve, he will kick back, sooner or later this will make you very ill. He has no respect for you op, and this will have to change.

At some point over the next month you need to have a conversation about how it is going to work in September. He needs to know that you physically can't do everything, even just getting the dog a decent walk will take at least an hour out of your day.

He therefore has a choice, you either split the tasks equally (and please don't use the phrase can you do such and such 'for me' as that means you take ownership) or you use some of your extra money for a cleaner.

Next time he tries to berate you that the house is not up to standard you tell him how much that hurts you and that you physically don't have time -or inclination- to do any more and he needs to step up, as marriage is a partnership and he is not pulling his weight.

I have the same issue but don't want to split up.

How I've coped I've the years is I stopped doing his washing and I very rarely cook for him (he gets a hot meal at work so only has a sandwich/soup in the evening). I just sold it to him that I eat when the kids eat plus he's a veggie and I cook the kids meat.

Then I ALWAYS give myself one guilt free day a week where I do the bare minimum - kids have school dinners plus m and s ready meal for dinner and I go out somewhere in school hours for me ie swimming, meet a friend, cinema, lunch out etc.

I'd be interested to know what his parents relationship is like. I wonder if they think it should be the same, as my DH can be a bit like this (not as much as yours) and his mum is such a martyr.

To start with different advice from me, but what I try and do is simply ignore it. Just let him get on with it, if he complains just shrug and ignore, to start with and in time he might pitch in more. Also point out things he does which annoy you such as asking for drinks etc. I sometimes ay things like "That's rude" for example as i think they just don't think sometimes. Kind thoughts.

Show him this thread 🙀