My husband refuses to do anything to help me

[Gee91]

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

I'm another that thinks counselling will help you. I would explain it to him. 'You moan about what I do already when there is no justification for it, things are going to change when I work fulltime and I can already tell you won't step up to do more and it makes me miserable to think about it. I don't want to feel miserable and fearful about a positive change in my life, i would like us both to be happy, so I'm going to have counselling.'

I have never been with any partner who didn't find me going to counselling or therapy difficult to accept, and in a way they were right because it always means you are dissatisfied with something. I can only strongly recommend that you are 100% honest about going and the sessions, but the process itself is private and you should not have to share any of it with him.

I'd ask him why he doesn't do any of the cleaning, he'll probably say something about working full time, which gives a start to the conversation about splitting chores when you're back working full time.
Tell him he can take over all the cleaning seeing as he has high standards, and you'll do washing/cooking/washing up. Or pick a split you think is best.

And stop making his drinks!

He's not refusing to help you. He's shirking his own duties and expecting you to take up the slack. Please have it out with him and remember you're in the right.

He is being cruel to you, or as we say these days, abusive. I do understand, only too well, that fear of leaving the marriage because he might (will) turn nasty, you won't be able to cope (ha! your housework will be halved), what will you family/his family say?
But it is cruelty. He is bullying you because he knows he can. You really want this male model for your children as they grow up?
It took me 20 years to summon up the courage to leave my 1st husband, so I understand you quite a lot. You maybe love the security, but you love him? really?

I never agree with 'show him this thread' but you could post another thread trying honestly to see it from his point of view. That's always interesting.

You have put up with this sexist, nasty behaviour for way too long. Do yourself and your DC a favour by tolerating it no more.

Immediately stop doing anything for him. If you don’t want mess to stack up get a tub and put his dirty dishes in there, and a basket for his dirty washing. Cook for yourself and DC only.

His choice to work FT and long hours has payoffs for him personally. It’s not an excuse for him to do fuck all domestic work or parenting and to treat you this way.

Are you 100% sure you (as a family) can’t afford a cleaner? If not and your H refuses to start cleaning suggest you do the cleaning at times least convenient to him.

You could try couple’s counselling, with someone well qualified (eg BACP) - that will likely cost more than a cleaner.

But seems time to get ducks in a row for if/when you leave.

He seems the type to get nasty.

And to seek a new gf very soon after breakup, to do his domestic work for him.

STOP using the word HELP

This implies that all the housework is your responsibility. The minute you ask for help it confirms his stance.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade and both my children are in secondary school. Dh works full time and has just brought me a cup of tea in bed as he does every day.

He was raised by a SAHM but can do all aspects of housework because this isn't the 1950s.

If your Dh is critical why isn't he the one correcting it? Maybe he should just roll up his sleeves and get on with it. I would stop doing his laundry so he does his own.

You're teaching your girls this is what's expected of them. Is this the life you want for them?

Does he have friends? Try suggesting he talks to them about what they do around the home. Unless they're all dinosaurs, I suspect they may not be impressed with how lazy he is.

Ultimately, you are going to have to point out to him that he is in danger of having to look after himself full time and look after the children on access visits if he doesn't join the 21st century.

It’s not that he won’t ‘help’ you, it’s that he won’t do his fair share!
He says he works long hours, so do you - working until 11pm must be hard.
He’s a shirker and he’s taking the piss. Getting his drinks all night, I feel pissed off for you, who does he think you are? His own personal effing waitress??

He needs to start pulling his weight before September or it’s going to be a shock when you go full time.

Ok so there are a few questions reading through so I’ll try my best to answer, yes we have a joint account and equal access, he’s not controlling over money. My wages cover all the bills at end of month and his is to put away to save and for other living expenses. So September I have applied for a few jobs because both kids will be at school full time I will work during school hours possibly change my hours at work to 8-2. He has always been this way, even when he didn’t work a few years back he did not help with housework. When the kids were babies he didn’t do night feeds, barely even flinched if they cried.
He leaves for work 6am or before, like I said he does work hard at work. Occasionally he will take a rubbish bin down on his way. He made me dinner on mother’s day I think? That’s probably the last time and has maby washed up all of 5 times this year. No I do not want my children to grow up thinking this is ok however I also don’t want them to grow up with us separated if that is possible. I have told him a fair few times how rude he is. I don’t mind cooking and making sure dinner is ready after he’s had a long day but all I ask is for that to be returned once in a while and definitely to do more when he has a day off or weekends. Even if he said to me at times go out without the kids and have some alone time that would be nice, flowers are a twice a year occasion at most.
He is romantic when it comes to birthdays, goes all out but I have still spent a fair few birthdays cleaning up and cooking too.
No he doesn’t fix things, unfortunately we don’t have a garden however he will redecorate with my help when it’s needed.

Give him a set list of household chores you expect him to do every night and weekend to make the balance better

No. It's not up to the OP to take ownership of all the household labour and then delegate to the people in the house who have no responsibility for its management i.e. him. That's appropriate for children, not equal partners.

You shouldn't be expecting him to help you OP, that frames it as your responsibility. Household labour is the responsibility of every able-bodied household member.

The way to split it fairly is to ensure that both of you have roughly the same amount of leisure time left over after household chores (the kids should have more anyway as um, they're kids.

That means true leisure time. Commuting isn't leisure. Being on call for childcare isn't true leisure. Taking the kids to the park is not leisure unless you would have gone to the park and stayed near the swings without them.

If your husband feels entitled to more leisure time than you, then you both need to ask yourselves serious questions about why he feels so OK about exploiting your free labour.

I would leave. The problem is that even if he does start to do more/anything, it will be very minimal but it will seem like a lot to him because he's never done anything. You'll end up feeling grateful for scraps. He will never do 50/50, which is what he should be doing.

Unfortunately with this type of man, the only way he will ever lift a finger for his own kids or house is if he's on his own and has them EOW.

STOP using the word HELP

^
This.
Back on the mid 70s I remember having a discussion at work about this. Even the women who thought men should HELP thought I was being too radical when I suggested they should take equal responsibility - and these were women who worked full time. I thought we had moved on but apparently not.

I wouldn't have let things get to this state but you have to do something as it really can't continue when you are working full time. If he doesn't want to do it himself he will have to pay a cleaner /ironing company etc.

Your expectations and wishes seem depressingly low.

You are really content to cook for him every day because he works FT (as do millions of other people! And manage their own domestic work) and only want the odd meal “in return”?! Which of course he doesn’t bother with. Why would he - he didn’t lift a finger before DC, and you stayed and had DC with him. He didn’t parent well, and you stayed and did it all.

You are not doing your DDs any good at all role modelling this.

He sounds really unpleasant. Do you actually like him?

Also, in seeking work, if you restrict yourself to school hours options that will likely limit your earnings in the short and long term. You’d be doing things to your financial detriment in order to keep on doing his share of the parenting and domestic work, ie facilitating him.

Don't set the bar so low, OP. When you go back in Sept, if you expect him to do a bit of cooking and sometimes take the children, then that's all he'll do. You'll be working FT, just like him, so you should be expecting him to do half of the housework and half of the childcare.

It sounds as if he'll probably be starting work earlier than you, but you'll presumably be getting the kids ready in the morning and doing the school run, so that's equivalent. You might be picking the kids up before he gets home, but then looking after them after school and doing their homework with them / getting their dinner / doing bedtimes will keep you busy until he gets home (is it 6ish?). Again, equivalent. So don't let him say "but I work longer hours".

All of the housework and all of the childcare at weekends will need to be split equally. Write a list, divide it into two columns, and that should be your starting point for what you expect him to do.

I suspect OP knows that, presumably because he’s selfish and sexist, he will refuse to do more than he wishes and will be nasty about it.

What a lazy selfish Man!

He wants the glory of a family and wonderful home but refuses to contribute towards maintaining them in the practical sense!

You don’t have to be arfraid of him, can’t you say right from today I am not doing your laundry, food or anything else!

You are not a slave, you are in a partnership but actually you have three kids not two!

What compounds the whole thing is that he criticises you!

Incidentally, when he didn't do any housework a few years back (presumably you were both working FT then?), what was his reasoning? Why on earth did you go along with it?

He doesn’t love you.

LTB

Just imagine how much less you’ll have to do if you didn’t have to serve him?

You’re already excelling in doing it all, if he was given his marching orders, life would actually be easier

As you say money isn’t the issue