My husband refuses to do anything to help me

[Gee91]

So I’m having a dilemma at the moment, not sure if I’m right or not and need advice please. I’ve been with my husband 11 years we have 2 beautiful kids and overall we have mostly been happy. One argument that always pops up is that he doesn’t think I do enough around the house (I do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, Looking after kids, walking the dog etc) but he still moans that the house isn’t up to his standard! Now I work part time and he does work hard full time and sometimes long days and I’m not and never have expected him to go on a cleaning spree when he gets in or even on days off but he doesn’t even wash up after I’ve make dinner and bathed the girls all before work. I work 6pm-11pm 4 days a week. When I say he doesn’t do anything I really mean it, I even get him drinks all night. Yes I’ve probably created a monster by putting up with it for so many years but I’m now at breaking point mostly because he’s so disrespectful about what I do, yes sometimes the house isn’t spotless and there is rarely an empty washing basket but it’s in no way a complete mess! Am I right to think this way? There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he will honestly never believe that I am right so I don’t know what to do? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you

Well OP, it's all very well saying you love him (god knows why, he's a shit man to love, you could do much better) but he doesn't love you! It's blatantly obvious. Someone who loved you, wouldn't treat you like this. So why on earth are you hanging on to this relationship that makes you feel shit?

Surely you don't want this to be your children's rolemodel? To be what they believe is normal and to be expected when they're adults? For your DDs to become slaves to men, for your DS' to be lazy cunts to their wives/girlfriends?

Your husband is not going to change. Telling you to LTB is not overreacting. Time to stand up for yourself, and teach your children that this is not how to live their adult lives. To teach them that relationships should be equal, male or female.

But, until you kick this lazy bastard to the gutter where he belongs, you're reinforcing what your children have learnt until now.

BTW, why are YOU paying all the bills? Do you have access to the savings? If not, why not?

He sounds like a dick. I feel very sorry for you.

I'd draw up a chart of everything that needs to be done over a full 7-day week, with a guide of roughly how long each task takes. Don't forget about stuff with the kids, eg bathing, getting up, supervising tooth brushing etc, walking the dog, and everything to do with feeding the family and clearing up afterwards.

Then explain that as you'll be working FT from September, you need to sit down and discuss which jobs each of you will be doing from then on. Make it clear that it should be 50:50, and suggest that he might prefer to do those jobs that you can't do to his exacting standards, thus ensuring that they are done to his satisfaction.

If he isn't happy with doing 50%, then a cleaner is the obvious answer.

"hang on hang on - your wages are for bills and his are for savings?

please tell me the savings account is a joint account."

I thought exactly the same Rosy - Do you have access to this "family savings account", and what would be the reaction if you actually SPENT any of it?

*hang on hang on - your wages are for bills and his are for savings?

please tell me the savings account is a joint acc*

Yes this ^^ exactly, if it’s not it’s worse than I thought.

When you go back to work FT, use some of the extra money for a cleaner once a fortnight. He doesn't get a say in it. You can explain that now you're both working FT, you're choosing to spend some of your new income to cover your half of the housework.

He can choose to pay someone to do the alternate weeks (and therefore cover his half), although he probably won't bother. But at least then if he complains that the house is a state in the 'off-week', you get to shrug and ask him what he's going to do about it :)

My expectations are low at the moment because I don’t expect to see huge changes immediately as people don’t change overnight and sometimes not at all

People who do want to change, don't change at all. It's hard enough when you do want to change.

I think you have two options:

1. Get back into your 1950s bubble and stop expecting him to pull his weight or appreciate you. But be prepared to see your dds model their married lives on you.

2. Separate.

I'd draw up a chart of everything that needs to be done over a full 7-day week, with a guide of roughly how long each task takes. Don't forget about stuff with the kids, eg bathing, getting up, supervising tooth brushing etc, walking the dog, and everything to do with feeding the family and clearing up afterwards.

Nope. That is just more wife work. Op should not have to think of or explain what needs to be done. He's a grown man.

First of all remove ‘help me’ from your thinking. None of this shit is just your responsibility, it’s a joint thing and the sooner you start thinking that way, the better.

He won’t change whilst he’s getting away with being a lazy twat. Withdraw half of what you do and leave him to it. You have to stick to your guns, otherwise he will walk all over you. Be strong and go for it. 💐

Have you tried counselling?