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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

children meeting house guests

186 replies

dottypotter · 05/07/2018 16:09

Is it me or is it bad manners if you visit someone for an evening and their kids dont come out of their bedrooms to say hello.

when i was younger if my parents had their friends round we went and said hello if only for a few minutes.

I have a friend who if she has an evening do or something the kids dont appear they are in their rooms!

OP posts:

FeeEngel · 06/07/2018 18:24

Older poster here, but after about the age of 7 or so, we were always expected to be around to meet visitors and stick around for about 30 minutes of chat/socialising etc. before saying goodnight.
How else do you expect children to learn how to handle social situations?
I think by the time we were teens, it was OK if we were there to say hallo when guests arrived, but then disappeared. Mid to late teens and we were part of the party, as it were. I definitely remember doing a lot of the cooking for dinner parties as well as handing round drinks and nibbles at cocktail parties.
Before the age of 7 we were all firmly in bed and expected to stay there!

lifeisabeachsometimes · 06/07/2018 18:33

Depends on age, but no mostly is the answer. If my older children were awake and walking past I would absolutely expect them to be polite and greet our guests and ask them how they are etc.

If they were in their room asleep/resting/chilling then no of course not.

You are not the Queen you know op!

You sound like hard work as a house guest op...if I am honest all these expectations can kill the goodwill stone dead.

chipsandgin · 06/07/2018 18:40

I'm amazed at the amount of no's in these responses - I would always expect my kids to come and say hello (obviously not if they are already in bed, that would be the exception) - it's just basic good manners. They don't have to stick around, just say hello, say how are you and engage/show and interest/make eye contact/be polite/chat for a minute.

No wonder there are so many socially inept adults if this isn't a thing any more. Also, thinking about all of my friends with kids, I don't know anyone for whom this would not be normal and expected. I would think it incredibly rude if I went to someone's house, know their children/teens were there and they didn't come down/in to say hello. It works both ways - if my teen is having friends round I would expect a hello etc when they arrive before they disappear off & do their own thing (and my favourites are always the socially adept ones, they are always welcome!).

GorgonLondon · 06/07/2018 18:46

When we were kids and my parents had dinner parties, we'd have to say a polite hello, a little bit of conversation, and then say goodnight to everyone and go to bed, not to come down again unless there was a life-threatening emergency.

We'd then be kept awake until the early hours as they all got progressively more pissed* and the laughing and shouting got louder.

These were nice suburban dinner parties with three courses and everything!

*even the drivers. "It was acceptable in the 80s"

HairDyedPink · 06/07/2018 18:48

No wonder there are so many socially inept adults if this isn't a thing any more.

I completely disagree, for my parents and grand-parents it was never a thing, children were always out of the way. It's a very modern thing to proudly show off little Timmy in front of guests, have kids eating at the same table and so on.

Tillytrotter123 · 06/07/2018 18:57

If the kids are up and awake I think it's basic manners just to at least pop downstairs and say hello, I wouldn't be offended if they didn't though. As I child I was encouraged to stay in my bedroom and sometimes I didn't even dare come downstairs for a drink if my mum had friends round, id hate my daughter to ever feel like that.

toxic44 · 06/07/2018 19:01

I recall in the 50s being told to come into the sitting room to say hello to Aunty Joan (or whichever of my mother's friends had called.) Then I had to say, 'I'm pleased I've seen you, Aunty Joan, I'm going now,' and go back into the living room. I suppose it teaches a child how to greet a guest and how to leave politely.

Bekstar · 06/07/2018 19:01

My DS does this off his own back, mainly cos he is nosy but I wouldn't expect him to come and say hello if he didn't want to.

Lizzie48 · 06/07/2018 19:14

My DDs always used to love to come downstairs to say hello to guests that are visiting us. Now tbh when we have guests those guests mostly have DC anyway so they're with us. But we get adult conversation whilst the kids play together.

Teenagers are different, of course. My DSis's DSS used to come downstairs at some point when we were visiting to say hello. It wasn't necessarily when we first got there but he always came downstairs at some point.

Similarly, when we visit my BIL and SIL and their family, their oldest DS (nearly 18 now) has mostly stayed in his room the last few years. He always comes down to say hi (and joins us to eat ).

I've never thought one way or another about it. It's nice to have kids come downstairs to say hello, but it's never crossed my mind to even think about it before.

falang · 06/07/2018 19:19

YANBU. I think it's bad manners for children not to say hello to guests.

WTFiswrongwithpeople · 06/07/2018 19:23

Hello guests?? It’s not about you - it’s about teaching children manners and respect. You don’t have to make it a big deal FFS

topcat2014 · 06/07/2018 19:24

I don't have any friends where I just know the adults but not the kids, but I would certainly want the kids to just do whatever they usually do - if that's out of the way, fine, if they want to watch tv fine also.

astoundedgoat · 06/07/2018 19:24

Mine are little and they would always come out for hugs and kisses - they have grown up with our friends and love them. One or two of them will always carry them back to bed & give them a kiss and then that's that. They're only allowed out for a couple of minutes though.

When they are older, yes I would expect them to come out for a polite hello. Prob would expect our friends to carry them back to bed as teens though.

happypoobum · 06/07/2018 19:32

I don't really like other people's children so would prefer it if I didn't have to converse with them

I am in my fifties but would think it very antiquated to do this. Nobody in my circle would parade their DC around in this fashion. If you bumped into them on the landing you might say "Hi - how's the trampolining going" or something but other than that, no.

They are just people who happen to live in the same house as the people I have come to visit. I would no more expect them to come and speak to me than if my friends had a lodger.

AntoinetteOuradi · 06/07/2018 19:34

Littlies should, obviously, be asleep and stay asleep. I agree with you, OP, that it's extremely bad manners for older ones (mine are all teens) to skulk in their bedrooms if I have guests. I don't want them to regale my guests with their life stories (in fact, one of mine has a tendency to hang around far longer than necessary in the hope of getting extra wine , and has to be reminded to make himself scarce), but a quick hello and a few minutes of small talk are what I would expect.

Similarly, I take a dim view of it if my DC invite their friends here, and said friends don't give me the time of day. Again, I don't want to have a long conversation with them. Merely a polite acknowledgement of one another's existence.

wictional · 06/07/2018 19:38

Say hello, brief polite conversation, then if they want to stay or go, they can. But I would never drag them downstairs; it’s expected that they say hello at some point but to trot them out like show dogs is painfully embarrassing for all concerned.

OlennasWimple · 06/07/2018 19:46

If someone comes over briefly during the day I make any child who is in the same room say hello and goodbye, because I think it's incredibly rude for a guest to come into a room and someone (however old) to just carry on watching TV and not acknowledge them, just because they aren't "their guest"

Evening guests are different - if they know my DC well, then we normally time things so that the guests get to spend some time with the DC before the DC are shuffled off to bed so that we can have a grown up evening. If they have never met them before, we would time it so that the DC are in PJs and ready for bed and would just say "hello and goodbye" before going to bed

GorgonLondon · 06/07/2018 19:50

They are just people who happen to live in the same house as the people I have come to visit. I would no more expect them to come and speak to me than if my friends had a lodger.

Er, no they're not and I assume you're just being goady.

Of course they are more than "people who happen to live in the same house".

I still get on well with many of my parents' friends (now in their 70s) and my friends and I love each other's kids very much, even if they are annoying sometimes.

MirriVan · 06/07/2018 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proseccoagain · 06/07/2018 19:54

Most of the guests we had were people that the DCs had known all their lives, so of course they would see them and have a little chat, then it was up to their rooms while we grown-ups did grown-up up things like having drinks and dinner and drinks......

MsHomeSlice · 06/07/2018 20:09

I expected mine to be sociable, hold a conversation, and not just yes/no answers either, and a bit of to and fro chatter. If they appeared as I was doing drinks then they would help.
No Von Trapp type recitals mind you! I lost my whistle hmm

Roselind · 06/07/2018 20:28

My parents had me quite late in life and I ended up being taken to all their friends' dinner parties/cocktail parties etc. I quite enjoyed being "shown off" but looking back think it must have been tedious in the extreme for the other adults.
I don't think it did anything at all for my social skills - I hate entering a room of strange people and am rubbish at small talk even with people I know as acquaintances. So don't kid yourself you are teaching your children social skills by wheeling them out; some are sociable and some are not.
We never made any point of getting ours to do anything. If anything we discouraged them from being around as many of our close friends do not have children and again we are conscious they may find the company of children (and teenagers) tedious. As it happens, they will all stop and say hello if they happen to be in and encounter a guest but when they were younger we never made a point of presenting them.
Manners are about being considerate towards others. That is quite subtle - and children learn from the example of adults, not being told you must behave XYZ.

Metoodear · 06/07/2018 20:32

It’s a culture thing very white British I am black west Indian background and coming to say hello is mandatory

Also I know my Asian sister in law wouldn’t have any of it either

Metoodear · 06/07/2018 20:34

I was shocked when dh callea his auntie and uncle by his first name he definitely wouldn’t be able to stroll in and be like hello Nancy with in my family

BertrandRussell · 06/07/2018 20:38

Maybe it's a class thing? The pictures of Obama and Prince George in his dressing gown seemed perfectly normal to me. But I am old fashioned posh.

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