children meeting house guests

[dottypotter]

Is it me or is it bad manners if you visit someone for an evening and their kids dont come out of their bedrooms to say hello.

when i was younger if my parents had their friends round we went and said hello if only for a few minutes.

I have a friend who if she has an evening do or something the kids dont appear they are in their rooms!

Very common when I was a child.....in the early 60s! We'd be expected to appear, they'd ask the (same) questions about school, piano lessons, whatever, then we'd go on back to our rooms.

When I was raising mine, if it's family, yes they need to come out and say hi to Auntie/Uncle X. But if it's just friends, no, they don't need to specifically come greet them. If if they walked through the living room or wherever and that guest was sitting there, I'd expect them to stop and say hi, not scuttle silently through the room.

@yerroblemom1923

As creepy as it sounds he wasn’t actually creepy at all. Just really effing annoying and over familiar. One of those people who just doesn’t know when to shut up, you know?

fresta I completely agree with you and londonista has been very rude to you.

No she doesn't want a medal for teaching her children basic manners and social niceties.

I am also very surprised about some of these responses. Everyone, adults and children, should say hello and welcome guests into your home, it's basic courtesy.

Mine are still young, but I have the opposite problem. They think everyone who comes to the house is very interesting and need redirecting to leave alone anyone who come to do work on the house.

There are certain friends who are welcome anytime and other friends who are pleased that I only invite them round after 7:30pm.

One of my kids can get overwhelmed when the house is full but we give her strategies for dealing with this. She still likes to say hello to everyone though. With a bit of help I'm sure she will turn into a socially competent adult!

@Leontine

eeeuuuuwwww, the sense of entitlement, grabbing at the opportunity to dominate a teenager who had nothing to do with him. "Pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Wow Fresta. Chill out. You are becoming more angry with each response.

It has nothing to do with a child being 'socially inept'. The OP asked if it was good manners.

I personally wouldn't be offended if a child cba to make small talk at a dinner party after being forced to come down and chat with an adult.

DoAs- being shy isn't the same as not bothering to say hello is it? If you are wanting your child to be able to speak to strangers and encouraging him to do so then my comments aren't aimed at you. Most children aren't so shy they can't manage a smile or hello when passing in the street or someone arrives at their house- they just have never been expected to do so. I meet plenty of shy children in my work- but there are plenty of rude children too. It's usually easy to spot the difference.

OT really, but I thought that house guests were ones who were actually staying in your house for a few days? Obviously it would be odd for children not to speak to someone in that situation. Just over for dinner? Nah. Think showing off your children over sherry and nibbles went out with melon boats and black forest gateau

*Completely normal behaviour here
I'd love to know in what part of France you are! French kids tend to go to bed at more reasonable hours than the kids here, but French diner start and finish so late that I can't see how kids are still up by the time guests live.

I have never been invited for diner in France before 8pm at the absolute earliest.*

I'm French and I agree with lilliangish. I also find the idea that French kids go to bed earlier quite strange, this isn't true. UK bedtimes and rhythms really confuse most French people.

Grew up having to say hello to guests in the house and yes I'd expect my kids (aged 11 and under) to do so too. Yes, they are comfortable talking to adults and answering the "so what year are you in? Who are your friends?" etc etc

My ds went through a very shy phase. He was only expected to say hello before he retreated. Temper the wind to the shorn lamb.

We can easily go to my bil’s for hours and if we ask where the early teens are, be told they’re upstairs. Suits me, I’m not interested in socialising with teens.

I do find it a bit weird. If we had guests as a kid, I’d be too nosy to stay in my room.

Ours we’re always expected to greet visitors politely. At drinks parties they, took coats, served canapés and topped up glasses. It taught them the art of small talk and to understand how to behave at social functions. They now do the same, if they are home, but also join in.

Kitchen supper parties they’ve always joined us, as have close friends children. Again, a valuable way to learn social skills. We’ve never separated older teenagers and adults. Little ones went to bed immediately after guests arrived usually.

More formal supper parties then teenage children upwards greeted guests, helped serve and generally ate separately once guests had starters. As young adults, if they are home then they join us as equal participants. It would be very rude for them to be watching television whilst guests were here.

So many kids seem to be ill-mannered and entitled these days apparently, I think it does them a world of good to be taught to respect adult space and adult guests and that the whole house doesn't revolve around them.

It's not exclusive to teaching them to behave around adults and meet strangers.

my mum and dad used to do this trot me out to say hello-didnt help anxiety

helacells Yes in some cultures it is seen as extremely rude.

My DH's family have zero social skills. He and his siblings were never expected to sit with guests or say hello when growing up, nor attend weddings and parties. They are fine with their own friends but utterly inept otherwise.

I am a cow little firmer than DMil and seen some improvement in DH over the years we have been together. DS (8) is excruciatingly shy, he would run and hide as soon as he heard the doorbell. But I expected the bare minimum from him, it being a polite hello and handshake. It has really helped as he now willingly sits with certain guests (mainly thoee he can discuss football with). I think being too forceful isn't helpful with shy kids but there is nothing wrong with having some expectations.

There's a balance, you can teach them to be sociable and to welcome guests with family and close friends - and weekend guests

Not taking them to weddings where they are not invited is more than acceptable too (see the threads where posters claim the "adult-only" invitations do not apply to their little darlings).

There are plenty of social occasions for kids, really no need to impose them when there's an adult dinner. No one really cares about other people children! It's not just social, if my accountant comes around to discuss figures, she really is not interested in kids, but so many of her clients are happy to let their kids try to take over the conversation. It drives her mad, but less than her clients having their kids around when they come to see her!

Saying hello is not taking over the conversation

I don't have to "make" them came out and say hallo, they do it themselves, probably because they are very curious!

I find it sad that lots of people are saying they don't want to see their friends' kids, why would that be? would you say the same about another adult saying in the house?

I get my kids to come down to say hello (literally just that) then they fart off again. I call them down when people are leaving, it’s manners and although they’re introverted by nature they get on with it

@mosessupposes I completely agree with @lilliangish and you too. I’m not French, but I’ve lived in the south of France for nearly twenty years, and in my experience kids go to bed later and most often stay up and eat with the adults when guests are over. I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to someone’s house where kids are there but not seen or heard.
And I like that, I think it’s very civilized. I will be bringing my child up to do the same.
Bref, i don’t relate to @HairDyedPink’s experience at all. Maybe they’re all savages in the North.

I think Hairdye is being deliberately obtuse - no one is talking about taking children to weddings univited or to meetings with their accountant or to a business dinner. Well I’m not. It’s about teaching children basic social skills - saying hello and goodbye, shaking a hand when introduced, being capable of a little polite small talk rather than skulking in their room when friends come to the house. Where else are they going to learn that if they don’t learn it at home? Being socially at ease is as important as anything they learn at school and they can only learn it by doing it. It doesn’t mean they need to dominate proceedings - that would be as socially inept as clamming up. It’s just basic good manners. I can only think people who find the very idea excruciating are lacking in social skills themselves.

Yes I think it's rude for kids not to say a quick hello.

But I also find it annoying when parents insist that there kids sit down with the adults for the entire evening, changing the dynamic and cramping everyone's style.

Just a quick polite hello is fine.

Yes, kids say hello in our family. And it works both ways, kids are acknowledged and not ignored.

Yes, I agree with everything you’ve said there too, @LillianGish. I think it’s very important for children to learn social skills and I think the French are quite good at this. I shall therefore by following their example when my child is of an age.