children meeting house guests

[dottypotter]

Is it me or is it bad manners if you visit someone for an evening and their kids dont come out of their bedrooms to say hello.

when i was younger if my parents had their friends round we went and said hello if only for a few minutes.

I have a friend who if she has an evening do or something the kids dont appear they are in their rooms!

Completely normal behaviour here
I'd love to know in what part of France you are! French kids tend to go to bed at more reasonable hours than the kids here, but French diner start and finish so late that I can't see how kids are still up by the time guests live.

I have never been invited for diner in France before 8pm at the absolute earliest.

HairDyed Pink so agree - the only place in Europe where my kids have been openly tutted for simply being is in northern France.

We’re in Paris. I’ve already said that if kids are in bed asleep I wouldn’t expect them to get up, but if they are still awake - as teenagers often are - they would say goodbye.

I don’t expect my children to kiss anyone they don’t want to. Shake hands, yes. Kiss no.

And yes, kids deserve privacy. But we, as a family, are a small community and we each contribute to that community and follow the community rules.

This thread completely explains why children are so socially inept. I find it shocking the number of children who can't converse confidently with an adult or a stranger and the number of children at the school I work in who blank the staff once they are out of school, looking at the ground and pretending they don't know you, too awkward to even smile and say hello.

My 12 year old has no trouble popping her head into the room, saying a polite hello, engaging in some small talk and answering simple questions about what she's been up to etc. with my friends.

I guess some parents have such low expectations of their children though- these are simple life skills, they'll only be embarrassed if they haven't been brought up to engage in conversations, allowed to be part of adult company and expected to be able to hold a polite conversation.

In my own community, kids get out of the way unless told otherwise

Fresta I completely agree.

Yes it's rude to ignore a guest. If you go for a drink or meal at your friends house of course you don't want a 6yo day with you all night but a simple hello will do. It's respectful to greet people who enter your home.

I remember being told to come downstairs and say hello/sometimes have a chat about school and friends etc when I was younger and parents had guests over.

Even now as an adult I think it would be very rude and quite weird to visit someone's house and not want to say hello to their children and ask how they are. To just completely ignore the fact that there is a child upstairs seems very strange to me

Jeezus Fresta what do you want a bloody medal?
I bet your child is that one that the other parents eye-roll about because she's so precocious. Christ on a bike, have a word with yourself. I counted at least 5 sweeping generalisations in it - is that a MN record?

As a PP said, both my kids totally expect to say hello and possibly serve drinks and nibbles. They are capable of making unobtrusive but polite small talk as well because we have trained them in the art of socialising. They are not expected to stay on the room but making guests feel welcome is an important social skill to learn. First time guests are sometimes surprised at how well-mannered and unobtrusive my (teenage) kids are and usually comment on how nice it was to see them. The same rules apply when my kids’ friends come round - they are expected to say hello and goodbye. Some were not used to doing this at first but all now happily greet us and sometimes choose to sit with us for a while. Maybe this is because we treat them with courtesy and respect

What is so mortifying about being introduced to a guest who is a stranger? Won't they remain a stranger forever if they can't be introduced? How will your child cope in the real world if they can't be introduced to anyone they don't already know? Such odd behaviour!

I guess some parents have such low expectations of their children though

or maybe some parents have a realistic view about their own children, and appreciate that other people are not interested or blown away by their amazing conversation. Some children are being taught manners and not to pop their head when adults are meeting and they are not needed.

I can remember a few evenings having to ooh and ahh whilst a little darling was proudly singing random songs and rambling about how much they knew about some random subject whilst most of us were quickly getting drunk - it was painful for us. The little darling thought they were the center of the world however.

Yes london, that awful child who says hello to people she knows! So Prcocious! I'll definitely have a word with myself for teaching her manners- and I'll immediately go and tell her look at the ground next time she passes an adult she knows and not come out of her room when friends visit- how dare she have the confidence to speak to people in her own home!

Fresta has someone's outlandish and complete baseless generalisation about your child and your parenting upset you? #ironyalert

I'll wait.

HairDyedPink exactly! We always organise adult social events e.g. book club once the kids are asleep. When adults want to get tipsy, eat food in peace and talk about adult stuff they don't want a 5 year old jumping about! I'm well aware that not all adults like other people's children. Fact.

I think it's a bit of a non-issue.

Either you and the kids will know and like each other- in which case, a conversation will organically occur over the course of the evening (whether they come out of their room, or you pop by on the way to the bog), or you don't. In that case, them interrupting your adult time for an awkward conversation about their favourite breed of dog is probably of very little interest to anybody.

I was forced to sit with all visitors in my parents house, as were my siblings, be in relatives or parents friends. This was fine until around age 13 when you just want to be texting friends and don't want to be stuck with the adults. My sister is 22 and when she's back from uni my mom still tries to force her to do this, which is ridiculous. I think them popping their head round and saying hello is fine, but that's the extent of it. I certainly won't be forcing DD to sit with visitors.

Won't they remain a stranger forever if they can't be introduced?

so what? I can't say it happens often since I am not in Central London anymore, but if we have some of DH clients for dinner, I am sure they are delighted not to be formally introduce to my amazing angels.

If we had their teacher for dinner (not sure why we would , but for the sake of the argument) then yes, they would come and say hello.

I would expect my children to be polite and show basic manners. So I'd expect them to say hello and make a bit of small talk with my friends. I wouldn't drag them out of their rooms to do it (but I wouldn't be impressed if they hid out in their rooms all day/evening long, regardless of whether we have guests round or not), and I certainly wouldn't expect them to be playing piano etc! The only time I'd expect them to help with taking coats/handing nibbles out/offering drinks etc is when we have biggish parties (a couple of times a year), when I consider that we (the whole family) are hosting and they are part of that. TBH, mine are currently fairly sociable and would want to say hello and have a chat with guests anyway. That said, they are still at the younger end of teen, and might get more surly/sulky as they get older!

Years ago when I was doing my GCSEs my mum had some house guests round. I had some coursework to finish so stayed in my room. The husband of the couple came upstairs (without my mum’s knowledge) came into my room and told me to come downstairs to hang out with them and not be so rude. I’d only met him once before briefly. I thought he was so weird but I ended up going with him as the thought of being rude really bothered me.

His wife did end up having a go at him later about it though.

We have close friends who are like family and then the kids would happily like to say hello and be part of the gang but I think there is a difference between sleeping 5 year olds usually tucked up in bed at 8pm and teenagers who are still likely to be awake until a slightly later bedtime so chances of them milling about more likely.
Unless they are my friends who my kids have grown up with I wouldn't expect too much interaction. Just as I'm sure teenagers wouldn't want us encroaching on their social events.

Leontine that's bordering on creepy...

@Fresta for someone who works in a school, you're disappointingly judgmental

My DS is like that - can barely look most adults in the eye, doesn't know what to say to them etc, despite being bright and able at school.

He is shy. And children, like adults, are individuals. I have spent countless hours teaching him how to respond and speak to people, through role play, encouragement and sometimes just showing him how disappointed I am and how sad he must have made the person who was trying to speak to him. He has travelled a lot, been to a million activities for both adults and children, but he's still every bit as crippled with shyness a lot of the time. Realising that people like you see his behaviour and think it's because I can't be bothered to teach him better...that's really upsetting, actually.

Stunningly ill mannered. Guests should be welcomed into your home and children should make some polite acknowledgement of this. Then they can hide in their rooms. How will you civilise them otherwise?

Of course it's rude, but then I'm from African culture where this is very much expected. You always greet guests and offer food and drink. And you only refer to parents friends as Aunty or uncle, NEVER by first name. I thinks it shows respect and manners