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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs behavior around DD

149 replies

TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 09:40

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/07/2018 09:43

Unless he's really stupid, he already knows 4 year olds aren't mini adults, it just doesn't matter to him. Your feelings about how he treats your child also don't matter to him. You can't change that - he has to change it.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/07/2018 09:44

Wow there is no way I'd be accepting him shouting and intimidating a little child or calling her a "brat". If he moved in three years ago (obviously knowing that DD was part of the deal) I'd have expected him to be bonded with her by now not resenting doing stuff like drop offs which presumably he agreed to do so you could bring in more money.

Maelstrop · 05/07/2018 09:44

Why are you having a child with him?!

As your dd is not even his biological child, can you tell him that you will do all the discipline and that he is not to do it?

Original poster
TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 09:46

@PitterPatterOfBigFeet
I hate myself for tolerating it.
He never used to be like this with her, but she's been a bit cheekier recently and pushing more and more boundaries. Which- I thought, is how a child learns.
I just get told I'm far too soft and a pushover.
I left her dad because of the aggression she was witness to. I don't want her to grow up thinking its okay to yell at someone like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 09:48

@Maelstrop
tried telling him that, he says he feels like he has no choice sometimes, and you can visibly see him getting wound up if I'm trying to deal with something and he's in the room. Its like he can't stand it and has to butt in.
He's amazing 90% of the time, but if anything isn't perfect its the end of the world.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 05/07/2018 09:49

I’d be very concerned. If he is this aggressive and intolerant towards a 4 year old, what the hell will he be like with a crying baby after months of broken sleep? Or when the baby starts crawling about, messing up his “tidy” house?

Namethatchange · 05/07/2018 09:50

He's emotionally abusive and aggressive to your 4 year old and you don't want to leave him. Whats goi

Namethatchange · 05/07/2018 09:51

Whats going to happen when you have a new baby crying and he's sleep deprived. Leave now.

Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2018 09:51

Well. There are two possible outcomes:

  1. He treats his biological child the same shoddy way, it’s more stressful because there are two of them and makes you all miserable.
  1. He treats his biological child well and your DD shoddily as usual, makes her feel unwelcome in her own family and makes the two of you miserable.

What has he said when you’ve spoken about it properly? Because I suspect he’s one of those who doesn’t see any issue at all and that you’re ‘soft’ and that she needs ‘discipline’.

And drop off/pick ups etc are not stressful chores to be resented - they’re part of family life. If he’s unwilling then it doesn’t say much for your future family life - he’ll just check out.

You’re setting your daughter up for real sadness I’m afraid.

I would rather be single forever than go near anyone who treated my child like that, even once.

TheFaerieQueene · 05/07/2018 09:52

OP you know this isn’t acceptable as you have left one abusive relationship. Don’t stay this time. Your poor little girl. She deserves to feel secure and safe with the adults in her life.

HelenK73 · 05/07/2018 09:52

That's a really hard situation as you don't want him not to be able to discipline her but just not in the way he's currently doing it. Personally, I think it smacks of jealousy on his part. Hopefully once he has his own child he'll realise what being a parent is all about.

TwiceAsNice22 · 05/07/2018 09:52

If you are a family, why would he resent doing pick ups and drops offs? And if he does resent that, why would he be taking it out on a small child, instead of talking to you about it? He sounds like a bully. If he treats her this way in front of you, how do you think he treats her when you are not around?

My DT’s are 4 and I would be horrified if anyone treated them the way your daughter is being treated. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and make him take a parenting class. He needs to know that his behaviour is seriously out of line. Your child is too little to stand up for herself.

KirstenRaymonde · 05/07/2018 09:54

You’re choosing this man over your child when you let him speak to her like that. He needs to get a grip. If he can’t control his anger he needs to go for counselling and learn how.

DownTownAbbey · 05/07/2018 09:55

Why is having a man more important than your DD? Do you think she won't cotton on that you choose an arsehole of a man over her? How do you think that will pan out?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 05/07/2018 09:56

Sounds like you two have different parenting styles. It can be frustrating when someone lets their child misbehave and brushes it off as “oh they’re only little, they’re learning” because they only learn through being corrected. However, he seems unsure (or you are) whether he is actually her parent, how involved he’s allowed to be won disciplining the child he shares his home with and how to even parent a young child.

As you are determined to stay with him you need to address it before your child is born because if he treats the baby differently this will cause even bigger problems with your DD.

Can you do a parenting course together to make sure you’re on the same page? There are probably online resources but some schools and children’s centres run them too.

I have attended one called The Nurturing Course which my kids’ School hosted an another online called Family Vision, which was aimed at lone parents, but I’m sure there are plenty of resources.

You need a plan, you need to know how involved you will both be with parenting (harder for him if your DDs dad is still on the scene I imagine) and you need to agree on what is isn’t acceptable re discipline.

Would he listen to a counsellor if you brought up the swearing and intimidating behaviour with them? Sometimes people need a light shining on their behaviour in front of others to realise it’s not jut you v him, it’s good parenting v bad parenting.

OneStepSideways · 05/07/2018 09:57

What's she doing that causes him to shout at her? Is he deliberately towering over her or just forgetting to get down on her level?

Have you discussed parenting styles and how to enforce boundaries? It's important to be on the same page. I think it must be difficult for a step parent, as you want to treat them as you would your own, and that means not letting them get away with being cheeky or rude.

I'm quite a gentle parent but there are things we don't tolerate, like hitting or hurting people, breaking things, throwing toys or food, refusing to do things like get dressed or brush teeth. We use time out and a star chart, and confiscate toys if that fails. DD is 3 and like any child she pushes boundaries. I try not to shout but sometimes do (who doesn't?) They need to understand there are consequences.

Are there any trigger times when he loses his temper? I find mornings are the worst, when we're trying to get ready for work and get DD ready for nursery, so we have a strict routine now.

Original poster
TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 09:57

@Merryoldgoat
He's voiced to me before that it makes him sad he doesn't have the bond with DD that I do. That he's not her real dad and that's more than clear. He does love her and spoil her though- its not all shouty.

You're right there- he doesn't see how it's wrong to shout at a child like that and just tells me none of his siblings ever behaved like that or how he's never seen behavior like this before. FWIW I don't think there's anything particularly bad about her behavior- she's been cheeky and naughty but as I said before she's a child and pushing boundaries is how she learns.

I told him I was only unable to do the drop offs because of the job I had to get when he moved in with us. It was an agreement and he agreed at the time.

He hasn't always been like this- only recently. I love him & so does DD- and our little family works so well when he's not over stressed.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2018 10:00

Why’s he so stressed all of a sudden? Why did you ‘have’ to get a new job when he moved in?

callmeadoctor · 05/07/2018 10:00

That is horrible Sad

JessicaJonesJacket · 05/07/2018 10:01

Well, if it's a recent change, what has happened to make him more stressed? And is he taking the increased stress out on everyone or just your DD? Would he read some parenting books eg How To Talk So Kids Will Listen?

ElspethFlashman · 05/07/2018 10:02

Well he's an absolutely shit step parent.

If he were a woman he'd be slated - The Evil Stepmother. Well he's The Evil Stepfather.

If he's this shit at basic parenting, how do you think he's going to do with the new child? Badly, that's how.

Best of luck. You're going to be living in a very volatile house soon.

Beaverhausen · 05/07/2018 10:03

Wow sorry but as a single mom who met and moved in with a DP who has never had any children and him taking on the responsibility of being a dad wholeheartedly to my DD who was 6 at the time.

Yes it was an adjustment for him but I told him from the start that if I feel he is being unnecessarily hard on her it would be the end of us.

For me my daughter and her well being comes and came first, yes we had a few glitches at the start but I told him to either adjust and take a softer tone or he had to leave and he did.

He started to understand that she is just a child and will test the waters and I have to say he is a lot more patient than I am at times.

If your partner can not adjust and change you have to make that choice for your childs wellbeings. For me it was important especially as my DD never had a father that she did not feel left out or unwanted and I hate to say this but I do hope and pray for your sake that things do not get worse once new baby is here.

OneStepSideways · 05/07/2018 10:05

Also I think drop offs and pick ups can be very stressful. Mine used to refuse to get dressed so I had to chase her around with the clothes and dress her while she was tantruming. Then the whining and kicking you in the ribs when you try to wash their face and brush their hair. Then trying to get dressed for work while child is throwing things and smearing peanut butter on your work clothes. Wrangling them into the car when you're running late. I used to resent doing all the drop offs and pick ups (for my own child) as it's a really stressful way to start the day, and I could never work overtime or join in any after work things. We share them now!

Original poster
TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 10:08

Because the job I was in wasn't bringing in enough income, the hours were sporadic and unreliable, and I'd needed to change for a while anyway.
@HelenK73
Thats what I'm hoping, we've already discussed ways to make sure DD doesn't feel left out of excluded at all when DC arrives.
@MyRelationshipIsWeird I think that is the case, that we have different parenting techniques and approaches. Its not like he doesn't know how to- he's done brilliantly until recently! I like the idea of a parenting course together- he doesn't seem to believe me when I say others would be shocked at how he acts towards her sometimes.

@OneStepSideways
She'll be refusing to do something, like go upstairs to get ready for bed or eat her dinner. I think he could be genuinely forgetting to crouch to her level.
I don't think there are specific trigger times.

OP posts:
Namethatchange · 05/07/2018 10:09

He's become like this recently because you are pregnant and in his mind trapped. Its a typical abuser behaviour then they use the stress of the pregnancy as an excuse then it will be he's tired etc. Your daughter deserves better and you know it.