DPs behavior around DD

[TreeClimbingFishes]

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

How about you defend your child in the same way you've defended this man on this thread?
If anyone spoke to my DC in that way, they'd be out. This isn't abandoning him, or honouring 'in sickness and health,' it's a small child being abused

THIS.

I imagine the OP probably wanted some help with how to approach things not to be made to feel useless. I'm not sure how knocking someone down is going to give them the strength to have a difficult conversation or to walk away if things truly are getting that bad.

I'm sure the fact the the OP is asking for advice does very much mean that she has her child's best interests at heart and just wants to know how to approach this matter. Surely its better to try and actually fix the problem than to have this little girl lose someone she considers part of her family?

@Janus It does take a step parent much longer to bond, if at all. When I first met my stepdaughters I really beat myself up about this as I expected it to be almost instant. I read the book Stepmonster and realised this was fairly normal so I was easier on myself and once I was less anxious about it, it started to come naturally. What he does need to do is making sure is he's doing the best he can and if he's willing to go to parenting classes then that's a positive.

These threads are carbon copies of each other and 99.9% of the time, the mother doesn’t care enough about the child to actually leave.

@hamabr86
I imagine the OP probably wanted some help with how to approach things not to be made to feel useless. I'm not sure how knocking someone down is going to give them the strength to have a difficult conversation or to walk away if things truly are getting that bad.

I imagine the OP probably wanted to be told about an easy fix that would make her DP love her child, so she wouldn't have to do anything difficult. He doesn't love her child, he resents her. She doesn't want to accept that she's being unfair to her child, so why should I bother tiptoeing around her feelings?

I get that you're finding some of this hard to read OP but honestly, I can't get past the way you speak so casually about the 'resentment' your DP feels towards DD. You seem to be normalising that somehow but it most certainly isn't normal, even from a step parent and I don't understand why that's not ringing huge alarm bells for you?

+1. She is a four year old child. Nobody, NOBODY in her life should be treating her like he is, still less someone who she has to live with. Please please protect her. And if that means he has to leave, so be it. I genuinely cannot even begin to imagine the scenario when there is a new baby added in. Stress is no excuse ever to treat a small child badly. I hate to think of how your little girl must feel. Please put her first.

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

YOU need to be aware that he already has access to all of this knowledge at the tip of his fingers and he is ignoring it because he thinks it's nonsense. He thinks HE is right. YOU need to be aware that you cannot fix him. Either you will leave him, he will agree to go on a parenting course and chage his behaviour (lol, no), or he will continue to bully your DD until she moves out with the first teenager who shows an interest.

It would be good to agree to work together on compassionate boundaries - you sticking to agreed expectations and consequences, him on talking gently and building more bond by playing with her.

I share people’s concern about how this will work out with the baby - there’s a lot of work to do but I hope you get there together, and if not, that you do stand up for your dd and yourself.

I’m a bit confused with the timeline, she’s just turned four, he moved in three years ago, and you left her dad for being abusive?

How old was she when you started dating him and how quickly did he move in? Was this baby planned?

Does anyone in your life know about all of this, OP?

Your determination to not leave this guy concerns me and makes me worried for your daughter.

I hope there are others in her life who are close enough to her that she can go to them if she needs to for support/to tell someone what’s going on? As the fact you’re not only still with him but also steadfastly saying you don’t want to leave him makes me doubt whether you’re capable of adequately protecting her. I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s purely based on what you’ve said here. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re downplaying it a bit either.

Wow OP you're getting a lot of grief here! There'd only be a handful of couples still together in the country if it was the done thing to LTB as soon as one partner was being unnecessarily harsh to a kid when stressed out. Surely in households around the world there's parents pulling each other up, telling each other they're being a dick when stressed. it's a situation you need to work through and not just kick him out!

I'm wondering if he's frustrated by the fact that he does do drop offs and collects her and so spends a lot of time with her dealing with her behaviour and yet you are making it clear to him that she's your daughter and your rules go. So he has to parent her but not really feel like her parent. If he's said that he's sad he doesn't have that bond with her that you do then I'd look at ways to strengthen his bond with her. No he isn't her dad but he can still be a second father to her. I know I might get shouted down for that comment but I have a step-Mum who is like a second Mum to me. She disciplined me more than dad did and also spoiled me more. I felt so loved by her and still do and that didn't take away from the role my mum played in my life. So I do think that it might help to make him feel more like a father figure to DD rather than a babysitter.

I'd sit down with him and approach the issue as a joint parenting discussion. He thinks you're being too soft so I think you need to reflect on whether there is any truth to it and whether you need to meet in the middle with your parenting approaches (personally I do think you sound soft with the food issue. I wouldn't have offered bread to a fussy 4yo - my kids know you eat what is served or go hungry until the next meal). Explain calmly that you don't think he realises how intimidating he is when he stands over her and shouts. Tell him you know she shouldn't refuse dinner but you're worried she'll then be too hungry to sleep. Ask his input - how does he think you can both calmly handle it? How would he like discipline to go down in your house?

Let him know you're worried about him seeming more stressed and tired and that it's a worry that he handles it poorly. Is there some other way to handle stress? My DH will occasional go through periods at work where he's working too hard and is exhausted. In these times he doesn't deal well with the kids so he will tell me he needs a break and he takes himself to the bedroom for some space. We've discussed this and i know that what he needs from me is for him to be left alone and for me to not judge him or get angry that he's walked off. So I leave him to it. He'll emerge after awhile having calmed down and is a much happier dad after that. Perhaps your DP needs a plan like that for when he feels he isn't able to act calmly around DD.

He’s not her parent and it sounds like he moved in about five seconds after OP split with a different abusive man.

Context is everything, wouldn’t you say?

Don't worry about it OP. The important thing is that you have a man. Your daughter will get used to the abuse, as will you.

Aww hell no! Nope nope nope. He needs to go immediately. Why do so many women accept abusive behavior from a man to their kids? I just don't understand it, what's wrong with raising your child alone? This is not going to end well OP, please put your child first and kick this knobhead to the curb.

Please OP can you ask for this thread be removed to relationships. I don’t think it’s helping having this in AIBU as any good advice will be lost amongst those putting the boot in.

It’s unpalatable to read your OP and I suspect mystifying to some posters why you can’t just LTB for how badly he has already behaved towards your poor little DD. But you say you were in an abusive relationship before and it is actually very difficult to function in life once you’ve experienced that. It can feel like there is no other option but to stay and ‘fix’ someone new esp one that you’ve emotionally invested in and I get that. I hope you move the thread & get the support you need to help you clearly see what you can do to get this person out of your lives. He’s not going to change and if anything will get worse and you all deserve better.

Chocolatepanda your dh regulates and takes himself off.
Ok s dp just shouts

After few years he should have learned by now...

Sorry OP but I think you moved him in too quickly. By the time your DD was 1 you'd already left her abusive dad and let this man move in to her home. And now you're pregnant. It's common for abusive men to show their true colours during pregnancy but I also think you didn't give it enough time for him to really get to know and bond with your DD before you moved him in and started relying on him for childcare. I do feel for you and I know it must be hard to hear but I think you have a duty to your DD to remove her from this situation before it escalates further and she starts feeling really pushed out

My 4 year old would be so upset if someone was shouting and towery over him over just not wanting his dinner. Such a trivial thing in the world of a 4 year old.

It worries me that once stressed he takes it out on your DD. He's picked the weakest member of the household to target with his stress. What sort of a man does that? This could have a long term psychological effect on your DD. I understand stress, we all get stressed, but venting it by being cruel to our children is abusive. He is the adult and should be dealing with his stress himself.

I worry you are excusing him a little. I know you are in a vulnerable position with being heavily pregnant, about to go on mat leave and juggle a newborn and 4 year old. It's a difficult time for this to have come to light but I fear it will only get worse. Newborns definitely don't ease stress!

I hope your talk this evening reassures you. I can tell how much you love our DD but sometimes we can be blinded by what is right in front of us. Her little mind is being shaped right now into the adult she will eventually become and you do not want the birth of her sibling to coincide with memories of being yelled at by mums boyfriend.

He is already making excuses for his behaviour, he is not going to change. She is not going to do anything about it or put the well being of her child before a petulant man. She is going to carry on and eventually blame everything on her daughter being unreasonable.

I know I come across as being harsh but when it came to MY DD there were no if's buts and /or maybe's. Her well being was and still is the most important to me and her step dad.

Remember OP you decided to have a child she did not ask to be your child. Take responsibility and make the right choices or you are going to regret it.

Cestlavielife I didn't explain myself well. My DH didn't start off naturally knowing to regulate himself. When our second child was around 3 yrs old he was a difficult child. That coincided with someone at DH's work resigning suddenly and DH picking up the slack until they found a replacement. DH started being a real dick to the kids, mostly DS2. He just wasn't handling him well at all. It took me sitting him down and telling him I was worried about him not being able to handle things, for him to change. But I didn't just tell him off for shouting at the kids and having no patience with them. I focussed on how I felt and what I wanted for our kids. He grew up in a house where Mum always said "wait til your dad gets home" so he grew up with no respect for his Mum and fearing his dad. I asked him if that's how he wanted the kids to feel about him.

Anyway, it took a few months of him retraining himself. We agreed he'd leave and cool off if he (or I) thought he needed it and he told me he needed me to back off him in those moments and not tell him off straight away for losing his temper but instead just be a bit more gentle in my approach and gesture subtly for him to leave the room and sort himself out. These days he takes himself off and I know what he needs.

He's now so much better a dad and has also learned to say no to work when he feels he's taking on too much.

So I could have left him years ago when he was shouting at my 3yo when she was refusing to listen to him. But instead I gently worked with him to help him see he was out of line. He got a bit of counselling to help him see why he was reacting the way he was. We stuck with it and turned it around.

I didn't class him as an abusive man. He was exhausted and not handling the stress at work. He was shouting at the kids and had little patience with him, but honestly had no idea how scary he would be to the kids - it never occurred to him that he was much bigger and louder. I never for a second worried that he would be violent or that he would emotionally abuse anyone. He just had no clue how he looked to the kids. He wasn't great with conflict and had a crap role model. He's since learned more about about himself and what he needs to do to keep things calm. And he's a good dad and husband.

Since OP's partner hasn't been like this all along but just the last couple of months when he's also exhausted and she thinks he's stressed, I wouldn't rush to LTB but instead work with him to improve and give him a chance to change.

So many red flags here which do not bode well for your dd and you as a family in the future ....

However stressed your DP is, for however many good reasons, there is NO excuse for him taking out his stress on a four year old. It is simply abusive behaviour.

He's the adult, and he needs to deal with his stress in other more appropriate ways that do not involve your DD in any way.

These family dynamics often present themselves as being about 'different parenting styles', but in reality there are much more complex issues that need addressing.

The primary problem here I suspect is that he has (on his own admission) not bonded with DD. This is now showing as resentment towards her. His resentments will likely increase the older she gets and the more she develops her 'own mind'. He'll likely lock himself in conflict with her, in an attempt to control her and 'improve' her. When this is unsuccessful, he will resent her even more. The arrival of the new child (his child) will no doubt compound the situation.

Your dd will become increasingly aware of the treatment she receives from dp and how it differs from her sibling, and she will harbour huge resentment towards him, which will of course exacerbate matters.

Her behaviour will deteriorate over time and he'll then be able to justify to himself (and you!) why she needs more and more harsh 'discipline'. And so the downward spiral continues....

Your dp believes his attitude and behaviour is fully justified, and therefore he is unlikely to change without help and a willingness on his part to genuinely want to develop a bond with your dd.

You need to address these issues with dp right now, before the new baby arrives. It doesn't sound as though you have the strength to stand up for your dd properly, or insist that he does not show his resentment of your dd to her.

In your shoes, I would be insisting on some urgent joint counselling to focus on these immediate issues and how he can improve his bond with dd. You need to work on setting clearer boundaries to protect your dd from his abusive outbursts. It may lead on to him. or both of you, having separate counselling sessions. Needless to say, I don't think parenting classes will cut it at this stage, although they may be useful at a later time, or even in conjunction with the counselling.

As someone else has pointed out, it may benefit you to do the Freedom programme too.

OP

What do you think he's going to be like towards the new baby when it arrives?

I hope I'm wrong, but he reminds me of my DPs step dad. My DP was always treated like the outsider, because he wasn't biologically his son.

My SIL on the other hand, (his actual daughter, DPs half sister) was treated perfectly well.

When DP was a teenager, there was a family meal. His step dad refused to pay for his meal. In the end, DPs uncle had to pay for it!

Fast forward to now, this man has no interest in our children because they're not 'his' grandchildren. I think it's a shame that DPs Mum doesn't get to see them as much as she would want to, but at the same time, I'm thankful that they live 400 miles away, so that my girls don't have to put up with being ignored and not understanding why.

I think DPs Mum is a lovely woman, but I have absolutely zero respect for her, because she let it happen by putting a man above her own son.

Please don't knowingly put another child, your DD, through that!

I grew up in a home where I was the step-child and my brother and sister were treated a lot better purely because they were biological children.

It has fucked me up massively all my life. It was horrendous to live like that. Please don’t do this to your daughter.

Decent people don't behave like this towards kids, full stop.

I can tell you that parenting classes won't focus on gently "guiding" him. They'll see "abusive" a mile off, and rightly so. If they're being told the truth that is, and not some sanitised nicer sounding version as you know, we don't want it to sound too bad...

It's all very well some women talking about "he didn't realise he was frightening the kids". As if he was blind to their reaction each time the shouting started..you know, he "just didn't realise".yet the kids are nervous, scared, quiet

When your kids grow more they won't see it from your viewpoint.

Decent people don't behave like this.
Cowards do, because there's no consequence. Theyd be out on their arse if they tried that with mates or at work. So they dont. But at home where the bar is set low, it's all good.

Urgent counselling both jointly and individually is what people who are serious about this sort of thing, would arrange. Counselling isn't always prettyz can be a short sharp shock that actually, your way won't be deemed "right".

I couldn't care less what salve people put on things. Kids first

So OP, how did it go? I hope things are ok?