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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DPs behavior around DD

149 replies

TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 09:40

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

OP posts:

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 05/07/2018 14:14

I haven't rtft but would head be open to the parenting puzzle or similar parenting class? I was v shouty before doing the class and I'm much more aware now. I really recommend it.

Original poster

TreeClimbingFishes · 05/07/2018 14:16

@ZigZagIntoTheBlue
I'm going to suggest it to him that we do one together, any more info on the one you did please?

OP posts:

MynameisJune · 05/07/2018 14:37

I imagine the way you feel after reading the harsh posts on here is similar to the way your 4 year old feels when your so called DP towers over her and shouts at her. Maybe think about that.

I sincerely hope you do give him only one chance OP and I hope he does agree to change because it’s your poor little girl I feel sorry for.

StaplesCorner · 05/07/2018 14:40

There are so many men like this :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3297259-Dh-being-overly-harsh

BettyDuMonde · 05/07/2018 14:51

My chap used to be be unnecessarily snappy/shouty with his daughter, my stepdaughter (although never with my 2 bio babies, who are older and younger than my stepdaughter).

It bothered me a lot, she’s frustratingly oblivious to anything but her iPhone at times, and she always looked shocked and wounded after he shouted at her.

I talked to him about it, but he thought I was overreacting. So I asked him to read this: www.damemagazine.com/2017/03/28/why-male-anger-so-threatening/

Then he understood. For a while he would start to rev up but then catch himself immediately. He taught himself new habits and he doesn’t do it at all anymore.

He recently thanked me for helping him be a better parent.

Maybe you can fix this without having to LTB?

But don’t hesitate to walk if he isn’t willing to take your concerns seriously.

KokoandAllBall · 05/07/2018 14:54

I don't think its right to just run at the first sign of your partner being stressed though

First sign? You've listed several examples.

I lost all respect for a former friend when I saw how her DD got treated once she had a DS with her new partner. The little boy was the star of the family and everything he said and did was hilarious/genius. The partner visibly did not like her DD (presumably hid it better in the early days) and would mock her, compare her unfavourably with her DB and discipline her more frequently and severely. The last time I saw my friend she was pregnant again, and told me she and her ex had agreed to 50/50 residency of her DD - not for the girls benefit but so she and DP could "spend more time as a family" with the younger ones. This woman used to be a great Mum. But she loved her dickhead DP more, and she let him change her.

Hissy · 05/07/2018 14:57

I don't think its right to just run at the first sign of your partner being stressed though- "through thick and thin, sickness and health"... we support each other and from his side he's probably painting a completely different picture. We need to learn how to support each other and parent together in a way we both agree with.

Your thinking is fine. With a person who is kind and loving and willing to grow as a person and a parent. Your DP isn't that person. Never was, never will be. The fact that he has changed now is an indication that he was pretending to be someone he wasn't until now. You are seeing the real him now, it will never ever get any better.

His agenda is not the same as yours.

He has shown you that your DD is not important enough to treat with kindness and respect

He has shown you that you are not entitled to make decisions about how to bring up your child.

You are not running at the first sign of issues, this dramatic change would have been preceded with little hints along the way, reactions that were slightly off, slightly more robust retorts than were necessary.

You are drawing a line to protect your child. You need to put her/them first.

I agree that you need to get your priorities straight. a 'proper chat' won't result in anything without the very clear sign that you will NOT allow this to behaviour continue for another second.

Juells · 05/07/2018 14:58

she and her ex had agreed to 50/50 residency of her DD - not for the girls benefit but so she and DP could "spend more time as a family" with the younger ones.

So sad for children in situations like this. How can any parent allow one of their children be so isolated and unloved?

Eliza9917 · 05/07/2018 15:04

Why doesn't he work?

And I thought step-parents on here are normally told that the child is nothing to do with them and to tell the parent to step up and look after their own child? The double standards on here are amazing.

Lizzie48 · 05/07/2018 15:12

My DH has been too shouty at times with our 2 DDs, but it's because DD1 in particular has very difficult issues to deal with, as a result of having Attachment Disorder (both our DDs are adopted). Your comment about your OH towering over your DD made me think about this, OP, because my DH is 6'5 and towers over DD1. I find her difficult, too, and it's very easy to lose patience.

But we're both working hard to change our strategy and there has been a marked improvement. I see my DH walking away to calm down.

Your OH can do the same, but he needs to be aware that it has to change. If he doesn't accept this then you should leave him. His response when you challenge him will tell you what you need to know. He has to be willing to listen.

Sequencedress · 05/07/2018 15:30

How about you defend your child in the same way you've defended this man on this thread?
If anyone spoke to my DC in that way, they'd be out. This isn't abandoning him, or honouring 'in sickness and health,' it's a small child being abused.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/07/2018 15:32

Thanks to those who just bit the bullet and called me useless or a shit mum, really, thank you. Not.

I'm genuinely sorry you're hurting and this thread must have been very painful for you to read. I think all any of us are trying to do is get you to open your eyes to reality and I wish you nothing but luck and love in trying to get this sorted.
Whatever the outcome, this site, whilst seemingly harsh at times, will be here to help and support you.

catinboots9 · 05/07/2018 15:38

Your poor DD

Fucking grow a backbone and tell 'D'P to do one.

Summersup · 05/07/2018 15:55

Noteverymanisanabuser and Janus this man is NOT the child's bio dad and admits he isn't as bonded as the OP with her child. To me, that makes a huge difference (although swearing, towering over, shouting and calling the child a brat and the mum 'weak' is unpleasant for all children) in decisions over protection. If a mum who normally adores her child is shouty, it's in that context of love and the mum often feels guilty and awful for being that way. This man doesn't adore the child, isn't bonded in the same way, doesn't feel bad he's shouted, and is basically a large bullying person around a small female child who is starting to be a bit less compliant than when tiny.

It is a shame, but it's extremely common.

Lizzie48 · 05/07/2018 16:02

Yes, you're completely right,, @Summersup my DH has shouted at our DDs on frustration (as I have occasionally), but he's really worked at learning different strategies through adoption training. He also cuddles them and plays with them and takes them to the park. He's every inch a devoted dad and our DDs adore him.

This really is totally different.

frogface69 · 05/07/2018 16:07

OP, lovey I think maybe you knew when you posted what folks were going to say.

Everyday is a day too long for staying with this person who has been abusive to your child. True, he may change but what about the meantime ?
When will that change come ?

Shumpalumpa · 05/07/2018 16:08

@Summersup totally agree

Janus · 05/07/2018 16:17

Summer I do see your point, it’s not just the shouting it’s the not being affectionate at other times too, is that what you mean? I suppose I’m hoping if he can be shown by some sort of parenting course that it’s normal for children to refuse food, refuse to go to bed, be whiny is all completely normal and then he will be more understanding and then bond. I am ever the optimist I suppose, does someone who is a step parent need more time to bond perhaps? BUT I do also say if he doesn’t recognise that he has any problems and refuses to do a course I’d be out.

cestlavielife · 05/07/2018 16:17

Of course he doesn't shout all the time bullies play nice guy too
But your dd is living with a big guy who shouts and scalps her a brat..and she has a new bab y coming who this man will probably fawn over.

Or he may get stressed and shout at baby...
It s going to be tough. For dd.
Decide how you will react next time to protect your dd.

nutbrownhare15 · 05/07/2018 16:25

Can you show him this article? www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger This website is a great resource in general, e.g. you could look at this together: www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/preschoolers They also do an online course which starts in September www.ahaparenting.com/peaceful-parenting-course Ultimately I think you need to tell him he must change the way he is towards your DD and if he doesn't then you will put your children first and leave him. But I think it is worth giving him the chance to change (but do not put up with any more negative behaviour from him towards your DD, separate them if necessary.) I shout sometimes at my DD when I'm stressed out about other things. I apologise and tell her I will try to do better, and I do try. He needs to have a similar attitude. Maybe that first article will help with this. Good luck.

squishee · 05/07/2018 16:30

OP, may I suggest that you get this moved to the Relationships board? You'll find constructive advice there. AIBU is brutal at the best of times.
All the best.

MadMags · 05/07/2018 16:36

He has one chance?

His chance should have been the first time he treated your daughter like this.

Ffs. Why do posters like you try to make out like you care more about your children than your current penis?

Do what you want, but own it.

Oh, and you can say cunt on here. So for example; you think there are cunts on MN. Well, so do I...

RiverTam · 05/07/2018 16:42

That's helpful of you, Mad .

MadMags · 05/07/2018 16:49

Thanks.

Hidingtonothing · 05/07/2018 16:58

I get that you're finding some of this hard to read OP but honestly, I can't get past the way you speak so casually about the 'resentment' your DP feels towards DD. You seem to be normalising that somehow but it most certainly isn't normal, even from a step parent and I don't understand why that's not ringing huge alarm bells for you?

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