DPs behavior around DD

[TreeClimbingFishes]

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

Have you considered what your bottom line would be about the way he treats your daughter?

Good point.

"I'd leave if he shouted at my daughter"

"I know he shouted at her, but he was stressed. I'd definitely leave if he forced her to eat something she didn't want to."

"I know he forced her to eat her dinner, but he didn't realise she'd had a big lunch, he was just worried about her. I'd leave if he smacked her."

"I know he smacked her that once, but she was being very cheeky and talking back. I'd leave if he did it again though."

The goalposts keep shifting.

Hissy on page 2 says it as it is

OP Ive not read the full thread so don't know if this has been suggested. However contact your local children's centre and see if they have a parenting course then " attend together" the idea is to get you to discuss and work out mutual parenting decisions. This will make him feel heard and you will likely get a better outcome than when you tell him what todo.not todo

You say you've just moved house. What is your housing situation now? Am I reading right that at first he moved in with you? What's the situation with the new house? I'm guessing he now feels he has more control and more ability to assert his dominance and resentment as he feels he has more power.

Sadly it's very common for abusers to only show their true colours during pregnancy. He is being abusive. You know that don't you?

Yes, often parents feel stressed and may become a bit shouty, but as another poster said, they then feel remorse and know what they did was out of line and try to remedy it. Your partner sees nothing wrong in how he is treating your little girl, and stands by his bullying abusive behaviour of her.

You say you don't want to ltb....but what about your daughter...surely she deserves the best father possible? Hand on your heart ❤️ is he the best father for her??? ...I've 4 kids my dh has never ever in 23 yrs we have parented taken his stress out on a child..never..your man op ,is a bully...and you are allowing it ..(by staying.).you can't change him by posting on here ,or even by a parenting course,I guarantee he won't want to do a parenting course ,because he's right ..your too soft ( in his head) ...you know he verbally aggressive to her ....how long before he's physically aggressive to her????

This kind of behaviour is unacceptable and the damage to your DD could be catastrophic.

Given he isn't your DD's dad makes me feel extra sad. I wonder if he'll favour the new baby or be a cunt to this one as well.

Get rid OP. It's going to be hard but it will be so much harder with a new baby??

DD will always come first and I will always step in and stick up for her. Always. She is my priority and always will be

Then act like it.
Stop making excuses and justifying the absolute shit behaviour you are allowing him to throw her way.

Sure, you don't want to LTB. So fingers crossed his 'stress levels' come down soon before the damage is too much and too deep.

I have to agree with everyone else OP. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear.

You say he's been busy decorating? Does that mean you've bought the new house, as you usually can't decorate a rental? Is that why you're so reluctant to leave, because you've just signed a new mortgage, and probably put money in to the deposit?

OP, this could turn out like my childhood. I had a resentful step father who treated me like I was always about to do the wrong thing and pounced on every mistake I made as evidence of my inherent badness. Then the new baby arrived and I realised he was only angry at me. He would sulk and withdraw when my mother intervened so her responses became weaker over time or she simply pretended not to know what was happening. I know that’s not how you deal with it now but don’t underestimate how he will wear you down over the years. Don’t underestimate what that can do to your DD’s sense of worth and mental health.

Knowing what I know I would crack down on his behaviour and stop excusing it. Have some serious talks with him to ascertain how much insight he has into what he is doing. If he can acknowledge his mistakes and commit to working on them in some meaningful way then I would continue the relationship. If he is defensive or entitled I would plan to leave.

Abuse commonly starts during pregnancy. Women frequently have a number of abusive relationships, not just the one off relationship with an ‘aggressive’ man. I imagine this is hard to read but I hope you give it some thought.

OP, with the greatest of respect for the strength it took to leave for the sake of your daughter, what did you do within a year of leaving your abusive ex? You moved her in with a new parent.

A man you got together with at a low point, who was an unknown quantity relatively speaking. That isn't putting her first.

My mum rejected my dad's proposal after three months of dating (after leaving a horribly violent ex). She had two kids already, and thought he was ridiculously preemptive. Fortunately, he's wonderful, stuck it out, and she married him later.

I’m not quite sure how you could afford everything before he moved in but when he moved in you had to change work to get more hours to get more money? Surely when he moved in and contributed to everything you should have been better off?
Anyway, I’d really, really see how he responds to the idea of a parenting course and would say ‘I like the idea of us attending a parenting course together because we seem to have quite different ways of parenting so I’d like us to be on the same page’. If he refuses or says his way is right etc then there’s your answer. If he agrees you need to be working together then there’s a chance. This should be a really good indicator. If he says he thinks he’s right you can say ‘I don’t like the way you shout at my child, tower over her and shout too’ and he still doesn’t see it I’d be terrified and plan to leave.

Everyone is keen for you to get rid but please remember being a step parent is extremely hard, and whilst you love the children they aren't yours. You have a double edged sword where you are expected to parent but then if you do it 'wrong' in the other parents eyes you are suddenly just an outsider and your voice doesn't matter anymore. It creates a great deal of anxiety and tension.

Men also sometimes don't realise how scary they can be and need a gentle reminder.

I once lost my temper with the oldest's behaviour, more from increasing frustration at my DP than anything else as he wasn't helping at all. I didn't even shout at her I was just firm and I felt I was judged far more harshly by my DP than if I had been her mum (made all the more annoying by the fact I frequently think he's being a bit too harsh but am not allowed to comment). As a parent you are allowed some lack of judgement but as a step parent its easy to feel you are not. I would try and work out if you would feel the same if he was her Dad.

If the answer is yes then its time for a discussion and yes maybe parenting classes is a good answer.

So he's known her since she was 1? OP, if he hasn't learnt to love her and change his behaviour for her sake in the last 3 years then it's just not going to happen.

He may love new baby better but it's not guaranteed. Either way, your little girl will bear the brunt of his anger.

If he can tower over and shout at her when you're there, I dread to think what he is capable of doing when you're not around

If he can tower over and shout at her when you're there, I dread to think what he is capable of doing when you're not around

^ This

Just another parent who doesn’t give a damn about their kids. It’s easy to say but when it comes to following through and actually putting them first. Nah a man is more important.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, DD is 2.5. If he treated her like that I would leave in an instant, I’d throw away 10 years of marriage and 15 years together to keep her safe and well.

Get a grip, see what’s happening right in front of you and stand up for your daughter.

It carry on as you, and she’ll leave at 16 and likely go low/no contact with you.

I’m really saddened to read this OP, your poor poor daughter. What a miserable life already and only 4 years old.

Much as I hate to say anything to make you feel worse as you’re currently pregnant and have borne the brunt of abuse in a previous relationship, but you’re prioritising your perceived needs over those of your daughter.

This man is not a good person and there’s nothing you can do to change that. What utterly vile and bullying behaviour to your young daughter from an adult male she has the misfortune to have to live with. I don’t see how you can possibly find him remotely attractive or a decebt person to have another child with. He shouldnt be resentful if truly loved you. You can only change things for you and DD. I hope you can see that. I’m so sorry it’s not what you want to hear is it? It really does boil down to whether you want the best for your daughter or are you going to continue misguidedly excusing him and not seeing how it really is.

If a man had towered over my 4 y.o shouting he'd be history. Sheer protective instinct. Our DC are our care and responsibility and a young child should be able to trust in their parents to put them first

You aren't doing this, OP. You're failing to protect her.

Having succeeded in leaving one abusive relationship you have got yourself into another one. I agree with PP that abusers ramp things up once you're pregnant and would like you to consider that, if he's behaving like this because he's stressed, how much more stressed will he be once the baby arrives?

Thank you everyone.

If I was stronger and had more resources leaving would be easier.

I'm going to sit down and have a proper chat with him tonight, if he won't agree to try parenting classes then that speaks volumes.

I know what I have to do. If this is unsolvable then I'll go. He won't be shouting at her again.

Thanks to those who just bit the bullet and called me useless or a shit mum, really, thank you. Not. I hope one day when you're looking for support and advice someone comes along being as critical and bitchy as you were. Really are some right c*nts on MN sometimes.

Thanks to those who had a shred of human emotion and tried to be gentler getting their points across. I have listened and taken it all in and I know this can't continue, hence my post in the first place.
I will LTB if he can't sort his attitude out.

Yes, have a chat

If I was stronger and had more resources leaving would be easier.

Oh boofuckinghoo. You have a job, you have a home, that's a lot more than a lot of people have when they leave an abusive relationship. Who exactly do you think leaves an abusive relationship when they're strong with lots of resources?

Your child has only you to depend on for her safety.

I just can not believe that even though you knew these were problems you still fell pregnant with his child.

You do know that his child is going to take priority and I am sorry but you come across as a woman who will allow it.

Your priority in this relationship should have been your child, but she was not. Get your priorities right, they do not ask to be brought into this world so the best we can do for them is guarantee them a happy and safe life with parents who love and care for them.

OP, I don’t think that the majority of posters here are really listening to how you describe your DP. There are many women here who have suffered from terrible abuse and so see it even where it doesn’t exist. He sounds to me like he is struggling with parenting but there’s nothing there to suggest he’s a manipulative abuser. Shouting at young children is very common among all sorts of parents who do love their children but have no better model for parenting, and have heard a lot of the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ type of rhetoric which is very common in our society. He needs to do better, but leaving him isn’t going to teach him to be a better parent.

I would talk to him at a time when he’s not stressed, and talk about the hopes and dreams you have for both your children, then raise the possibility of a parenting course as a way to achieve that. I know there are online ones which might suit more than children’s centres with a newborn in the mix, I think ahaparenting was one.

Regarding him being resentful, I’m reading it as he’s resentful of doing all drop offs and pick ups. There’s a comic strip I’ve seen a few times going around Facebook showing how this does restrict women (who are more likely to do it) in the workplace, as they have no flexibility to work late etc. That could be contributing to his stress, not that it excuses anything, but once you take the parenting course finding a way to share the load may be part of the solution.

Sorry but attacking the OP is not on. She’s come on here for advice, if she didn’t care then she wouldn’t have asked what to do would she? She’s vulnerable, pregnant and asking for help. Do none of us ever raise our voices? I will shout at mine ‘go and find your shoes’ in the morning as the first 2 times they’ve ignored me, I don’t think that makes me an awful mother. There’s a difference between raising your voice and towering and shouting over someone so I hope he can be shown that this has to stop and he needs to find some more patience and let silly things go like how much food is eaten.
OP I hope the chat goes well tonight and he agrees to the classes. I think this is a pivotal point, I hope it works out.

@Juells
I have a job, but am about to be on stat maternity pay.
We have a house, through the council.

I've acknowledged how shocking his behaviour is and have set plans to resolve this.
I won't be giving him long to sort this out, and as PP have said the newborn may change things- for better or for worse.

DD still comes first. Im not going to let him have anything to do with discipline until he knows how without the anger.

He gets a chance to change, 1 chance.

@Beaverhausen
This is recent. Please read thread. Past few months I believe I said.

@Janus
@Noteverymanisanabuser
Thank you, I feel like you two understand where I'm coming from. He's not an abusive man, he trieshis best it's just been particularly stressfulrecently and it's clearly taking a toll on him.

I'm not stupid, I've been in an abusive relationship, I know what the signs are.
Thank you two so much though seriously 💜