DPs behavior around DD

[TreeClimbingFishes]

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

I posted today asking for advice on how to handle this situation, asking for opinions and options. I was aware there'd be a fair few LTB's.
It hasn't always been like this, and of course my DD will always come first.
I want to try and explore the options available and the resources available before throwing the towel in and just calling it quits- as I've said he's not normally like this!
This isn't regular behavior from him. Just the past month or so.

DD will always come first and I will always step in and stick up for her. Always. She is my priority and always will be. If the right thing to do is leave then I will go.

I don't think its right to just run at the first sign of your partner being stressed though- "through thick and thin, sickness and health"... we support each other and from his side he's probably painting a completely different picture. We need to learn how to support each other and parent together in a way we both agree with.

I really like the idea of parenting classes together- this way its something for us both- as opposed to me just standing there telling him he's shit.

Do you think he'd be interested in parenting classes?

If you were to break up with him it wouldn't be because he's stressed; it would be because he's not kind to your daughter

Stuff like this is so depressing. He's horrible to your child when he's stressed. Life is stressful. You are setting her up for a life of living with someone who is horrible to her or, at best, someone who sees her as something to be put up with, someone she can't approach for help or support while seeing that her brother or sister can (because you'll train that into her if he isn't involved with her and distances himself at this age).

It being a new change in his behaviour isn't shocking or out of the ordinary either. It's the pattern of abusive men. They can start to let their real selves leak out bit by bit once they've got you trapped (pregnant) because they know women like you (no offence) will be desperate to try and "fix" the situation and soon enough you'll be running round after him to make sure the poor poor man isn't too stressed and isn't doing too much childcare or anything around the house because of his big bad job working him too hard.

It's just sad.

@Shoxfordian
It's not an idea that's been floated before- but it'll be discussed shortly!
i think it'd be good to have an outside professional style party saying "no, this is a bad reaction and will escalate things. here's how you could handle it"

I honestly don't get these situations. I'd have ripped his head off the first time he towered over her bellowing at her. I couldn't have helped myself. I would have made clear on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to be accepted. He'd think twice before he did it again. My instinct to protect my child determines my reaction, it's automatic. Do some people just not have this instinct?

Yeah it would be if you think he would be open to listening to it.

Maybe you can suggest some other ways to channel his stress? Can he play a video game or go to the gym or otherwise divert himself so he can stay calm around you and your daughter? Maybe even meditation.

If you talk and offer him all this help/options though and he continues to be like this then you do need to consider if its best to stay

You gave your dd some dry bread after skipping 2 meals. Most parents ask their child to try things then give them a sandwich/alternative if they won’t eat. Your behaviour toward your dd because you feared your partner’s reaction was very questionable. It’s a lot more than being too soft on him. Can’t you see that?

Apart from anything else, children don't feel very hungry in the heat.

Please stop appeasing him. Not only does it not work, it feeds into the control he has over you and your poor little daughter, the innocent in all this.

I left her dad because of the aggression she was witness to. I don't want her to grow up thinking its okay to yell at someone like that.

Unfortunately OP, it's too late for that. it sounds like you have just swapped one bully for another.

Your dd will grow up thinking that's normal and that's how women are treated by men.

Do you want her to end up with someone like your partner? Would you be happy for her to be treated the way you are? Is that what you want for the future?

If not, you need to break the cycle of aggressive men being her male role model.

@Mummyoflittledragon
she didn't skip two meals, she didn't eat all of her lunch but she has quite a big lunch so this wasn't really a concern.
The plain bread she loves- she'll only ever eat butter sandwiches anyway and if we have a 'posh' loaf she'll choose to eat it plain.

He hasn't always been like this- only recently. I love him & so does DD- and our little family works so well when he's not over stressed.

This is how it's going to be now, for as long as you're with him. These men don't go back, they can't, because this is how they really were all along, they just either hid it well or hadn't been challenged enough to bring it out of them.

I know someone who has had similar issues, although not quite as severe. The child is around 4 and has been unsettled by the arrival of a sibling, although the child does love the sibling. The father is frustrated by the challenging behaviour and also feels pressure to be the perfect family with a perfectly behaved child. They had a very big row but they now have some tactics to move forward now. They approached their health visitor for support in tactics to handle the challenging behaviour, they are trying to not cause drama where it is unnecessary e.g. Child has to brush their teeth but doesn't have to have a bath every night and if the child leaves their dinner so be it (particularly if they are already full from nursery) and father has to walk away and calm down if needed. I also sometimes think counselling as to why they feel the need to be perfect and how to avoid this affecting their child can be helpful. This will probably be particularly useful given he feels like he is struggling to bond with your daughter.

If you continue to be concerned by his behaviour then I would encourage you to consider removing him from your daughter's life. It can be so damaging. I really hope you can figure out a way forward together though. The first step is to make him take it seriously and recognise that his behaviour is not acceptable

OP.

My partner treats my daughter in a frightening and intimidating way despite me telling him not to.
Please advise, except if you ask me to leave as he's actually more important than my daughter.

There. Corrected.

But if he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong then why would he agree to parenting classes?

Has his behaviour changed with you? Is he more short tempered or aggressive towards you?

You say you think he feels guilty but won't admit it. That sounds like wishful thinking on your part. He doesn't sound like he feels guilty at all.

His behaviour towards your daughter will be damaging.

Plenty of people get stressed, it doesn't make them nasty towards children.

If you want to stay with him then I would be having immediate strong words. Once more and we're over type of conversation.

If he wipes with stress by bullying children then he needs to see a GP urgently. Does he realise how stressful a baby is?

OP, does your DH love your daughter?

You've said "he doesn't dislike her as such". That's not love or even liking her. You are not protecting your daughter or putting her first. I'm sorry, I know this is awful, but you're not being honest with yourself.

Maybe find him an outlet for his stress?

Family bonding trips so he feels less insecure?

Parenting courses?

If he starts shouting, pick your DD up and take her somewhere else. Tell him, calmly and firmly, "you need to calm down" or "she's a little girl". Don't allow him to make you rise to his level by screaming or shouting.

Is there something sudden that has triggered a change in his behaviour?

Have you ever thought about recording him when he’s doing this to your daughter and then replaying it once he has had a chance to calm down. It could be that he doesn’t really know quite how bad he is being with her

For me, it is essential that your DD sees you standing up for her. She needs to know that you have her back. He must apologise to her. She mustn't ever learn to blame herself for someone else's bad temper - I grew up with this, it's not good.

I second a parenting course. Things are going to get a lot more stressful with a new baby.

Good luck.

@Hidillyho

Have you ever thought about recording him when he’s doing this to your daughter and then replaying it once he has had a chance to calm down.

Very dangerous. I used to know someone who did this because her husband didn't believe how awful he was when he was drunk. She recorded him, played it back, and he went apeshit and physically attacked her for the first time ever, broke her arm.

OP it's not about running away at the 1st sign of your partner being stressed.

It is that you can't use stress as an excuse for frightening, intimidating behaviour towards another person, particularly a defenceless child

I'd say a good few of us have shouted at our DCs, I've done it and been remorseful. But picking on, shouting at, towering over them? No. It's bullying, unacceptable behaviour, and that's not in my nature. I wouldn't do that to my own DCs or anyone else's.

You don't seem capable of understanding that this man is making it very clear to you that he thinks very little of your DD. He bullies her because he wants to, and he can. He's no respect for you either.

Does his stress manifest in shouting at mates, siblings, work colleagues? I bet it doesn't - because he knows there will be consequences so he controls himself and saves the outbursts for behind closed doors. Picking on a child.

There will always be an excuse.."I was stressed".."she did this or that"...

What do you think your DDs childhood memories will be? Do you think she will conveniently forget?

Im an adult and if a man was towering over me shouting and swearing, my heart would be banging in my chest.

He's a grown man. Stop trying to mummy him. Watch and see if, of his own accord, he gets up and obtains parenting books. Commits himself to parenting classes and in conjunction with that, makes a conscious ongoing effort to be kind to your DD.

"Stress" indeed..I should think being pregnant and having all this to contend with, you are just as or even more stressed than he is. Hasn't made you into a bully though has it.

Good luck...

Aren't you concerned that a newborn will add to his 'stress' levels? Have you discussed the impact that a baby has on relationships and his lack of parenting skills so far? Because at the moment he isn't showing much potential. Your daughter must surely come first and at the moment he - and you - are both letting her down.

Have you considered what your bottom line would be about the way he treats your daughter? What your absolute walk-away moment would look like? Think about that carefully. I think those boundaries are going to become blurred and you will find yourself shifting the goalposts to avoid things.

Now think about what makes a good dad. What does this look like? What would make that relationship decent, strong, and positive? This should be your benchmark. Don't set your standards low, or they will be met :-(

So you took on more hours to earn more money when he moved in?so he took over drop offs? Does he work? Who earns more money?have you got yourself a cocklodger?

Your poor DD.
Stop making excuses for him.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR STANDING AND BELLOWING TO A 4 YEAR OLD.
What a fucking horrible man and a useless mother.

I don't think you can carry on your life with the rule that only you gets to set the rules. She's 4 and if you two are staying together, he needs to be able to be a proper parent. Parenting course is a good idea. He shouldn't be having towering over her and shouting as a go to response.
FWIW, I wouldn't choose either of your approaches for refusing to eat her dinner. I wouldn't shout and I certainly wouldn't swap the dinner for a piece of bread. If she wants to leave it, fine. I would encourage her to eat the veg / meat to make her strong but not make a big deal of it if she didn't.
How do you deal with her refusing to go to bed?