DPs behavior around DD

[TreeClimbingFishes]

Let me start by saying I do love DP very much, we are expecting our first child together in a few weeks, and he is a godsend around the house- he is anything but lazy and takes pride in having a tidy house. But

He's awful when he's stressed out. Gets so stressed over little things.
I don't like how he treats DD sometimes.
It's like he forgets she's only just turned 4 and doesn't understand things in the same way adults do.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

He swears around her if he gets frustrated with something.
He'll shout at her and tower over her if she's misbehaving, which I've told him not to do, that its too scary and unnecessary.
He thinks I'm far too soft on her and I nearly kicked him out the other day when he referred to her as a "brat".

I'm aware the most likely response on here is going to be "LTB" but that's not what I want to happen. I need to find some way of showing him that 4 year olds are not mini adults, that they don't see right and wrong as clear as black and white until a much older age.

He was amazing with her 3 years ago when he first moved in with us- but he ended up doing a lions share in dropping her off and collecting her from the childminders as I had to change to a better paying job which unfortunately meant I needed help in working and getting DD to childcare everyday. I think this has lead to a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I go on maternity leave in less than a week so I'll finally be able to do more with regards to getting DD to and from childcare- and I'm looking forward to it! I feel like I've missed out on everything he resents.

My ex and his new wife were really hard on my DDs, then when they had children together everything changed. Ex explained that 'they realised they'd been too rigid, but had learned that was wrong, felt bad about it, and were trying not to make the same mistakes with the new children'.

I suspect the new baby (his!) will be the apple of his eye, your DD will be an annoying nuisance for the rest of her childhood.

@OneStepSideways
I get her and myself ready in the mornings and leave him to his own devices- he'll make her lunch then drop her off. I get back about 20 minutes after they do and take over from him then too. It's literally just the 10 minute walk for drop offs for him, no faff before.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the responses so far- I am trying to answer everyones questions!

I agree with PP - that now you’re pregnant you’re seeing his true colours - is that when all this shit started?

Think properly about ALL of his behaviour over the last 6/7 months - be really objective.

Is he really as lovely as you thought but stressed? Or is he becoming more controlling and difficult and ‘stressed’ the further along your pregnancy gets?

Did I miss why he’s so stressed all of a sudden? Sorry if I missed that.

I'm baffled as to how you think you will change this man. I feel sorry for your DD, you're putting a man before her. She'll be a nervous wreck soon enough.

All this analysing about a grown man who is bullying a child ffs. I bet he doesn't shout swear and stress around mates and work colleagues.

If he were a woman he'd be slated - The Evil Stepmother. Well he's The Evil Stepfather

^ Exactly

Or is it ok because he's nice "sometimes".

I'm sure most of us have stressful times in life but don't choose to shout swear and tower over kids. Horrible people are just that. Stop making excuses.

Hopefully your DD will grow up and bail out asap. Then you can join the women on Gransnet wailing that they don't see their DD and grandkids but they did nothing to warrant it. Nothing at all.

Would you both be willing to go to some parenting classes together? Having a more neutral/third party put forward ideas could help.Or failing that try to read and discuss some parenting books so you can come to an agreed strategy on how to deal with behaviour? This sort of thing:www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-3297563-DPs-behavior-around-DD" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

You need to speak to him and tell him he is not being rational or fair about the childcare. You needed to take the longer hour job to improve life for everyone in the family (including him). You both need to find a way forward especially with the added dynamic of a new child.

@Merryoldgoat
I do think it is genuine stress- he's had a rough time at work these past 2 months and we've just moved house- which happened to happen at the same time his paydate changed by two weeks. He's been decorating and working his ass off- I've never seen him this tired or run down.

I think you are too soft on him, not on her.

I don't think any parent gets it right all the time, we snap and sometimes shout and so on.

But the problem here is his attitude to her- you are too soft, she is the worst behaved child ever (?), she's a 'brat'.

It's all incredibly negative and he dislikes her after walking with her for 10 min twice a day?

This has to change, otherwise you are going to have a 'golden child' (newborn with whom he will bond), a 'picked on' excluded 'naughty' child (your poor dd).

It is his overall dislike of your dd which is so problematic, not a one off misjudgement or mini-shout due to stress and frustration.

Of course you don't want to leave, you are having a baby with him, and you have an idea of an ideal family- but is this family ideal for your existing dd? Probably not, not at all.

@kikashi
I really like the idea of parenting classes together- that way its more of a thing for us to do together rather than me just standing there essentially telling him he's crap.

@MistressDeeCee
Bit unnecessary- nothing very constructive in your post. I can see where you're coming from but as I said this is a new change in his behavior. This isn't common or normal. I'd like to resolve the problems, not just give up and walk away. He's done a lot for us both, and we are happy the majority of the time.

@Summersup
I agree, I think its him I'm too soft with especially regarding this.
I don't think he dislikes her as such- but there is a lot of resentment there.

I wouldn't treat the dinner refusal exactly like that (we have a lot of this, but we go with "that's what's for dinner" "oh dear I'll eat it then" and trying to be calm while not offering alternatives. If they taste everything and eat a moderate amount of the part we know they like they get fruit for pudding).

The rest of it no, too harsh. He may need to be specifically told to get down on her level.

Leaving children at/taking them to the CM or nursery can be a hassle in itself. It's stressful (don't want to walk, don't want to stay at CM, crying, stopping to pick up sticks, sitting down on the pavement, sitting down in a puddle etc. etc.). But if you only did easy and fun things with children and never had to make them get ready for bed/go out the door/walk anywhere/leave you to go to anything else, parenting would be easy!

I'd get those parenting classes then asap, as you know a new baby can be stressful.

MyRelationshipIsWeird in my experience children learn majority without being corrected or instructed. Vast majority is copying behaviour, not directly immediately but relationships/communication / behaviour.

She refused to eat any dinner yesterday, after having not eaten much lunch either. Apparently I'm "weak" for caving in eventually and giving her a plain slice of bread- I didn't want her to go to bed hungry.

To me this is not you being soft on her, just a reasonable compromise. It is not like you gave her ice-cream as soon as she said she didn't want dinner. Unless you said "you have to eat your dinner or you can't have anything else" and then gave her something else (and this was something you kept doing, ie underminding yourself).

The real issue for me is that he doesn’t acknowledge that he’s being unreasonable and unpleasant to your daughter.

My DH and I sometimes get tired or stressed and behave less than perfectly. However when the other one pulls us up in it we acknowledge we behaved badly, apologise to DS and feel bad. We don’t tell the other one they’re wrong.

On balance I think you partner resents your daughter and I see no easy solution. I’d be walking but I appreciate that’s easy for me to say as I’m not in your position.

You say 'pay date', so does he work, what does he do, what hours does he do?

Are you supporting him with your better paid job? How is your maternity planned?

Crosspost - if you think he resents her you have no business being with him. Sorry but your daughter should trump everything, especially as her father gave her such a terrible start.

If he resents her, you're doomed.

That's an extraordinarily negative way to view an innocent child.

I feel really sorry for your dd tbh

She is stuck in a house with a bloke who bullies her and dislikes her and a new baby’s coming along to usurp her. You don’t need to be a child psychologist to suspect that her ‘bad’ behaviour will be exacerbated by all this and that his ott responses will escalate because he’ll have the added excuse of ‘she was waking/annoying/hurting the baby’

But you’ve decided that this prick who bullies and namecalls a little defenceless 4 yo is the guy of your dreams, idk what to say to that really

@WaggyMama
doesn't everyone have a pay date? As in the day you get paid monthly? he works in an office 9-5 style but they allow him to be flexible with start and end times hence why he's able to do drop offs and pick ups. I earn less than him considerably and he will obviously be the main source of financial income when I'm on maternity.

I think he does feel guilty- he just won't admit it.

Hi OP I too am concerned he’s ramping up his behaviour now your pregnant. He is really going to affect your daughter if he carries on like this. I was brought up in fear and it didn’t leave me any good messages about men. I went onto have abusive relationships.
You are picking up the slack for him by taking over from him as soon as your home. You seem to be walking on eggs shells with him. Does he tell you what to do. Do you find yourself sorting things out “so they won’t be a problem for him.”
His childhood may have a bearing too - maybe he did as he was told because he had too. We don’t know.
You have been in a previously abusive relationship. Just do the Freedom Programme on line £10 I think - you may or may not recognise more traits in your partner.
How will he cope with a crying baby. Will the child be allowed to cry or will it get on his nerves. Is he ok with breast feeding. What about night time feeding. Is he excited about the baby.
Do you have some of your own support that you can share this with others.
Look after yourself and congratulations.

Having a baby is going to create stress in his life like he's never felt. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like when there's 2 kids plus you having to depend on him more? [shudder]

He's voiced to me before that it makes him sad he doesn't have the bond with DD that I do.
It's really not surprisingly considering how he's treating her and then you say this:
I don't think he dislikes her as such- but there is a lot of resentment there

Seriously? Why on earth are you with this man who doesn't really like your child. She should be and have always been your priority. But you've made him the priority.
Please have a long Deep think about this. Being a single parent is a better prospect than putting children through life with parents who don't like them and don't treat them well.

I think he doesn't love your dd and this is going to become very, very obvious when the new baby arrives. He'll pass it off as 'she's the oldest, she should be the sensible one, setting an example' but, I suspect, will treat her as an irritating servant - Cinderella essentially.

What to do. Well, he'd have to recognise there was a problem to be willing to work on it. If he acknowledges an is unhappy about her not recognising him as her parent, this could be starting point for parenting classes.

He needs to recognise that you are a family, about to have four members. If, in his mind, you're his partner and the mother to his baby, before anything else, that is how things will end up - you as mother to his baby, in a different household.

Obvious things in the meantime would be that, when he feels stressed and irritable and likely to react to her, or interject in your parenting, he leaves the room. Any parenting disagreements are discussed after she's gone to bed, never in front of her. He needs to learn to focus on the behaviour, not the person - no ad hominem attacks. So 'we don't do that / that's not good behaviour' not 'you are a brat'.

DEECEE is bang on though TreeClimbingFishes She really is. Sorry :(

You are allowing this man to treat your daughter badly. He has changed now that he has you trapped (pregnant)

He's been living with you for 3 years.

Most abusers average about 2 before showing themselves for what they are. So he's not 'nicer', he's more controlled, more manipulative, more scheming. The trigger points for people like him are moving in/engagements/weddings etc. The BEST one is to get her pregnant, because then she really IS trapped for real physically if she is not the one in charge of the finances, and emotionally because you will now be linked with this creature for the rest of your natural life, and your child will be blighted by having this guy as a father. Trust me, that's the gift that never stops giving. it hurts DAILY when you know you have a shit person for the father of the person you love most in the world.

Your daughter is being treated badly, you are enabling it by allowing it to continue.

He can't change, because he is who he is, you won't ever stop him trying to manipulate you all, undermine you as a parent (telling you that you are too soft etc, she's a brat)

YOU CAN HOWEVER.

Get wise, get the financial details in order and get the hell out of this situation now. For your DD and for both your DC. For YOU too.

I'm on your side, but you have to do the right thing. the right thing is to put your DD first and to protect your DC from him.

He's not the man you have been led to believe he is.

this is a new change in his behavior. This isn't common or normal

This is your new normal. trust me. it will only ever get worse.