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Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 05/07/2018 06:46

I don't really get the point in being friends with an ex who you don't have children with. I mean there was a connection there at some point, remaining friends is just a good way to keep them on the back burner incase nothing better turns to, for either side. And let's face it, a lot of people do that

Err no... I’m friends with my ex because we’re, well, friends. We split because our lives were heading in different directions and we had become friends rather than a couple. No big arguments, no dislike on either side. We liked each other a lot but were no longer attracted to each other. We’re still not attracted to each other, and still like each other, so we’re friends.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 05/07/2018 06:53

My ex was like this, it then went from no contact to exes to then no friends of the opposite sex and eventually got to the point that if I went to the shop and I took longer than 10 mins I was obviously cheating, he needs to run as fast as he can in my opinion

cherrytrees123 · 05/07/2018 07:00

This is interesting. My daughter has two exes who are great friends. They are a source of support to her. She is in another relationship now but none of them are jealous. His past relationships do not sound lengthy or meaningful anyway, he just keeps in touch. I would say that is a good thing and shows maturity. In the case of longer relationships which were meaningful, why wouldn't you keep in touch with an ex so long as neither partner is longing for the other or still in love I don't see the problem. I think you need to grow up.

mindutopia · 05/07/2018 07:10

I can’t even count how many exes I’m friends with on social media. Five? Six maybe? When you’re an adult, you have a past and if you can behave like a thoughtful responsible grown up, there’s no reason you can’t maintain those friendships without accidentally having sex with any of them. My dh and I actually went to the wedding of one very serious ex. I was with this guy for 5 years, we lived together, etc. But it ended, neither of us has any interest at all in being with the other (or else we wouldn’t be married to other people) and I’ve become really good friends with his wife. If my dh had told me when we met that I had to cut off all contact with my exes, several of whom were in social circles it would have been hard to avoid, it would have been a massive red flag. I would have showed him where the door was! You sound terribly insecure. If this relationship isn’t working, then end it and find someone you do want to be with.

PremierNaps · 05/07/2018 07:22

Even with your major drip feed you are still irrational and controlling.

Graphista · 05/07/2018 07:23

"I trust him" no you REALLY don't.

What you need to properly consider is if you have GENUINE REASON not to trust him.

If you don't, you need to find a way to get a grip.

Yabvu, controlling and obsessive.

If someone is going to cheat they'll cheat no matter what! My ex was army, we split due to his cheating. People used to say to me did I not worry about his cheating while on deployment or on training exercises etc. My answer even then was the same and when he did cheat it was literally on the doorstep - with a ndn & supposed friend!

But I've other ex's who were faithful, who stayed in touch with ex's because they were still friends. I've stayed friends with ex's and not cheated.

It actually says he's probably a decent guy - because if he was a cheat, bully, abusive they wouldn't want to stay in touch!

"He stays in touch for an ego boost and to ensure he could resurrect things if it went tits up with me." Why do you say this? What evidence is there of this?

And do you see all his ex's as "promiscuous" ?

He's done nothing wrong, but if you keep on like this either he'll dump you or he will cheat because it'll become a self fulfilling prophecy where he thinks 'I'm getting blamed for it anyway may as well get some fun out of it'

Skyejuly · 05/07/2018 07:24

Ibdont actively engage conversation with an ex but I would say hello and a quick chat if I did see them x

Battleax · 05/07/2018 07:26

I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past

When they had consensual sex with a single man? The sex-crazed slavering hussies Hmm

You’re a controlling arsehole. Sort yourself out.

madeyemoodysmum · 05/07/2018 07:29

Yabu. My dh ex came to our wedding I also have fb friends that are ex's.

You need help for your issue or it WILL drive you apart.

Battleax · 05/07/2018 07:30

The reality is you feel jealous and insecure with your partner and that is horrible for you.

Oh do me a favour. That’s the excuse made for EVERY abusive partner. Occasional jealousy is natural. The trick is to get a grip on yourself, NOT denigrate completely blameless women, NOT allow yourself to behave unreasonably and NOT be controlling.

BertieBotts · 05/07/2018 07:37

Your standards and values are so different I'm not sure you're well suited.

It clearly bothers you that he's slept around more than you'd like, but in reality there is nothing wrong with his past behaviour, and nothing wrong with remaining in contact with people he's had casual sex with. I think you'd be more suited to somebody who sees sex as a very serious step and has only had a few sexual partners who he has made a clean break with and doesn't want to see any more. That seems to be how you see sex/relationships so it's not going to work well if you're expecting it from him when he has such a different view.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 05/07/2018 07:46

Ah, I see, exes (ie women) are promiscuous tarts, but your BF is a "lad".
Stop being a loon op. This will eat you up. Example. I know someone well. Her husband was engaged when a teenager. When they met he'd been split for 4 years.Ex pops up on FB.(he has a business and she saw him on local selling site) Very innocent convos (which she showed me including messages which he showed her) she's married, kids. Friend is eaten up by this. A few glasses of wine and she's off. Why is she contacting him? Why is he replying? They have been married 35 years! Not a sniff of him wanting to meet the woman or being unfaithful.
This jealousy will eat you up. Stop it.

FuckPants · 05/07/2018 07:55

I think your boyfriend needs to LTB and you need to grow up and work on your insecurity.

DiddimusStench · 05/07/2018 08:00

racked up
bedding

Anybody else pulling a face like they’ve smelled a monkeys armpit?

So your boyfriend was a ‘lad’ but the girls are ‘eager’. Ok then.

Armchairanarchist · 05/07/2018 08:03

Do you seriously think you're behaving rationally? My ex is my closest friend, DH adores him too. You need a virgin if you can't be comfortable with your partner's past.

FrustratedBeyond · 05/07/2018 08:06

I am actually friends with my DH's last girlfriend on FB and we've never met lmao... We chat about our children, our lives and get on really well. I've never been jealous, he just didn't know me when he was with her! He can't stand her lol

gamerwidow · 05/07/2018 08:09

OP if you were a man and your BF was posting i here i would be giving him the number for women’s aid and advising him to leave.
He can be friends with whoever he wants. He can talk to whoever he wants. He doesn’t owe you and explanation and he doesn’t have to indulge your insecurities by trying to understand them.
No one can compel someone to cheat if they don’t want to. If he was a cheater he would just as likely stray with someone new than someone from his past. If you don’t trust him then leave instead of making all these ridiculous rules.

Nikephorus · 05/07/2018 08:13

It actually says he's probably a decent guy - because if he was a cheat, bully, abusive they wouldn't want to stay in touch!
This ^^

clippityclock · 05/07/2018 08:16

You are being abusive, controlling and quite frankly sound like a very nasty woman. Your boyfriend needs to leave you quickly before you destroy his self confidence. I'm pretty sure you will probably end up hitting him.

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

Read the above link - controlling who he speaks to and sees is abuse!

rainingcatsanddog · 05/07/2018 08:25

Having read your updates U can't help but wonder why you're with him.

It's perfectly reasonable to want a loyal guy who wouldn't have his head turned by other women but your post smacks of blaming the other women rather than your partner for this. However good looking this guy is, I wouldn't want to feel half as insecure as you're feeling right now. You have to realise that you can't prevent your man from cheating. A person who wants to cheat will do exactly that whether he has 12 hours a day away from you or 12 minutes.

Most people can remain friends with an ex if it didn't end badly. If you wanted a partner who never spoke to an ex that they'd slept with then you'd have to limit yourself to dating virgins and hope that they're not wondering what sex would be like with other people.

Mightymelon · 05/07/2018 08:30

DP Still has a tiny bit of contact with ExW they were together for eight years and as she was nurse training and her first H was in prison for beating seven shades of shit out of her and her tiny baby DP did a lot of childcare for her son.

We saw her in Tesco the other week. She is lovely. Works for the same MAT as me and we exchanged pleasantries.
DP sent her jobs in her field when they came up, as I told him about them and they are illusive (psychiatry related field)

They don’t ignore eachother.
Why would you ignore someone you lived with for almost ten years x

Mightymelon · 05/07/2018 08:34

I’ve had three proper relationships
1 was a violent cunt so I don’t see him
2 was one of my best friends from school, who I think is brilliant but actually should never have been in a relationship with
3 is current DP
I’m in touch with 2 because he was my friend- and I liked him for that.
I wasn’t in love with him and it was a bizzare match of convenience. I’m also really good friends with his sister!

DeadGood · 05/07/2018 08:41

Your partner will be finding your jealously incredibly unattractive.

It also hands him a lot of power.

LadyRussell · 05/07/2018 08:54

For a while I was actually good friends with my DH ex wife and mother of his children.

We fell out but it was nothing to do with DH.

Ohyesiam · 05/07/2018 09:00

It’s hard if you’ve been hurt. But yes it is controlling.
The ex model comment speaks volumes, you could try working on your self esteem , I found therapy helped lots.

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