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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU neighbour using MIL’s garden whenever she feels like it!

174 replies

mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 15:25

Been stewing on this. Stayed round the in laws at the weekend, MIL and FIL went out to the shops for their usual morning walk and left DH and I having coffee in the kitchen.
Kitchen has double doors that lead out to the garden, we had one open a tiny bit (this is relevant) but you couldn’t see from the outside that they were open.

Next door neighbour suddenly appears in garden pegging her washing onto in-laws line. DH and I were a bit bemused but thought maybe it was an agreement between in laws and neighbour. I went out to say good morning anyway, and she looked a bit surprised we were there but made small talk and didn’t really acknowledge the fact that she was in the in-laws garden.
When MIL came back I mentioned it and she said oh yes she keeps doing that, the other day when the door was open she wandered in and put the kettle on!
MIL isn’t timid or quiet at all, in fact DH’s family can be quite a force to be reckoned with, but I think she was so shocked the first time she did it, she didn’t say anything about it and now when she’s said something, neighbour apparently brushes it off by saying “oh but you don’t mind though it’s such a small thing that really helps me out”
FIL has made a few comments to the neighbour and asked her politely not to do it - seems like she now waits for them to go out (they are creatures of routine) and does what she likes anyway. So they often come back and find the washing on their line

We are still there and I want to go and knock and tell the neighbour to pack it in - I don’t normally seek out confrontation but I’m stunned at the gall of this woman! DH isn’t sure whether to get involved or not seeing as in-laws have tried to play it down a bit but I know MIL and I can see it’s really bothering her!
AIBU to go and do it anyway? I think DH is worried about coming across as intimidating as he’s quite a big fella, which is where his hesitation is coming from...

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 03/07/2018 18:52

Washing should be unpegged and returned to neighbour with a note saying please don’t hang your washing on our line. Repeat as necessary. If she comes into the home a form, I’m sorry, but you don’t live here, please leave ... and repeat as necessary. If your mil goes out and locks the door then I don’t see how neighbour can get in.
And yes, a lock on the gate. Don’t leave any pegs out just in case!

fuzzyfozzy · 03/07/2018 18:54

Can you ask a neighbour if they know a Margie

GlassSuppers · 03/07/2018 19:07
Confused Sounds very suspect.

If you think she may have a mental health issue then firmly telling her she doesn't live here is NOT the way to go. That will confuse her even more.

Go along with what she believes as best you can and be kind.
Dementia and mental health issues are very scary for the sufferer as they don't know what's real and what's not.

I'd be trying to get in touch with her next of kin to see if they can shed any light on it.

Confrontation isn't the way to go here.

nervousnails · 03/07/2018 19:10

Please please put a lock on the gate and mend the fence. This situation has potential to become worse.

Nanny0gg · 03/07/2018 19:19

If you can’t get hold of family have a word with the GP. They can’t break confidentiality but should be able to help

Original poster
mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 19:37

@Glassslippers I do appreciate that, and we were very polite and not unkind, but surely we can't be expected to just go along with her behaviour if her behaviour is upsetting MIL?
Although MIL is "chummy" with her, it's in a chit chat way and not in a properly close way - she only knows that the lady has a son and he lives in America but no further details for him. He hasn't been to visit ever as far as MIL has seen.
What else can we do? I know it sounds awful, but it's not fair on MIL and FIL to have to be responsible for this lady if she is unwell - they're not young themselves! I guess if it continues and it does seem like she is unwell, we will have to get in touch with somebody - maybe social services like previous posters have suggested.

I don't mean to come across nastily btw, and wouldn't do anything knowingly to upset her, but at the same time we can't just let her wander in and out as she pleases.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 19:37

Thanks @nanny0gg I will bear that in mind. I think I'm more worried now that we've spoken to her Confused

OP posts:
GlassSuppers · 03/07/2018 19:44

I totally understand OP and I'd feel the same if she were in my garden, my comment was in response to somebody else advising you to tell her firmly she doesn't live there.

She definitely can't keep going in to the garden and certainly not in the house!!

I'm probably bias as I've seen how my ladies and gents get when they're confused and when people try to correct them it's heart breaking. You can see the confusion and fear on their face.

I'd definitely be keeping an eye on her and contact SS if things progress and she carries on despite asking her not to.

Tricky isn't it!

Original poster
mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 19:49

thanks @glasssuppers sorry autocorrect wanted you to be slippers earlier!

It is difficult, and I sort of feel like I've waded in and made it my problem when it didn't need to be, so I shouldn't complain. I don't want to make it worse, and I definitely don't want someone (potentially) unwell to suffer alone if they don't have anyone, without any care or support, but it's knowing where the line is.

I think I will definitely take the advice here and if it continues, contact social services - GP is a good idea, but not sure how I'd find her GP - I don't even know her last name.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 19:52

and that does sound truly heartbreaking @glasssuppers I don't blame you for being a bit biased about it and automatically going into protective mode!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 03/07/2018 20:02

I agree this now sounds like a MH issue, which needs to be handled carefully. Obviously not nice for the neighbour, but equally MIL can’t have someone using her garden. I think securing the garden is the best move going forward.

Pippylou · 03/07/2018 20:08

Community mental health team might be an option. She may already be known to them.

crispysausagerolls · 03/07/2018 20:17

Pippylou

I had a neighbour with serious MH issues and the community MH team knew and did nothing to help her. She continually came off her meds and abused other neighbours and nothing was done. I don’t find them to be very helpful - the MH support in this country is terrible.

CourtneyLovely · 03/07/2018 20:19

It does sound like a MH issue but OP is right, it's not her IL's problem to fix.

Shizzlestix · 03/07/2018 20:22

Regardless of the issues the neighbour has, this has upset your pil and she obviously can’t be allowed to continue. My neighbour clearly has very serious mental health issues, there’s been a lot of police/council involvement. The situation couldn’t continue, particularly as her son and daughter refused to acknowledge the issues.

Marmablade · 03/07/2018 20:24

My MIL can be rude and oblivious coming across as dotty. She's just completely unaware of conventions and does what she likes because she wants to.

So it could be something serious or she could be equally oblivious

Pippylou · 03/07/2018 20:44

Yeah, I know but I live in hope it's better in some places. Problem is that you can't make someone take meds (without a section, happy to be corrected) and nowadays there are so many people in crisis that they tend to only firefight.

However, it's worth mentioning as it really isn't the Pil's fight to have and it's best if it's at least mentioned to the MH Team, if things deteriorate, they can't say they didn't know.

crispysausagerolls · 03/07/2018 20:50

pippylou

You are quite right - when I had to see the police about her behaviour they explained how many issues they have due to the lack of MH support and the fact people can’t be made to take meds etc and there is nowhere for them to go for support. Creates huge problems for the police apparently as they get called out a lot to handle issues which really they can’t do anything about! Very much hope that it’s better elsewhere as you say!

Original poster
mmmgoats · 03/07/2018 20:52

Thanks for the suggestions. If I did have to contact the mental health team would i need much info about the lady in question?
As we aren't staying much longer, I'd like to leave PIL with a bit of an action plan of steps to take if these incidents keep happening.
I googled the local team and it has one star in reviews so I'm not holding out too much hope but it's worth a try if things carry on.

OP posts:
Ariela · 03/07/2018 21:26

I'd try and find out the son in America's phone number, call him and say you are concerned about her. You caould ask after him and establish his name, where he lives etc and maybe ask if she has his number or see if you can find him online

However there is another reason that this could be happening if only in the last month or so: dehydration. This can lead to confusion.
I'd maybe get chatty and offer her some drinks/

queenrollo · 03/07/2018 21:38

It may just be a phrase but I wonder if her reference to God might indicate she has a faith and possibly attends church. If she does then your IL's could approach them with their concerns.

I once had a customer who clearly declined over a period of a few months but I didn't know how to contact her family, or which of our town GP's she registered with. What I did know was that she saw a chiropodist before she came to me - so I contacted them with my concerns and they notified her GP as they had the details on file. (It actually backed up their own observations so they were grateful for my contact)

I hope you can find a way to help this lady and resolve things for your family too.

pandamodium · 03/07/2018 21:44

Mmm would she have the same catchment GP as your MIL?

Possibly worth a ring, I'd suggest the crisis team but most are as useless as a chocolate teapot these days. Plus there may be no known issues iyswim? might not even be MH related.

I wouldn't directly involve yourself and try and avoid confrontation in case she lashes out. It's not fair on you or your PIL.

I know it isn't your responsibility but probably the best way to safely deal with things.

Benandhollysmum · 03/07/2018 22:22

There is many reasons why this is happening
The neighbour is lonely and looking for company so does what she does for attention and/or looking for someone to talk to
Or she is mentally ill

GlassSuppers · 03/07/2018 22:50

Ariela

Dehydration is a good shout.

UTIs also make people act odd, the two go hand in hand..

MrsCrabbyTree · 03/07/2018 23:19

In hindsight, one of the first indicators that my mum was getting dementia, was her planting flowers in the next door unit's garden. And unfortunately she also used to pull out anything that she didn't like which the neighbour planted. Mum had reverted to when she used to actually do the gardening for a different neighbour who once lived in that particular unit and no-one could convince her that she was not to do so any longer. It was a sad but funny situation, the first of many.