AIBU neighbour using MIL’s garden whenever she feels like it!

[mmmgoats]

Been stewing on this. Stayed round the in laws at the weekend, MIL and FIL went out to the shops for their usual morning walk and left DH and I having coffee in the kitchen.
Kitchen has double doors that lead out to the garden, we had one open a tiny bit (this is relevant) but you couldn’t see from the outside that they were open.

Next door neighbour suddenly appears in garden pegging her washing onto in-laws line. DH and I were a bit bemused but thought maybe it was an agreement between in laws and neighbour. I went out to say good morning anyway, and she looked a bit surprised we were there but made small talk and didn’t really acknowledge the fact that she was in the in-laws garden.
When MIL came back I mentioned it and she said oh yes she keeps doing that, the other day when the door was open she wandered in and put the kettle on!
MIL isn’t timid or quiet at all, in fact DH’s family can be quite a force to be reckoned with, but I think she was so shocked the first time she did it, she didn’t say anything about it and now when she’s said something, neighbour apparently brushes it off by saying “oh but you don’t mind though it’s such a small thing that really helps me out”
FIL has made a few comments to the neighbour and asked her politely not to do it - seems like she now waits for them to go out (they are creatures of routine) and does what she likes anyway. So they often come back and find the washing on their line

We are still there and I want to go and knock and tell the neighbour to pack it in - I don’t normally seek out confrontation but I’m stunned at the gall of this woman! DH isn’t sure whether to get involved or not seeing as in-laws have tried to play it down a bit but I know MIL and I can see it’s really bothering her!
AIBU to go and do it anyway? I think DH is worried about coming across as intimidating as he’s quite a big fella, which is where his hesitation is coming from...

I'd be taking the washing down now and leaving it under her washing line.
Would also see about the cost of putting trellis along the top of the fence and gate to give more height to stop her climbing over

If you/they can afford it, it may be time to fit a full size fence and gate!

Be careful - agree with PPs that it could be early onset dementia / MH issue / problem with social skills or boundaries. Don’t be threatening, be polite but firm.

Nice to see a thread on MN where someone gets on well with ILs and cares about them 😊

Wow I would definitely say something before you leave OP, this needs to stop immediately.

I would just take down the line if I could between uses. They might just never come over again.

If they did, and asked why I'd done it I would say, "it kept getting bird poo on it, and also you kept using it which I didn't like"

Neighbour would then hopefully go back home wondering how much pooed-on laundry she has, also hopefully realising that she had annoyed me.

Are your in-laws quite fit and healthy? How about removing the line and getting a rotary one instead? They could keep it inside/in the shed and only get it out when they need it.
Failing that, lock gate(why is there a gate anyway- it's not usual to have a gate between houses unless there's a shared access) and raise fences or put trellis up to make it too high to step over.

I work with dementia sufferers, they wouldn't purposely wait for your PIL to go out before doing something like this, they would also be shocked to see them when they put the kettle on as they would assume it was their kitchen. Unless she knows she has it and is covering it up.

That being said, she may just do her washing at the same time as PIL go out and it's a coincidence she does it while they're not there.

Agree that if dementia was the case, the CF wouldn't be waiting until PILs go out ... surely not a coincidence that she only ever has washing ready to go out at the same time they leave the house. Hope you put a stop to it OP, hate CFs.

It's lovely to hear a Dil who is friends with her mil, and concerned about her. .

If I were your in-laws, I'd be tramping the CF's washing into the ground and chucking it back over the fence! Wow. Some people have no shame, do they.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to tell them to pack in.

Have you got anything big (sheets. towel?) that you could dampen down and pop out to say that you're sorry but you need the washing line - but no worries as she has her own, and then just start unpegging her stuff and helping her take it down before she can protest? Or if she's not there - just take it down and put something else up - get into her garden, put it on a table in the garden where it's not particularly clean, or try to walk into her house and give her a fright - anything to make her think twice about tdoing this again!!

I work with dementia sufferers, they wouldn't purposely wait for your PIL to go out before doing something like this, they would also be shocked to see them when they put the kettle on as they would assume it was their kitchen

Agreed. I wish people would stop diagnosing dementia based on the slightest hint of oddity.

“Don’t peg your washing here” bunting?
Cheery, yet to the point

Another one saying your dh being big is an advantage here. Be nice but be firm with neighbours. No coming into the garden or house without permission each time.

I initially thought dementia too - from the wandering in and putting the kettle on. Early onset maybe?

bunbunny Just suppose this woman actually has an,as yet,undiagnosed condition eg dementia, mental health problems?
Would you feel happy with your advice,especially if you'd carried it out?

Dementia is far more than gradually losing your memory.Ditto a whole range of conditions.

Some 'advice' on here is just unkind.

No tricks , no throwing washing over fences , you need to just tell her !

No throwing of washing, just go and see her. Say you are worried as it’s such odd behaviour to completely ignore someone’s requests to respect their space. Say you are sure she doesn’t want them to get cross but they will just remove the washing next time and that she certainly is not welcome to come in and put the kettle on uninvited!!

Err, No... we are not saying that as there is a hint of oddity it must be dementia. We are saying that because the hint of oddity (and I know from personal experience it can happen), it could be dementia/MH issues. Also, yes, this could be Cheeky Fuckery of the highest level. All we are saying is tread carefully, and be sure you know what you are dealing with OP.

She wandered in and put the kettle on?! Fucking hell,talk about cheeky.

What kind of washing line is it? Can it be removed when not in use by your ILs?

I wish people would stop diagnosing dementia based on the slightest hint of oddity.

Walking into someone else's house to make a cup of tea is hardly the slightest fucking hint of oddity, now is it?

Some dementia is known to cause selfish and self centred behaviour or in MN language CFery. It's isn't all just memory loss.

OP chances are it is just brass neck but on the off chance I would rule out medical grounds.

*Walking into someone else's house to make a cup of tea is hardly the slightest fucking hint of oddity, now is it?

Some dementia is known to cause selfish and self centred behaviour or in MN language CFery. It's isn't all just memory loss*

To be fair, I was meaning more generally about dementia / early onset dementia being thrown into topics. But still, none of this - based on the information we have including the neighbours reactions and apparent calculated behaviour and in the absence of cognitive testing or brain scans - presents like an early dementia picture but of course the OP with the help of mumsnet can make a full assessment and 'rule out medical grounds'.

What are the ILs meant to do though, even if this is illness or dementia? Do they just have to put up with neighbour wandering in and out of their house and garden? What if she makes a sandwich next time? Or has a bath?

Surely it's not their problem to deal with and what can they do anyway? I wouldn't have a clue who my neighbour's dr is for example, so couldn't alert them and really, would SS take any notice?

I can't see that anyone expects neighbours to deal with this behaviour or to just accept that at any moment someone might wander into your home and put the kettle on. She'll be getting into bed with them next!

Hello, thanks for all the advice and sorry to stir up any bad feeling about dementia - not my intention.

We waited until she came back to collect her washing as thought that would be less intimidating. DH and I went out and asked her politely not to keep using the washing line as it wasn’t her property and MIL needs it. We also said that there would be a lock on the gate this week as MIL and FIL have been wanting to get one anyway.

She was quite pleasant although a little put out and said something about it all being god’s land, but then she also said Margie said it was fine. MIL is not called Margie and has lived there for years so not sure who she was referring to.
This exchange has made me think there is more to it than just cheeky fuckery as it does not seem like a normal reaction.
We did say that we don’t know who Margie is but she doesn’t live here so maybe she has got confused. She did a lot of sighing and tutting and almost seemed like she was laughing at us at one point, there’s definitely something off with her manner as well as her behaviour.
I have a feeling this won’t be the last of it.
I’m not suggesting this is dementia by the way, but it does seem like a somewhat confused reaction.

Going to see if it happens again tomorrow morning now that we’ve spoken to her and then we will have to decide what else to do.