AIBU neighbour using MIL’s garden whenever she feels like it!

[mmmgoats]

Been stewing on this. Stayed round the in laws at the weekend, MIL and FIL went out to the shops for their usual morning walk and left DH and I having coffee in the kitchen.
Kitchen has double doors that lead out to the garden, we had one open a tiny bit (this is relevant) but you couldn’t see from the outside that they were open.

Next door neighbour suddenly appears in garden pegging her washing onto in-laws line. DH and I were a bit bemused but thought maybe it was an agreement between in laws and neighbour. I went out to say good morning anyway, and she looked a bit surprised we were there but made small talk and didn’t really acknowledge the fact that she was in the in-laws garden.
When MIL came back I mentioned it and she said oh yes she keeps doing that, the other day when the door was open she wandered in and put the kettle on!
MIL isn’t timid or quiet at all, in fact DH’s family can be quite a force to be reckoned with, but I think she was so shocked the first time she did it, she didn’t say anything about it and now when she’s said something, neighbour apparently brushes it off by saying “oh but you don’t mind though it’s such a small thing that really helps me out”
FIL has made a few comments to the neighbour and asked her politely not to do it - seems like she now waits for them to go out (they are creatures of routine) and does what she likes anyway. So they often come back and find the washing on their line

We are still there and I want to go and knock and tell the neighbour to pack it in - I don’t normally seek out confrontation but I’m stunned at the gall of this woman! DH isn’t sure whether to get involved or not seeing as in-laws have tried to play it down a bit but I know MIL and I can see it’s really bothering her!
AIBU to go and do it anyway? I think DH is worried about coming across as intimidating as he’s quite a big fella, which is where his hesitation is coming from...

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd fix the panel and get a lock for the gate and I'd hope that would be enough to deter her. Then wait and see.

I can understand your iLs being too shocked at first to say anything, but if they are the type to normally speak up and haven't, I'd be wondering why. Do they ever ask her for neighbourly favours (taking in parcels, watching the house on holidays, etc) and they don't want to rock that boat?

My mum was the type to speak up too. But as she got older she seemed to get more 'timid' for some reason and people started taking advantage of her. My brother and I finally had to step in. We also told Mum to tell all and sundry that she would have to 'talk to my children' before making any decisions and she'd turn it over to us to 'handle'.

[CookieSue222]

A person in the early stages of dementia (or as others have suggested MH issues) would appear lucid (if this is the case here), as they genuinely believe they are doing something totally acceptable. Bizarre as it may seem to many.
Aggression would solve nothing, especially if their partner was in denial or was trying to excuse/pass off their behaviour as normal. Do they have any children you can speak to?

[CoffeeOrSleep]

Go unpeg it, get your DH to take it over and say his parents don't want other people using the line, they've asked her nicely, so this is the last time they ask her not to use the line, and last time they bring the washing they've bin bagged round, they'll be putting it in the bin.

Tell your MIL to just unpeg it each time she finds it and make the neighbour ask for it back.

[sociopathsunited]

I'd just un-peg the load and dump it over the fence on her side, on the ground. Then tell her she's not free to wander in and out of the garden OR house without an invitation. If she persists, get a dog. A big dog.

[RevRichardWayneGaryWayne]

Although i'm not pretending to know much about dementia, but if it was that would she have started to wait for PIL to go out once she had been asked to stop?

I think either way for now I would fix the fence and fit a lock on the gate. That seems like it should stop it in a non-confrontational way.

If it continues after that then I reckon speak to the family and try to find out if there are underlying issues.

[Sweetpea55]

Does she have any family at home or other relies you can speak to?
Sounds like she may have dementia,,,

[mmmgoats]

I dont want to respond with any washing throwing etc I think that would make things worse! As deserved as it might be.

She lives alone apparently - another reason I’m worried about coming off as threatening. Not sure why she has so much washing for just one person, but maybe I’m just a terrible slattern in comparison!

We are here for one more night so will have a further chat to MIL but in the mean time DH will fix the fence while I Iounge in said garden in the sun. Providing I bring him a beer after

[Iamtryingtobenicehere]

Fix that fence, put a lock on the gate and throw the laundry back over the fence if the cf continues after you tell her to stop.
No, in fact, keep the washing, make her knock for it and tell her it’s on the blooming bonfire when she knocks!

[YearOfYouRemember]

Send DH or one of you needs to do to the neighbour what she's doing to your MIL. Best way to get the point across as long as nonchalant neighbour doesn't mind.

[AmericanEskimoDoge]

If she's only in her late 50's (or maybe early 60's), dementia seems much less likely than just oddity, especially since she's waiting for the PILs to leave before sneaking over with her laundry.

As for the kettle, maybe she was out of tea and/or thought she'd just get a free drink while she was already helping herself to the clothesline. It's weird, yes, but repeatedly using someone else's clothesline without asking is odd, too. Some people are very happy to make themselves at home without an invitation.

[GahWhatever]

Do you have DC OP?
I think you should encourage your PIL to remove the fence completely: she can use the washing line if all your DC can play anything they want in the combined garden? Perhaps consider putting up a trampoline?

[BewareOfDragons]

Unpeg the laundry, put it in a box/bag, and return it to her. Have your DH do it. Tell her she is not to step foot on your MIL/FIL's property again, or you will be consulting the police for advice re trespassing.

The threat might be enough to put her off.

[ohfourfoxache]

As long as you’re not in NI, get the hosepipe out

[speakingwoman]

A polite note is best.

"Dear cf,

I hope it's been helpful for you to be able to use our washing line from time to time. Just so you know, we're now finding we miss the privacy and so we're writing to let you know that we need to discontinue the arrangement.

See you at [neutral friendly event] next week.

MIL, FIL

[bellabasset]

It seems an odd thing to do. Is there any right of way through the gardens as there is a low gate and low fence. If not could they replace the fence with higher fences or add trellis to the top of the fence.

Also you could put a numbered padlock on the gate and either monitor the doors with CCTV or a lock with a key pad. I have to keep my shed locked as a path leads to my back garden through other properties and I found stuff missing. I knew who did it but it's annoying when your petrol can is missing when you want to fill up the mower on a Sunday afternoon.

[CookieSue222]

In the early stages DF would be quite calculating (usually trying to avoid Mums beady eye). He would creep up to me in our back garden and ask where that 'awful woman' was, and why she wouldn't just go away (she wasn't his wife) - they had been happily married for over 60 years at this stage. He would also tear things out the newspaper, then hide them - we are still finding them over a year after his death. He did SO many things totally out of character. If I were you OP, I think I might think of contacting Social Services if these strange events continue - maybe she is known to them already.

[sociopathsunited]

If you don't want to put it back over the fence, I'd still unpeg it and take it in. I'd be petty and wet it again before I returned it, but as I said, I'm petty. I really loathe people taking liberties.

My Dad had Alzheimers and there's no way he'd have been able, even right at the start, to be sneaky and wait for them to go out before he did something like this, so I think you're just dealing with a CF. He'd have strolled right in whilst they watched him and pegged it out whilst singing a happy song and wishing them a good morning. Her being sneaky is pretty much all the evidence you need that she knows what she's doing, imo.

[Candyflip]

Squirt her with a water pistol every time she comes in the garden. Or is that cats? It might be cats.

[Plumsofwrath]

How funny, we have a similar issue with my in laws’ neighbours (not pegging laundry or putting the kettle on, different ways of using in laws’ garden as their own).

I scooped it out with in laws and decided not to do anything about it - after all, I’m not the one who has to live next door to them forever onwards. If in laws don’t want it dealt with, their call.

(As it happens, other people in the neighborhood had a similar problem and sorted them out, but still).

[Milfromhades]

The problem here is that your Mil is one of these modern nice Mils unlike myself (see my other thread, I'm firm but fair). If it were me I would be lying in wait for her and the minute I saw her cheeky face I'd be out in that yard with a face like a wasp and give her a piece of my mind I can tell you. I'd not be having her grubby, grey whites and undies on my washing line, some of us have standards to uphold! And so I should tell her. I don't think she'd be popping in to make herself a cuppa after that, I venture to say and good riddance to her.

[pandamodium]

No chance it's dementia?

Just asking as my granny can put the CF's on here to shame lately. Was the most timid, respectful women you could meet. It does sound extremely brass necked if not to continue doing it after they have asked her not too.

If it's not I agree with another poster she would be getting her washing back.

[Roussette]

I'd nip this in the bud for your PIL. My DP's when they were alive weren't shy but these things creep up.

They had a neighbour who'd moved in and whenever I came home (not round the corner, took me an hour to get there) he was always bloody there. My DPs were defensive about it but I just know he was on the make somehow, it wasn't just friendly neighbourly stuff. Even when I'd driven down to see them, he wouldn't be polite and go, he'd still sit there, until I'd wait till my DM was out the room (DF was deaf) and I'd ask him to please go because I wanted to be with my parents on my own. He had brass neck.

I think they didn't like it, but it crept up on them and they just didnt know how to stop it. OP... this is like your PIL... and it will only get worse.

[Bibbitybobity]

What a CF.
My friend has an arrangement with her next door neighbour, an elderly lady. She uses her driveway to park their caravan..however my friend takes her neighbour to do her weekly shop, helps her unpack the shopping and has her round for dinner some Sundays.
It’s an arrangement not a piss take, wonder why on earth your MILs neighbour thinks it’s okay!
I agree that yous should talk to her. I’d unpeg all of the washing,take it round and tell her she’s being intrusive and it needs to stop.

[Stoveding]

This seems to happen in many guises on mn....?

[Roussette]

p.s. Meant to say... my DPs CF never range the doorbell, my parents had a door they always left unlocked and he just used to wander in and make himself at home.