AIBU neighbour using MIL’s garden whenever she feels like it!

[mmmgoats]

Been stewing on this. Stayed round the in laws at the weekend, MIL and FIL went out to the shops for their usual morning walk and left DH and I having coffee in the kitchen.
Kitchen has double doors that lead out to the garden, we had one open a tiny bit (this is relevant) but you couldn’t see from the outside that they were open.

Next door neighbour suddenly appears in garden pegging her washing onto in-laws line. DH and I were a bit bemused but thought maybe it was an agreement between in laws and neighbour. I went out to say good morning anyway, and she looked a bit surprised we were there but made small talk and didn’t really acknowledge the fact that she was in the in-laws garden.
When MIL came back I mentioned it and she said oh yes she keeps doing that, the other day when the door was open she wandered in and put the kettle on!
MIL isn’t timid or quiet at all, in fact DH’s family can be quite a force to be reckoned with, but I think she was so shocked the first time she did it, she didn’t say anything about it and now when she’s said something, neighbour apparently brushes it off by saying “oh but you don’t mind though it’s such a small thing that really helps me out”
FIL has made a few comments to the neighbour and asked her politely not to do it - seems like she now waits for them to go out (they are creatures of routine) and does what she likes anyway. So they often come back and find the washing on their line

We are still there and I want to go and knock and tell the neighbour to pack it in - I don’t normally seek out confrontation but I’m stunned at the gall of this woman! DH isn’t sure whether to get involved or not seeing as in-laws have tried to play it down a bit but I know MIL and I can see it’s really bothering her!
AIBU to go and do it anyway? I think DH is worried about coming across as intimidating as he’s quite a big fella, which is where his hesitation is coming from...

[sueelleker]

That's why my SIL moved out of the house she shared-every time her landlady went to A&E and thy asked if anyone could look after her, she said "oh yes, SIL is there" And SIL thought "no way".

[TheMaddHugger]

((((((Madd Hugs))))) I hope it all works out ok [ish]

One more reason for Inlaws not to become involved is that - If they take on looking out for her. She becomes less of a priority in Eldercare's eyes and they move onto the ones that have no one.

Sadly I've seen this happen too many times.

They Cannot get caught in this trap.

[ItsNachoCheese]

softballsophie i did eventually end up reading the full thread and did apologise to op 👍

[SofiaAmes]

It sounds like you have done the best you can. I would only add, that if it's possible to ask the neighbor for her son's contact information, and contact him, that's probably the best/most helpful thing you can do for her.

[user1483875094]

Softball.... well said. Time, time and again, I have seen late posts, pages and pages in, which are usually quite "vitriolic" and sometimes plain nasty, proving that they have not actually bothered to read the thread, just the original post, and then jumped in quite late on, and completely out of context. Bit sad, really, isn't it? I posters are really interested, and want to vest their time in posting, then READ THE THREAD!! But well said Softball. xx

[SoftBallSophie]

@halfwitpicker @ItsNachoCheese

rtft dears

[Monty27]

It is very sad but you can't have a trespasser it could be inviting trouble

[chillpizza]

Poor lady. Not that your mil should have to let her in mind.

She clearly needs some type of help, hopefully SS will do something but it might worth keeping a log and keep on at them that she’s clearly a confused old lady, letting herself into other peoples gardens and home puts her at a huge risk if she ends up in the wrong persons garden. I woulder in a pcso might be able to help and get her help faster? Not to make her a criminal but the fact she keeps trying to enter the property after being told not too and that she seems really confused.

[GlassSuppers]

I'm not sure to be honest but I doubt it because of confidentiality.
If you don't think anything has changed then log it down every time you see something unusual, sometimes you have to build a profile before the authorities act.

You could always ring and ask but I'm not sure how much they're able to tell you.

Age Concern is a good shout, certainly can't do any harm!

Also, 111 may be able to help too if you're worried and don't know who her doctor is they may be able to get in touch with the right people, especially if it's been logged a number of times.

[AcrossthePond55]

Is there anyway to get contact info on her son? I wonder if she'd give it to you if you simply asked. There was a time when our mum would probably have given a stranger our phone numbers if they'd asked her.

[mmmgoats]

Hi.
No harm done @itsnachocheese :)

@glasssuppers hopefully! I don't really know whether SS will update us? Don't suppose yo know? I didn't think to ask. Didn't know whether it's worth contacting something like Age Concern as well just incase SS don't do anything soon? Bit out of my depth!

@monty27 MIL does know about Margie too yes we spoke to the postman together - it was her idea to speak to the postman, which was pretty genius I thought!

She appeared again today unfortunately, same thing with the washing - didn't come in because the gate was locked. She does have one of her own, yes. I've told MIL to call social services again if anything gets worse, hopefully that's the right thing to do.

Thanks for all the advice on the thread, really appreciate it.

[ItsNachoCheese]

mmmgoats i apologise for my post when i posted it was only showing your first few posts. Im glad your neighbour is getting help and support

[PitterPatterOfBigFeet]

You sound lovely OP. Good luck and I hope this all gets sorted out for the ladies sake.

[GlassSuppers]

Well done OP, I'm glad you've called and are helping this lady out!

I agree that your MIL shouldn't become responsible for her, SS will more than likely arrange for a mental health assessment and arrange a care package from there.

Thank you for helping her out, you've done the right thing.

[AcrossthePond55]

You've done what you can. MiL is right in that she doesn't want to end up responsible for her neighbour. Unfortunately, resources are stretched and it's not unusual that those in charge of arranging elder care are only to happy to assume that a friendly neighbour will be glad to be responsible and write 'case closed' on the file.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Nacho. Really? Well you sound a complete charmer. Have some compassion ffs.

[Monty27]

Oh the Margie thing is very sad. Do neighbours know who Margie was?
Also does the neighbour have a washing line of her own? If not maybe put one up for her.
It's very sad.
Have you told mil about Margie?

[mmmgoats]

Thanks Sparkle. I have to admit I wasn’t feeling kindly towards her when it first started but it genuinely seemed like she was just being inappropriate and sort of bullying the in laws.

[sparkleandsunshine]

Well done OP, you sound very caring and have definitely done the right thing

[mmmgoats]

Sorry I thought the thread had naturally tailed off after my last update :)

If you haven’t read the full thread, I have spoken to the lady and she had quite a confusing response which made us think there is something more to it.

There is now a fixed fence post and a lock on the gate (very simple temporary lock until DH can sort something else).

She did try to come in today and stood at the gate looking at bit confused. She hit the gate a few times and then just as we were going to go out and talk to her again, went back to her own garden and stood there just holding her washing for a while before she went inside. There is definitely something not quite right here and I felt actually terrible leaving her to it but the alternative was letting her in and I do think we have to draw the line under that for everyone’s sake!

To those who have said please don’t leave her to it - we aren’t going to. I’m staying an extra night with MIL and we called social services today - managed to find out the lady’s surname from the postman and the postman also told us that Margie did in fact used to live on the street, on the other side of this lady, before PIL ever moved in. So sadly I do think this is looking more and more dementia related.

We are just trying to find a line between helping and not having it assumed that PIL are basically going to take charge and look after her as they quite simply can’t.

I think if we hadn’t said anything she would hve carried in and it would have been taken as cheeky fuckery as it’s only now we’ve stopped her that she seems actually confused as to why she can’t get in rather than being annoyed or confrontational.

It’s terribly sad - and although social services were helpful and did give us assurance that it would be looked into and passed on to the right people , they didn’t really go into detail as to what they would do or how they would deal with it (i imagine as we are just concerned neighbours).

I genuinely don’t know what’s for the best and neither does MIL - MIL is now concerned for her now that it seems that there’s more at play here and wonders whether popping in to see her and check on her would be a good idea but again she’s very nervous of inadvertently becoming responsible for her too.

Thanks for all the suggestions and advice - to be honest I wouldn’t have thought to call
social services if it wasn’t mentioned on here.

[dwab45]

The woman sounds mentally ill to me. Dementia

[Danceintherain2018]

Did she come back again today? Very odd behaviour from her.

[troodiedoo]

I don't think it's "clear" that she is unwell. Controlling people come out with all kinds of flannel when confronted. Margie could be her old neighbour from another house or anyone.
And her son in USA is unlikely to give a monkeys.

Hope it can be resolved though. Very odd.

[user1483875094]

halfwitpicker
your comment was heartless and thoughtless, as well as completely un-helpful. - and just as Ladybird says... "do people even read the threads before jumping in!! " Far too many times people seem to read the main post, and then just "jump in" with their vitriol, without having bothered to read the OP 's various updates, just too eager to get their nasty comments heard. The neighbour is very clearly unwell (and I am not diagnosing ANYTHING, - just observing that she is clearly unwell, still believing that her old friend "Margies" still lives there, and no of course the in-laws are not responsible, but just one call from them, to some services who might look into the neighbours problems might help her hugely. (probably too much for you to read, as no doubt you are off ranting on other posts you haven't read up on, just the headlines!

[julesmumoftwins]

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