Mum going on holiday without her child

[pinkwafercustardcream]

First of all I AM her friend before I get accused of slagging the woman off. If I wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here instead I'd be mentioning it to mutuals which I haven't.

So my friend has a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

My friend works full time in a demanding job which requires trips away and lots of evening events.

She's now on her fourth holiday (excluding weekends away) with friends abroad without her daughter. I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

This time flies by so fast and she's spends a lot of time working away from her daughter. I just can't get my head around her not wanting to spend this time off with her daughter.

This woman had even gone to Disneyland with friends whilst her child stayed at home.

Does she not like her child much or am I wrong please tell me because obviously i can't ask her that!

Oh do you have children. I would have taken her to Disney, but it's not the end of the world to have a bit of time off.... No point being a martyr.

Didn't read it all, but unhappy children do not tend to be "gorgeous", so I presume your friend is doing something right.

I can't help wondering whether reactions here would be the same if it were a dad choosing to take so many child-free trips away.

My reaction would be exactly the same: you can't be a 'good enough' parent unless you're there enough. I don't remove myself from my small child's life for long periods of time (i.e. multiple days) without a really good reason, especially when they're too small to understand why or make sense of time passing. If you want to say that the parent in the OP is not a primary caregiver, I can only say that a parent of either gender who couldn't describe themselves as a 'primary caregiver' (even if they are one of several) is not meeting the needs of their child. That goes for both parents just to be clear.

My kids need both parents there as much as possible to be emotionally secure and thriving. That's the bread and butter of parenting. I don't think many parents (who are away a lot) realise how much time their young children are just waiting for them to return on some level, even if they seem to be ticking over nicely. 'He/she was no trouble and had a great time on the swings' does not necessarily mean 'your child is getting what she needs'. In Britain there are severe problems with poor mental health in young people. Parents are the first line of defence for a child's psychological well-being but they can't do much if they're not putting the time in. Both of them!! While everyone has a right to time out and a need to look after themselves, by and large, children need to see actions confirming that they are their parents' priority.

Time spent with parents is emotional gold dust and nothing will make up for its absence if there simply isn't enough of it. What the OP describes is a parent who is absent for extended periods. Yes, it seems excessive and irresponsible to me, in a parent of either gender.

Parents who are separated may not be there 50% of the time but that is not something to aim for! That's the lesser of two evils and a great pity. It also doesn't have a great deal of bearing on a situation where it's not the child's 'normal'. They will not experience the new circumstances in the same way as a child who was expecting to see both parents and is used to feeling secure in that environment.

Treating this as a child development issue rather than a feminist issue, it's a foregone conclusion that having both parents there as much as possible is in the child's best interests and that should be every parent's priority. That's not to say a child must be glued to her mother's hip. But there is a balance.

Perhaps this particular parent has personal issues that make it impossible for them to be there more. If this was someone I knew, that is what I'd try to think. But I'd still feel very sorry for the child.

Sorry not RTFT if it's already been asked.

Is your friend perhaps from another culture? For some the grandparents raise the kids far more than the actual parents...

If it works for her, it works for her. No-one else's business.

When you refer to her as 'this woman', you paint yourself as somewhat less than the friend you claim to be.

When you refer to her as 'this woman', you paint yourself as somewhat less than the friend you claim to be.

Indeed

@kitchenrollinrollinrollin but it is the child's "normal " considering the mother travels a lot for work.

I wouldn't be happy if my DP worked full-time, had multiple weekends away, and four holidays without his family by the time our DD was 2!
She must have a very paternal partner - or he's a complete push-over!

"Not remembering" something doesn't mean it hasn't affected you, it's not a very good argument for anything really.

good luck to your friend, it sounds like she is juggling many balls as she has a busy job that would appear to have a lot of travel, and a small child, how lovely that she is able to have a break away without her child once in a while, the child is young so possibly isn't too fussed. Work trips away are never as wonderful as they seem, and are never the holiday jolly up most people conceive them to be.... can't agree with you OP, but we all have our own opinions.

normal doesn't mean good enough though does it?

Didn't read it all, but unhappy children do not tend to be "gorgeous", so I presume your friend is doing something right.

Not true. You can be an unhappy child and be "gorgeous" because of your genetics. Looking healthy and clean on the outside says nothing about emotions, merely how well they are physically cared for.

When my DCs were 5, 7 & 9 I had a 2 month holiday in Australia & New Zealand without them (thanks to my wonderful DH). One mother at school said on my return, "I couldn't have done that - I love my children too much" (implication = I didn't love mine at all).

I put it down to jealousy.

2 year olds are evil.

Not much point bringing them on holiday, its not like they are going to remember it and they'll just be irritating on the plane.

Stop judging.

Disneyland is for children. It is. I don't see why a mother would go without her child. It is odd.

TBH I don't understand anyone who takes a 2 year old to disney land, exception being if they are taking older siblings as when we went most of the little toddlers there were crying, looked frazzled, asleep in their buggy or generally fed up waiting 2 hours for a ride on dumbo. There was the odd one enjoying blowing bubbles on the grass or playing with a new teddy but they could actually do that anywhere.

I'd say she is having these holidays now because she has the opportunity to and knows in a few years time things will be different. She works full time, probably a stressful job? I don't know. I don't see the issue unless her dd is neglected in general everyday life? At 2 honestly they don't give a toss about a holiday.

As long as the child is actually being looked after by someone else and not locked in an empty room for the duration I don't see the issue.

@HollyGibney Exactly!

I follow a prankster couple on Youtube. She has two kids (6 &7) from a previous relationship.

This year alone, the couple have been to Thailand for 3 weeks & Cyprus for I think a week.

I realise it's none of my business but they are kind of minor celebs so.... Celebs usually have their lives & choices discussed. Anyway, I was disgusted! I struggle if my DD goes to my Mum's house for a sleepover for one night!

@pinkwafercustardcream
Never in a month of Sunday's would I go abroad and leave my child like she has done. Never

I'd think badly of any parent male or female out or on holidays avoiding family life to this extent.

This.

OP I agree with you, it's strange. I wouldn't go away without my DCs unless it was a hen weekend or something inappropriate to take them too. But it's really up to her, you can't get involved. All that will happen is you will destroy your friendship and she will still go away loads without her DC. I get why it's hard to accept but I think you have to, or distance yourself from her if it bothers you to the point you can't keep quiet

Jesus Christ. There’s 52 weeks in a year, a parents being away for 3 or 4 of them isn’t going to seriously effect the kid!

Not remembering" something doesn't mean it hasn't affected you, it's not a very good argument for anything really.

Too true. At two years old my parents were away for 4 weeks. I had someone lovely to care for me and i was the centre of her world. When my parents came to collect me i clung to my carer and did not want anything to do with my parents.
A two year old can feel rejected even if they can't verbalise it.

Some mothers just aren't very good at parenting and this woman is one of them.

@TheFirstMrsOsmond Absolutely not jealousy! I can assure you. See my previous post.

There are not many mothers who could cope with being away from their children for more than a few hours. Despite having to. To willing leave them for two months is worrying...

I wouldn't go to Australia or NZ personally. Nothing against them, beautiful I'm sure. Just isn't my thing. But even if I was offered a free two month long shopping spree in New York with unlimited money I still couldn't leave my DD. Not for two weeks let alone two months! Very worrying indeed....

I agree with kitchen, young DC need their parents.

I know someone whose 3 year old DS is in nursery full time (nothing wrong with that, just giving background/context that her time with her child is limited during the week), her and the DP frequently go on holiday, date nights, etc etc without him. She frequently whinges that she has no clue what to do with her son, probably because she spends very little time with him.

The longest I have been apart from DS1 is 4 nights, which was unavoidable as I was in hospital being induced then giving birth to DS2. He was perfectly fine with grandparents, but was sad on FaceTime and told us he wanted to come home. Out of choice, I wouldn't be away from preschool DC for longer than 2 nights. That being said, I don't have anything against people going away for longer holidays - but not on such a frequent basis.

There are not many mothers who could cope with being away from their children for more than a few hours.

What ridiculous hyperbole! Hundreds of thousands of mothers leave their children in childcare for 8-10hours a day.

Motherhood is not the same as martyrdom.

We don’t have enough details from the OP to ‘judge’ the appropriateness of the mother in question’s childcare arrangements.

I will note that ‘overnight childcare’ isn’t really a thing is it? So are we actually talking a sleepover with a relative?

I think there’s call to chill the fuck out here...

I know someone whose 3 year old DS is in nursery full time (nothing wrong with that, just giving background/context that her time with her child is limited during the week), her and the DP frequently go on holiday, date nights, etc etc without him. She frequently whinges that she has no clue what to do with her son, probably because she spends very little time with him

my 2 year old is in full time nursery, we also occasionally go on date nights without him (because who in their right mind takes a toddler on a date) and we are going away without him this year too.

I still get him up every morning and spend time with him every night, and most weekends, probably similar to your friend.

she probably doesn't know what to do with him because NOBODY DOES. They don't come with a manual. Sometimes I think Christ will a real adult come and take over soon!! Doesn't everyone have those moments?

quite a lot of dads (usually) work away, or work long hours and don't spend that much time with the DC - do you think they are shit parents too?? or is it just women that should be chained to the toddlers and not allowed to have a life themselves?

I think there’s call to chill the fuck out here...

Ab-so-fucking-loutely.