Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with father of my unborn baby?

134 replies

Selladoor · 02/07/2018 16:16

I don't think I am being, but just wanted a moan Sad found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks ago with someone very casual. I told the father right away, who initially talked the talk, but in reality hasn't been there for me at all. Haven't told my family yet. He's friends with my brothers and he's even hinted he wants me to keep the fact that he's the father a secret! So that gives me a good idea of how much involvement he wants to have. This situation has apparently 'stressed him out massively', yet he's been going on benders, managed to spark up a relationship with a new woman (who he obviously hasn't told yet) and they're even openly discussing planning holidays etc right under my nose on social media! While I get to sit here getting fatter and wondering how the hell I'm going to do this alone.

OP posts:
SnartyFartBlast · 02/07/2018 17:39

What do you want from the father? I think that's your starting point.
Set up some time to chat this through with him and see what he wants.
It's a difficult situation but I think you can make it work if you communicate with each other.

As your relationship was very casual I don't think you can complain he's with someone else and happy! Unless you are hoping for something more..?

Benandhollysmum · 02/07/2018 17:42

Well if he’s talking holidays with a new gf he has plenty money to give you money when the baby is born.
And he isn’t a nice man if he hasn’t told his new gf he’s expecting a baby with someone else.
Yup this is going to cause you a headache, best get it over and done with and tell folk you are pregnant and the father is a total arsehole

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 19:07

I don't want a relationship with him, and chance to talk would be great! I get offers of 'I'm here for you 24/7, until it gets to the arranged time and I get fobbed off with 1001 excuses. I'm not saying he's not entitled to be with someone else, but when I know for a fact this person has no clue he has another girl pregnant I can't help but think I've got zero chance of any help when the baby comes as he'll always put benders and holidays first. He's self employed too so probably won't have to pay a fraction of what I'm entitled to. Sorry ladies, just wanted a moan really! Your responses are much appreciated! Smile

OP posts:
Watchingthecloudsflyby · 02/07/2018 19:12

I'd make one more effort to meet and tell him the day after you week be telling your family. If he cancels then I'd be open with your immediate family inc who the father is. Your baby isn't a dirty secret and you shouldn't have to lie.
As a start you need to discuss what role he anticipates playing and what you are expecting from him

PurpleTigerLove · 02/07/2018 19:17

Why do you want to keep a baby with someone who obviously doesn’t want to be a father ?

VenkmanStoleMyToast · 02/07/2018 19:27

What Purple said.

I'm sorry he's not stepping up but it's most likely going to always be this way, do not count on the idea wishful thinking that he will change when the baby is here.

If it were me I'd book a termination and choose a better partner next time, even if they're just a fwb.

redrobin1000 · 02/07/2018 19:51

If it were me I'd book a termination and choose a better partner next time,

Badly judged. The OP has said nothing about considering a termination. What a nasty thing to say.

EveningHare · 02/07/2018 19:58

People are thinking it - why would you want to be tied to a man who obviously doesnt want to be with you? doesnt want to have a child with you, you're worried about doing it alone, he's not going to step up and make a family with you, he's not going to do the night feeds (as he wont be there) he wants to keep it a secret - this is not a man who wants a child

there are options.

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 20:03

I agonized over a termination for a while but couldn't go through with it. I was told a few years ago that I'd likely struggle to ever conceive again so although this is a shock, it's not as easy as just terminating when it comes to the reality. I have a good job and have brought my daughter up largely alone so I don't see why I can't this one either (although I'll have to fork out a fortune in childcare!). Not an easy decision and not one taken lightly.

OP posts:
WaggyMama · 02/07/2018 20:03

yet he's been going on benders, managed to spark up a relationship with a new woman (who he obviously hasn't told yet) and they're even openly discussing planning holidays etc right under my nose on social media!

But you said he was someone 'casual' so he is entitles to do as he wants.

silkpyjamasallday · 02/07/2018 20:04

It sounds like having this baby is going to be hugely stressful and unpleasant for both you and the child, I think rather than worrying about how you are going to get the father to be involved (and it sounds very unlikely he will be of any help emotionally or financially ever) you should seriously consider whether having this baby is the right thing to do. A friend of mine was in a situation similar to you and kept the baby, it has really harmed her mental health as she assumed the father would be involved once the baby was born, said baby is almost a year old and his dad has never even seen him. So she is left desperately trying to get him to pay child support and failing.

Before I had DD I was adamant I would never get an abortion, but now I would much rather that than bring a child into a shitty situation where they will always know they have one parent who doesn’t give a shit about them and money being scarce. Much easier if you haven’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet. I’m sorry you are in this situation, but you have the chance to decide whether or not you want to continue down this path.

redrobin1000 · 02/07/2018 20:07

If a woman doesn't want to go through a termination, no one should be suggesting it would the right thing to do.

Disgusting.

longwayoff · 02/07/2018 20:07

Purple is right. This baby is happenstance. Not planned. Wanted by you not him. You cant be surprised that he is reluctant to be involved.

EveningHare · 02/07/2018 20:15

it seems you have thought about this, and you are prepared for this - so best of luck and the less you expect from him the better

FrogFairy · 02/07/2018 20:15

Safe to say he will be a deadbeat Dad and not see or pay for his child.

Depending on your earnings you could get tax credits to help and they pay a large part of childcare costs. Hopefully your family will give you emotional and practical support.

I hope you don’t think it inappropriate of me to say congratulations. Having a baby against the odds must be lovely for you, even if a bit of a shock.

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 20:25

Thank you all for the views. I'm not in any way anti-abortion, I just think I'd struggle more with doing so in the long term than having the child, thankfully I have good support in the form of family and friends and a good workplace that pays well and is flexible! He has a son already who he is involved with, also to a casual (albeit less so) relationship. I guess my moan was more about how it's always the women that have to deal with the shit and the hard decisions! I'm not moany by nature, I'll blame the hormones Grin and thank you for the congratulations. I'll manage somehow, and I'll have my fabulous DD around to help.

OP posts:
WaggyMama · 02/07/2018 20:25

OP ignore the pro-lifers who are saying a termination is nasty or disgusting.

Please think what is best for YOU and your DD if another baby comes along.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 02/07/2018 20:29

If you want the baby then expect to raise it as a single parent. The other parent wont be involved. If you cant do that then reconsider having it.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 02/07/2018 20:34

I'd give up expecting anything from him. He's clearly not interested.

If you're sure you can do this alone, then good for you. If you stop expecting anything from him, you can't be disappointed anymore.

longwayoff · 02/07/2018 20:36

Good luck sella, wish you well whatever you decide.

Sheldonoscopy · 02/07/2018 20:46

sella I’ve been where you are twice. Second time round, I shrugged my shoulders and accepted that until baby arrived, he wouldn’t be particularly interested. He didn’t come to any medical appointments during pregnancy, and we only spoke again late 3rd trimester when we met, discussed his wish for a dna test, he acknowledged that dc was his but needed it in black and white and said he’d better tell his girlfriend of some months that he was set to be a father.

We’re two years down the line, he is a doting father to our dc and we get along fine. A termination wasn’t for me, and as it turns out, he’s been very supportive during illness from both my dc and myself and we buy Mother’s Day/ father’s day and Christmas stuff from dc to each other’s kids and each other from the kid.

I hope it works out for you like it did for me- my eldests father has no contact and barely pays so I’ve got both ends of the spectrum

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 02/07/2018 20:55

Forget about him. Right now, you’re pregnant, he can’t really do anything for you, he isn’t going to be a supportive partner or even friend, so forget about that. Tell your family and friends and tell them who the father is. Get your support from them. Doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want anyone to know. Too late for that. Forget he exists. If you want him to attend your maternity appointments, you can invite him, but you absolutely do not have to. They are your appointments, he has no right to attend. Start thinking about how things will go once the baby is born. Tbh I would just go straight through CMS for child support, I wouldn’t even give him the chance to promise you money and then let you down. Just go by the book from the start. Give the baby your surname. Don’t negotiate on that. Have a think about what contact arrangements you will be happy with, not straight away, but when baby is older. He may not be interested, but he may. Wait and see what he asks for. Offer nothing, let him come to you. Don’t go running after him trying to get him to parent. You do your job, it’s up to him to do his. If he doesn’t, that’s his failure, not yours.

Congratulations OP. Enjoy your pregnancy, tell your family and celebrate.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 21:01

I guess my moan was more about how it's always the women that have to deal with the shit and the hard decisionS

It's the woman's choice alone to be pregnant and keep the baby. Getting pregnant in a very casual relationship was never going to work out happily ever after. You've chosen the path you are heading down but it was a choice you actively made.

I'll have my fabulous DD around to help

That's very unfair on her, this wasn't something she chose and she is a child not an adult. I know from experience it will cause resentment and likely damage the relationship between you.

LordNibbler · 02/07/2018 21:01

You're pregnant and it was from a very casual relationship. He doesn't want a child and it's obvious from his behaviour that he isn't interested. He doesn't want another child. His choice. Your choice is to carry on with a pregnancy knowing that. Yes it's hard to have to consider a termination, and yes it's a fact of simple biology that it's always the woman left with the decision. But please think on, your child will have to grow up knowing he/she has a father that doesn't want to know, and possibly won't provide financially. It's very very hard for a person to grow up knowing they weren't wanted. I speak from experience. I think what I'm saying here it that this is your decision, but please do think everything through first.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 02/07/2018 21:03

Please don’t rope in your child to help raise your baby! Come on now.