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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with father of my unborn baby?

134 replies

Selladoor · 02/07/2018 16:16

I don't think I am being, but just wanted a moan found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks ago with someone very casual. I told the father right away, who initially talked the talk, but in reality hasn't been there for me at all. Haven't told my family yet. He's friends with my brothers and he's even hinted he wants me to keep the fact that he's the father a secret! So that gives me a good idea of how much involvement he wants to have. This situation has apparently 'stressed him out massively', yet he's been going on benders, managed to spark up a relationship with a new woman (who he obviously hasn't told yet) and they're even openly discussing planning holidays etc right under my nose on social media! While I get to sit here getting fatter and wondering how the hell I'm going to do this alone.

OP posts:

WaggyMama · 04/07/2018 11:19

Larry I think you are giving the OP false hopes. On other threads the OP stated her family were not able to help her, she can't afford childcare or maternity leave. It is impossible to WFH with a child, in fact many employers forbid it (you are supposed to be working not looking after a baby). She said the father is unlikely to pay maintenance due to low wages and won't be there to help in any way.

It's great to look at the romantic side but the op should look at the stark reality of her situation.

Larrythecat · 04/07/2018 11:53

But OP has just said that things have changed and family are behind her. She has also said work will allow flexibility that will cut down on childcare costs. I'd say that it's quite positive at the moment. The father hasn't got low wages, is self-employed and might claim he's not earning enough, yet he is already paying maintenance to another child and is still going on holidays with his new flame, so not really poor either. OP might be able to access other benefits that before were unavailable because now she will have two dependents instead of one (OP, check a benefits check website like "entitled to" with the circumstances you will have at birth and see what it says). I think OP is in a better position today than she was a few days ago, as things have moved a bit? This thread has so much negativity that I thought looking at the bright side was also needed. This child is wanted and OP was told she could not have any more children a while ago. Just for that reason, it's a blessing, in my opinion. OP has been responsible with contraception (pills, supposed infertility), being pregnant is surely a shock and a surprise, but when she had already assumed she couldn't have any more and reaching now 34, I think it's something to be very happy about because she wanted to have more children.

WaggyMama · 04/07/2018 12:11

There's nothing wrong with a different point of view, but only a week ago the Op was stating:

My family would be supportive but wouldn't be able to help much with childcare due to age/health issues...My parents are too old to help out with childcare now.

My friend doesn't earn high so I could expect maybe 100 a month from him?

I'd only be able to take 4 months maternity as I couldn't afford any more.

I just literally can't see an option without it resulting in me ending my career and living on benefits

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 13:48

Was hesitant to come back to the thread but wanted to say thank you to the nice posters and fuck off to waggymama. I don't know why this thread turned into a debate about whether or not I should abort when I'd said I was keeping the baby?? Should I tell you to put your kids down?

If you want to know the far end of a fart, then yes on looking at my assets and speaking to my family and work, I am massively better off than initially thought. My house has been valued and under offer already for £60k more than I thought it would be worth. I've had some items valued which I'd forgot about to the value of £15k. I have investments which will mature in 18 months. My relatives have a three bed annex they have offered to let to me for extremely low rent. Work have offered to let me work when it suits me, so long as I get my hours in, they will pay me for those hours. I am a relatively high earner. I am due a payrise in september. This all means that initially I will be debt free and paying low rent and far less childcare costs that I initially thought. I will be able to save and buy in an area I've had my eye on for a while in 3-4 years. I will not be living off benefits, which was never my intention and I've never said it was my intention to be a SAHM.

Is that ok??? Do I pass the test, am I allowed to have my baby now??

Thanks again for the nice, non-fucking-ridiculous posters

OP posts:

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 13:50

Can actually not believe I've had to explain that 😂

OP posts:

Larrythecat · 04/07/2018 14:01

dadshere · 04/07/2018 14:10

You had casual sex, and now you are pregnant. Did you use protection? Did he? Did he know you were not using protection, did you talk about it? You both seem a little irresponsible, but you have now to do what is best for your unborn child. I don't know how the CM system works, but get clued up.

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 14:12

Best of luck OP and congrats on the baby

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 04/07/2018 14:24

Wow, well that all worked out marvellously. And miraculously quickly too. Wish I had your luck OP.

Starlight345 · 04/07/2018 14:28

Honestly I would hide this thread and start one elsewhere for support but do not post in Ainu. I dispair of this place sometimes. . Ask for support and all you get are judgments .

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 14:39

starlight lesson absolutely learnt! 😂

dadshere if you can't be arsed to RTFT I can't be arsed to explain. I won't be claiming maintenance though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 14:40

And yes it did work out well! Sometimes I really can be a negative person and expect the worst. Things aren't always so bad when you take a step back and look into things properly, yet another lesson learnt

OP posts:

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 04/07/2018 15:31

Good luck OP, I hope you are very, very happy with your little unit. Two children is so much nicer than one!

This thread has been interesting -- a good reminder that the pro-choice lobby is not necessarily supportive to women. The same people who are falling over themselves to tell you that you don't have to have your baby are often the ones who will suggest that you shouldn't have your baby. There should be a law against that.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/07/2018 15:45

Good luck OP, I hope you are very, very happy with your little unit. Two children is so much nicer than one!

I have nothing to add to the OP, but WTF is this comment? Two children is so much nicer than one? Think before you post for fucks sake...

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 04/07/2018 16:03

Good luck OP, I hope you are very, very happy with your little unit. Two children is so much nicer than one!

On behalf of the many, many millions of mothers of single children, off you fuck cuntychops. Utterly ridiculous sweeping twaddle.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 04/07/2018 16:09

Get over yourselves. That is a perfectly nice thing to say to someone expecting a second child.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 04/07/2018 16:12

Also, I was childless for a long time. Did I think people shouldn't say how lovely it was to have children, or the more children the merrier?

No. Because people are allowed to think like that and they weren't offensive things to say. It would be very different if the OP was not expecting a second child and excited about having it! But one to two children is a lovely jump and I'm pleased for the OP.

Badbadtromance · 04/07/2018 16:27

Op I've bought up DC alone and if i can you can. Congratulations on baby

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 04/07/2018 16:59

There are at least 8 (or 9 depending on which of OPs threads you’re on) years between the DC. They won’t be best buds. It’ll be a tricky age gap in terms of entertaining them both for the next few years. Older DC might be more resentful than infatuated TBH.

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 17:21

Thank you. But luckily I know my DD fairly well by now.... but thanks for your input

OP posts:

Original poster

Selladoor · 04/07/2018 17:23

Thanks and good on you badbadtromance

To the folk jumping down kitchenroll's throat, I don't think this was meant to put anyone down with only one child!! There are way too many people in AIBU wanting to focus on the negatives of every post

OP posts:

CruCru · 04/07/2018 17:24

Good luck Selladoor. I hope that things go well for you.

sue51 · 04/07/2018 17:38

selladoor Sounds like things are falling into place. I hope all goes well for you. I think it would be worth putting in a cms claim, he might be a low earner now but that might change and children aren't cheap. Best of luck.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 04/07/2018 18:00

Of course you know your DD fairly well. No-one said you didn’t. (Apart from her age, maybe) New siblings, especially when you’ve had your Mum to yourself for your entire life, upset the status quo, which requires an adjustment.

Tunnocks34 · 04/07/2018 18:18

Best of luck OP. Sounds like you’ve got a good plan, and you have got everything in place.

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