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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with father of my unborn baby?

134 replies

Selladoor · 02/07/2018 16:16

I don't think I am being, but just wanted a moan Sad found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks ago with someone very casual. I told the father right away, who initially talked the talk, but in reality hasn't been there for me at all. Haven't told my family yet. He's friends with my brothers and he's even hinted he wants me to keep the fact that he's the father a secret! So that gives me a good idea of how much involvement he wants to have. This situation has apparently 'stressed him out massively', yet he's been going on benders, managed to spark up a relationship with a new woman (who he obviously hasn't told yet) and they're even openly discussing planning holidays etc right under my nose on social media! While I get to sit here getting fatter and wondering how the hell I'm going to do this alone.

OP posts:
PurpleTigerLove · 02/07/2018 21:09

It’s always the woman left holding the baby because they carry the baby . It’s hardly rocket science . If he doesn’t want to be with you the chances of him being a good father to a child he doesn’t want are somewhat low .
I don’t understand women who constantly find themselves in these situations and then blame the man z Did he know you were unlikely to comceive?
Honestly sex just isn’t worth all the hassle of unplanned pregnancies and unwanted babies .

CherryPavlova · 02/07/2018 21:10

I’m afraid it’s a case of as you sow, so shall you reap. It is irresponsible of both of you to create a pregnancy in a very casual relationship with no thought to that child’s future needs.

He’s not going to support you or the child. Did you even discuss effective contraception? It’s for you to decide what to do going forward but it’s not fair to assume your daughter will help.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 21:12

The other aspect is can you afford another child alone? Will it impact on your daughters standard of living?

You also should get an STI check given the casual sex with a friend and lack / failure of contraception.

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 21:16

Well yes and no. YANBU in the sense that a decent man wouldn't behave yhis way. But YABU in the sense that this is a risk you run wjen you have casual sex, get pregnant and, keep the baby. You are a grown woman a D you took these risks. Now you have to pay for them.

Cyantist · 02/07/2018 21:35

I cannot believe the amount of people saying get a termination. She has already said she has considered that and decided against it. No one should be trying to convince her it would be for the best.

OP I'd be annoyed too, but really not surprised by the lack of help. But at least you know not to expect much!

Larrythecat · 02/07/2018 21:59

I don't understand the complaints about DD helping raise the baby. The baby will be her sister / brother and she will probably love being involved.

Accept now that the father won't be around. Tell your family, he should not dictate what you tell them. Your family will be the one around you. If he eventually wants to be involved, then you'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.

redrobin1001 · 02/07/2018 22:01

It's the woman's choice alone to be pregnant and keep the baby. Getting pregnant in a very casual relationship was never going to work out happily ever after. You've chosen the path you are heading down but it was a choice you actively made.

No, no it doesn't work like that. Many women don't really have a 'choice' because it would be harmful to their mental health to have a termination they didn't feel ok with. That's not a real choice. Every man capable of having sex knows there is a possibility, however faint, that there may be a pregnancy. He should know (and every decent man does know) that if that should happen, it's required of him to support in any way he can from that point. He doesn't get to say 'not my monkeys'.

waggymama No one said abortion was disgusting - nice disingenuous twist there. What was said was: 'suggesting someone should end a life when they've clearly decided they're having a baby is disgusting'. Massive difference.

redrobin1001 · 02/07/2018 22:02

ABU in the sense that this is a risk you run wjen you have casual sex, get pregnant and, keep the baby. You are a grown woman a D you took these risks.

So did he!! What misogynistic bullshit.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 02/07/2018 22:15

It’s always the woman left holding the baby because they carry the baby
Yes because its only the woman that has the right to have a baby or not.

If both parents had to agree before a baby was brought into the world then it would be easier to have equal responsibility.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2018 22:18

redrobin continuing or ending a pregnancy is a choice (in the mainland uk at least). It may not be an easy choice, or a consequence free choice, but it is a choice. The woman's choice because it's her body.

Expecting a casual shag to get all excited about being a father is really stretching expectation too far. He has a duty to pay - nothing more.

Mammalamb · 02/07/2018 22:20

I cannot believe the amount of women on here pushing for the OP to have an abortion.

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 22:23

Oh ffs, she's 8 😂 I meant by helping me morally more than anything, and doing the little stuff she would love, like having a little hold while I finish a cuppa.... MN is fabulous most times but some of you don't half jump to the worst conclusions at times Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 22:26

And I don't want a relationship with the dad... when did I say I expected a happy ever after?? All I wanted was a little moan. Wow Grin anyway, I'm over that, NOT going to abort my baby and definitely NOT going to expect my 8 year old to raise it, fear not! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 22:28

Also, I USED contraception - it failed. AFTER being told I was never likely to conceive again also, so it's an against-the-odds baby. I was married when I conceived DD, and that went to shit as he cheated, so I'm under no illusion of any sort of fairy tale in any situation.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 22:29

Hes learnt a hard lesson, don't have casual sex without protection.

Quite why, as adults, neither of you thought to seek emergency contraception the next day is weird.

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 22:31

Sheldonoscopy, thank you so much for your post, exactly what I needed to hear right now, and you rock!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 22:34

boxsets see above

OP posts:
RosemaryLemonxx · 02/07/2018 22:37

I was with someone who left me when I was pregnant. He has no involvement in my boys life, yes it is upsetting and yes it is hard. But I love my son to pieces and I know he loves me too. Sorry that people keep on about a termination when it's not even something you've mentioned, what a horrible thing to say. Stay strong. You can do this. Give him another chance. But don't put your effort into forcing him to want to be part of it as sadly, some people feel as though they have no responsibilities.

WilsonPhillips · 02/07/2018 22:41

Sending you lots of love, OP. I'm sorry the baby's father isn't being very supportive. Hopefully you will get some support from friends and family though.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 22:41

Your other post suggested a one night stand whilst drinking and hey ho surprise pregnancy , no mention of a contraception failure hence why people have come to the conclusion.

Starlight345 · 02/07/2018 22:41

Op . First piece of advice don’t post in aibu for support.

Secondly he is not a support for you so tell your family so you can get some support from them.

Honestly ignore him till baby is born . Focus on how you are going to bring up you 2 children. See what happens when he/she is born but he doesn’t sound like someone to rely on .

VenkmanStoleMyToast · 02/07/2018 22:48

My post states that I would opt for a termination in the same scenario, not that op should have one Hmm

It's a reasonable comment, so I can't see why anyone would be so offended, not that it really bothers me tbh, just irritated that my post has been misread.

Anywhoo! If you're happy with the knowledge that you will most likely be raising this baby alone and with possibly little to no support emotionally or financially and can afford to do so then I am happy for you.

I wouldn't be chasing this man around with texts or even bother looking him up on fb/twitter unless it's an update concerning the pregnancy, his actions show his main and only concern is himself and his pleasure, so I would lose any expectations because having any hope he'll change will just make this all harder.

Good luck Thanks

Original poster
Selladoor · 02/07/2018 23:02

boxsets casual = one night stand whilst drinking? Can't see where I alluded to that to be fair.

Thanks for the supportive ones. I'm fairly well off thanks to my job and have solid friends and family so I won't rely on him being there.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson · 02/07/2018 23:08

How old are you OP?

There are choices. He sounds like a complete dick

littlemissdynamite · 02/07/2018 23:09

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