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Original poster

To be pissed off with father of my unborn baby?

134 replies

Selladoor · 02/07/2018 16:16

I don't think I am being, but just wanted a moan Sad found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks ago with someone very casual. I told the father right away, who initially talked the talk, but in reality hasn't been there for me at all. Haven't told my family yet. He's friends with my brothers and he's even hinted he wants me to keep the fact that he's the father a secret! So that gives me a good idea of how much involvement he wants to have. This situation has apparently 'stressed him out massively', yet he's been going on benders, managed to spark up a relationship with a new woman (who he obviously hasn't told yet) and they're even openly discussing planning holidays etc right under my nose on social media! While I get to sit here getting fatter and wondering how the hell I'm going to do this alone.

OP posts:
redrobin1001 · 03/07/2018 00:14

OP, I'm so sorry you've not been helped by this experience. I hope you do realise that the majority of posters sympathise with what you're going through and don't have a critical word to say about you.

I understand what you were saying - it would be helpful and nice if this bloke was consistent about what he was prepared to offer and didn't make totally unreasonable suggestions like keeping his involvement from your family. It must be a ghastly situation to find yourself in and I really admire your courage. I have no doubt you will go it alone and do it fabulously, maybe even meeting someone who deserves you along the way.

Please leave the thread with your head held high. Sorry you've been upset. You've done absolutely nothing wrong Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 03/07/2018 00:16

also sorry you didn't get the support you wanted on here selladoor I have decided to leave mumsnet now for bit too as I have been shocked by a lot of the comments I have seen on aibu today. maybe the heat is making everyone a bit tetchy. Good luck with your pregnancy, I am sure you DD will love being a big sister. Flowers

Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:16

It wasn't one night and it wasn't drunken. Wasn't much of an accident, how exactly? I'm telling you you sound like a bitch because you sound exactly that. You're very bitter about something in your life, hope you find the happiness as id hate to be so bitter I resorted to being a twat to someone seeking help in a support forum. I suppose the difference is, I WILL find happiness once this settles, with my two beautiful (and wanted) DC. Sorry you don't feel like you are strong enough to raise yours without the dad's input. I do 😊

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redrobin1001 · 03/07/2018 00:17

And I would certainly think less of a bloke who carried on getting plastered and living it up in new relationships when he had contributed to the creation of a very different situation involving an innocent baby and a new mum and was doing nothing as a father.

WaggyMama · 03/07/2018 00:17

The thing is Sella, you had casual sex, which means no strings, so you can't be 'pissed off' with the father as he made no promises.

Your other thread states he has little income so he is unlikely to help you financially, or physically so you really have to decide if you want to bring a baby into the world alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fruitcorner123 · 03/07/2018 00:19

waggy she already decided this is not a thread about her deciding whether to abort ffs

Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:20

Thank you all, I've taken these into consideration and when I've looked into things, things are much rosier than I previously thought. I am of course excited, it was just a moan really which I stated would pass. Folk moan about far more trivial issues on here so this was mine Grin

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Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:20

Thanks fruitcorner, you get me! Yes I've already decided to have this child

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Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:22

Thank you redrobin also, you have completely understood my post also! I'll remember not to post in aibu should I choose to revisit MN again

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Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:30

With how awful some of the responses to this thread have made me feel I sent a text (wusses way out) to the family whatsapp- habe in turn been rallied around with promises of support from my amazing family. So I guess a thank you to the bitches too is in order Grin

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Timeisslippingaway · 03/07/2018 00:30

redrobin1000, I agree. OP has said she couldn't go through with a termination, which a lot of people couldn't and yet people are still telling her to seriously consider it. Why because a woman can't raise a child alone? So as soon as a man decides he doesn't want to be involved with the child (which he hasn't yet and might not) then a woman should book herself in to terminate her child. WTAF? Get a grip people

PurpleTigerLove · 03/07/2018 00:30

Ive read your previous posts . You were drunk and it was the first time you slept together . Why don’t you go back and have a look if you don’t believe me ?
I may sound like a bitch but I’m quite old fashioned in my views I suppose . If that make me bitter then I can accept that . For me life is so much less complicated to have gotten married and then tried for and conceived my children in a loving relationship. I have no guarantee whatsoever that I will live happily ever after ( some days it’s a struggle ) but it is better for my children to know that whatever happens they were planned and utterly wanted by both parents .
I’m sure you’ll do a fine job of raising your baby , if you already have a child you’ve proven that you can do it . However, do not even try to suggest to me that your situation is preferable to mine .

FlyingMonkeys · 03/07/2018 00:38

The thing is OP.. I had my Dd many years ago as the result of a failed contraception. We were very young and together for 3yrs. He was moving on to someone else when we found out at very late gestation (I wasn't too clued up!) We had a week time frame to decide on a termination. I didn't feel that I could, he stated he'd fully support my decision but he would be having minimal involvement - long story short. He didn't, I went ahead, things all worked out okay for me and Dd.. I'd have been a complete arse to be angry that he'd got 'off scot free with it', when we'd both laid our cards on the table over it.

Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:46

Purpletigerlove- have I had a drink with him? Yes. But we werent just a one night stand and we weren't drunk. I can guess the right if conception, but yes we didn't use condoms (stupidly, agreed) so it is a guess. When have I said my situation is preferable? It was you who was doing that by saying both parents needed to be there to be able to bring the child up. All I said is I feel sad for you if you don't think you could do that and raise a happy child without the dad.

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Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 00:47

And what the hell difference would it make if we had been a one night drunken stand anyways?? Which it wasn't but ffs it's hardly a crime Hmm

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PurpleTigerLove · 03/07/2018 01:12

I said it was preferable for both parents to want the baby when conception took place . Whatever happens after that can’t always be planned for .
Good luck with your pregnancy , I do sincerely hope it goes well for you and I’m sure you will be a great Mum . That was never in any doubt .

It’s just a really stupid and avoidable situation to find yourself in when we have so so many ways to prevent pregnancy nowadays .
The father of your baby sounds like a total dick btw . I doubt there will be many women queuing up to go out with him if he has had two children and doesn’t look after wither of them . Hopefully you’ll have had a lucky escape .
Choose wisely next time and I mean that kindly . Men do have the ability to walk away without a care in the world . Don’t let them !

NotASingleFuckToGive · 03/07/2018 01:15

I have a good job and have brought my daughter up largely alone I'm sure this taught you to be wary of letting feckless men in your bed in future.

He has a son already who he is involved with, also to a casual (albeit less so) relationship. Clearly not!

I WILL find happiness once this settles, with my two beautiful (and wanted) DC

That's good for you and your wellbeing, but rather sad for the fact your DD and new baby will be able to bond over the fact that neither of their fathers can be bothered.

Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 01:18

You sound much more human in that response, thank you! Of course it's preferable. I was in that situation with DD and things didn't go to plan, so I've always had the motto don't rely on the dad sticking around. Yes I was lax relying on the pill which I'd got pregnant on and apparent infertility, should have used condoms but surely you get how I thought I was covered! I'll be done at my age and after 2 so will be requesting sterilisation after this one..! Thank you though for your conciliatory sounding post.

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Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 01:21

Yeah all that's my fault, Notasinglefucktogive Hmm missed the part where I was married to DD's dad? Also, he is in her life, just I've been the main parent. Wow all these folk who've never had a less than ideal situation, and to those who have, it's the woman's fault Hmm

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Selladoor · 03/07/2018 01:21

And clearly not what?? You're either not making sense, or contradicting yourself

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Selladoor · 03/07/2018 01:39

Apologies Notasinglefuck, I remember you from a previous thread now and realise why you're so bitter at my situation. But surely if you had a living upbringing, you can appreciate my baby can too?? Doesn't take a father's love to bring up a happy baby, as you should know.

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Original poster
Selladoor · 03/07/2018 01:40

*loving

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redrobin1001 · 03/07/2018 13:59

And a termination is available if desired - criticising posters suggesting this with comments like 'disgusting' is saying a termination is 'disgusting'. Which it is not.

Bollocks.

Sheldonoscopy · 03/07/2018 21:40

sella I hope you’re feeling better today than all of the crap that kicked off last night. Relationships board is better than this one for your type of post- it’s a much more supportive environment

Larrythecat · 04/07/2018 10:35

Yay! For telling the family. Yay! For having another baby when you had lost hope to have a second one, no matter how s/he arrived. Yay! To all the family and friends support. Yay! To flexible working arrangements. You've got this, your family is growing and it's wonderful. If he decides to be involved, it will be welcome, but don't assume he will. Though, I think your brother might talk on your behalf every now and then? Your DD will be so excited too! Have you told her?Flowers