Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

233 replies

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 15:56

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

OP posts:
FairiesAndChocolate · 02/07/2018 20:09

This sounds like the very beginning of emotional abuse. Please LTB. I lwft my ex for similar reasons while pregnant and raising my daughter (with 0 involvement from him,he doesnt even know her name or sex) has been the beat thing ever.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 02/07/2018 20:16

Agree with everyone else, I can't see a happy future for you with this guy Sad

A baby is very much a full time job. It's hard work! I did no housework at all when the dc were little, DH knew better than complain!

43percentburnt · 02/07/2018 20:16

At present you own your own home, are financially independent.

Stop the sale of your house (expect your arsehole of a partner to turn into mr nice if you threaten this).

This man does not like you. You pay your way, care for his child and he treats you with contempt. He says you are lazy, he’ll leave the uk to avoid paying for his children. What a scumbag. A man who sees his own importance through the money he earns would leave his children without money! This is who he is! A scumbag. Listen very carefully, you are very lucky as you have an income and a property. Because when your money is sunk into the house you jointly own (or your money has been spent subsidising your maternity leave - buying sanitary wear and nappies) and you split up he will take you for every penny. Because he paid more into the house/supported you on maternity leave/ is the deserving one.

Bet He doesn’t believe in marriage? Only a bit of paper? But wants the tradition of baby to having his name? The same baby he’ move abroad to avoid supporting? Pays his ex less than he should. Uses you to cut his maintenance down by 2 days a week.

He earns more so should do less! I earn significantly more than my sahd husband - but with three children it’s all hands on deck the minute I get in. My dh is not a second class citizen, he is the lovely man I chose to have children with.

When I was pregnant and very sick I did nothing because dh told me to rest. He did everything and said my job was to grow our twins and keep as well as I could.

Your partner is awful and you are very lucky he has shown you his true colours now.

What would he say if you told him the baby is having your surname?

Grab your stuff and run! You will cope, and you won’t have a scumbag dragging down your self esteem.

pointythings · 02/07/2018 20:27

He said that my only goal in life is to sit around and do nothing

Oh God and you are still with him? He is emotionally and financially abusive. Want to bet you'll end up with the full set by the time your baby is born? Pull out of the house sale if you can. If not, take the money and run.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 20:27

He said he left his ex as he grew up and she didn't. He got into fitness, lost some weight, was doing well at work etc. and she was the same person she'd always been. That's what he says to me at least.

Can't really move back into old house, it is co-owned with a friend and she needs the equity that's hers as she is buying with her partner and I can't afford to buy her out, we'd always agreed to sell around now regardless before pregnancy etc.

No plans to get married (he proposed to his ex but never married after about 6 years of engagement and then they split).

Said if we bought a house he'd want a declaration of trust to say that the house had to be sold within X time (regardless of me or baby needing somewhere to live) if we split, I can't remember his proposal but it was pretty much immediately, even if I couldn't afford to rehouse myself and our son. He also treats his money as his money. For example making sure that I wouldn't benefit from life insurance, pension, savings etc. And whilst on maternity my pay plus 'allowance' would have to cover anything I wanted to do and his money would be his money, not a family joint pot.

Thank you so much for all the support shown. As much as it is very hard to hear I know you are all talking sense.

I guess I do just feel exhausted with it all, and the housework moaning is just the tip of the iceberg now I've actually let it out IYSWIM.

I need to look into options and finances etc.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 20:30

OP the reason he gave you makes sense if you put it the other way round and that he was too focused on fitness and his work (read himself) that she had enough

Every single thing is ALL about him and its interesting that if you split up the assumption is YOU would move out of a joint house

Whatever you do dont buy a house, keep your money

pointythings · 02/07/2018 20:36

I need to look into options and finances etc.

I am glad to see that the scales are starting to fall from your eyes. Yes, you need to start planning your escape. Please stay on here, there are lots of people who can give you practical advice. Keep your head down and start getting your ducks in a row.

MissCharleyP · 02/07/2018 20:37

FFS! I’m actually so angry I can hardly type. Jeez, just go. Please look into options ASAP.

43percentburnt · 02/07/2018 20:37

I’m sure his ex has a different tale to tell.

As I said up thread, you are very lucky he has told you now. Often they wait until baby is here and you are trapped. You can buy a house on maternity leave/pay, can you afford a shared ownership place?

He wouldn’t want you to benefit from life insurance. Where is the money due to go? Same with his pension, who did he put on the form? His parents? He doesn’t see you as his family sadly. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

AntiHop · 02/07/2018 20:38

Op I've always earned more than my partner, except when I was on mat leave. This has never been a reason for me to do less housework or less childcare. Our money is totally shared. I would never dream of giving him an 'allowance' from 'my' money. It's our money.

You're in a strong position now to leave him. You could either cancel the sale of your place or use the equity to buy a new police. You're only half way through your pregnancy so you've got time to get sorted.

You CAN do it alone. Millions of women do.

Calmingvibrations · 02/07/2018 20:40

Can you speak to your midwife for support - I’m sure they can help point you in the right direction.
The sooner you leave the better. Do it now and you’ll have time to settle and relax during the remainder of your pregnancy. It will be so much harder with a small baby (but still doable and necessary!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.

Isn’t there a 2010 act to withhold passports of people who refuse to pay csa ? ?

Grumpos · 02/07/2018 20:40

Just reading your post made me feel exhausted, hopeless and depressed, I can’t begin to really think about how it must feel to live with someone like this.

People often say “life is short” - life is too short to put up with bad treatment and to not make the most of every day and be as happy as possible. But...: I always say “life is long” - you will likely live a very long life - do you want this man and his exhausting, ridiculous behaviour in your life EVERY DAY FOREVER????? Oh can you imagine still being in your position in a year, two years, five, ten..... does that thought make you want to put your head in the oven? If so, then up and leave. He WILL NOT change.

lifebegins50 · 02/07/2018 20:42

Is there an age difference?

and she was the same person she'd always been

You will be different after a baby, for most women it is a time of giving to the new baby, he will see it as you not changing tk suit his image.

Go to your mum, you will be so much happier and show this man you respect yourself more.

Mrspotter12 · 02/07/2018 20:42

Erm pregnancy and looking after cats tends to be a bad mix doesn't it?

mamansnet · 02/07/2018 20:46

I wouldn't want my child growing up in a household like this and believing that it's normal.

Get out, OP.

Blaablaablaa · 02/07/2018 20:47

So, essentially he's saying that if he were to die tomorrow you and his children would not benefit from his lie insurance or pension?? That tells you all you need to know about him. He does not love you.

He is so selfish that he doesn't even want his children and partner to have any of his hard earned cash even when he's dead.

The second me and DH moved in together we changed our pensions and when we bought a house we sorted life insurance to ensure that if the worst happened at least money wouldn't be a worry and the house would be safe. That's what normal , loving partners do for each other.

You have my first LTB. I'm so upset, angry and worried on your behalf.

UghFletcher · 02/07/2018 20:48

OP for the love of god, run, run far away from this epic cunt and don't look back.

Everything you have said about him makes my skin crawl. He is a textbook abuser.

I thought it would be hard to leave ExP and go it alone with my DS, but to you know what.. it's easier than ever. My rules, my decisions, no running around after an overgrown man child who took every opportunity to put me down.

You can do this alone and you (and your DS) deserve so much better than this

haba · 02/07/2018 20:52

Seek legal advice, and seriously consider not putting him on the birth certificate. If he's laying down the law about how long you can feed for, where baby is going to sleep, etc, imagine what he'll be like when you're choosing a school, or want to move forty miles away, etc.
Take your equity money and run!
Keep safe Thanks

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 02/07/2018 20:53

Please get out. Now.

BarbraDear · 02/07/2018 20:54

I usually hate all the 'LTB' posts on these threads

BUT

LEAVEEEEE THAT BASTARD!!!

Changeymcchangechange · 02/07/2018 20:55

Good lord, I never comment. But please, get packed and go to your mums. And then when the house is sold and you get your equity, look at your options.

I have a ten month old and sitting on the sofa on my own with my boobs out constantly breastfeeding would have been a hell of a lot easier than having to think about anyone else other than just me and the baby in those early days. Let alone doing someone else's housework and sorting out their cats and daughter.

Have my first ltb and look after yourself OP. Your other half is a truly awful person x

Mrspotter12 · 02/07/2018 20:58

Please just go to your mums for a break - perhaps get some perspective.

The way I view situations like this is - would I want my daughter to be in this situation? Perhaps you could consider how you would feel if your son was treating his partner like this?

Good luck - and you can do this without him!
💐💐💐💐

Friendlyoldwasp · 02/07/2018 21:05

My ex was like this, it actually made me feel sick reading your post as it brought back some horrible memories. In my case as my pregnancy progressed it didn’t get better, it got worse. Once I had the baby and felt like myself again I left him and it was the best thing I ever did.

WineAndTiramisu · 02/07/2018 21:20

Get your money out of the house sale
Move to your mum's (if she's ok with that)
Look into what benefits etc you'd be entitled to
Do NOT give the child his last name (or possibly don't put him on the birth certificate)
Get away. Fast. He's grinding you down and you'll end up a shell of your former self.

It'll be much easier on your own, you won't be doing childcare for him, and if you don't want to clean/cook etc for a few days, no one will care!

Tell your midwife what's going on, they can help you

Does he pay maintenance for his other daughter?

mulberrybag · 02/07/2018 21:38

I've been where you are. Twice. I've no real clue as to why I let it happen a second time, possibly some shit lessons growing up about self worth and horribly low self confidence etc. but please, please, please know that being a single parent will never be as hard as co-parenting with this utter shit excuse of a man. You'll feel more lonely than you can imagine being with him and being treated like dirt than you'll ever feel being a single parent. I absolutely promise that there is no worse feeling than pretending to everyone one including yourself that someone loves you, and feeling that you 'should' be a better mum, partner, house keeper etc to keep him happy.
I beg you to re read all of the advice given on your thread and take courage from it.
Not one person has encouraged you to stay and i would put a lot of money on the fact that the majority of us here are talking from past experience so be strong. You can do this Thanks