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Original poster

DF's have fallen out. Now demanding money for a hotel

228 replies

Roosevelt111 · 01/07/2018 22:57

False names used: Sorry this is going to be long...

I've been friends with a group of people for about 5 years. We all share the same interest. DF1 (I'll call him Dennis) used to normally drive if we went out for the day. Earlier this year Dennis fell seriously ill and now can no longer drive. DF2 (Aka Nick) has taken over driving if we go out anywhere. For many months Dennis and Nick had a problem with DF3 (Richard).

Richard has very few social skills and quite literally has no friends apart from us. He gets anxious and very upset if he's left out of anything we do as a group. For example Myself and Nick went to see Dennis when he was in hospital. Nick didn't invite Richard to come to the hospital with us because the hospital only let's two people in at a time. Richard also lives in the same town as the hospital whilst we both live significantly further away. Richard heard we'd been to see Dennis and he text Nick. He was furious. Saying we were nasty, horrible people for leaving him out and how we never took him anywhere and how he'd never be happy again until Nick took him out for the day. Nick has refused to speak to him since

Since then Dennis's health has improved and Nick has secretly (without Richard's knowledge) organised days out with just us three. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving Richard out and have met up with him a few times at a favourite local attraction. I've offered to help him. I've tried to encourage him to try new activities so he can make new friends and gain some confidence (he has very little) but he refuses these offers. He just whinges about Nick leaving him out and how he wants his friends back.

It's all come to a head this week. Next week a major (interest related) is taking place around 200 miles away. Nick is driving. Richard can't drive a car. Richard assumed he was invited in Nick's car. Only to find out (2 weeks ago) that Nick had already invited myself, Dennis and two more friends. So as a 5 seater - it's full.

He's managed to get a partway lift (train and then a lift) off someone else but the people he's getting a lift from will have to leave the event early to drop him at the station so he can get his train home. They're not happy about this and have suggested he gets a hotel room near the event and travel home the following day. Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited. They've had a huge row and I feel stuck in the middle. I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen. I personally don't think Nick should be paying for Richard's hotel given the way he behaved but maybe Nick wbu by not inviting him to start with? Sad how can I help Richard when he won't listen or try to do anything I encourage or suggest?

Thanks for reading if you got this far Cake

OP posts:
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 03/07/2018 17:56

Richard is in the wrong...but knowing Richards poorsocial skills and mental health issues you should have known better.
Nick sounds likes an arrogant dick.

Oldmum56 · 03/07/2018 18:13

OMG - this should not be a problem, leave Richard behind. He should not be in your group. Old saying no good turn ect ect, . If you do not like what is going on , do not go, and tell them why. Are you all tied to each other or do you not act as individuals at any time. An invitation is an invitation. If you are not invited tough and get a life, and ask yourself whynot me, be honest, and move on. This Richard seems to get the sorry vote ? why ? gives him an ace in the hole before you have even started, and he is using it against you all. the word ploker comes to mind to think people have to pay for him.

WTFiswrongwithpeople · 03/07/2018 18:19

I haven’t read the whole thread so excuse me in advance if I’ve missed something......
If Richard was a child many of you would be suggesting his parents stop pandering to his ‘needs’ and start being tough - build some resilience etc. Yet he’s an adult. You can be highly anxious but that doesn’t give you licence to act like a twat. Yeah, maybe Nick was being harsh by not offering a lift but I probably would’ve done the same thing Wink You OP have a lot a patience but I’d be at the end of my tether from such a draining relationship. Or at least keep contact at a minimum. Good luck! You’re a good person.

Shell4429 · 03/07/2018 18:36

Sounds like Richard is on the spectrum. I feel sorry for him but nobody likes a person being needy. If you genuinely like him then by all means try to smooth the waters but he’s not your responsibility. He might be better attending some AS groups to make new friends.

fruitbrewhaha · 03/07/2018 18:48

Life is just too short to be putting up with this kind of 'friendship'.

Richard clearly gives nothing and expects a lot from people.

While it's nice you feel sorry for him, he has to learn for himself how to behave and what the consequences of his actions are.

Knittedfairies · 03/07/2018 18:55

So if Richard and Dennis were friends before Nick showed up, is Richard feeling ‘Wendied’? Or Nicked, in his case.

Stay out of it OP. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person; it stands to...erm...reason.

MycatiscalkedElvis · 03/07/2018 19:02

I’ve only read the OP so not seen any replies, but from my experience I think Richard is ASD...

Wellthisunexpected · 03/07/2018 19:05

I had similar. I tried to be a friend to a guy with ASD. We went out, enjoyed each others company but he then expected to be invited out ALL the time. Any suggestions I was going out without him (we weren't dating and he didn't think we were) I was mean, a bully, leaving him out. One night he verbally attacked my friend, for no reason, called him many names, just because they had a disagreement on political parties, friend 2 just wanted to leave it, but friend 1 (with ASD) just couldn't accept it. I tried to guide friend 1 away, explain that people think and feel differently but that's ok as there are things we think and feel the same about that makes us friends. I gave him examples (I don't like carrots, heroes etc). He then turned on me, called me a bully, abusive, etc.

He then refused to speak to me unless I and friend 2 apologised. I explained we'd done nothing wrong but he wouldn't accept it.

Unfortunately it's meant he has fewer friends and isn't invited to as many things. He's done similar to others.

Just because some isn't NT doesn't mean they get to get away with anything and everything.

Unfortunately unless Richard is willing to accept he is in the wrong and apologize to nick, he's going to be left out a lot!

Wills · 03/07/2018 19:29

I have 1 child (well she's 18 now) with Aspergers and 2 with HFA (aged 14 & 12), however at no point have ever allowed that sort of behaviour & nor have ever had to interfere with their friendships - teachers yes, friends no. I can see why many have stated Aspergers/HFA and yes there appears to be many cross overs - but its the anxiousness that seems weird. I'm presuming richard is an adult and for him to have gone all the way through school etc seems weird. However OP unless you have the time to be a parent to him then you need to say something along the line of "I like you as a friend but I don't think you were a good friend to ..... and now I don't want to talk about it anymore. If you continue to rant/rave (etc) at me I will put the phone down/on silent/walk away" Whilst broken record doesn't work and that's not what I'm saying to do, BUT it is really important that you warn Richard of what you're going to do before you do it. Then when he continues to shout/vent etc you tell him that you warned him what would happen and do it (like block him for a day etc). Whatever you do, do not get drawn into a discussion with him. He needs you to listen to him so he can repeat his story so that it can become more believable to him. Each time he given the opportunity to repeat his version it will become more believable to him. He's desperate to make his version the truth and debating/listening even giving him a chance to say it to thin air will only make it more real for him.

ToftyAC · 03/07/2018 19:38

It seems to me that Richard is rather obsessed with Nick. Sounds all very unhealthy.

Devora13 · 03/07/2018 20:29

It sounds as though Richard has some mental health/social issues and could do with an adult support worker or similar. Unfortunately, I can see some of the young people I work with who have Special Needs and difficult backgrounds ending up in this position. They just don't get social skills, especially not on an adult level.

Joboy · 03/07/2018 20:35

When Denis was ill di you or Nick spell it out to Richard how ill Denis was and easy it easier him to visit to visit him and why did he not visit Denis.

ny20005 · 03/07/2018 20:50

While it does sound that Richard is ASD, he's been pandered by his parents & clearly hadn't learned how to behave in a friendship.

While he has issues, as an adult none of you have to remain friends with someone who is such hard work & doesn't know how to be a friend.

It sounds like his parents have mollycoddled him & he's likely to be their problem & no one else's

PunishmentSnart · 03/07/2018 21:03

Richard sounds like he’s living up to his (nick)name.

You can’t kick up a fuss over not being ‘invited’on a hospital trip like it’s a little jolly day out. It’s bloody weird. If he was so upset about Dennis being ill he would have visited or at least enquired how he was.

MmeBoulaye · 03/07/2018 21:23

Nick just needs to come clean and admit this isn’t a friendship he wants to continue with. Richard needs to be more proactive in seeking other friends.

SauvignonBlanche · 03/07/2018 21:25

I remember the relief when DS (withAS) said how difficult he found it visiting me in hospital and I told him not to come anymore. Not everyone is able to cope with these things.

Does Nick not understand Richard at all?

Original poster
Roosevelt111 · 03/07/2018 21:39

Thanks for all the responses. Richard called me again this afternoon and asked me to talk to Nick about paying for his hotel room. I refused, reminding him that I'd already told him that I wouldn't be getting involved between him and Nick. He started shouting and saying how I was on their (Dennis and Nick's) side and what an awful person I was. I put the phone down at this stage. He called back so I answered it and told him I wouldn't be talking to him if he was going to shout at me. He tried to call back again several times but I didn't answer.

Dennis rang me a short time ago and said Richard had done the same to him. They'd had a big argument and Dennis had accused Richard of using him and Nick as a taxi service. Richard's response was "well how am I supposed get around if you don't take me places. Dennis replied with "not my problem" and slammed the phone down

Apparently Richard's still going to this event later in the week. I don't know if he's sorted getting back to the station. The venue is in the middle of nowhere with no public transport so he's going to have fun if his other friends won't leave early to drop him at the station..... 🙄

OP posts:
ILoveDolly · 03/07/2018 21:42

My take on this is that adults should be entitled to invite whosoever they choose to an event regardless of who 'usually comes'. Friendship groups like this with one intense and overly invested friend are a nightmare to negotiate OP I don't envy you. I doubt Richard will be capable of understanding though.

Wildlingofthewest · 03/07/2018 21:42

“Richard” is a grown man.
He can arrange his own transport to and from an event
It’s not yours, nor anyone else’s problem.

Tistheseason17 · 03/07/2018 21:49

I think you have acted very reasonably, OP.

Let us know you get on at the event!

dinosaursandtea · 03/07/2018 21:59

Richard sounds too difficult and high maintenance for me to be bothered with, personally. This friendship sounds like it’s taking more than it gives you - maybe this is the time to cut him out of your life.

Polishitbehindthedoor · 03/07/2018 22:43

Dennis had accused Richard of using him and Nick as a taxi service. Richard's response was "well how am I supposed get around if you don't take me places.

There is your answer. He's an entitled user. He's been babied and mollycoddled by mummy and daddy all his life and has grown up with the assumption the world owes him. He takes no responsibility for anything and manipulates people.

He's not a friend and doesn't value any of you. You are all just a means to get what he wants... which is mainly lifts for days out, which is why Nick is bearing most of the brunt of this.

ASD or not, I personally think it's time to cut Dick loose!

jade9390 · 04/07/2018 00:19

As a single person who does not drive, nobody owes me anything, it is up to me to make my own arrangements, like paying for hotels to attend events. It is nice if friends are going to offer a lift but if they do not or cannot, I do not demand that they pay for a hotel and never assume that they would give me a lift. Get toxic, demanding and unreasonable people out of your life

WhiteWalkerWife · 04/07/2018 07:53

He is a user and not a friend at all. Keep your distance OP. Whatever his reasons, he is high maintenance and unpleasant.

girlywhirly · 04/07/2018 08:46

Well OP, after that update Richard has well and truly burned his bridges with the group. I don’t think any of you benefit from having Richard as a friend because all he does is take. Looking back, you may be able to identify other times when Richard has been difficult, or when he has made events less enjoyable for the group. Where everyone has had to smooth things over or make the best of it. I think you may find the journey to the next event a lot more relaxed without Richard in the car.

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