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AIBU?

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Original poster

DF's have fallen out. Now demanding money for a hotel

228 replies

Roosevelt111 · 01/07/2018 22:57

False names used: Sorry this is going to be long...

I've been friends with a group of people for about 5 years. We all share the same interest. DF1 (I'll call him Dennis) used to normally drive if we went out for the day. Earlier this year Dennis fell seriously ill and now can no longer drive. DF2 (Aka Nick) has taken over driving if we go out anywhere. For many months Dennis and Nick had a problem with DF3 (Richard).

Richard has very few social skills and quite literally has no friends apart from us. He gets anxious and very upset if he's left out of anything we do as a group. For example Myself and Nick went to see Dennis when he was in hospital. Nick didn't invite Richard to come to the hospital with us because the hospital only let's two people in at a time. Richard also lives in the same town as the hospital whilst we both live significantly further away. Richard heard we'd been to see Dennis and he text Nick. He was furious. Saying we were nasty, horrible people for leaving him out and how we never took him anywhere and how he'd never be happy again until Nick took him out for the day. Nick has refused to speak to him since

Since then Dennis's health has improved and Nick has secretly (without Richard's knowledge) organised days out with just us three. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving Richard out and have met up with him a few times at a favourite local attraction. I've offered to help him. I've tried to encourage him to try new activities so he can make new friends and gain some confidence (he has very little) but he refuses these offers. He just whinges about Nick leaving him out and how he wants his friends back.

It's all come to a head this week. Next week a major (interest related) is taking place around 200 miles away. Nick is driving. Richard can't drive a car. Richard assumed he was invited in Nick's car. Only to find out (2 weeks ago) that Nick had already invited myself, Dennis and two more friends. So as a 5 seater - it's full.

He's managed to get a partway lift (train and then a lift) off someone else but the people he's getting a lift from will have to leave the event early to drop him at the station so he can get his train home. They're not happy about this and have suggested he gets a hotel room near the event and travel home the following day. Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited. They've had a huge row and I feel stuck in the middle. I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen. I personally don't think Nick should be paying for Richard's hotel given the way he behaved but maybe Nick wbu by not inviting him to start with? Sad how can I help Richard when he won't listen or try to do anything I encourage or suggest?

Thanks for reading if you got this far Cake

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2018 17:50

Maybe Nick, when he joined the friendship group could see what a strain Richard put on the group,

yeah, that is another possibility.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/07/2018 17:57

Dennis and Richard’s friendship has fallen apart because Dennis was in hospital with a life threatening illness Richard didn’t bother to text, send a card, visit or even ask how he was. He waited until Richard was out of hospital then started demanding days out with no understanding of Dennis’s situation whatsoever.

emsyj37 · 02/07/2018 18:16

I think it's worth remembering good old Judge Judy's wise saying here - "if it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true". Is it very likely that Richard and Dennis spent many years conducting a toxic one-sided friendship until Nick came along and showed Dennis how friendship could be?? Is it likely that Richard would not visit or contact Dennis at all when he was seriously ill, for no good reason at all, just because he is a horrible person? When he had seemed quite normal up to that point?
I would be really interested to hear Richard's story, and Nick's! I'm guessing they would be pretty interesting!

Sashkin · 02/07/2018 18:17

Richard sounds like the male version of Softzilla. Nobody on that thread suggested that OP had Wendied her, or that she might be autistic and so the playgroup should put up with her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/07/2018 18:20

emsyj37

Occam’s razor.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2018 18:30

I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen

I think that this might indicate where the fault lies. And his parents want their heads knocked together for the way they've enabled him.

Sashkin · 02/07/2018 18:32

@emsy or Richard has always been a sick but Dennis has never been on the receiving end before so it has never bothered him. Or Dennis is re-evaluating who he keeps in his life following his brush with mortality, and has decided he doesn’t have time to pussyfoot around a demanding brat who can’t even text him when he’s lying in hospital dying.

I also can’t see anything to say that Richard wants anything to do with Dennis either, now that he is no longer well enough to provide lifts. He’s not interested in doing anything with OP. He just wants a lift from Nick, or failing that a hotel room. He doesn’t appear to value anyone in the group on a personal level, or indeed for anything except lifts.

This may be autism, may be entitled CFery, may be any of lots of things. But none of it sounds like behaviour you would want from a friend, and it doesn’t sound like he’s amenable to feedback on this. Why should the group put up with it?

Sashkin · 02/07/2018 18:33

“Maybe Richard has always been a dick”

Bloody autocorrect

emsyj37 · 02/07/2018 18:45

I don't know what Occams razor is and can't be arsed to look it up, sorry.
If Richard is just a terrible cunt then why doesnt OP just ditch him and thus avoid all the drama....?

MrsSarahSiddons · 02/07/2018 18:46

I think they are all female and the OP has changed their names.

juneau · 02/07/2018 18:51

You've done the right thing OP by batting the ball firmly into Richard's court. No one owes him money for anything, in fact this sorry mess is entirely his own fault. You've been a good friend, but Richard needs to sort this mess out for himself.

Original poster
Roosevelt111 · 02/07/2018 18:52

I messaged Richard earlier on as I said I had. It didn't work Hmm it went straight over his head and he quickly started talking about Nick again and how he (Richard) was feeling about the situation. He ignored my comments about needing to get out and socialise more...... Its like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 02/07/2018 19:06

You've tried your best OP. All you can do is leave him to it now. If he lacks any self-awareness or empathy for others it's unlikely that he can change now.

NapQueen · 02/07/2018 19:08

Richard is in the wrong. Its mean to actively exclude him but I can see why Nick dislikes him and doesnt want to spend any time with him.

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/07/2018 19:09

If you are going to keep in touch with Richard then it's time to start the broken record technique and tell him that you are not going to talk about Nick and Dennis - every time he brings it up.

girlywhirly · 02/07/2018 20:04

I agree, say firmly that you don’t want to listen when he starts going on about Nick and Dennis, if on the phone tell him you are hanging up and do it. Put phones on silent and short texts ‘I told you I am not going to talk about it.” You may have to tell him he’s making a nuisance of himself if he obsessively calls and texts.

Flexoset · 02/07/2018 20:17

I'm thinking that the OP has unconsciously used the pseudonym Richard here for a reason. This Richard is a Dick.

It reminds me of that saying, "To have friend, you have to be a friend." Richard has no friends because he is not a friend to anyone. I suspect the OP does not have the power to change this.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/07/2018 20:37

Is it very likely that Richard and Dennis spent many years conducting a toxic one-sided friendship until Nick came along and showed Dennis how friendship could be??

No - it’s more likely that Richard was always a bit self centred but Dennis didn’t really realise how much until he got ill and Richard didn’t bother.

It is only when you genuinely need a friend that you discover whether the people you spend time with are one or not.

eddielizzard · 02/07/2018 21:00

There's not much more you can do other than reiterate what you've already said. Be honest with him. You can also say you're not prepared to talk about Nick and Richard any more with broken record technique. He seems to be pretty au fait with that technique - he may recognise it and realise he won't get anywhere.

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:56

@Roosevelt111 I would call him (Richard) and say it to him again. Firmly, clearly! Then if he tries talking over you or ignores you and starts banging on about Nick again then say it again! Louder. Sounds like he's using selective hearing!

If futile, then my suggestion would be to walk away. I know it sounds cruel but it is the only way to get him to deal with his issue with Nick himself. Either that or he becomes a recluse. In which case it will be his own fault and eventually he will realise this...

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/07/2018 11:16

The problem is, if he really is HFA (and I can't help seeing my friend's son in all this, it is EXACTLY how he would behave in the circumstances) he really won't hear anything that doesn't chime with his world view. In his head, HE is the wronged party, and he absolutely and firmly believes that. You can't sway him by talking over him or sitting him down and explaining or broken record technique. It just won't work.

Although I would have to query why, if he's really this socially unaware and incapable, nobody has picked up on this behaviour before and maybe had a quiet word with his parents. If they are mollycoddling him to this extent, what is going to happen to him when they are gone?

juneau · 03/07/2018 14:03

It does sound like he probably is HFA - but that doesn't solve the OP's problem. I think he has to decide whether he wants to continue to be Richard's friend at this point, because whatever his issues he is utterly self-centred, completely unconcerned for anyone else's thoughts, feelings or health unless it impacts him. He's not much of a friend IMO - he's just pissed off that he's no longer being ferried around and invited to stuff.

user1485851222 · 03/07/2018 17:36

Tough love required. Grown man, if he wants to go to the event, then it is his decision, leave early & get train or book & pay for hotel himself. Advise him you won't be stuck in the middle between him and your other 2 friends. If he isn't willing to help himself, you need to back away for your own sanity. Good luck

BanquoGhostie · 03/07/2018 17:50

I’m with Hedda - sounds very like Asperger’s. It didn’t become recognised as a syndrome till around 1992 which explains why a lot of adults are undiagnosed.

Wildlingofthewest · 03/07/2018 17:53

Are these grown up adults?! This all sounds unbelievably childish.
Why don’t you all just grow up?
You don’t like someone? Then don’t spend time with them.
This (presumably) isn’t high school.