DF's have fallen out. Now demanding money for a hotel

[Roosevelt111]

False names used: Sorry this is going to be long...

I've been friends with a group of people for about 5 years. We all share the same interest. DF1 (I'll call him Dennis) used to normally drive if we went out for the day. Earlier this year Dennis fell seriously ill and now can no longer drive. DF2 (Aka Nick) has taken over driving if we go out anywhere. For many months Dennis and Nick had a problem with DF3 (Richard).

Richard has very few social skills and quite literally has no friends apart from us. He gets anxious and very upset if he's left out of anything we do as a group. For example Myself and Nick went to see Dennis when he was in hospital. Nick didn't invite Richard to come to the hospital with us because the hospital only let's two people in at a time. Richard also lives in the same town as the hospital whilst we both live significantly further away. Richard heard we'd been to see Dennis and he text Nick. He was furious. Saying we were nasty, horrible people for leaving him out and how we never took him anywhere and how he'd never be happy again until Nick took him out for the day. Nick has refused to speak to him since

Since then Dennis's health has improved and Nick has secretly (without Richard's knowledge) organised days out with just us three. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving Richard out and have met up with him a few times at a favourite local attraction. I've offered to help him. I've tried to encourage him to try new activities so he can make new friends and gain some confidence (he has very little) but he refuses these offers. He just whinges about Nick leaving him out and how he wants his friends back.

It's all come to a head this week. Next week a major (interest related) is taking place around 200 miles away. Nick is driving. Richard can't drive a car. Richard assumed he was invited in Nick's car. Only to find out (2 weeks ago) that Nick had already invited myself, Dennis and two more friends. So as a 5 seater - it's full.

He's managed to get a partway lift (train and then a lift) off someone else but the people he's getting a lift from will have to leave the event early to drop him at the station so he can get his train home. They're not happy about this and have suggested he gets a hotel room near the event and travel home the following day. Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited. They've had a huge row and I feel stuck in the middle. I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen. I personally don't think Nick should be paying for Richard's hotel given the way he behaved but maybe Nick wbu by not inviting him to start with? how can I help Richard when he won't listen or try to do anything I encourage or suggest?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

iohiop, as a parent teaching your child empathy and to understand that the world is full of a range of people would be a better life lesson. God forbid that someone would summarily exclude him for an arbitrary reason. (like having a complete and utter prick for a parent). It is NOT OK to teach your child to leave out a classmate because they have autism.

Dennis has washed his hands of Richard.

He didn't contact him or visit at all whilst he was seriously ill. He told Nick that it's upto him how he plays it now and if he doesn't want him in the car then so be it.

Iohiop, I don't think you know that much about autism

It is completely up to nick who he drives around.
If Richard said horrid stuff to him, then I wouldn't either if I were nick.
Richard is just using nick for lifts.
Of course nick shouldn't pay for Richards hotel

You’re partially right loihop, autism is draining. Really fucking draining, but it’s attitudes like yours that are toxic. Small minded bigotry makes life even more bloody difficult for autistic people (and their parents). Teach your child some empathy ffs.

Iohiop, as you obviously know naff all about autism, you need to stop trying to diagnose it in a person you have never met, and have just read about on a forum post.

OP is talking about adults. Adults are under no obligation to maintain friendships with people they find tiresome. TBH, nor are children. It's not great for any of the participants if adults insist that children 'make friends' with other children they don't like.
'Richard' sounds like a tiresome, selfish, manipulative prick. It's OK to pull away from him if he wears you all out.

Richard only has himself to blame for Nick falling out with him, and now he's just compounding the problem.

Richard is a self centred drama queen and the situation is completely of his own making.

Yup, as soon as I read your OP, I thought Richard has Aspergers.

If he does, the behaviour you, and particularly Nick, find odd and irritating is not deliberate.

I don’t think anyone should pay for his hotel, but I think you all travelling without him is mean.

As you seem to be the member of the friendship group with the most empathy and kindness, could you do a bit of reading about autism (especially Aspergers, as this can be less easy to recognise to non-specialists) and then educate your friends so that they are more knowledgeable and tolerant?

Probably for the best lohiop. I suspect your son has plenty of toxicity to deal with already.

Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited.

Richard sounds very entitled.

Where did op say Richard has autism?

But back to the op, obviously Nick shouldn’t pay for the hotel room, or feel he has to drive Richard anywhere. Has he actually explained to Richard why he is withdrawing from the friendship though?

I don't think it is about autism as such, but there are some people who are very draining. I'm managing a situation in my classroom where a student has become fixated on another student and is trying to stop him playing with his other friends, will refuse to work if he is not put in a group with that child, follows him around the classroom'. The other boy has been very patient, but is understandably getting frustrated when this boy won't leave him alone. He is under no obligation to be friends with anyone he doesn't want to be, and he most certainly shouldn't have to include someone who tries to punch other students when they go near him if he is trying to play with others.

She doesn’t, fission. Lohiop diagnosed it

Ah, the old MN armchair diagnosis based on a couple of sentences?

Richard sounds a drag. Could the other friend not just spell it out that the friendship is over?

Richard doesn't have a diagnosis of Autism but thanks for the suggestion. I have other friends with ASD/Aspergers and have long suspected that Richard does have a similar condition but he isn't diagnosed. He still lives with his parents (he's over 30 but I won't say exactly how old for fear of being outed) and I think struggles a lot with daily life. He has no job and I think has no motivation to get one (his parents pay for everything)

Iohiop - “autistic personality”??

And stop talking in definite terms about autistic people. A) You don’t know that Richard is autistic and B) it’s called a spectrum for a reason!!

Such ignorance...

It sounds as though Richard believes that friendships are predicated on other people doing things for him - why on earth does he even want Nick to take him out for the day and, even more baffling, seem to believe that Nick 'owes' him this trip to make up for not including him on a bloody hospital visit!

By blaming Nick for his refusal to do things that would broaden his horizons, he is presumably hoping to pressurise and manipulate Nick into caving and I can't see how to move past that unless he backs down and gets on with his life. If Richard won't accept that nobody is beholden to him then there's not much you can do.