Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF's have fallen out. Now demanding money for a hotel

228 replies

Roosevelt111 · 01/07/2018 22:57

False names used: Sorry this is going to be long...

I've been friends with a group of people for about 5 years. We all share the same interest. DF1 (I'll call him Dennis) used to normally drive if we went out for the day. Earlier this year Dennis fell seriously ill and now can no longer drive. DF2 (Aka Nick) has taken over driving if we go out anywhere. For many months Dennis and Nick had a problem with DF3 (Richard).

Richard has very few social skills and quite literally has no friends apart from us. He gets anxious and very upset if he's left out of anything we do as a group. For example Myself and Nick went to see Dennis when he was in hospital. Nick didn't invite Richard to come to the hospital with us because the hospital only let's two people in at a time. Richard also lives in the same town as the hospital whilst we both live significantly further away. Richard heard we'd been to see Dennis and he text Nick. He was furious. Saying we were nasty, horrible people for leaving him out and how we never took him anywhere and how he'd never be happy again until Nick took him out for the day. Nick has refused to speak to him since

Since then Dennis's health has improved and Nick has secretly (without Richard's knowledge) organised days out with just us three. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving Richard out and have met up with him a few times at a favourite local attraction. I've offered to help him. I've tried to encourage him to try new activities so he can make new friends and gain some confidence (he has very little) but he refuses these offers. He just whinges about Nick leaving him out and how he wants his friends back.

It's all come to a head this week. Next week a major (interest related) is taking place around 200 miles away. Nick is driving. Richard can't drive a car. Richard assumed he was invited in Nick's car. Only to find out (2 weeks ago) that Nick had already invited myself, Dennis and two more friends. So as a 5 seater - it's full.

He's managed to get a partway lift (train and then a lift) off someone else but the people he's getting a lift from will have to leave the event early to drop him at the station so he can get his train home. They're not happy about this and have suggested he gets a hotel room near the event and travel home the following day. Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited. They've had a huge row and I feel stuck in the middle. I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen. I personally don't think Nick should be paying for Richard's hotel given the way he behaved but maybe Nick wbu by not inviting him to start with? Sad how can I help Richard when he won't listen or try to do anything I encourage or suggest?

Thanks for reading if you got this far Cake

OP posts:
aaahhhBump · 02/07/2018 06:57

Nick is a Wendy.

Isthisit22 · 02/07/2018 06:59

Following your recent updates, why on earth are you friends with Richard? He sounds selfish and unpleasant to be around.
The men have cut the friendship; funny how women keep on coming back for more in the hope of being a ‘rescuer’.

eddielizzard · 02/07/2018 07:00

i'm afraid i would also stay out of it. and in future if you want to see richard, see him, but i wouldn't be making a huge effort. yes he is struggling, but he's not your responsibility. he has to take responsibility for his own life. he's an adult now.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 02/07/2018 07:01

Is there another reason he found having something to do with Dennis when ill tricky? Has he lost someone close, and thus he shut himelf off for fear it would happen again, and then self-preservation?

Choccywokkiedoo · 02/07/2018 07:08

Hey OP.

Wow what a nightmare, I couldn't deal with this if I'm honest and I would have to cruel to be kind and tell Richard he needs to get a grip! A very large grip of adult life, social skills or not, he's driving a huge wedge between people.

I really hope Richard, after a good talking to starts to understand how unreasonable they are being.

strawberrypenguin · 02/07/2018 07:08

I'd stay out of it as much as you can. I think Richard is the one who behaved badly here. Demanding another adult 'takes him out' for the day before he'll forgive them? Would be a cold day in hell before I'd comply with that demand! I can see why Nick has washed his hands of him tbh.

Maybe Nick needs to make it clear he no longer wishes to be friends though

longwayoff · 02/07/2018 07:22

Welcome to another day in the nursery. You need better friends. Absurd.

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/07/2018 07:25

You're not the go-between, OP. Richard seems to have negotiated a path to the event without the three of you (but by inconveniencing/upsetting someone else in the process!) so he is capable of moving on.

It doesn't sound like Richard is willing to see both sides of any story which turns any discussion into an argument/whinge. Bizarre to expect Nick to take him after calling him mean and nasty!

WilyMinx · 02/07/2018 07:26

Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited.

Dennis was very ill and nearly died. All Richard was worried about was when we'd next be going out for the day.

I'll be done with Richard based on the above.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/07/2018 07:29

I wouldn’t put up with unreasonable behaviour from Richard either. You can always suggest he apologies or moves on because he’s being unreasonable.

SoftBallSophie · 02/07/2018 07:40

Richard called you nasty & horrible people and now he expects a lift, if not he wants his hotel paid. I don't think so Hmm

He obviously doesn't have a clue how to treat people.

Flexoset · 02/07/2018 07:41

Richard is massively unreasonable, selfish, self-absorbed, eager to take offence, and doesn't seem to like anyone - he just uses people and thinks they owe him.

Regardless of any condition he may or may not have, he just has a nasty personality.

On this basis I would not be friends with him. If OP does stay in contact with him, I think it needs to be made clear to him that he can not badmouth the OP's other friends to her. Because that's rude and unkind and nobody should do that. (But I suspect he still will... which is why I would drop him.)

I agree with the PP who said that the men have already moved on but the woman carries on trying to be a "rescuer"...

flumpybear · 02/07/2018 07:51

Richard is wrong. He may have got my vote had he actually bothered to get off his arse and see his friend in hospital but it actually sounds like he's the kind of person who expects everyone to rally around him without making any effort at all - perhaps autistic, perhaps not but still he could have visited his very good friend who nearly died but he's too busy wingeing that he needs a day trip out Hmm who does that ffs!

Sarahjconnor · 02/07/2018 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littletinyraindrops · 02/07/2018 08:11

I'm part of a friendship group, we don't do everything with each other all the time, some see one person more than the other. Nobody gets pissy as we're adults with different schedules.

You said you spend time with just him sometimes, does that mean you both owe Nick and Dennis a day out too? Of course not!

Richard needs to grow up.

Nick can invite whoever he likes in his car, and doesn't owe him anything, especially after getting shouted at about the hospital.

ZoeWashburne · 02/07/2018 08:22

This is the problem with insisting that there are cliquey friendship groups in adulthood. It sounds like you are friends with Richard, but Nick and possibly Dennis are not. It is just high school behaviour to act like people are in or out of the group. Your friendship wit Richard has nothing to do with your friendship with Nick. Stop getting involved.

Just because you are friends with Richard doesn't mean your friends have to as well because you do the same hobby.

If you are that concerned about Richard take the train with him. Or else just realise that people have different friends. And Richard behaved horribly to Nick, so obviously he isn't going to invite him in his car.

HeddaGarbled · 02/07/2018 08:34

Please could you all just read this. Many adults are undiagnosed:

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx

SumerisIcumenin · 02/07/2018 08:39

Thank you for trying, Hedda.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/07/2018 08:49

Hedda do you think that anyone owes Richard a friendship, seeing as they are all adults?

SnuggyBuggy · 02/07/2018 08:57

Friendship isn't like a charity, it should be mutual.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2018 09:14

The long and short of it is, if you can't approximate at least some of the behaviour necessary to maintain a friendship (respect, reciprocity etc) then you can't have friends. That's regardless of any mh issue or cognitive difference you may have. THe best you could hope for is a one-sided relationship where one person's needs are met and the others aren't - a carer's relationship if you like.

MissWimpyDimple · 02/07/2018 09:15

You've done your best. But Richard demanding to be taken out is just rude.

You are all adults. Richard has burnt his bridges. Yes, Nick was possibly a bit petty to not invite him, but why should he?

Unfortunately, Richard will have to take a step back in this.

Branleuse · 02/07/2018 09:21

@heddagarbled I agree with you

I think its far more problematic when people deny the possibility of autism, and even tell people off on here for suggesting it. Ive seen so many threads where its glaringly obvious that it should be considered as a possibility.

This doesnt mean that anyone should be forced to be friends with that person. It makes me sad in a way that so many people have gone through entire childhoods and most of adulthood without realising something so intrinsic about themselves, which makes it harder to find friends that actually get them, or work out how to navigate this social stuff.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/07/2018 09:25

Even if he is autistic it doesn't mean these people are equipped to cope with the behaviour.

I've definitely known people who I can't deal with. You should try to be kind but you can't help it if their behaviour makes you stressed or upset.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2018 09:39

Richard actually sounds a lot like my friend's son. Aspergers (or I think it's called HFA) now, but combined with sheltering parents who won't help their son develop the social skills he needs to survive.

It's not Richard's fault. And he probably won't take it on board if you sit him down and explain what he's done wrong and how his behaviour is affecting the group. Could anyone have a word with his parents and ask them to help Richard develop some coping strategies?