DF's have fallen out. Now demanding money for a hotel

[Roosevelt111]

False names used: Sorry this is going to be long...

I've been friends with a group of people for about 5 years. We all share the same interest. DF1 (I'll call him Dennis) used to normally drive if we went out for the day. Earlier this year Dennis fell seriously ill and now can no longer drive. DF2 (Aka Nick) has taken over driving if we go out anywhere. For many months Dennis and Nick had a problem with DF3 (Richard).

Richard has very few social skills and quite literally has no friends apart from us. He gets anxious and very upset if he's left out of anything we do as a group. For example Myself and Nick went to see Dennis when he was in hospital. Nick didn't invite Richard to come to the hospital with us because the hospital only let's two people in at a time. Richard also lives in the same town as the hospital whilst we both live significantly further away. Richard heard we'd been to see Dennis and he text Nick. He was furious. Saying we were nasty, horrible people for leaving him out and how we never took him anywhere and how he'd never be happy again until Nick took him out for the day. Nick has refused to speak to him since

Since then Dennis's health has improved and Nick has secretly (without Richard's knowledge) organised days out with just us three. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving Richard out and have met up with him a few times at a favourite local attraction. I've offered to help him. I've tried to encourage him to try new activities so he can make new friends and gain some confidence (he has very little) but he refuses these offers. He just whinges about Nick leaving him out and how he wants his friends back.

It's all come to a head this week. Next week a major (interest related) is taking place around 200 miles away. Nick is driving. Richard can't drive a car. Richard assumed he was invited in Nick's car. Only to find out (2 weeks ago) that Nick had already invited myself, Dennis and two more friends. So as a 5 seater - it's full.

He's managed to get a partway lift (train and then a lift) off someone else but the people he's getting a lift from will have to leave the event early to drop him at the station so he can get his train home. They're not happy about this and have suggested he gets a hotel room near the event and travel home the following day. Richard says Nick should pay for this hotel room because he should have taken him in the car rather than the other friends he invited. They've had a huge row and I feel stuck in the middle. I've tried to help Richard so many times but he won't listen. I personally don't think Nick should be paying for Richard's hotel given the way he behaved but maybe Nick wbu by not inviting him to start with? how can I help Richard when he won't listen or try to do anything I encourage or suggest?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Nobody should be forced to be friends with, do favours for or to hang out with people they do not like. Richard sounds like a complete pain in the arse. You have all been friends for five years and he is understandably upset at the loss of a group of friends he has become reliant on.

I think you sound like a great friend OP. Richard probably needs 'closure' (hate that term but don't have an alternative) from the other group members before he can move on. It is not your responsibility to sort out the situation but you could suggest they meet to bring the friendship to a proper end (or fix it - who knows?).

Iohiop - if these children really do have a diagnosis of autism as opposed to your own layperson's opinion it would probably benefit you to read up on the condition. Understanding the whys and wherefores and appreciating the sensory and social differences for neurodiverse individuals will benefit you both immensely. It would be a shame to miss out on a whole section of society who are individuals not a 'draining toxic' mass you have referred to several times in this thread.

Whilst I don’t think that paying for Richard’s accommodation is the appropriate resolution here, you/the others have treated him awfully. Poor guy. It must suck if all your friends have ditched you, especially as I assume that you’re all grown adults (so not as easy to make new friends and you have loads of history/memories together), and he has anxiety.

I don’t think you should be forced to spend time with people that you don’t like, but from what you have listed I don’t think Richard has done anything wrong? He just sounds hurt and left out.

Richard could have gone to the hospital anytime he wanted. He lives in same town and it's a short bus ride from his house. He's very capable of using public transport. He never contacted Dennis once or even sent a card the whole time he was there (many weeks). Nor did he ask me, Nick or anyone else how Dennis was.

Dennis was very ill and nearly died. All Richard was worried about was when we'd next be going out for the day. As soon as he heard Dennis was out of hospital he wanted to know if we were going to X event (even further away than the one next weekend). Simple answer "No". Next weekend will be the first big trip out since Dennis fell ill and it will only be happening if he's well enough

sounds like Richard got wendied

I know, I know, diagnosing over the internet based on a couple of sentences is BAD. But I have a masters level qual in ASD and 30 years’ experience and Aspergers is woefully under-diagnosed in adults and every post of the OP’s is screaming Aspergers to me.

someone who can't be arsed to visit his best friend in hospital, send a card or even ask about them deserves to be 'wendied',

I've been there and the moment I heard my friend was sick in hospital I ignored the wendy and looked after my friend.. wendy no longer on the scene.

io.. yes.. I am autistic, as is my DS.

Kindly get off your soap box.

He sounds self absorbed. My brother is like that, doesn’t (won’t) work, won’t learn to drive, doesn’t have many friends, wouldn’t visit a friend in need, thinks everything is other peoples fault.
By brother isn’t autistic, he just believes he is above everyone, uses any friends he has, thinks he has a right to be transported to places by people etc

You absolutely cannot say that Richard has ASD based on what the op has said.

Lohiop

Richard has not been diagnosed with Autism. Whether he has Autism or not, he is perfectly capable of catching a bus and going to the hospital. If he didn't want or feel able to visit Dennis then he could have text him. He could have sent a card, he could have asked me, Nick or any other mutual friends how Dennis was. He did none of those things. As soon as Richard heard Dennis was home from hospital he text him and asked if we were going out to X event. No "how are you" "are you feeling better etc". He didn't show any concern

I've definitely had friendships like this and they're not positive for anyone involved. Richard seems like the ultimate drain on your group and it's best if you go your separate ways.

He's a grown man. You're not responsible for his life so don't feel you are.

That’s because lots of people with autism find it difficult to empathise with other people’s feelings. It’s not deliberate selfishness, it’s part of their disability.

I am so weary of having to explain this.

You wouldn’t get angry because someone with a physical disability didn’t visit someone in hospital, would you?

You might get fed up if that physically disabled person became abusive because you chose to visit/do something with another friend though Hedda. Whatever else he is, Richard is controlling and rigid. That's not a good basis for a friendship and he is not owed a friendship by anyone. You can't be friends with someone who cannot tolerate you having an opinion contrary to their own.

No adult is owed a friendship by any other adult, no matter how sad it makes him not to have that friendship.

It's an awkward situation op
I think you should distance yourself a bit from Richard if he starts complaining about Nick then keep changing the subject. It's good you still want to be his friend but maybe step back a bit for your own sake.

So lohiop name changed or registered just to make those comments? Fucking disgusting. Reported.

OP it’s clear that Richard is BU, but I suspect he simply won’t see it, no matter what you say

OP can I ask - why do you feel it's your job to help Richard out here?

From what you have said I would say it's pretty futile you trying to rebuild whatever friendship there was between Richard, Nick and Dennis. Largely because Richard does not seem at all interested in that. Did he ever add anything to the group or had you all just fallen together somehow and just carried along with it until he crossed too many lines
Does he treat you as badly as he does the others (you've said you have seen him a few times since all the joint outings have stopped)?

You paint a picture of someone who has no respect for the rest of the group. He isn't simply socially awkward or unaware - getting cues wrong but at least trying to reciprocate or make overtures - he's just freeloading off you all. Is there more to it than that?

OP have any of you asked Richard why he didn’t visit Dennis or ask after him? Has Dennis explained how hurtful it was that Richard hasn’t bothered to ask after him? I understand that Richard’s behaviour is frustrating but I think it needs to be discussed with him rather than simply dropping him from the group. I can also see that you’ve been very kind in attempting to support him in other interests but perhaps you also need to explain the efforts you’re going to and that you’re losing interest in bothering.

Richard clearly wants things back how they were before. He needs to be told firmly that’s not likely to happen and how his own behaviour is impacting the group so that he has the opportunity to put it right

Xi hope everyone pays for the lifts. Of course richard pays for his own hotel. What you getting from this friendship as sounds very hard work. Can undersand why nick has left him off lift. He doesnt have to be friends and sounds like richard has moaned too much. Ask yourself other mntters would you want to comtinue to give a lift in tbis situation. Hows dennis?

Richard sounds self obsessed and far too needy. It's all very well feeling sorry for him but he must be hard work and utterly draining.

I can understand why Nick as cut him off and think he was right to do so. Richard has to accept the world does not revolve around him.

Just read bacj my comment last night about Richard being a pain in the arse and cringed. What I meant to say was a pain in the arse about not considering any of the suggestions you have made and insisting that his former friend take him places or compensate him when it sounds like that is a truly unrealistic possibility. I did not mean he was an arse for his feelings just that it must be hard for you to support him in the way he wants.

*back

I would stay out of it. Harsh as it sounds no one is owed friendship and it sounds like Richard takes more than he gives